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Sexual with premature ejaculation married to asexual


frustr8ed

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I have PE and married an asexual to get around my PE problem.

I'm sick of having PE ---- my dilemma is , for me to fix my premature ejaculation problem I need to have more sex and my wife would have to help me with it

she evidently does not want to help. she barely ever touches my penis.

This is affecting my relationship with her because i feel resentment towards her.

Although I think that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing and not because of a genetic predisposition like other sexual orientations like homosexuals

What would you do?

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okay, I hate to say this, but I'm going to sound like a total dick in this post. Oh, and I'm not asexual, I'm a sexual male. So don't go pinning this post on the wonderful A's around here.

I have PE and married an asexual to get around my PE problem.

You married someone to get around a problem? She's not a tool to be used to solve a problem, she's a human being.

I'm sick of having PE ---- my dilemma is , for me to fix my premature ejaculation problem I need to have more sex and my wife would have to help me with it

wow, i'm shocked, SHOCKED I say, that the asexual wife you married and who probably thinks you love her doesn't want to have a bunch of sex with you to help you fix your disorder which would most likely lead to you wanting more sex. Something she is highly unlikely to want in the first place, and most likely didn't expect you to be too demanding of, what since you knew she was asexual when you got married and all.

she evidently does not want to help. she barely ever touches my penis.

This is affecting my relationship with her because i feel resentment towards her.

Then grow up, you knew she was asexual when you married her, she is not required to change who she is just because you decide that mr winky wants to play.

Although I think that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing and not because of a genetic predisposition like other sexual orientations like homosexuals

What would you do?

You think she is asexual because of her upbringing? Are you saying that she was traumatized sexually in some way as a child or are you just calling her a prude?

In summary, you used a woman by marrying her to get around a problem and now you are stuck because she doesn't want to change who she is just because you decide that she isn't the desired solution any more.

Did I miss anything?

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okay, I hate to say this, but I'm going to sound like a total dick in this post. Oh, and I'm not asexual, I'm a sexual male. So don't go pinning this post on the wonderful A's around here.
I have PE and married an asexual to get around my PE problem.

You married someone to get around a problem? She's not a tool to be used to solve a problem, she's a human being.

I'm sick of having PE ---- my dilemma is , for me to fix my premature ejaculation problem I need to have more sex and my wife would have to help me with it

wow, i'm shocked, SHOCKED I say, that the asexual wife you married and who probably thinks you love her doesn't want to have a bunch of sex with you to help you fix your disorder which would most likely lead to you wanting more sex. Something she is highly unlikely to want in the first place, and most likely didn't expect you to be too demanding of, what since you knew she was asexual when you got married and all.

she evidently does not want to help. she barely ever touches my penis.

This is affecting my relationship with her because i feel resentment towards her.

Then grow up, you knew she was asexual when you married her, she is not required to change who she is just because you decide that mr winky wants to play.

Although I think that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing and not because of a genetic predisposition like other sexual orientations like homosexuals

What would you do?

You think she is asexual because of her upbringing? Are you saying that she was traumatized sexually in some way as a child or are you just calling her a prude?

In summary, you used a woman by marrying her to get around a problem and now you are stuck because she doesn't want to change who she is just because you decide that she isn't the desired solution any more.

Did I miss anything?

Thanks for your honesty --- I guess i tried to keep the post short and it' didn't come out right..

Don't get me wrong I love my wife. and I don't think I would cheat on her -- with or without her permission --

With regards to the SHOCKING statement -- I didn't know she was asexual until we got married -- she said she didn't want to have sex until marriage--- so basically I got stuck with a bad sex life -- I have a low sex drive due to my premature ejaculation issue. but dare i want to enjoy sex occationally ---

I understand that I can't change her but what's wrong with a little compromise? am I not entitled to a little pleasure?

I don't have anything against asexual people " i love one"

I hope that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing, she has never told me that she suffered any sexual trauma, but her parents are super prudes and I think that's what she learned. maybe she'll enjoy sex one day --- not for me---- but for herself --

we go to forums to get advice and hopefully a little understanding and your response was just plain rude. you're right you did come off as a dick

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Yeah, I don't like to be like that, and I apologize, but the information provided in your post such as "i married an asexual woman to get around my PE problem" really made it seem like you knew she was asexual before you got married. I'm glad it was simply a lack of communication between us instead of that actually being the case.

