Am I the only one?

[faithlessfate]

Am I the only sexual person in a relationship with an asexual who's okay with that?

Increasingly, I read posts from sexual people who feel they NEED sex to validate their emotions.

sex is an act. it feels good(to me), it's fun(imo), but not neccesary to the strength of a bond.

if there's emotion there, well, to me sex is french fries. You have a hamburger(relationship), it's yummy, there's ketchup(emotion) on it, and you don't NEED french fries to complete the equation. Some people like French Fries, some people find their lunch just isn't complete without them.

Some people don't like french fries. They don't need them, don't want them, some outright despise them.

if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want french fries, either give them up, or find another hamburger.

Faith

[mouri_shin]

haha awesome

i'm gonna have to keep that analogy XDD

i know you're not alone, tho alot of us have more scars than successes sadly. (and speaking from my A mindset i shouldn't really be replying i guess :shock: )

[ConspiracyDawg]

I've actually never liked french fries at all...

[Livet]

Wooo! :lol:

You got it, show em you don't always need fries with that!

[BunnyK.]

I don't think you're alone, but I'm here representing the contingent that really can't do without the fries.

In fact, for you, sex might be the "fries", but to me, a romantic relationship without sex is like a meal without flavor. Sure, it can exist, but what's the point?

[faithlessfate]

In fact, for you, sex might be the "fries", but to me, a romantic relationship without sex is like a meal without flavor. Sure, it can exist, but what's the point?

Actually, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm so severely hypersexual, sometimes I feel like I need it as much as I need air.

however, I also feel strongly for my asexy girlfriend, and don't wish to make her uncomfortable.

I love french fries, and crave them often... but I don't need to make my girlfriend buy them... that's not fair.

[Camella]

Am I the only sexual person in a relationship with an asexual who's okay with that?

Increasingly, I read posts from sexual people who feel they NEED sex to validate their emotions.

sex is an act. it feels good(to me), it's fun(imo), but not neccesary to the strength of a bond.

if there's emotion there, well, to me sex is french fries. You have a hamburger(relationship), it's yummy, there's ketchup(emotion) on it, and you don't NEED french fries to complete the equation. Some people like French Fries, some people find their lunch just isn't complete without them.

Some people don't like french fries. They don't need them, don't want them, some outright despise them.

if you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't want french fries, either give them up, or find another hamburger.

Faith

I thought I was the only asexuaul person on the entire planet and everyone else loved getting some.

You are not the only one in a relationship with a sexual partner. My hubby loves sex... all kinds of sex... he's experimental and i'm an autistic who researched all the styles of sex that other cultures and peoples enjoy. I know I'm strange, I don't "enjoy" sex but I love to learn about every little thing including sex. So he likes my wealth of knowledge on the subject and wants to try it all. However, I am not capable of dominatrix so I will never do that with him.

[faithlessfate]

I thought I was the only asexuaul person on the entire planet and everyone else loved getting some.

You are not the only one in a relationship with a sexual partner. My hubby loves sex... all kinds of sex... he's experimental and i'm an autistic who researched all the styles of sex that other cultures and peoples enjoy. I know I'm strange, I don't "enjoy" sex but I love to learn about every little thing including sex. So he likes my wealth of knowledge on the subject and wants to try it all. However, I am not capable of dominatrix so I will never do that with him.

I'm not the asexual, Camella. I'm the sexual one. I don't think you're strange at all, for researching it.

I believe I'm an Aspie, so I completely understand you.

[Camella]

Wow Thanks :)

[Raven17]

Your analogy worries me. Often I skip the burger and just go for the fries! :shock: :mrgreen:

[faithlessfate]

Your analogy worries me. Often I skip the burger and just go for the fries!

ordinarily, I might too... but my thing is, if you're involved with an asexual, they don't want fries.

if they let you go out to your local micky d's for fries, then it's great.

but just because your sweetie won't make you fries for your very own, doesn't mean she loves you... it means she doesn't like(or even may be allergic to) them.

so, hence my "get over it"

[Chiaroscuro]

Actually, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm so severely hypersexual, sometimes I feel like I need it as much as I need air.

however, I also feel strongly for my asexy girlfriend, and don't wish to make her uncomfortable.

