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Issues with a sexual friend who wants more


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hiccupping-hippo

I don't know what to do with this friend of mine. He is exhausting, he constantly cracks jokes and can't ever be serious. Ever since I've known him he's had no concept of personal space either. He used to pick me up and plonk me on his lap without asking and I could tell he was hard. Then one time while I was in hospital he went into my bedroom and took some books without asking me first. I've raised these issues with him again and again but it keeps on happening. I recently went on a trip with him. It was night and he had this idea of taking our clothes off and running around the bush naked. I thought it would be fun and lighthearted so agreed. For me there was never anything sexual to it, I thought it would be like two kids running around under a sprinkler. I AM SO STUPID AND NAIVE. SOMETIMES I COMPLETELY FORGET THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE A SEXUALITY! This was the first time I had seen him naked and he was erect. I felt really uncomfortable. Then he tried to pick me up, and I said NO. I tried to get some distance but he kept pulling me close to him and at one point I felt his penis touch me. I felt disgusting. I think this event affected me more than I realised (a few nights later I had a full on drug-induced psychosis where I thought I was being raped and killed). I have put up with so much from this guy, like him patting my butt. Unfortunately there have been moments where I have consented to sexual activity with him. I have let him touch me, but WITH his clothes on. I'm not into him and this needs to stop. I don't know if I've led him on. Right now I have him blocked as I really need some space. I don't wanna hear from him. I'm angry he didn't see how repulsed and uncomfortable I felt. He's no good at reading me at all. My mum says I should THANK him for not picking me up when I said no, and that I should be thanking him that he didn't lose control like other guys could have. Then on the other end of the spectrum I've had people tell me it was sexual assault what he did. I'd really like the thoughts of other aces. Can anyone relate to any of this, and what would you do if this was you?

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nanogretchen4

The only solution is to cut off contact with this person. You seem to keep hanging out with him and calling him a friend even though he has a long history of pushing your boundaries and you have a long history of not being good at saying no to him. While a case could possibly made for sexual assault I don't see any likelihood of getting a conviction and wouldn't advise pressing charges. On the other hand, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person. You just need to get him out of your life once and for all. Hang out with different friends who are not constantly trying to touch you sexually.

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hiccupping-hippo
1 minute ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The only solution is to cut off contact with this person. You seem to keep hanging out with him and calling him a friend even though he has a long history of pushing your boundaries and you have a long history of not being good at saying no to him. While a case could possibly made for sexual assault I don't see any likelihood of getting a conviction and wouldn't advise pressing charges. On the other hand, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person. You just need to get him out of your life once and for all. Hang out with different friends who are not constantly trying to touch you sexually.

Thank you for your reply, nanogretchen4. Yes I don't intend to press charges. I will give my time to friends who respect my boundaries. 

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2 hours ago, hiccupping-hippo said:

I don't know what to do with this friend of mine. He is exhausting, he constantly cracks jokes and can't ever be serious. Ever since I've known him he's had no concept of personal space either. He used to pick me up and plonk me on his lap without asking and I could tell he was hard. Then one time while I was in hospital he went into my bedroom and took some books without asking me first. I've raised these issues with him again and again but it keeps on happening. I recently went on a trip with him. It was night and he had this idea of taking our clothes off and running around the bush naked. I thought it would be fun and lighthearted so agreed. For me there was never anything sexual to it, I thought it would be like two kids running around under a sprinkler. I AM SO STUPID AND NAIVE. SOMETIMES I COMPLETELY FORGET THAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE A SEXUALITY! This was the first time I had seen him naked and he was erect. I felt really uncomfortable. Then he tried to pick me up, and I said NO. I tried to get some distance but he kept pulling me close to him and at one point I felt his penis touch me. I felt disgusting. I think this event affected me more than I realised (a few nights later I had a full on drug-induced psychosis where I thought I was being raped and killed). I have put up with so much from this guy, like him patting my butt. Unfortunately there have been moments where I have consented to sexual activity with him. I have let him touch me, but WITH his clothes on. I'm not into him and this needs to stop. I don't know if I've led him on. Right now I have him blocked as I really need some space. I don't wanna hear from him. I'm angry he didn't see how repulsed and uncomfortable I felt. He's no good at reading me at all. My mum says I should THANK him for not picking me up when I said no, and that I should be thanking him that he didn't lose control like other guys could have. Then on the other end of the spectrum I've had people tell me it was sexual assault what he did. I'd really like the thoughts of other aces. Can anyone relate to any of this, and what would you do if this was you?