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I understand that I can't change her but what's wrong with a little compromise? am I not entitled to a little pleasure?
having been in that situation, the above is not the way to address the issue. it will make her feel subhuman and definitely unloved. Here it's all about mindset. you've told her your situation, get her to discuss hers. Depending on her true opinion of sex (which she may not even really know) compromise may or may not be possible. You said you love her, this is one of those 'for worse' times..
we go to forums to get advice and hopefully a little understanding and your response was just plain rude. you're right you did come off as a dick
i concur, and I hope as others get to talk to you you will feel more welcome here and maybe you and your wife can come to some working solution
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Siete Sevens

The only thing I can suggest is a lot of (probably uncomfortable) talking (maybe with a professional involved?). If she really doesn't want to have sex because of her upbringing, maybe she'll come around. If she truly is asexual, you and her will have to figure out how to deal with that. Maybe she'll be willing to compromise (just please don't pressure her into anything), maybe you won't be able to stay together because you want sex and she doesn't. Either way, I can imagine it's going to be rough going, and I hope everything works out for you in the end.

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Yeah, I don't like to be like that, and I apologize, but the information provided in your post such as "i married an asexual woman to get around my PE problem" really made it seem like you knew she was asexual before you got married. I'm glad it was simply a lack of communication between us instead of that actually being the case.

no problem -- sorry i wasn't clear the first time around --- PEACE :)

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My family was Catholic so I know a lot of prudes. My sister told me that the first time she had sex she was thinking "I'm going to Hell, I'm going to Hell, but GOD this is good!"

In other words, if she was brought up to be a prude, but is capable of enjoying sex...she will enjoy sex.

If she was traumatized in the past, then pressuring her to have sex with you is not the solution. Counseling might be a solution, or there may be no solution.

If she is a born asexual, she is asexual and nothing you do or say can change that.

am I not entitled to a little pleasure?

If you could seek out pleasure on your own without having to impose on the sovereignty of another person's body, then I would say yes, you are entitled to a little pleasure. But please realize that you are talking about another person's body here. Your pleasure is not free. It comes at great cost. If you pressure her into sex, she will start to resent you as much if not more than you currently resent her. Having unwanted sex causes emotional and mental damage to the asexual that may prove unrepairable. Any chance you have of achieving compromise will quickly disappear.

There have been no studies of this but I can tell you from personal experience that the symptoms of having unwanted sex, even if nominally consenting (she says yes but really does not want to), are the same symptoms of rape and PTSD. They set in slower and the negative impact is gradual than for rape or event-related PTSD, but the depression, anxiety, inability to concentrate, feelings of panic, feelings of worthlessness, etc....they are all the same. This is what you do to an asexual when you pressure hir into unwanted sex. Each time you pressure hir, it gets worse. And the effects never completely go away, as far as I know.

What to do about it?

I am not an expert on premature ejaculation, but if you sex drive really is lower because of it...why try to fix that? The more you "fix" your sex drive, the more you put stress on your relationship. So I don't understand that mentality, but like I said I know little about PE so maybe I am missing something here.

And though he comes across as brash, mdw does have a point. Why on Earth would she want to help you fix your PE problem if that is going to make you want sex more?

Anyway, besides perhaps re-assessing your situation from the point of view of what is best for the relationship, rather than what our culture tells you is best, might help on your part. On her part I recommend honestly exploring her feelings about sex - not necessarily by having sex, just by honestly assessing how she feels about it, under no pressure from you. Then, of course, the ultimate thing to do is talk to each other about it and respect each other's feelings as totally valid.

But I don't think there is a single solution, or a step by step guaranteed solution. This might just be something you struggle with for the rest of your marriage.

Sorry to sound negative. Good luck.

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This may be a stupid question, but why do you want to fix your PE? If your wife's A, I doubt she wants sex to last any longer than it does already. And as you guys are married then presumably you're not planning on having sex with anyone else. So, why fix it?

I often ask myself that very question why do i want to solve my PE problem if my wife is asexual---

Well for one thing I'm sexual and i would like to have sex occasionally

the other reason why is because It affects me as a person in many ways. if affects my self esteem, confidence, etc

I guess it's hard for an asexual to understand but i wish i could function normally as a sexual.

my dilemma is what do i do if i restore normal sexual function? if i'm with someone that has no sexual interest?