I respect your desire to sacrifice for your girlfriend's sake (you say you're willing, but you are making a sacrifice). That's chivalrous and noble.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're pretty young. College-age on the outside. I'm also going to go out on a limb and guess that your relationship with your girlfriend doesn't span more than a handful of years. If I'm wrong, fine, but in my experience, heroism only can only carry you for so long. Eventually, sacrificing the self wears it down or renders it unrecognizable.

-Chiaroscuro

[BunnyK.]

I respect your desire to sacrifice for your girlfriend's sake (you say you're willing, but you are making a sacrifice). That's chivalrous and noble.

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're pretty young. College-age on the outside. I'm also going to go out on a limb and guess that your relationship with your girlfriend doesn't span more than a handful of years. If I'm wrong, fine, but in my experience, heroism only can only carry you for so long. Eventually, sacrificing the self wears it down or renders it unrecognizable.

If I'm remembering correctly, FF is polyamourous. That to me seems like it would make it much easier for her to accept an asexual relationship than it is for us poor naturally monogamous folks. =P

[faithlessfate]

I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're pretty young. College-age on the outside. I'm also going to go out on a limb and guess that your relationship with your girlfriend doesn't span more than a handful of years. If I'm wrong, fine, but in my experience, heroism only can only carry you for so long. Eventually, sacrificing the self wears it down or renders it unrecognizable.

-Chiaroscuro

Actually I'm nearly 30 on the outside, and my relationship, while new, has been on my mind for almost 3 years.

I don't look at it as heroism, I look at it as neccesary. My best friend is allergic to peanuts. Her girlfriend doesn't eat them. She eats them when she's out with other people, sure... but my girlfriend and I also have an arrangment.

I cannot express strongly enough how frustrated I am with people on this board. You're all whining pessimists, because you keep telling me "well you'll get sick of it" and "it'll pass" and "you'll eventually leave"

I won't, okay, get over it.

If I'm remembering correctly, FF is polyamourous. That to me seems like it would make it much easier for her to accept an asexual relationship than it is for us poor naturally monogamous folks. =P

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with being polyamorous or not. If you love someone, you make sacrifices for them. I'm sorry, that's just how it is.

I love browncoatrebel, and I'm not going to put her in any kind of awkward position, or push her into something she doesn't want. It will take some getting used to, as I told her, but she and I have both agreed we will communicate openly and honestly, and I feel safe and secure in my relationship with her, regardless of my polyamorous status.

she accepts it, why can't you people? It's really beginning to hurt me that you all seem determined to lump me in with all these sexuals who whine and cry about "I can't feel love if he/she doesn't fuck me! OH NOES! emo!!!111"

I'm not like that. plain and fucking simple.

Faith

(feeling extremely defensive)

[Chozo]

Actually I'm nearly 30 on the outside, and my relationship, while new, has been on my mind for almost 3 years.

I don't look at it as heroism, I look at it as neccesary. My best friend is allergic to peanuts. Her girlfriend doesn't eat them. She eats them when she's out with other people, sure... but my girlfriend and I also have an arrangment.

I cannot express strongly enough how frustrated I am with people on this board. You're all whining pessimists, because you keep telling me "well you'll get sick of it" and "it'll pass" and "you'll eventually leave"

I won't, okay, get over it.

Faith

(feeling extremely defensive)

I don't think it's fair to say AVEN is all whining pessimists. The thing is there are a lot of people who post here who have had bad experiences, which can make people pessimistic. Also you have to remember that a lot of people come to AVEN because of failed relationships or because they feel they aren't normal or there is something wrong with them, which causes them to go looking for others who might feel the same way. Take a peek in the welcome forum at the number of "thank god i'm not the only one" type posts and you'll see what I mean.

I don't think anyone genuinely wishes you ill or is hoping that your relationship will fail, certainly I personally hope we can get more "success" stories, hopefully that will turn the tide against all the negativity I see on here. Also, if enough people who have good solid successful relationships (whether between 2 asexuals or between mixed couples) there might build up a base of experience, so that it isn't only people with bad (or no) experiences replying to threads like this

[mouri_shin]

i personally am proud of you faith and see you as a positive example of someone who is understanding, both of yourself and your SOs.

granted... i am a whining pessimist XD but i think that these types of relationships aren't so rare as they seem to be and that there's plenty of ppl (like yourself) with every intention and the willpower and interest to make it work.

i see your defensiveness and raise you a hopefulness. :lol: :lol:

[mdw]

i see your defensiveness and raise you a hopefulness. :lol: :lol:

And I the same.