In all honesty, to me as an older male, I think that this guy totally lacks respect for others, I'm a cuddle slut, but I don't just randomly cuddle people, I'm not sexually driven so I don't understand his actions, I have a lot of very close female friends, I'm grateful that they trust me and so do their partners, I certainly wouldn't take liberties and touch a woman in places like her butt, her chest or anything like that, I've held hands or cuddled someone when they're down, given them a kiss on the head or cheek, but that's only with people I know very well and I know that they know that I'm not after anything from them, it takes a long time for me to have the confidence to even do that, and it's only with close friends who I love and trust, occasionally some innuendos come out but that's just our sense of humour, but I have some close friends who don't like to be hugged, I respect that too and I keep my distance, I respect them which is why we are friends, if someone treated me as your"friend" does with you, that's not respecting the boundaries and I would distance myself from them, there's certain unwritten rules that any decent person will abide by, touching and invading someone else's space is one of them.

 

I have seen many of my female friends naked, again that's because they trust me enough to feel comfortable around me, a body is a body to me, I'm not repulsed by that, I love my friends for who they are rather than what they look like, just recently I spent a night in a hotel in the same room with a female friend, we went to a concert together, we did as we would normally do at home, neither of us thought anything of it, we had a kiss and cuddle before going to our beds, but there was nothing more in it, we respected each others space and boundaries because we're close friends and have been for many years, add that to the fact that she's married, I also respect her husband and his friendship, I'm also godparent to their children, there's no way I could betray the trust given to me and no way I would want to, a little respect goes a long way and this "friend" of yours doesn't respect you, keep your distance

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4 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The only solution is to cut off contact with this person.

I'm afraid that's the only thing I have to offer as well. Clearly, so there is no doubt, and as soon as possible. If you don't make it clear this guy will/may not get it, it seems. What a story! Without you realising, he may feel you have led him on, especially with the naked running around bit. Especially with the naked running around episode, but also because you keep hanging out with him, he may have seen this as reciprocity for his feelings about you. Don't blame yourself, though. Leading someone one is often with intent, which you didn't have, so... 

 

This guy doesn't have any boundaries it seems and you don't know what's going to happen next. I feel this is a toxic relationship/friendship, but I have limited information of course. I wouldn't be able to consider someone like that a friend. I don't think it's healthy, but again, not enough information and you will know best. 

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed

Tell him to stop or tell him goodbye, and make that explicitly clear and final either way. You've given major mixed signals from what I'm seeing, but he also apparently can't read between the lines. Don't rely on him to figure out the clues, spell the answer out for him. No means no.

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TormentDubz
5 hours ago, hiccupping-hippo said:

I've had people tell me it was sexual assault what he did.

It is

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MarRister

Even if he or you feel like you may have "led him on" or given him some mixed signals, that gives no one any right to cross anyone's boundaries. It is a bad excuse for bad behaviour. You can say no at any time in any situation when it comes to things like this, and don't ever feel guilty for it.

 

This guy sounds like he has repeatedly pushed your boundaries and does not seem to understand/care when you take issue with it. You need to listen to your boundaries and follow through on removing him from your life if he cannot respect them (which it seems he does not). 

 

I don't think people should be thanked for showing a basic level of respect, it should be a given. I do think people should be told off/rejected/made aware when they are not showing basic respect.