I guess it's so I at least know I can do it. ---it would help my confidence---

I honestly don't think I could go have sex with another sexual because it's not sex i crave -- i think i crave initimacy, closeness and sex for me is the closest someone can be with you.

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...It affects me as a person in many ways. if affects my self esteem, confidence, etc

...

I guess it's so I at least know I can do it. ---it would help my confidence---

Here's something that always gets me, and maybe you can help me out on this. How are we defining self esteem and, more importantly, confidence? Merriam Webster defines self esteem as "a confidence and satisfaction in oneself " and confidence as "a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances."

Now I can see how PE might affect one's satisfaction in themselves, and thus self-esteem, but confidence pertains to circumstance, and I see no circumstance aside from sexual activity itself where PE would affect one's confidence. Sorry to sound rude, but I fail to see how knowing you can last longer than thirty seconds is going to affect your confidence on the job, in sports, anywhere aside from things directly relating to the act of sex.

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I'll lead by saying i kinda think like Dargon on this one, but we'll see if I can't mediate this a bit:

this was exactly how my ex (sorry to have to use that word.. on the plus side he's married and still talks to me) described it. he also said it affected his confidence and esteem, especially around me.

so although i don't get it, i do understand it to be a common thought process for a sexual male. this lead to alot of problems between us because he couldn't explain it and i couldn't understand it.

I am still totally believing your assertion that you love your wife and assuming that in most respects you two get along and can have meaningful, insightful, fun, etc. conversations and experiences together.

And so I think a way for you to lead here is to understand that she may not understand either (like me) but that you have a bond that allows you to admit that. don't take it personally that she recoils a bit at times and don't be upset when you cant think of the words to express that there's something instinctual that means alot to you for some reason.

people are people after all. you can't expect her to understand you just as much as you may not even realize how much you do or don't understand her.

i hope that was the most confusing wad of grammar I have used all day.. XD

maybe this should be elaborated on... o.o'

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Well for one thing I'm sexual and i would like to have sex occasionally
i could function normally as a sexual.
I honestly don't think I could go have sex with another sexual because it's not sex i crave -- i think i crave initimacy, closeness and sex for me is the closest someone can be with you.

These three statements don't seem to match up.

It seems to me that it might not be the act of sex you are stressing about but all the things sex symbolizes. Sex symbolizes your virility and identity as a man, thus lack of sex or poor sex hurts your self-esteem. Sex symbolizes what a "normal" man should be like; anything short of a great sex life stigmatizes you as abnormal which is unpleasant. Sex symbolizes a loving relationship, thus you crave affirmation of that love with your wife.

Not saying that there isn't a biological urge there, or that it physically feels good...I am sure that is there too. But the issues causing you the greatest conflict all seem to do with what sex psychologically symbolizes to you. So, one solution might be to address the things that sex symbolizes rather than trying to bandage over them with a sex life that, quite frankly, you are not likely to ever achieve with your wife.

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Woah.

M51 has got a good point there. I think maybe society pulls a brain twister on people into thinking they need to be at top performance in bed at all times to be happy well adjusted people. Look at viagra commercials, the "Good Morning, Good morning!" one that completely killed a perfectly decent song from "Singing in the rain" for at least a year after the commercial was no longer aired for instance. The people in those commercials are always dancing or jumping or doing all sorts of crazy happy happy joy joy pump your fists in the air type activities that have at first sight nothing to do with sex. First time I see those commercials I always think hey, this is a great commercial for an anti depressant... oh crap, it's the little blue pill. If some one were to draw a simple conclusion from these commercials it is that sex = happiness. One could flip it and look at the darkside and say no sex= unhappiness.

What else do people conclude from sex. Penis size is often considered a measure of a mans worth and his abillity to pleasure his partener when in reallity a large penis appearantly a less effective tool in doing so. However if you want to insult a man "Go for the balls" insult him by alluding to him having a small penis, or that he can't keep an erection or ... god forbid... that he ejaculates prematurely. We're I in that sort of situation where people were always making jokes about a condition they had no idea I had I would feel ashamed and want to change it if I could. That sort of thing damages the ego big time.

That perception is going to be tough to banish. It might not matter to our Frustr8ed brother here that PE is no big deal particularly when his partener isn't pressuring him to perform if his self confidence is on the line because the majority of people out there are always basing so much on a man's bedroom prowess.

