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questioning my sexuality (help!)


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ka_tie

I have identified as pansexual for several years now, but it wasn't until recently that I've noticed something about myself, and now it's starting to mess with me mentally so bad to the point that I've decided to come here to spout out my problems.

 

I've recently noticed that I've been leaning towards girls both sexually and romantically. I've used to not care about my sexuality, and thus would result to the conclusion that I was pansexual because I didn't care if someone was a certain gender. If I felt sexually or romantically attracted, it wasn't the gender that I recognized or had a problem with... but recently though, I've been leaning towards people who are more female presenting. I like the idea of being with a girl, I like the idea that I could potentially marry said girl and even start a family, but that doesn't mean that I'm repulsed by men. Men are okay, but would I want to be in a relationship with one (again) and start a family? That, I don't know.

 

I'm not disgusted by them, but I would rather be with a girl than a boy right now. Don't get me wrong, there are some very attractive boys out there but whenever I walk into a room, they're not going to be the first person that I'll lay my eyes on. A girl (or someone who is femme representing) is usually who I would take much more interest in. So yes, from all of this you may think that I sound like a lesbian -- but I don't know if the label suits me. What if I start liking men later on down the road? What happens if I say that a boy looks cute after identifying as a lesbian (even if its through platonic means)? What if I'm just overthinking this? I don't want this to seem like it's an "aesthetic," because it isn't. I'm genuinely questioning and trying to figure out my sexuality all over again.

 

If someone could give me advice or say what I'm saying is validated, please tell me. I would love to hear some feedback right now!

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed

I feel pretty similarly about calling myself pan, based on what I'm seeing you say. I lean strongly towards femme and androgynous folks, but my attraction seemingly isn't really something that lines up nicely with gender. There are patterns, but they are full of glaring exceptions that make me think gender is only a close correlation to whatever I'm actually into. Since my attraction isn't towards genders necessarily, I call myself pansexual or polysexual depending on context. I'm pansexual insofar as it's attraction without giving thought to gender, but I hold that I simultaneously qualify as polysexual because not all genders are represented among the people I am attracted to.

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ka_tie
16 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

I feel pretty similarly about calling myself pan, based on what I'm seeing you say. I lean strongly towards femme and androgynous folks, but my attraction seemingly isn't really something that lines up nicely with gender. There are patterns, but they are full of glaring exceptions that make me think gender is only a close correlation to whatever I'm actually into. Since my attraction isn't towards genders necessarily, I call myself pansexual or polysexual depending on context. I'm pansexual insofar as it's attraction without giving thought to gender, but I hold that I simultaneously qualify as polysexual because not all genders are represented among the people I am attracted to.

This is really insightful! Yeah, I really like how you brought up that you've noticed it as patterns; I too have begun to realize how it's like that for me too. LIke, even at a young age I was just always drawn more to women than men, but I'm not sure if it was because of the gender aspect of it. I think it was something to do with the way they were just more female representing? Like, even then to now I still find men that are more masculine to be a little cautious of. Not that I'm scared of them, but they can be intimidating. When it comes to women, no matter how they dress (whether it be masculine or feminine), I find absolutely no problem with it. I feel no reason to be wary or feel like I need to act a certain way when around them.

 

Man, all of this hurts my brain.

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed
40 minutes ago, ka_tie said:

This is really insightful! Yeah, I really like how you brought up that you've noticed it as patterns; I too have begun to realize how it's like that for me too. LIke, even at a young age I was just always drawn more to women than men, but I'm not sure if it was because of the gender aspect of it. I think it was something to do with the way they were just more female representing? Like, even then to now I still find men that are more masculine to be a little cautious of. Not that I'm scared of them, but they can be intimidating. When it comes to women, no matter how they dress (whether it be masculine or feminine), I find absolutely no problem with it. I feel no reason to be wary or feel like I need to act a certain way when around them.

 

Man, all of this hurts my brain.

Ok, here's a bit more in depth explanation...

 

At first, I thought I was aroace and into nobody. Then I thought I was only into genderless or more androgynous-leaning feminine people. Then I thought it was cis women. Then I thought it was AFABs in general. Then I thought it was femme leaning people in general. Then I thought it was everyone who didn't identify as male. Now I'm pretty sure gender (and genitalia) are not actually the right way to frame it at all.

