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what level of affection do you get from your asexual spouse?


frustr8ed

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I agree with tulip's answer. I'm also asexual, but like hugging and cuddling, etc, as long as the person with me knows that this won't lead to sex. Maybe she thinks if she starts being tender and close to you, you will immediately want to continue towards sex, which she doesn't want, so she does not even hugs/kisses you. There again, try to speak with her to clarify what she likes or not exactly, so she will feel comfortable.

Not all asexuals are touch/kiss-averse.

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faithlessfate

My girlfriend doesn't like kissing, least not, mouth-to-mouth... little touches, cuddling, she's getting used to, but I try not to push. It helps that we're LD, but if we were ever to meet it would be something we'd discuss openly, with honesty.

She knows I'm not going to push her for sex, ever. and I know she's said it makes it a little easier to relax for physical contact, to know it.

Also, I just realized that I typed an answer to your question, but not to the topic question.

Having said all that above, the level of affection I get from my girlfriend is quite high. She calls me babe, sweetie, little things that I know she DOES NOT do for people she's not dating. Even just getting little pokes on facebook makes me feel affection from her.

AFFECTION IS NOT PHYSICAL, IT'S EMOTIONAL.

Faith

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Im back on AVEN after being gone a few months due to a transpacific move back to America with my family.

Have been married to the same man for 24yrs and Im 44yrs old. Have never cheated on my husband but I think about it all the time. Guess some call it a fantasy. I call it being lonely.

My ASexual husband almost never touches me in any manner. I get the occational fatherly peck on the lips when he goes to work in the morning. That ...describes the entire affection that I get from my husband. We have not had the act of sex in years.

Husbaband tells me that Im still cute and have cherub cheeks. That Im nice and would reach out to anyone if in need. Im very clean, take daily showers, wear clean clothes, have an education and take super care of our kids. My husband does like me but he just cant touch me.

I have deep pain in my soul over this, we dont connect anymore and our marraige is like a buisness relationship. He works, I take care of the home. My husband likes this arrangement and he would divorce me if I met with another man.

I have so much to say but will keep this short.

WendyO

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I am asexual, but definitely like affection like hugging, some kissing, and being close-right now, I am struggling in the same situation I have found myself in a few times-being with someone who is starting to push and push me for sex, and critical and mean when I withdraw. It's so emotionally painful. I am a good person, affectionate, a hard worker, and clean. I constantly get criticized now for wanting a clean house, and not laying around in bed half the day.

It puts me off even affection with this person. Pressure can do that to an asexual, especially if they are sensitive about being so.

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Frust8ted, the range of physical affection asexuals are comfortable with varies greatly. I would like to agree with faithlessfate that affection is in the emotions, but I also understand the craving for a physical expression of that.

I personally LOVE hugging, cuddling, peck-style kisses, holding hands, etc. I will occasionally go for French/tongue kissing but I can't do it for long and I don't like it.

Some asexuals can't stand any physical touch, to the point where they do not even like to shake hands with business partners and stuff.

And some asexuals are fine with any physical touch to include sex (though they do not desire sex or experience sexual attraction).

So it really depends on your wife.

Another thing faithlessfate mentioned is that it is often easier for an asexual to be affectionate if they know they will not be expected to escalate the physicality to a more sexual level. I have repressed much of my desire and capacity for physical affection in most of my relationships because it seemed like if I gave him a peck on the cheek he would expect me to follow up by removing clothing. I could be wildly affectionate if I only could be sure that no sex or tongue-licking-(ew)-stuff would result from it.

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Nico-Nico Friendo

I haven't really been in a relationship with anyone. I think I might like hugging and cuddling if nothing else was expected of me beyond that.

But right now, I don't like to show any physical affection towards people because I'm afriad of what it might mean to them (that it might mean something I didn't mean to imply or encourage, that is).

When guys would ask me out in high school, I would think they were creepy, because I thought, "If they like me, they must be sexually attracted to me, and if I show any niceness towards them whatsoever they're going to think it means I like them in the same way."

So I tried to keep them at as far a distance as possible. I didn't want to get attached to them, and I didn't want them to get attached to me.

If I felt pressured to or expected to have sex with someone who liked me, I'm pretty sure that this would push me far, far away from that person physically and emotionally -- even if I liked them, too (at least at first).

As far as I know, I'm aromantic, though (probably because I thought there was no such thing as 'the right person' for me because 'every' man would eventually want sex out of me, right?). I'm very disillusioned when it comes to 'love'. Sometimes I wonder if the kind of love I'm thinking of even exists or if it's simply a delusional contruct of my mind. All I know is that for me love has nothing to do at all with sex.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Freed_Spirit

Joining the chorus: I'm a very affectionate, romantic asexual, and I love cuddles and little kisses - but if I think any physical affection instigated by me is going to meet with the expectation of sex, I shut down and daren't touch or cuddle my partner - which is painful and upsetting for both parties. I guess the only solution is talking things through.

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Thanks to the ASexuals for giving me (a sexual) a bit of advice on this thread. Talked to my A husband and told him that if he could just hold my hand once in awhile or give me a hug that I promised he could trust me and I would not pressure him for sex.

