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Single and living with aging parents


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KatDeLacey

I've been living with my parents for my whole adult life so far (early 30s now.) I can't live alone due to disability and I'm happy being single, so in that sense it works for me. I also have a very good relationship/bond with my parents (only child) and we function as a household of equals where everyone pulls their weight physically and emotionally.

During the pandemic my parents have started aging more noticeably. Not only with a slew of unexpected health issues, but personality wise as well. Sometimes it feels like living with teenagers - moody, anxious, volatile, irrational and self-absorbed. I get this - the pandemic has been incredibly stressful and they're also grieving their own aging process and new physical limits.

The problem is I have no one to talk to about it. They've always been my first source of emotional comfort and support (and still are in many ways) but obviously I can't talk to them about this. I can't talk to my friends because half of them are barely on speaking terms with their own parents and the rest still have healthy, active parents. I'm not sure if I can afford therapy because my parents won't let me use my own income (I'm supposed to save every penny for "when they're gone") so any expenses will come out of their funds, which they need for medical costs.

TL;DR: I know the above isn't specifically an ace issue but I'd love to hear from other single adults who've found themselves being overly involved with parental care as a result of not having kids/a spouse to focus on.

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Lord Jade Cross

Look after yourself as parents have no say in your adult life decisions, especially emotional issues. The fact that they say you cant use your money is a huge red flag that should not be ignored

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GingerRose

@KatDeLacey I don't know if this is helpful but I am also a single only child who lives with her parents. I am a little younger than you. My parents are not emotionally mature. Granted, they never have been. My case is a little different as my parents behave this way due to an unhealthy relationship and I in turn experience/d trauma and abuse from the situation between them, but I can whole heartedly relate when you talk about having to live with parents who are not mature and other such behaviours. It's difficult because I feel the need to care for them and make them happy but it's hard because I'm their child who shouldn't have to be tugged so thinly to stablise their health and happiness as well as my own.

 

So if you want to talk about it, I think I can relate on a similar level.

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ElloryJaye

I'm with Lord Jade Cross—the money thing needs to get sorted immediately if not sooner.  It is your money.  It's fine if you want to budget so that most of it goes into your savings, but you can—and should—be keeping a bit back to spend on yourself.  (Also, I hope you're not just stuffing it into a savings account and leaving it there, because in most cases, you actually lose money that way.)

 

If you're absolutely against spending money on a therapist, there are support groups for people who have become caregivers for their aging parents, and it looks like you might be headed in that direction.  See what's in your area.

 

(My situation:  I live with my parents, who are in their 70s.  My mother lost much of her mobility after breaking a leg very badly a few years ago and rarely leaves the house anymore.  My dad's functional enough, though, and they're both still mentally sharp.  I do worry about my mom sometimes, since she has depression-related issues, but in the end there isn't much I can do except roll with it and back up my dad when it looks like it's necessary.  I have a full-time job, although I was working from home more often than not even before the pandemic, and there is no question about who owns what goes into my bank account.)

 

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Hey. I was in a similar boat with my dad for a few years, before he finally got moved into a care home earlier this year. I tired looking at online support groups for caregivers, but I can confirm that it's a little more awkward being a younger, contentedly single person, as a lot of the people on those forums are older married people caring for their spouses and/or people trying to juggle romantic relationships on top of caregiving. (Not that those experiences aren't valid as well! It's just different from my own experience, and probably yours as well, from what it sounds like.)

 

If there's anything specific that you want to talk about, my inbox is open. (Although I am going to have to agree with what others have said, in that you should try to get the money situation sorted out. I think therapy might be a good option, if you're able to get it.)

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KatDeLacey

Thanks everyone. It's so hard to convey nuances but I do want to clarify that my parents and I have an overall very healthy relationship, and they are not immature or controlling - which is why the moments recently when they do behave in immature or unexpected ways really catch me off guard. It's like the aging process is coming between me and the dependable people I used to know.

The money thing is mostly an emotional issue. I have my own accounts (savings and investment portfolio, thanks @ElloryJaye) with full access to both.  But if I say I want to pay for my own therapy they will insist that they CAN pay for me and that "their money is my money", which is fine but...then I watch them scrimp and save over the groceries and it just stresses me out so much to have to be an extra burden. And they get very offended if I imply they're short on money, because they don't want to deprive me of anything I need. So it's really just a merry-go-round of guilt between people who worry and care about each other.

 

27 minutes ago, Barbio said:

I tired looking at online support groups for caregivers, but I can confirm that it's a little more awkward being a younger, contentedly single person, as a lot of the people on those forums are older married people caring for their spouses and/or people trying to juggle romantic relationships on top of caregiving.

Absolutely this! It's more unusual to be a contentedly single caregiver who doesn't have kids/spouse/dating obligations as well. Thanks for the PM offer :)

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Here's how breeder mentality works ...

 

1. make a baby

2. find out whether it's disabled

3. if it is disabled then make sure to further inhibit it's social, emotional, and mental development to the highest degree

4. then when they realize they're bound to you and owe you their lives, you can proceed to make the care for you in your old age

 

Because that's how breeders get down, especially if they aren't even letting you control your own money ...

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On 5/11/2022 at 4:39 AM, KatDeLacey said:

I've been living with my parents for my whole adult life so far (early 30s now.) I can't live alone due to disability and I'm happy being single, so in that sense it works for me. I also have a very good relationship/bond with my parents (only child) and we function as a household of equals where everyone pulls their weight physically and emotionally.

During the pandemic my parents have started aging more noticeably. Not only with a slew of unexpected health issues, but personality wise as well. Sometimes it feels like living with teenagers - moody, anxious, volatile, irrational and self-absorbed. I get this - the pandemic has been incredibly stressful and they're also grieving their own aging process and new physical limits.