[BunnyK.]

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with being polyamorous or not. If you love someone, you make sacrifices for them. I'm sorry, that's just how it is.

It may sound cold, but I don't love *anyone* enough to sacrifice myself for them.

My life, maybe, but not my *self*.

That doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it make me a whining pessimist. I just know my limits.

[Chiaroscuro]

she accepts it, why can't you people? It's really beginning to hurt me that you all seem determined to lump me in with all these sexuals who whine and cry about "I can't feel love if he/she doesn't fuck me! OH NOES! emo!!!111"

I make sacrifices for my children. I make huge sacrifices for my Asexual wife. I have never, anywhere on this board said "I can't feel love if she doesn't fuck me" or anything remotely similar. I love my wife very much. The prospect of having to leave her tears my heart out.

What I don't appreciate is someone saying to someone else (sexual, asexual or otherwise): "your pain isn't real, get over it."

If you've found something that works for you, that's terrific. But what your posts boil down to is "Look at me, I'm heroic. You should all aspire to be as well."

That makes me defensive.

-Chiaroscuro

[mouri_shin]

What I don't appreciate is someone saying to someone else (sexual, asexual or otherwise): "your pain isn't real, get over it."

ditto, but i didn't see faith say that o.o but on the whole, this statement is true for me

[faithlessfate]

But what your posts boil down to is "Look at me, I'm heroic. You should all aspire to be as well."

That makes me defensive.

-Chiaroscuro

Actually, I'm not trying to be "heroic" i'm trying to be an accepting girlfriend. I came on these baords, because she asked me to... and I've just beocme increadingly frustrated. There are people like you, Chiaro, and mdw up there who I've seen are wonderful people...

and then there are those who just make me :evil: , because I don't understand not being able to sacrifice something like sex, to be in a loving relationship.

[Chiaroscuro]

Actually, I'm not trying to be "heroic" i'm trying to be an accepting girlfriend. I came on these baords, because she asked me to... and I've just beocme increadingly frustrated. There are people like you, Chiaro, and mdw up there who I've seen are wonderful people...

I appreciate that, Faith. Here's my question to you. Would you feel good about your girlfriend forcing herself to have sex with you because she knew it would make you comfortable? Would you consider that being an accepting girlfriend? Someone who was open minded enough and big-hearted enough to act against her nature? Would you feel okay about accepting that "gift" from her?

and then there are those who just make me , because I don't understand not being able to sacrifice something like sex, to be in a loving relationship.

I love my children deeply, with all my being. I love my wife, though I can't express it to her as I would like to. Those are loving relationships that don't involve sex.

My soul longs for something else. I am surrounded by love. By people who love me and whom I love in return. Love isn't part of the equation. What I long for is a mate. A partner-in-desire. The fact that my wife can't be that partner doesn't affect my love for her in the least, but it does affect my ability to live a healthy life according to my human, sexual nature.

-Chiaroscuro

[mouri_shin]

i really don't want to throw this out there >.< ... here goes:

Chiaroscuro is right, sexual ppl have been scientifically proven to be more emotionally balanced and confident in their lives if they have a healthy sex life. (don't ask me to quote that.. it was a long time ago ) But what do you expect your wife to do about it?

once I stood up and said 'hay, lets think that maybe -my- emotional well-being is important for once' things went down the crapper for me = (and i became increasingly more resentful, blahblah.. )

you yourself mentioned a person might 'act against her nature' for a person they loved, (which i did) and you implied that it may be a bad thing there. (which i applaud your vision there as this is also my case o.o ... creepily) but then you followed it up with something resembling 'her not putting out is crippling me' so please tell me your insightful solution before chastising another in your general situation.

maybe you should be trying to make friends and share understandings rather than alienating each other..?