We have been sex free for years and no touching vice a fatherly kiss on his way out the door to his job.

Today my husband gave me a good morning hug. As promised..I hugged back but insuated nothing beyond the hug. This is big progress for us.

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I'm glad to see that there was some compromising made =)

I'm asexual and my husband...well, he at least likes me. For a small period, I wasn't comfortable hugging, kissing, or holding hands because I was afraid I would lead him to think something else was going to happen.

Once I told him exactly what I wanted, and he showed that he was supportive/understanding, I became much more comfortable with it (even though sometimes I admittedly freeze up).

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Freed_Spirit

Woohoo for your morning hug, WendyO! And thank you for your patience and understanding. I know it can't be easy for you and I wish you both great happiness. And :cake:

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I realize that we're talking about asexuals but I don't even get a hug much less a kiss.

Well, I never thought my life would come to this, but it has. I went from being loved and giving love all my life to absolutely nothing.

Before I met my husband, my ex boyfriends and I were very good at intimacy. Lots of hugs, holding hands, and my favorite, KISSING.

But since meeting my husband (who I believe is asexual) or something close to it.

I now get nothing, no hugs, no kissing, no touching, no smacking my ass when I bend over, no nothing...

All of my girlfriends just cannot believe it !! They can't even bend over without their husbands saying something sexual or wanting sex. They cannot even go without wearing a bra without their husbands frantically needing to cop a feel, to touch their breasts.... They definately cannot walk around naked (as I do) without their husbands demanding something.......

Me, I do all of those things daily, and it all goes un-noticed.

It makes a girl feel very unattractive to say the least.........

I used to feel wanted, sexy and attractive, now I feel just the opposite, because of the lack of interest my husband has in women and in sex, and especially in me.

I don't equate my self-esteem to the love of a man, that is not what I am saying. I know that I am attractive and desirable, but it just puts a damper on it when you are not desired by your own husband.

Instead I turn to other, not so good things to get my "fix". I tend to eat more now: Food=Love. And I tend to shop more now, to fill the void in my life. Which is the total lack of intimacy, the lack of romance, and the lack of affection.... :cry:

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I know that I am attractive and desirable, but it just puts a damper on it when you are not desired by your own husband.

The best way I can describe this is that you KNOW you're attractive and desirable, but you don't FEEL attractive and desirable. The disconnect between knowing something and feeling it can be huge. A roller-coaster is a good example: you know you won't die, but you feel like you will.

-Chiaroscuro

(oh, and for the statistical function of this thread: no hugs, check; no kisses, check; no hand-holding, check.)

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I know that I am attractive and desirable, but it just puts a damper on it when you are not desired by your own husband.

The best way I can describe this is that you KNOW you're attractive and desirable, but you don't FEEL attractive and desirable. The disconnect between knowing something and feeling it can be huge. A roller-coaster is a good example: you know you won't die, but you feel like you will.

-Chiaroscuro

(oh, and for the statistical function of this thread: no hugs, check; no kisses, check; no hand-holding, check.)

Wow, you described it perfectly! And also, I should mention here, that for me, it's not that my husband doesn't want me anymore, and it's not that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore, and it's not that he has an interest in someone else, none of those things are the case in our marriage. it's simply that he has no sexual or romantic desires. he has no need for intimacy or touch and feel type of stuff. That part is difficult for me to comprehend, even though I try very hard to, it's just not comprehensible to my mind, heart or brain. And that leaves me feeling upset, confused, and depressed most of the time.....

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My husband and I haven't had sex in over 3 years. We haven't kissed, cuddled, hugged, held hands, or otherwise shown any affection in about 10 years.

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  • 2 weeks later...
AliceInWonderland
Im back on AVEN after being gone a few months due to a transpacific move back to America with my family.

Have been married to the same man for 24yrs and Im 44yrs old. Have never cheated on my husband but I think about it all the time. Guess some call it a fantasy. I call it being lonely.

My ASexual husband almost never touches me in any manner. I get the occational fatherly peck on the lips when he goes to work in the morning. That ...describes the entire affection that I get from my husband. We have not had the act of sex in years.

Husbaband tells me that Im still cute and have cherub cheeks. That Im nice and would reach out to anyone if in need. Im very clean, take daily showers, wear clean clothes, have an education and take super care of our kids. My husband does like me but he just cant touch me.

I have deep pain in my soul over this, we dont connect anymore and our marraige is like a buisness relationship. He works, I take care of the home. My husband likes this arrangement and he would divorce me if I met with another man.

I have so much to say but will keep this short.

WendyO

Wendy.

You sound so much like me and my relationship with my husband except we don't have kids. I wish I had an answer for you. I feel the same way.

Take care.

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Some asexuals can't stand any physical touch, to the point where they do not even like to shake hands with business partners and stuff.

i can relate to that..

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  • 1 month later...

Sometimes I want to hug guy friends or guys that I'm interested in, but I don't do it.

