What's the Incentive to Have Sex A Second Time?

[hudsonvalley76]

If it doesn't feel good the first time, why do allos go back for seconds, and thirds, etc...

[Blue eyes white dragon]

They want to perfect it because even though first time for some isn't the best they learn and figure out what works and what they like the more they do it. At least that is what I gather from my friends

[Ceebs]

Because most of us know that the first time isn't necessarily going to be earth-shatteringly great (I mean, it might be, but also certainly might not be and odds are it won't be the best sex of our lives, but can still be pleasant enough) and we innately know that we want to connect and be intimate with someone that way and that it takes time to get comfortable with sex and with our sexuality and that you learn a lot of stuff over time through experience. Plus even if there are some aspects of it that are less than stellar initially, we still really enjoy the underlying feelings... that intense desire, wanting someone in that particular way, the idea of being that close and exploring each other's bodies and hopefully experiencing pleasure (both physical and emotional). It's just a natural thing for us so we continue doing it. (Well, barring any massively catastrophic experiences, of course; some people find themselves in situations that are deeply upsetting or even traumatising and may not attempt to reengage with anyone else sexually for a while.)

[hudsonvalley76]

I have a true Ace mind. If it doesn't feel good the first time, I'm not going back for seconds. 

[Deltalorian]

From what my friends have told me and from what I can gather, it's probably because of the attraction felt towards that person, and the body giving you a positive emotional release from having sex with those that you are attracted to, beyond the physical sensations. I've kind of assumed this from what I've been told, so I'd have to ask in the future to know for sure. Plus, libido definitely forms part of that push to do it again. So the people with medium to high libidos will feel their body push them to do it again, whether they're sexually attracted to that person or not.

[J. van Deijck]

27 minutes ago, hudsonvalley76 said:

I have a true Ace mind. If it doesn't feel good the first time, I'm not going back for seconds. 

What is a "true ace mind" anyway? There are many asexuals who are sex favourable or sex neutral, and it doesn't make them any less asexual.

I do it just for my partner and as rarely as possible, it doesn't make my orientation and identity invalid, it's a matter of attraction, not the actions.

[coolshades]

44 minutes ago, hudsonvalley76 said:

If it doesn't feel good the first time, why do allos go back for seconds, and thirds, etc...

I've asked the same question about childbirth.

 

Most allos know that the first time is not going to feel good, or won't be like the sex they read about in books or see in movies.  They understand, I think, that it's going to take time for them to figure out exactly what they want and how it will be most pleasurable for them.  And I'm sure there are enough positives from the first experience (provided it was consensual, of course) that they want to do it again.

[Libellule]

Seconded what's already been said.

The first time I had sex it was more out of curiosity rather than desire for the other person, and it was not exactly a great experience. Nothing that I regret doing, but I remember thinking something among the lines of "well, this was actually not monumental at all and changed nothing about me as a person", which I guess was kind of what I had hoped would happen. But while I was confused I also knew that I would probably feel more comfortable with it over time. 

I think another important point is that sex doesn't always feel just good or just bad. It can be many things in-between. I personally for example find having sex with a new person for the first time almost always awkward to some extent. It can sure feel good to connect with them and figure out what works for them, but I at least always need a bit of time to "warm up" and that's why I wouldn't know how to rate these encounters. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

Because most of us know that the first time isn't necessarily going to be earth-shatteringly great (I mean, it might be, but also certainly might not be and odds are it probably won't be) and we innately know that we want to connect and be intimate with someone that way and that it takes time to get comfortable with sex and with our sexuality and that you learn a lot of stuff over time through experience. Plus even if there are some aspects of it that are less than stellar initially, we still really enjoy the underlying feelings... that intense desire, wanting someone in that particular way, the idea of being that close and exploring each other's bodies and hopefully experiencing pleasure (both physical and emotional). It's just a natural thing for us so we continue doing it. (Well, barring any massively catastrophic experiences, of course; some people find themselves in situations that are deeply upsetting or even traumatising and may not attempt to reengage with anyone else sexually for a while.)

 

1 hour ago, alsjeblieft said:

What is a "true ace mind" anyway? There are many asexuals who are sex favourable or sex neutral, and it doesn't make them any less asexual.

I do it just for my partner and as rarely as possible, it doesn't make my orientation and identity invalid, it's a matter of attraction, not the actions.