The problem is I have no one to talk to about it. They've always been my first source of emotional comfort and support (and still are in many ways) but obviously I can't talk to them about this. I can't talk to my friends because half of them are barely on speaking terms with their own parents and the rest still have healthy, active parents. I'm not sure if I can afford therapy because my parents won't let me use my own income (I'm supposed to save every penny for "when they're gone") so any expenses will come out of their funds, which they need for medical costs.

TL;DR: I know the above isn't specifically an ace issue but I'd love to hear from other single adults who've found themselves being overly involved with parental care as a result of not having kids/a spouse to focus on.

I would talk to maybe an agency that deals with aging seniors. In some cases, you might get free training if you sign up to be your parents caretakers. I personally had to leave my parents behind because they were very mentally ill and physically abusive and I could no longer handle the burden with 0 support myself. Your case seems to be different as it sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. 

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I’m also single and still live with my parent. My mom passed away 10 years ago, so it’s just me and my other parent. I sometimes worry about what would happen if something happened to my parent. I currently don’t have my own income. I might get SSI soon, which would help, but isn’t even close to minimum wage. I’m disabled, too. I might not have much time myself, because I have metastatic (stage 4) breast cancer. Not many people live past 5 years after diagnosis. So, it might not matter anyways. My parent just wants me to worry about having fun and enjoying life for now. She wants to do whatever I want when she has breaks. She’s a school psychologist. Even when she’s not on break, we’ve done some fun things during the weekends. I would like to have someone my age to experience life with, and maybe to help me if something does happen. I’m aro ace, so I’d obviously not be attracted to them that way, but I can be queerplatonically attracted to almost anyone. Not sure how to go about having a qpr for it. Anyways, this is what it’s like for me. I’m 37 and she’ll be 67 next month. She jokes about getting older, but is still sharp and very healthy. 

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3 hours ago, anzu2snow said:

67 next month. She jokes about getting older, but is still sharp and very healthy.

Hey, 67 isn't that old! (says the guy who will be 66 this fall) :P :lol: 

 

3 hours ago, anzu2snow said:

My parent just wants me to worry about having fun and enjoying life for now. She wants to do whatever I want when she has breaks.

That's good. I hope you have more time than anyone expects to have fun and enjoy life with her. :) 

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On 5/14/2022 at 2:21 PM, Nylocke said:

Here's how breeder mentality works ...

 

1. make a baby

2. find out whether it's disabled

3. if it is disabled then make sure to further inhibit it's social, emotional, and mental development to the highest degree

4. then when they realize they're bound to you and owe you their lives, you can proceed to make the care for you in your old age

 

Because that's how breeders get down, especially if they aren't even letting you control your own money ...

That's not what I was thinking...

 

I know of a couple that used to live two doors down the street. Now they live in the basement of her mother's house. She had two children then divorced. Got pregnant by one of the co-owners of the grocery store she worked at. Then they had another kid... She's a very unsociable person (and oblivious to everything around them, like barking dogs at 7 AM for example). He may be computer smart, but I wouldn't let him look after my pet hamster. After the first baby arrived, we saw him carrying it one day and the expression on his face was priceless, 'How did that happen?'

 

The older children haven't been around since they got to high school age, so I'm thinking they realised what a 'sap' he was and asked to live with their father.

 

Back on topic. My mother just turned 88 and recently had knee replacement surgery. She is slipping a bit mentally and at times it can get me down. 

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2 minutes ago, will123 said:

My mother just turned 88 and recently had knee replacement surgery. She is slipping a bit mentally and at times it can get me down. 

My parents are 86. I keep thinking they may not have many years left. Then again, each of them had a parent who did pretty well to around mid-90s. My mother has more physical issues, but her mind is good. My dad is doing well enough to still travel fairly often. But I don't live close to either of them. It must be hard to see them deteriorating.

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This is a common situation, I guess.  My mother is 86 and starting to be a little forgetful, but physically she's not that bad - yet.

I decided I will do everything I can to make her last years happy, and take her places, and do as much as I can for her.

My problem is my crazy aunt - she keeps calling me up screeching that "you have to put her away now!" and "you can't take care of her!'

No, I don't have to put my mother away and yes I can take care of my mother.  It's none of her damn business.

Then she calls and says, "my daughter can take care of your mother so you don't have to!"

My guess is that auntie dearest is seething with jealousy because I pay my mother's bills and take her nice places and do things for her, and her kids aren't nice to her.

So I'm basically caught between two old folks - one who is nice but forgetful and another who can't walk and can't drive but can make nasty phone calls... 

Old people can be difficult I guess.  They make a lot of drama.  I guess you gotta be the grown up and not complain and just do the best you can.

 

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  • 1 month later...
sturnusvulgaris90

Interesting seeing others that are happy to stay with their parents. I'm single and in my early 30s (though I do have kids) and my parents are just hitting their 70s. It's very convenient for all of us to live together and help each other out. I plan to stay with them and help them as they age. It is a bit lonely though! In the US at least there's a negative perception to living with your parents as an adult. Recently the fact that my parents are truly aging has become more obvious. So far they're in good health, but a lot of their friends aren't. 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm 26, single and still living at home with my separated mum and dad (dad sleeps in the sunlounge on a camp bed). I know, odd right!

 

I've noticed a change in there nature and how age is starting to have an effect (early 60's), also dealing with their own parents (my grandparents) health issues and the stress this causes us all. 

 

I'm Ace / Grey-Aro, and am happy living at home. It suits me financially and allows me to spend as much time with my family as I can. Our relationship is solid and we each pull out weight and act as one unit. 

 

I'm not 'out' as asexual to either of my parents, but they have never minded or been concerned that I don't date or act the way others my age do. 

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