 

The same applies to any triat honestly...my list of people I was interested in and/or dated started to diversify rapidly and seemingly contradict the early pattern. Now I'm pretty sure it's something to do with personality more than anything, but even that seems iffy 

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Zoroark

I myself am pan but I used to think I wasn't into girls at all. I realized later that I am and considered myself bi for a while. But after hanging around NB folks and other trans people I eventually realized that gender doesn't matter to me. But here's the interesting thing though: I sometimes find myself drawn more to one gender than another anyway. I'll go months at a time where it's like "I'd be really interested in a boyfriend" or the other way around or so on. At none of these points does that negate my ability to be interested in any other gender, but preferences can fluctuate and I'm pretty sure that's natural. And I will still be drawn to people based on personality and other factors over gender.

 

That said, whether or not pansexual or lesbian is the right label for you is something you have to figure out for yourself, and if you're not currently comfortable with either label, then don't use them for now. If people ask, you can always say it's complicated or just shrug and admit you're more interested in women at present. At the end of the day, what matters most is what feels right to you and who makes you happy. I dunno if this is helpful, but that's my 2 cents!

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Sarah-Sylvia

I use Bi for myself because of reasons like that, ie gender can make a difference and I'm more attracted to women on impact, but in the end it's the person that matters most, and I can be compatible with women and men.  (don't know yet for agender people, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be too different)

 

There's also omnisexual which is similar as bi.
I mean Biromantic in my case.

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ka_tie
On 5/12/2022 at 6:58 PM, Zoroark said:

I myself am pan but I used to think I wasn't into girls at all. I realized later that I am and considered myself bi for a while. But after hanging around NB folks and other trans people I eventually realized that gender doesn't matter to me. But here's the interesting thing though: I sometimes find myself drawn more to one gender than another anyway. I'll go months at a time where it's like "I'd be really interested in a boyfriend" or the other way around or so on. At none of these points does that negate my ability to be interested in any other gender, but preferences can fluctuate and I'm pretty sure that's natural. And I will still be drawn to people based on personality and other factors over gender.

 

That said, whether or not pansexual or lesbian is the right label for you is something you have to figure out for yourself, and if you're not currently comfortable with either label, then don't use them for now. If people ask, you can always say it's complicated or just shrug and admit you're more interested in women at present. At the end of the day, what matters most is what feels right to you and who makes you happy. I dunno if this is helpful, but that's my 2 cents!

Thank you for being so understanding! And hearing about your experience is something that I really heavily relate to. I also had those moments too where I would fixate on a "particular" gender but still find interest in another one. I was really worried that me explaining my sexuality on here would make me "less" of pan, but it seems from all these posts that it doesn't. Thanks so much for commenting!

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ka_tie
On 5/12/2022 at 7:04 PM, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I use Bi for myself because of reasons like that, ie gender can make a difference and I'm more attracted to women on impact, but in the end it's the person that matters most, and I can be compatible with women and men.  (don't know yet for agender people, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be too different)

 

There's also omnisexual which is similar as bi.
I mean Biromantic in my case.

That's interesting. Yeah, I've looked into being omnisexual or biromantic (I even have a good friend irl who uses both terms), but I can't see myself accepting the term. Nothing against it, but it doesn't make my brain click and think "hey this sounds right!"

 

But thank you so much for commenting, I really appreciate this.

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ka_tie
5 hours ago, differentnames said:

I'm fraysexual, but as far as aesthetic and romantic attraction and/or orientation goes, I refer to myself as polyromantic/biromantic. I use these terms specifically because their meaning, for me, is that I'm attracted to people of multiple genders, but not all. And I go by Robyn Ochs' definition of "bi".

One could similarly use these terms to describe sexual orientation. Only the suffix would change.

I didn't always identify this way. Whom I've been attracted to has changed multiple times throughout my life, and though I won't go as far as to say sexuality is always fluid, because that might not be the case for some, I will say sexuality CAN BE fluid, and can change. And the degree to which some experience that fluidity can greatly vary.

How you describe your sexuality is ultimately up to you, and there is nothing wrong with changing how you describe it at any given time.

I hope my perspective can help🙂

Thanks so much! This really gives me some confidence to change my sexuality if I really feel like I should. Right now, I think I'm alright, but if this feeling persists I may change it  and see how it goes. Thanks for sharing your experience!

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