I get horny but I only think about masturbation

[Rose Kelli]

I am a 20 year old female who has been in a relationship for almost two years and is getting married next moth. We have been very sexually active in our relationship. At the start, we would share our fantasies and kinks with eachother but I was always very nervous to have sex as I am a generally anxious person. After having sex, I found that I really liked it but even though the foreplay would get me horny at the beginning, the thought alone of actually having sex doesn't do anything for me. 

 

I get horny pretty often but I never actually want to have sex. When I get horny, I really only want to masturbate (which I do A LOT) and often encourage my fiancee to do it too but he enjoyes actual sex. As such, he asks for it quite often. I don't mind this at all but nine times out of ten, I don't want sex at all. 

 

It's not because I'm not sexually attracted to him or because I don't enjoy sex. I like sex, I like the way it feels and I like being close to him but when he asks me, I have to take a few minutes to really think if I want it or not. I often say yes even though I'm not horny because it always feels nice (especially when we are getting kinky) but even throughout sex, I never feel horny just the pleasure from sex. He always respects my choices when I say no but it just leaves me so confused. 

 

I have heard of "autosexuality" but I don't think that really describes me because I still feel strong sexual attraction to my fiancee and actively get horny/flustered when he teases or messes with me but when it comes to the actual act of sex my mind just flips off. And I don't think a low libido describes me either because I used to read erotica and still heavily fantasize about sex very often. 

 

If anyone can help me understand this that would be awesome. I've been wondering about this for months now and I'm just so confused. I really don't care what the outcome of this is, I just want to be out of the dark. If I am asexual in anyway, cool, if im not, cool. I just want to know why I feel this way. 

[alto]

Well, have you looked into demisexual or gray-A?

 

I'm sorry I can't give you definitive answers, this is a hard one even for me lol

[Hurta]

Hello! 
So I’m not expert, not by far, but what you’ve described seems to me like it may fall into the grey-ace area or just sex aversion, maybe. I’m not an expert in this arena because I am deeply ace, but you want to start looking around that area. 
 

And I know you’re looking for answers, but remember self-discovery is a journey and we are ever-changing creatures, so try to enjoy the process of finding yourself

[MarRister]

You might be sexual, but just not really desire stereotypical sex. That is fine, sexuality is very diverse. Maybe think more about the 1/10 times that you have wanted sex, and what was different, or what you were feeling, etc. Is there anything you can pinpoint that puts you off sex? Like are you stressed or anxious, or maybe just not feeling super good about your body or maybe your fiancee is doing something that just isn't working for you, and turns you off, but you don't really realize it. I'd say focus more on what does work, and follow that. 

 

Don't have any great advice, but I think it is good to explore it and be open with your fiancee about how you feel. You might get something out of the book 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski, if you haven't read that before.

 

 

[Ollie.Dew]

Have you ever find about the term 'aegosexual'? It kinda relate your topic: 

aegosexuality (also called autochorissexuality): n. A form of asexuality where a person experiences a disconnect between themselves and a target/object of arousal. That is to say, they may experience arousal in response to erotica/pornography/etc., but with no desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein (i.e. without sexual attraction). Aegosexuals may (or may not) do any of the following.

1. Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activities.

2. Masturbate, but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of having sex with another person.

3. Fantasise about sex, but envision people other than themselves, and/or view it in third person, as though they're watching it on TV, rather than imagining it in first person, through their own eyes.

Predominantly or entirely fantasise about fictional characters or celebrities, rather than people in real life they know.

4. Identify as asexual and feel no sexual attraction to people, but enjoy masturbating, be aroused by sexually explicit content, and/or have sexual fantasies.

 

Basically is this

PS: I got this from reddit.