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There have been no studies of this but I can tell you from personal experience that the symptoms of having unwanted sex, even if nominally consenting (she says yes but really does not want to), are the same symptoms of rape and PTSD. They set in slower and the negative impact is gradual than for rape or event-related PTSD, but the depression, anxiety, inability to concentrate, feelings of panic, feelings of worthlessness, etc....they are all the same. This is what you do to an asexual when you pressure hir into unwanted sex. Each time you pressure hir, it gets worse. And the effects never completely go away, as far as I know.

M51, I think you typically give good advice, but I don't think you should be generalizing like this. People are different, both in how they react to pressure and how they regard sex, and relationships are different, and so every asexual is not going to react like you did. (And even the ones that do react the same way may not be doing so for the same reasons. Your post makes it sound like pressure to have sex is inherently worse than pressure to do other things. Someone who doesn't see sex as special, for instance, might not even care that it's sex they're being pressured into, and would react the same way if similar pressure were applied regarding another activity.)

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i did not see M51's statement as stating that pressuring someone into sex is -worse- than others. I however do react this way and that might be making me see it more from that perspective.

you do have a point, Eta, in that this was a generalization. I cannot think of any other ways in which this manifests though. Are you saying that with other ppl, in other relationships the person may be more adept at dealing with the situation and so they don't feel as badly about themselves and what their doing for the sake of their relationship / SO? Or are you saying that there are those who can't wait to jump into a relationship where their 'job' (in a manner of speaking) is to have sex at the other person's discression because that person does other things for them (cuddling / friendship / etc.) ?

I realize that probably came out rather ascerbic... and I honestly don't mean to incite more than an understanding of what you meant ^^; but this is a touchy subject for me unfortunately =

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i did not see M51's statement as stating that pressuring someone into sex is -worse- than others.

She compared the resulting distress to trauma from violence, and mentioned sex specifically. If she just meant pressure in general, she could have said that, and I doubt she thinks that all pressure in relationships is that bad.

I could be reading this wrong, of course, but that's what it looked like.

I cannot think of any other ways in which this manifests though. Are you saying that with other ppl, in other relationships the person may be more adept at dealing with the situation and so they don't feel as badly about themselves and what their doing for the sake of their relationship / SO?

I'm saying that different people handle pressure differently, and different parters apply pressure differently, and different people regard sex differently. For some asexuals, being pressured into having sex may be no worse than being pressured into doing anything else they don't particularly have any desire to do. And, of course, everyone handles pressure differently (and everyone applies pressure differently), so not everyone is going to be as hurt as M51. It's ridiculous to say that we're all going to react as if violently assaulted because someone nagged us into screwing them.

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ahh, ok. thanks. (as typifies me XD ) i hadn't thought about it from the pressurer's side. there are lots of variables to take in o.o

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I have PE and married an asexual to get around my PE problem.

I'm sick of having PE ---- my dilemma is , for me to fix my premature ejaculation problem I need to have more sex and my wife would have to help me with it

she evidently does not want to help. she barely ever touches my penis.

This is affecting my relationship with her because i feel resentment towards her.

Although I think that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing and not because of a genetic predisposition like other sexual orientations like homosexuals

What would you do?

Wow, I am just in the opposite situation. My husband has PE and he is asexual and I am sexual.

Talk about a big mess, what did I get myself into? :roll:

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I have PE and married an asexual to get around my PE problem.

I'm sick of having PE ---- my dilemma is , for me to fix my premature ejaculation problem I need to have more sex and my wife would have to help me with it

she evidently does not want to help. she barely ever touches my penis.

This is affecting my relationship with her because i feel resentment towards her.

Although I think that my wife is asexual because of her upbringing and not because of a genetic predisposition like other sexual orientations like homosexuals

What would you do?

Wow, I am just in the opposite situation. My husband has PE and he is asexual and I am sexual.

Talk about a big mess, what did I get myself into? :roll:

I think there may be hope for you... maybe he's asexual because of the fear of disappointment ? things that make you go hmmmm ;)

I have relatively low sex drive because I feel I have to apologize after my short sex session... my problem is further exasperated further because my wife is not really interested. and I feel like I have to make the session short to lessen her negative experience.

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Damn life sucks sometimes!

First I was with a man who wanted sex day and night, it was great, all kinds of fun in the bedroom daily. BUT he wouldn't keep a job, or be responsible at all with his life.

Then I meet a guy who is totally responsible, makes great money, but hates sex! Geez, I cannot win for losing.

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