[Chiaroscuro]

Mouri_shin wrote:

you followed it up with something resembling 'her not putting out is crippling me' so please tell me your insightful solution before chastising another in your general situation.

Operating on the assumption that this is addressed to me: I, unlike Faith, don't presume to recommend my insightful solution to anyone but myself. The solution being that I'm going to stay in my marriage with my lovely asexual (or more properly NON-sexual) wife for a few years... until my son is grown up a bit more to where we think he can accept a split with as little damage as possible. If my wife is able to heal in that time, then we will attempt a compromise (I do not condescend by saying heal, she isn't a "classic" asexual, but a sufferer of childhood sexual abuse). If not, then we will attempt to find more suitable partners, and continue to love one another as we do now... as very, very good friends.

My solution contains what are, to my mind, very profound sacrifices on all sides. I sacrifice by giving up three more years of my life without a mate, my wife sacrifices by giving up her husband, my children (worst of all), aren't give any choice BUT to sacrifice by having a supportive family group broken apart. What isn't sacrificed in all of this is anyone's right to live a healthy life.

Perhaps not so insightful, and not a hollywood solution by any stretch, but we feel it's the best we can do, and we're trying to achieve it with love and understanding.

Not sure if that's what you're looking for, Mouri. It would be so much easier if one of us simply surrendered their identity for the benefit of the others.

-Chiaroscuro

[mouri_shin]

Chiaroscuro, in no way do i think there's an easy solution in that (exemplar: your) case.

but something very human occurs more often than not on these boards and that's the 'i'm putting forward so much effort, why won't they?'

i think like this, and it wasn't until i realized i was thinking like this and that my partner was thinking the -same thing- that it finally struck me that we each had limits. we weren't putting forward -everything- because that would be an emotional, physical and/or other sacrifice that we might not be able to bear.

so i thought i'd see if my experience (however limited it is) can get other ppl thinking about each other.

I'm glad you love your wife and that you're thinking of your family. You're certainly not a bad person (if that's what i seemed to be saying) and i can see people typing things in 'moods' and maybe not conveying what they truely think over a forum post. my interpretation was that sex > love for you and maybe that's normal (well, as normal as anyone is) but in my eyes it seems cold to the love your wife may have every intention of providing. I'm sure you know much more than i do (as i basically know nothing) but i can say that i interpreted the 'i'd rather divorce the best thing that ever happened to me than not hit something' as morally objectionable. = so i thought i'd prod

[Chiaroscuro]

i interpreted the 'i'd rather divorce the best thing that ever happened to me than not hit something' as morally objectionable.

I don't follow this bit, Mouri. Can you quote me directly?

-Chiaroscuro

[mouri_shin]

haha ya, i mentioned earlier that this was my interpretation. (sorry if my world is a little super bitter and so i took this to a much colder extreme than intended)

The fact that my wife can't be that partner doesn't affect my love for her in the least, but it does affect my ability to live a healthy life according to my human, sexual nature.

[Chiaroscuro]

haha ya, i mentioned earlier that this was my interpretation. (sorry if my world is a little super bitter and so i took this to a much colder extreme than intended)

The fact that my wife can't be that partner doesn't affect my love for her in the least, but it does affect my ability to live a healthy life according to my human, sexual nature.

Oh, okay. My point is that I love my wife with all my heart, but she isn't my lover. That's a specific type of relationship, that I can's share with her. Doesn't affect my love for her, the two aren't linked.

I married because I wanted a mate whom I loved. What I have is a non-mate, whom I love. As far as having a loving, caring life-mate, I'm fine. On a purely "marriage" level, I'm left bereft. Assuming we separate, I don't expect my relationship to change with my wife. I will continue to care about her, help her when she's in trouble, all of that. But I will also be permitted to find a mate to love, which is something that's fundamentally important to me.

Does that make sense to you?

-Chiaroscuro

[pupsbabygirl]

oh well, i juz think.. asexual n sexual person shudnt date each other coz .. its hurt both of them.. :roll:

its same lyk two ppl who view world differently.. how can they get along?? :roll:

juz my silly opinion~~

[Tool1989]

I believe they can but....they would both have to sacrifice alot for each other. It depends what they are willign to give up to be with eacvh other.