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Jaide

Split Sexuality? I am so confused right now...

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Jaide

Is there such a thing as split sexuality? I feel that my sexuality is divided down a line. As far as long term relationships go, I consider myself asexual and interested in men. I only form deep emotional relationships with men and I do not want sex to be a part of it, though I do enjoy displays of affection such as holding hands, kissing, cuddling. But... here is a really huge BUT... I do like sex, but with other women. I do not want any emotional ties involved in sex and I do not even like kissing during sex. The ideal relationship for me would be long term with a man that I am in love with, and still get to have sex with women occasionally. I would also be perfectly fine with my mate having sex with men on the side, but I wouldn't want him to be with a woman (please don't ask me why because I truly don't know). Am I normal? Is this a psychological condition or just another variation of sexual orientation? Is there anyone else like me, anyone who would want that type of relationship?

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Dargon

Sounds like you are romantically attracted to men and sexually attracted to women. I will admit you are the first I have heard of like this, but I have met many people who are either romantically attracted to one gender and sexually attracted to both, or romantically attracted to both genders and sexually attracted to one.

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newgirl

I don't understand what's the confusion.Are you bisexual?A person who's attracted too men and women.

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EIito
Sounds like you are romantically attracted to men and sexually attracted to women. I will admit you are the first I have heard of like this.

Funny thing is, I was considering posting a thread about the same thing a while back. That's how I feel precisely, though. I'm not at all emotionally attracted to women like I am to men, but I am far more sexually attracted to women than I am to men. Mostly the attraction is in my head and not so much in practice, so that negates to the point I don't really put much stock in it. good to know I'm not the only one, though, eh?

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littlelisa

It seems perfectly reasonable, though hard to deal with. If love and lust are really two separate things, it makes sense that you should be able to be romantically attracted to one gender and sexually attracted to the other.

Probably very uncommon, but definitely reasonable.

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Dindrane

Jaide, your predicament doesn't seem that odd to me at all --- many bisexual women are the time that are sexually attracted to other women, want to have sex with them, but aren't looking for a long-term romantic relationship with them; they say that the could only have a long-term romantic relationship with a man -- the only difference between you and these women is that you wouldn't want sex with that man, while these women would -- if anything it just seems to me to be stricter divide of what a lot of women feel.

Some addditional thoughts from similarities to my situation:

I am biologically F and uncertain of my sexuality. I am quite easily sexually attracted to women, though I have to know them to be attracted. I have only been sexually attracted to 2 men in my life, and I had to know them as well. I have been physically intimate (though never had sex with) both men and women, and from my experience, women are much, much, much better at it. Also, sadly, the people I've been physically intimate are people I've never been too emotionally close to, and I find that I'm much more comfortable being casually physically intimate with a woman than with a man -- of course, in situations with women, the fact was established early on that it was purely physical, while in situations with men I felt somewhat compelled to fake feelings I really didn' have, which changed the situation a bit, and I think I also have trust issues with men.

I guess for me, the thing is, it's easier for me to trust women, & they're better at physical intimacy (in my experience), while men aren't that good and also tend to be extraordinarily emotionally needy and hasty which I don't much care for.

But, I'm still learning and growing, and maybe some experience will come along to break those stereotypes.

I guess this ramble is just me saying that I don't find your situation odd at all.

Dindrane

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Face

Jaide, your situation is interesting and helps to show the differences between sexual and romantic attraction.

The only part I didn't understand was

I would also be perfectly fine with my mate having sex with men on the side, but I wouldn't want him to be with a woman

When you say "my mate" are you refering to your long term male non-sexual partner or the sexual female partner? It seems that the "him" in the latter part of that sentence is refering to the same person.

Would you mind your long term male partner having sex with the same sexual female partners as you? If not then you might have an interesting relationship with you and him never having sex but seeking out women to both have sex with.

I can see it as a tv series already :)

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firebird8

I've had similar feelings, though I don't know if I would actually want sex with either men or women - I often picture my future as a romantic cuddly type relationship with a guy and but I often find myself appreciating female beauty...though it rarely goes further than that.

Also, my male gay oversexed best friend I think has somewhat split attractions. He does have a romantic crush on the guys he's attracted to, but he keeps a long term stable non-physical relationship with me (much longer than the guys); in a way, it's like an asexual hetero relationship because when either of us is happy or sad or bored we always call each other first.

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Jaide

Thank you all so much! I feel like I'm not so abnormal after all.

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kandemose

Like Eliot, I'd had a few passing thoughts about this before. As a romantic asexual, I have a good understanding of the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. Naturally, I wondered if the object of sexual desire automatically determined the object of romantic desire; that is, if I were sexually attracted to only the same sex, would I then have romantic intentions towards that group only? I knew that romantic attraction obviously does not determine sexual attraction, from mine and other AVENites' experience, but evidence was inconclusive otherwise. Now, Jaide's and Eliot's feelings seem to show that romantic and sexual attraction can be independent. Of course, this adds some interesting new categories to the four we usually talk about at AVEN.

Straight: heterosexual; heteroromantic implied.

Gay/Lesbian: homosexual; homoromantic implied.

Bi: bisexual; biromantic implied.

Asexual: asexual, romantic orientation not implied.

5: "split"; heteroromantic and homosexual.

6: "split"; homoromantic and heterosexual.

7: heterosexual, aromantic.

8: homosexual, aromantic.

9: bisexual, aromantic.

Of the two variables, that's all the combinations that I can come up with (all non-sexuals, romantic or not, being lumped in under "asexual"). And of course, let's not forget about the huge variety of attractions that are not necessarily directed at men, women or both (e.g. attraction to androgynes). But even these categories are big stuff to think about. Doesn't society inherently judge people who cannot sustain a romantic relationship with their sex partner as uncaring or cruel? All nine appear to be legitimate sexual orientations, but I can see why people who fall into categories 5-8 (9s in homosexual cases) feel that there is something wrong. They suffer from the opposite application of the principle of romance-sex equivalence that is used to devalue romantic asexuals: instead of being called frigid for not wanting sex, they are called callous for not wanting romance. They are only callous towards society's standards, the same ones that long imprisoned all non-straights.

If a female and male category-7s got together, I would see that as a perfectly valid relationship, fulfilling their sexual attraction without the requirement of romance. "Splits" might have a more difficult time, but, for example, a male category-5 could enter a relationship with a female heteroromantic asexual and a male category-8, as long as exclusivity wasn't an issue. Really, the only problems I see are with society's standards. The definition of a valid relationship has expanded over the last 30 years, but it's still too narrow. People whose romantic orientation does not follow their sexual orientation will probably have a hard road to travel for acceptance; in fact, I think it is much easier for society to accept asexuals. At least asexuality can take advantage of the notion that "chastity" is virtuous. People in 5+ have no such lucky break. I wish them the best, though, and I hope they'll be understood.

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