ace-allo relationship (help?)

[Skinner]

hi everyone, it's my first time posting here, been a lurker for months but i figured it's the time i must create a topic here.

 

i think i am in a relationship now.

it's complicated - she recently realized she's a bisexual and, i think, fell in love with me.

she has a high libido and pretty much wants to have sex every day, everywhere and every way. 

i've explained to her multiple times that I am homoromantic and would prefer not to have sex, even though i am not repulsed by it, but she doesn't seem to believe that I am on the ace spectrum because "she doesn't want to shag every hot person she sees either".

i've never been sexually attracted to anyone, even though I might get high libido sometimes, but that's once in a blue moon when it happens.

anyways, my question is, how should i explain it to her that I'd rather not participate in sexual intercourse but I still am on the ace spectrum if I do?

I don't let her get it all the time, and she jokingly complains about it by saying "my (ex) boyfriend is much more willing than you!"

i don't want to lose her, i love her way too much, so i still agree to touch her when she wants to and i also allow her to touch me, even though i try to avoid getting naked in front of her as it makes me uncomfortable. if she really wants it i just drink enough so i don't have to stress about it.

i was close to losing her once because i'm a bad person and almost succeeded in my sewerslide attempt, but that's another story. anyways, the point is, i can't lose her, she's way too important for me, but she doesn't seem to get that i'm not just "inexperienced", but i really am not comfortable with participating in any sexual activities and don't feel attracted to other people.

for now i've stuck with the demi label as it seemed the most right at the time i was figuring myself out, but in reality, i'm afraid i am not that.

[brbdogsonfire]

Your girlfriend is implying she will go sleep with her ex if you don't have sex with her, am I reading that right? You have to get drunk to be comfortable naked around her? She doesn't believe you are asexual? There are some red flags here.

 

There are 4 possible paths a relationship can take when it comes to sexuality; a sexual compromise, having an open or poly relationship, being sex free, or breaking up.

It is sounding like a sexual compromise will not work for you, and being sex free won't work for her. 

 

We also know little about your relationship so I don't want my assumptions to sound like I really know what's going on in your relationship. Only you know how you feel about it. You are not at all wrong for feeling uncomfortable or even if you were completely unwilling to do sexual things.

 

In not just sexual situations you must be the one to enforce persinal boundaries as if you do not then someone else who doesn't care if they cross them will never start to respect your boundaries.

[uhtred]

I think the key is compatibility.   You need to find out if there is a level of sexual interaction that will make both of you happy

[steel_quill]

You should never feel pressured into doing something that actively makes you feel uncomfortable just to please another person. Each party in a relationship ought to feel respected and loved for who they are.

[Nylocke]

Wow time to run, that situation doesn't sound like it's gonna get any better x-x

[MinnieMouse]

On 5/10/2022 at 11:22 PM, uhtred said:

I think the key is compatibility.   You need to find out if there is a level of sexual interaction that will make both of you happy

Or, if you're not comfortable with having sex at all, discuss if it would be acceptable for both of you to have some kind of open relationship in which she can have the sexual part with someone else (after she has accepted that you're actually asexual and not just "inexperienced). I'm aware that this wouldn't work for everyone, but it's probably the only solution that would work for me if I was in a romantic relationship with an allosexual person. 

[MidnightStar]

Sex should be between 2 people who want to have sex. You don’t want to have sex, give her that information, stand your ground on your boundaries and what she does is up to her. Myself…. I’ve been married 13 years and I would rather split after 13 years, multiple children and a house together than stay and have unwanted sex for the next 40 years of my life until I die. I know if we do divorce I will never ever date anyone unless they are 100% asexual.