I've always been physically shy with people my whole life. As an asexual, I guess I never had the need to touch other people, even in an nonsexual way like a friendly hug or a pat on the back. I went my whole life rarely touching other people and only started hugging others at 16 years old when I began drinking. I guess being intoxicated helped me relax and after a couple drunk hugs, I got used to it and now I don't mind.

Anyway... since I don't have much practice being physical with people, sexual or not, I'm not too smooth with it. By practice, I mean hugs, play-fighting, cuddling, sitting on people, all things that younger teens seem to do when they're getting interested in the opposite sex and want to interact.

If I want to touch someone, I often have to plan and over-analyze how I'm going to do it. If it's the right time, place or if I can do it without making it awkward or clumsy. It just doesn't come naturally to me. For example, I always saw guys running up to girls and picking them up. Okay, seems easy. But when a guy did it to me, my instinct was to freeze up into a stick which seemed to make it harder for them to pick me up. It's something I always do when I get picked up, I can't help it. I also don't know how to react when a person physically flirts with me like puts his arm around me (Am I supposed to put my arm around his waist? What if we're sitting?), playfully hits me (It feels awkward to hit someone back when they're expecting it..), etc.

Physical contact is like a second language to me.

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BleedingThrough

^It's like a second language to me too. It's so awkward. I;m getting a little better with having close frineds that are girls hug me but I don't like for guys to touch me.

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^It's like a second language to me too. It's so awkward. I;m getting a little better with having close frineds that are girls hug me but I don't like for guys to touch me.

same here..lol.. not even handshake ..wahahahaxD..n ther will b ppl asked me, wats wrong wif a handshake..lol...

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Well, I never thought my life would come to this, but it has. I went from being loved and giving love all my life to absolutely nothing.

Before I met my husband, my ex boyfriends and I were very good at intimacy. Lots of hugs, holding hands, and my favorite, KISSING.

But since meeting my husband (who I believe is asexual) or something close to it.

I now get nothing, no hugs, no kissing, no touching, no smacking my ass when I bend over, no nothing...

All of my girlfriends just cannot believe it !! They can't even bend over without their husbands saying something sexual or wanting sex. They cannot even go without wearing a bra without their husbands frantically needing to cop a feel, to touch their breasts.... They definately cannot walk around naked (as I do) without their husbands demanding something.......

Me, I do all of those things daily, and it all goes un-noticed.

It makes a girl feel very unattractive to say the least.........

I used to feel wanted, sexy and attractive, now I feel just the opposite, because of the lack of interest my husband has in women and in sex, and especially in me.

I don't equate my self-esteem to the love of a man, that is not what I am saying. I know that I am attractive and desirable, but it just puts a damper on it when you are not desired by your own husband.

Instead I turn to other, not so good things to get my "fix". I tend to eat more now: Food=Love. And I tend to shop more now, to fill the void in my life. Which is the total lack of intimacy, the lack of romance, and the lack of affection.... :cry:

WOW...I can relate to this...best of luck!

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My partner often says that even though she knows I'd like more physical affection, it simply never occurs to her to give me any.

But...

She actually does like hugs, and will always share one when I want one, she's fine with getting and giving back massages etc. Kissing not so much, and french kissing not at all. We'll often fall asleep wrapped up in each others arms.

[potential TMI warning]

Actually, because my wife knows that she's likely to go 99% of the time forgetting to show me any physical affection, she makes up for it the other 1%. I can't remember the last time she initiated a hug, but we fairly frequently manage oral sex - she figures if I'm only going to get 15 minutes a week of any sort of attention, it might as well be good!

For much of our relationship, this has also included (usually infrequent, but adventurous) sex - but for various reasons at the moment that's not happening :(

[end TMI]

Even after nearly twenty years it's a work in progress - we try to shift the compromise to whatever suits my level of desire for affection/tolerance of no affection, and her level of desire for no touching/tolerance of physical intimacy. When our needs align, it's good (despite me wanting more, and my wife wanting less affection, we can see that we're finding a middle path). When I'm feeling super-frustrated after a long affection drought, or my wife feels pressured/hassled, it's not so good. But it's more often good than bad, and everything else in the relationship is perfect, so we try to focus on that.

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When I'm feeling super-frustrated after a long affection drought, or my wife feels pressured/hassled, it's not so good. But it's more often good than bad, and everything else in the relationship is perfect, so we try to focus on that.

Sounds awesome to me, Olivier. I'm in your position, so I know how excruciatingly painful it can be to feel "shut out" physically. But it sounds like you and your partner really have found a middle path. Congratulations to you both!

-Chiaroscuro

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Sounds awesome to me, Olivier. I'm in your position, so I know how excruciatingly painful it can be to feel "shut out" physically. But it sounds like you and your partner really have found a middle path. Congratulations to you both!

-Chiaroscuro

I think we HAVE found a good middle path, but even so, we wander off it from time to time. At the moment we've been off it for a while, but I reckon we're close to being back on.

It was actually about a month ago, when we were WAY off the path and I was searching around for ANY advice that could help us out, that I discovered AVEN. Reading about what others in the same situation had tried really helped me, and I found a lot of what you had written in the past especially useful. So thanks! (and mkt if you're still around)

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