Im going to take a guess here and say that the OP probably sees it as a type of "well that wasnt what it was cracked up to be so its probably shit in general" which may not be the most healthy approach to viewing sex (Ive been there) but it is also a reflection of what many aces and sexuals face, especially the first while they try out sex, and even more so if it isnt a particularly eventful or positive experience;  because in general, it is still erroneously pushed as a "be all end all" experience; reason why we still have ideals that the first time just has to be "special" and it has to be with someone youre madly in love with, or it just has to be "the one", and it just has to be an earth shattering "omg that was THE BEST EXPERIENCE IVE HAD IN MY LIFE, EVER!!!, otherwise (inser negative remark) despite the fact that many people have sex the first while with people they never see again or that sex is really shitty with. Sometimes it takes several partners to click and even more so, time to figure out what we like and dislike, yet by this point we (not meaning anyone here, just speaking in general) are headcasing the whole thing

 

I think sex, for both sexuals as well as asexuals (curious, sex positive ones, etc)  would be a much better subject and a far better pleasant experience if it wasnt tied to overly ridiculous notions and ideals. At the very least, it would save us from things like  having to resort to intoxicating ourelves to get through it or living in a state of anxiety because we somehow didnt do it right, depite the fact that there is no "right" way to have sex

[everywhere and nowhere]

I am a person who feels a very strong incentive to have sex exactly zero times in my life , but... at least for not-exactly-allosexual people, I wouldn't ignore sociocultural messages. When the concept of epistemic injustice was first applied to asexuality, it mentioned exactly this aspect: how asexual people (like, basically, all people with experiences considered untypical) have it harder to recognise their identity because of a system in which sexual activity is the norm (and a person needs to be really sex-averse to easily recognise that no, it's simply something they do not want to do) - and if they don't enjoy sex (which is not the same as asexuality, but seems significantly correlated), the messages they are most to encounter will tell them to "keep trying!", and not that "maybe you are asexual?". The former kind of message is everywhere because the "system" considers sexual activity the norm, erases asexuality, but also - importantly - considers sexual activity something inherently valuable - so people with this kind of mentality feel like they must keep others from "missing out" on the supposed wonders of sex...

And since I don't think of asexuality and allosexuality as clear-cut identities, since I don't recognise the existence of supposed "sexual dysfunctions" such as "HSDD" and believe that lack of sexual desire is not a disorder, period (at most, I can acknowledge that a relatively sudden disappearance of previously present libido can indicate a problem) - I also wonder if many allosexual people with low libido wouldn't feel completely fine being celibate if not for the cultural messages which instill in them the sense that lack of sexual activity is A Problem and something to be Regretted...

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

the "system"

What exactly is this 'system' you're referring to? 

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

3 hours ago, hudsonvalley76 said:

If it doesn't feel good the first time, why do allos go back for seconds, and thirds, etc...

If sex doesn't feel good the first time, you're possibly...

• Doing it wrong
• Needing to consult a doctor about some health issue
• Sleeping with the wrong gender
• One of the subset of trans/NB/GNC folks who aren't comfortable with sex in their present body
• Doing it for reasons other than pleasure
• Asexual

2 hours ago, coolshades said:

I've asked the same question about childbirth.

 

Most allos know that the first time is not going to feel good, or won't be like the sex they read about in books or see in movies.  They understand, I think, that it's going to take time for them to figure out exactly what they want and how it will be most pleasurable for them.  And I'm sure there are enough positives from the first experience (provided it was consensual, of course) that they want to do it again.

You get something out of the pain of childbirth though, it's transactional in that way. You're trading your immense temporary suffering for the child you're birthing, There is an incentive for this extremely painful acts that vulva-people can engage in. That's the reason that somebody may go through this voluntarily more than once. Compare that to something like getting stabbed or hit by a car, which nobody stands up and says "I think I want to do that again" after doing.

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

If sex doesn't feel good the first time, you're possibly...

• Doing it wrong
• Needing to consult a doctor about some health issue
• Sleeping with the wrong gender
• One of the subset of trans/NB/GNC folks who aren't comfortable with sex in their present body
• Doing it for reasons other than pleasure
• Asexual

Well first-time penetration can be painful for some girls/women because of hymenal tissue, without any of those reasons applying.

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

5 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Well first-time penetration can be painful for some girls/women because of hymenal tissue, without any of those reasons applying.

I did say "possibly". 

[everywhere and nowhere]

25 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

What exactly is this 'system' you're referring to? 

The sociocultural consensus in which sexual activity is privileged and asexuality and celibacy is ignored.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

I did say "possibly". 

Yeah, fair. Just didn't want that point to be forgotten. It's easily one of the main physical reasons girls might find it unpleasant.