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Arctangent

Yikes, that is definitely not okay. I agree that you probably shouldn't hang out with this person anymore. I am concerned that he apparently knows where you live and even took some things from your bedroom without your permission. Considering his lack of respect for boundaries, I worry about how he might react to being told off, and if he could show up where you live. Do you have some friends or family you might be able to stay with for a little while in case you feel unsafe? Or at least someone you trust who knows what's going on and can check in with you regularly? It would be good to have an ally in this situation.

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steel_quill

Your guy "friend" does sound extremely exhausting. Since he hasn't been able to get that his behavior has been repulsive to you so far, I wouldn't count on him getting the message later. If someone's making you feel uncomfortable, best thing to do is to remove yourself from those sorts of situations. You could either:

  1. tell him that you feel like your boundaries have been violated, and you shouldn't see each other anymore; or
  2. don't tell him why and just stop seeing him, period; or
  3. gradually phase him out of your life (like gradually not replying to messages, avoiding get-togethers, turning down invites, etc., over a stretch of time like 1-2 months)

You shouldn't feel bad about "leading someone on" and then feel compelled to continue the relationship, because it had never been your intention to lead someone on, but rather, situations were misinterpreted by the other person as such.

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I have a dog, that bites. Its just a puppy, but still. When it does i push it away or I leave it alone, until it remembers that “biting” is off in our relationship. It usually comes crawling back and is very mellow and mild. Stand your ground.

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  • 2 weeks later...
hiccupping-hippo
On 5/8/2022 at 5:02 AM, MarRister said:

I don't think people should be thanked for showing a basic level of respect, it should be a given. I do think people should be told off/rejected/made aware when they are not showing basic respect.

Very true! Thank you for reminding me.

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hiccupping-hippo

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it. I wrote this guy a text stating clearly my boundaries and telling him I need space. I was happy with his response:

"Thank you for telling me this. I'm not going to attempt to make any excuses or justifications for how I behaved. It was completely inappropriate and I am truly ashamed. I'm going to think hard on what you've said and about how I act. I would hate to lose you as a friend. You mean the world to me. I'll give you the space you need and hope that you can forgive me."

Then a few days ago he wrote me an email. I haven't responded to any of his messages as, like I said, I need space.

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8 hours ago, hiccupping-hippo said:

"Thank you for telling me this. I'm not going to attempt to make any excuses or justifications for how I behaved. It was completely inappropriate and I am truly ashamed. I'm going to think hard on what you've said and about how I act. I would hate to lose you as a friend. You mean the world to me. I'll give you the space you need and hope that you can forgive me."

Then a few days ago he wrote me an email. I haven't responded to any of his messages as, like I said, I need space.

That's a nice message until he starts emailing you again. To me at least, it reads like the initial message was trying to 'let you go a bit to keep you on the line' as it were. I'm not sure whether you saying you need space was something that made him think he can get away with this again when you're finished needing space. I'm not sure whether this guy needs a much stronger and clearer message to have the message get through to him as it were, but again, you know the situation best of course. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
hiccupping-hippo
On 5/18/2022 at 5:05 AM, Acing It said:

That's a nice message until he starts emailing you again. To me at least, it reads like the initial message was trying to 'let you go a bit to keep you on the line' as it were. I'm not sure whether you saying you need space was something that made him think he can get away with this again when you're finished needing space. I'm not sure whether this guy needs a much stronger and clearer message to have the message get through to him as it were, but again, you know the situation best of course. 

Yeah, it's like he writes a nice message hoping to reel me back in again, and when that doesn't work he starts trampling all over my boundaries again. He keeps texting me. He has shown me he can't honour his word. He can't even give me space when I've asked so why should I believe that he will stop the sexual stuff. I'm sick of it.

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2 hours ago, hiccupping-hippo said:

Yeah, it's like he writes a nice message hoping to reel me back in again, and when that doesn't work he starts trampling all over my boundaries again. He keeps texting me. He has shown me he can't honour his word. He can't even give me space when I've asked so why should I believe that he will stop the sexual stuff. I'm sick of it.

(my like wasn't because I like what's going on!") I agree with @Guybrush ThreepwoodThis is one where I would break off all contact I think. It's not worth it, all the hassle and stress. 

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