32 and think I may be… something or I guess not something

[Confused at 32]

Hi! I’m new to thinking about myself as anything other than sexual and am confused. I’m sure there are many posts like this but the ones I found had people that found their answers and didn’t seem to still question. I’m 32 years old, have a 5 & 6 year old, married for 6 years and I love romance books and get turned on by some of the scenes in said books. I’ve always known I haven’t had as much sex as my sisters, who have always been pretty open about how much they enjoy sex but I just figured they were above average. Since my first long relationship I’ve always tried to keep the frequency of sex to at least 3 times a week. Not specifically because I wanted it but because after research I read that’s pretty average and I assumed my libido was below average. After having my oldest it’s been harder to keep up with that more and more up until it was once every couple months. When thinking about sex I’m not turned off. I really like reading asexual romances but those never really quite fit until I read “finding your feet”. I still don’t quite feel that that fits but it was closer. I started asking my sisters questions about what they thought sexual attraction was to them and other questions about their relationships with their significant others. And I asked my husband about how he thinks of sexual attraction, to which he said something along the lines of wanting to bone all the time… definitely was not super helpful. He asked me what I thought about the sex scenes in the books and I said they were hot but I thought the rush, intense passion to have sex and frequency always seemed made up. I can say I personally have never looked at someone and thought “man, I want to have sex with them”. I’ve been reading about the differences in types of attraction and can’t tell if I’m feeling sexual attraction, romantic attraction or aesthetic attraction. It’s honestly all super confusing and my husband is being pushy to try and figure it out RIGHT now and talking about how he’s been feeling and how not getting that intimacy has been making him feel shitty and it’s upsetting. I’ve been feeling inadequate and like I’m not living up to my part of the relationship and even when I really dread having sex sometimes I still do because I don’t want to make him feel worse. He’s really not super pushy and has backed off since he finally believes what I’ve been telling him for 5-6 years, that it’s not him, I’m not less attracted to him than I was when we first met. I’m just having a harder time doing something that I didn’t really get much out of in the first place except an orgasm (which I do enjoy but a toy does the same thing, normally quicker and with less mess). We have two kids and both work full time jobs and it’s just hard to put that as a priority when like I said, to me the main reason I have sex, which has been true for the entirety of our relationship is because he enjoys it. Which feels weird typing it out because I never really thought of it that way. I just set a schedule and did it because that’s average until having kids and found that schedule was harder and harder to keep up with… but I can’t say I feel asexual is completely what I’m feeling. I mean, some sex scenes in books turn me on, I find people attractive but am having a hard time defining that attraction, I don’t know what to think at this point because like I stated at the beginning, I’ve always thought of myself as a sexual person because I do have sex, and I do enjoy sex sometimes (even though I never initiate or get turned on prior to touching). Any advice is appropriated and hopefully it wasn’t too much TMI…

[Skycaptain]

@Chaelab1990, welcome to AVEN 🍰🍰

[Geekykitty]

3 hours ago, Confused at 32 said:

 I really dread having sex sometimes 

 

3 hours ago, Confused at 32 said:

I do enjoy sex sometimes (even though I never initiate or get turned on prior to touching).

Hi 😊 Firstly, enjoying romance books or sex scenes or masturbating doesn't mean you're not asexual, because none of these things are the same as actually wanting and having sex. 

The main thing I guess you need to think about is when you think of your relationship with your husband do you see sex as something you'd gladly live without/rather not do, or something that you feel is important and you would like in the relationship. Above you mentioned that sometimes you "dread" having sex. If you really feel this way then you shouldn't feel like you have to have sex just because your husband wants it. You have a right to say no at any time. Being married doesnt give a person ownership of your body.

But then you say you enjoy sex sometimes. When you say you "enjoy it" though, is that the same as you really wanting it? Do you actively want to have sex and desire that sort of intimacy with your husband? Or would you be happier without having sex? Is sex something you don't feel is needed in the relationship?

Only you can really figure yourself out 😊 Its good you are taking the time to think about it.

 

[Confused at 32]

I enjoy it in the sense that there is pleasure in it. We went months without having sex last year and I didn’t even notice or care. If we were to never have sex again I don’t think I would care. But, I married my husband knowing he was a very sexual person. He never gets upset at me when I say no, it hurts him because he needs that intimacy so I do it to make him happy. It didn’t used to be such a chore though and with so much more in our lives I realize that’s what it was. I don’t know what made it change other than stress, kids, work or doing something I’m not really into for 5 years and then getting pregnant and not having sex for the last couple months made me realize how much I didn’t care about it… Kind of like when you get in the habit of exercising to lose weight but you don’t really enjoy it but you enjoy the effect, you’re doing it to reach a goal and then you reach the goal and are like “it’s ok if I slack a bit now” and then you slowly taper off giving excuses for every day you miss at first and then just stop all together… lol… I haven’t done that ever. But after having some conversations with my husband and doing research and thinking back on my past relationships. I can’t remember ever having sex strictly because I was horny and needed sex with another person to alleviate it. My first time having sex was me calling up an ex and saying “hey, let’s have sex” because I kept hearing everybody talking about how great it was.

[JLo]

I feel very much like you. I am 55 with 4 kids. It's the first time I have seen this forum or started realising I'm not alone or a weirdo . I am going to start my own thread so I don't hijack yours! 

[MidnightStar]

It’s really confusing and hard when you have kids involved. I guess the hardest part for me is by splitting up I am essentially giving up custody of my children 50% of the time. I don’t want nights with them not in my home or weekends and holidays where we aren’t together because they’re with their dad. My kids all prefer me anyways so would most likely be unhappy in this situation.  I think in the long run we will divorce when someone else turns his head and I am emotionally and financially preparing for this outcome but for now we’re floating along as best friends. I would rather divorce after 13 years marriage than have sex I don’t want to have for them next 40 years.  We aren’t having sex anymore because I think sex should have 2 happy and willing participants and thats not me. It’s unrealistic to think he’d stay and I would prob be relieved if he left because the tension and feeling like I’m continuously letting him down would go too. Message me if you want to chat. I could use a friend

[Passer]

@Confused at 32 I think your story has a lot of parallels to my own. Also married with two kids and only recently finding out that the view I have on sex fits within the ace spectrum. I also like my romance books 😉

Reading about young people that discover asexuality doesn't really fit my experience, because 'back in the day' I never questioned the need to have sex that society dictated. And the difference in frequency when it comes to my husband's want for sex and mine, well, that's just what is was: a difference. In most ways, that's still all it is. The thing that's new is that I'm not constantly looking for excuses / reasons for my low sex drive and lack of interest in it. I'm trying to accept it's just who I am. However, the difference between me and my husband is still there and we'll have to navigate that, just like we've been doing for the past twenty years. I can't imagine a life without him, especially if this is the only thing that troubles our marriage from time to time. 

I think you'll have to find your own way. Try to find out what label fits you, if you want a label at all. Maybe a label isn't even necessary if you're happy with the way things are. 

[Confused at 32]

I don’t think I need a label. I never thought I did. My husband though had really latched onto it. He had me read the cake/asexuality comparison and I was like “yeah, but I really love cake. Sex, not so much”. Just thought it was hilarious since it’s always been a thing where my husband really doesn’t give a rats ass about desserts but, in my opinion, is the horniest person ever. Then there’s me, who doesn’t give a rats ass about sex but oh my god, I’d eat dessert first if I could… As far as our marriage, we’ll have to figure something out. For sure seeing a couples therapist and having a plan that works for us. Not sure what that is but… we’ll figure it out. For those married, what are options you’ve looked into or done?