[Ceebs]

11 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

The sociocultural consensus in which sexual activity is privileged and asexuality and celibacy is ignored.

Well, sexual people engaging in sexual activity isn't objectively better somehow than being asexual and/or celibate, but it is far more common than either of those things so we're naturally going to hear more about sex from that perspective. As we should because it's more widely relevant. (Doesn't mean there isn't space for awareness of asexuality or for people to choose celibacy, though.)

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

43 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

I am a person who feels a very strong incentive to have sex exactly zero times in my life , but... at least for not-exactly-allosexual people, I wouldn't ignore sociocultural messages. When the concept of epistemic injustice was first applied to asexuality, it mentioned exactly this aspect: how asexual people (like, basically, all people with experiences considered untypical) have it harder to recognise their identity because of a system in which sexual activity is the norm (and a person needs to be really sex-averse to easily recognise that no, it's simply something they do not want to do) - and if they don't enjoy sex (which is not the same as asexuality, but seems significantly correlated), the messages they are most to encounter will tell them to "keep trying!", and not that "maybe you are asexual?". The former kind of message is everywhere because the "system" considers sexual activity the norm, erases asexuality, but also - importantly - considers sexual activity something inherently valuable - so people with this kind of mentality feel like they must keep others from "missing out" on the supposed wonders of sex...

And since I don't think of asexuality and allosexuality as clear-cut identities, since I don't recognise the existence of supposed "sexual dysfunctions" such as "HSDD" and believe that lack of sexual desire is not a disorder, period (at most, I can acknowledge that a relatively sudden disappearance of previously present libido can indicate a problem) - I also wonder if many allosexual people with low libido wouldn't feel completely fine being celibate if not for the cultural messages which instill in them the sense that lack of sexual activity is A Problem and something to be Regretted...

The same general line of thinking seemingly applies to any minority group honestly. Replace asexuals with non-whites, with non-Christians (at least in the west), with immigrants, with neurodivergent people, with folks with disabilities...

[everywhere and nowhere]

13 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

The same general line of thinking seemingly applies to any minority group honestly. Replace asexuals with non-whites, with non-Christians (at least in the west), with immigrants, with neurodivergent people, with folks with disabilities...

Sure, and I even mentioned it ("like, basically, all people with experiences considered untypical").

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

3 minutes ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

Sure, and I even mentioned it ("like, basically, all people with experiences considered untypical").

My apologies, I missed that line in your post. Not enough coffee yet apparently...

[Blue eyes white dragon]

8 hours ago, hudsonvalley76 said:

I have a true Ace mind. If it doesn't feel good the first time, I'm not going back for seconds. 

Guess I'm not a true ace then 🤷🙃

[Acing It]

8 hours ago, alsjeblieft said:

What is a "true ace mind" anyway? There are many asexuals who are sex favourable or sex neutral, and it doesn't make them any less asexual.

I do it just for my partner and as rarely as possible, it doesn't make my orientation and identity invalid, it's a matter of attraction, not the actions.

I agree but I think @hudsonvalley76 meant someone who is as ace as it gets on the spectrum? Someone ace who doesn't want to know about anything? Doesn't make you more ace or less ace of course. That's what I read into it anyway. 

[Ceebs]

It helps, OP, if you think of sex as a means of human connection. If someone knows they want to have friends and they try to befriend someone and it doesn't really go anywhere, do you think it would be likely they'd give up on friendship altogether? How about if they develop romantic interest in someone but the other person doesn't feel the same way, should they give up on love because that experience of unrequited feelings was painful? Sometimes after many attempts over the years, people do give up on these things if they're repeatedly unsuccessful for some reason and it's painful and they feel bitter. If they struggle socially, perhaps they close themselves off and decide they don't need any friends. If they struggle to connect romantically, they may eventually think, 'Fuck it, I'm better off alone'. If they have consistently negative sexual experiences for some reason, they may shut down sexually and decide it's not worth bothering with. But usually when we want friends, when we want to experience a loving romantic relationship, when we want to experience fulfilling sexual intimacy... these are all innate cravings for types of human connections that we generally don't just give up on at the first crappy experience or setback. 

[Skycaptain]

Speaking as a greysexual who also experiences anorgasmy, my GF enjoys congress, and does orgasm, so whilst I enjoy the physical intimacy, she gets a lot more from it than I do, but sexy stoof helps cement our relationship.

[Lord Jade Cross]

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

It helps, OP, if you think of sex as a means of human connection. If someone knows they want to have friends and they try to befriend someone and it doesn't really go anywhere, do you think it would be likely they'd give up on friendship altogether? How about if they develop romantic interest in someone but the other person doesn't feel the same way, should they give up on love because that experience of unrequited feelings was painful? Sometimes after many attempts over the years, people do give up on these things if they're repeatedly unsuccessful for some reason and it's painful and they feel bitter. If they struggle socially, perhaps they close themselves off and decide they don't need any friends. If they struggle to connect romantically, they may eventually think, 'Fuck it, I'm better off alone'. If they have consistently negative sexual experiences for some reason, they may shut down sexually and decide it's not worth bothering with. But usually when we want friends, when we want to experience a loving romantic relationship, when we want to experience fulfilling sexual intimacy... these are all innate cravings for types of human connections that we generally don't just give up on at the first crappy experience or setback. 

I agree.

 

I feel if the way it was presented changed somewhat as something you can do or want to do, which would by definition include or show its innate nature VS it feeling like its an  undesirable obligation, alot more people might not have not such a strong backlash towards it when they dont fit into that group. If anything, many asexuals would likely not mind sex at all. Its the feeling pressured that drives us up the wall and creates hostiliy towards it

[Lord Jade Cross]

11 hours ago, hudsonvalley76 said:

I have a true Ace mind. If it doesn't feel good the first time, I'm not going back for seconds. 

Its counterproductive to have this mindset as it will limit you, and at times hinder you, whether youre asexual or any other orientation. There isnt a type of "pure breed" of something for these things

[Morays]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

But usually when we want friends, when we want to experience a loving romantic relationship, when we want to experience fulfilling sexual intimacy... these are all innate cravings for types of human connections that we generally don't just give up on at the first crappy experience or setback. 

Adding onto Ceebs' point: even beyond interpersonal relationships, maybe it helps to think of all the other activities in life that require more than one go. Things like taking up a new hobby, learning to drive or ride a bike or swim, cooking a complicated new recipe, starting a new job... there's a good chance these things won't go amazingly on the first try, but usually folks will keep going because they understand it gets easier, and because the difficulty is a learning experience that gives them a better idea of what to try for next time.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I'm a celibate virgin too, and know for certain sex isn't something I want for myself. But I can see what drives other people to try it, even with the risk of pain and embarrassment and everything that can accompany a first attempt. It's largely the same reasons we keep persisting at anything else that we want to have in our lives. Almost everything I have that brings me joy took effort and failure of some kind to bring into existence.

[Arctangent]

To add onto the analogy with hobbies, people are diverse in what they want and enjoy from life, which goes for sex but also other activities broadly. I know I have no interest in skydiving, for instance, it just sounds terrifying to me. I can't relate to people who willingly go skydiving and enjoy it, but I trust they have their reasons for doing it and can accept that some people do truly enjoy it, I'm just not personally cut out for it. Sometimes there are things people like that are hard for others to understand or relate to beyond a purely intellectual level, and I think that probably applies to how some asexuals feel about sex. I felt that way about sex when I identified as asexual, at least. I tried my best to figure out what drove people to want sex, but at some point I kind of had to just accept that other people were feeling a way about sex that I didn't. (I do understand the feeling better now, but that's another story.)

[MrDane]

If the context is like this: two people like eachother and would like to add a physical dimension (sex), but it isnt fanfuckintastic?Sometimes the ‘first sex’ is awkward or covered in worries (does he really love me? Does she think im disgustingly fat? Do I send a wrong signal if I…? Should I not have shaved?)And all off those worries can result in a less nice experience. Maybe next time will be nicer, and eventually you will learn to combine the rythm of both partners and create awesome sex. 
 

I use analogies myself, but they tend to miss a dimension. If I go do a hobby once in a while, even with a close friend, and we share our interest and commitment in this. This is fine and within the social understanding of being in a relationship, but still living your own life. There is a huge difference between hobbies here. ‘Sport’ is quite accepted as a hobby which requires partners, close contact and sweating.  ‘Fucking’ is probably like a direct ticket to divorceland with guilt and broken home. 

[hudsonvalley76]

On 5/7/2022 at 3:59 AM, alsjeblieft said:

What is a "true ace mind" anyway? There are many asexuals who are sex favourable or sex neutral, and it doesn't make them any less asexual.

I do it just for my partner and as rarely as possible, it doesn't make my orientation and identity invalid, it's a matter of attraction, not the actions.

I'm gonna stick to the sex repulsed threads. Looking for a community of like minded people, not looking to be reprimanded and for people looking to take offense.