sex drive?

[Andisa]

A couple questions, I've noticed at least in what I've read on this board that asexual people tend to not have the same physical reaction to orgasm that most sexual people do.

I think I react the same as sexuals, at least some of the time. Sometimes I have a lot of difficulty reaching orgasm, but I think that's my meds. Which is a problem on days where I just feel spontaneously aroused and it just won't go away.

Other than that, I'd say I probably masterbate far more than the average woman - but I don't do it because I'm turned on; I do it because it feels good. It does help stop that annoying urge though - and it is annoying, because although it can be nice it's also distracting. And yeah, it happened to me in the middle of a lecture once for no reason. :x

Here's a question I have about sexuals though: why is it that masterbation isn't enough? I don't understand those guys who masterbate all the time and are still sexually frustated. Doesn't orgasm release that frustration?

[Androgyny]

Here's a question I have about sexuals though: why is it that masterbation isn't enough? I don't understand those guys who masterbate all the time and are still sexually frustated. Doesn't orgasm release that frustration?

Come on guys, I know you're all asexual and don't know a lot about sex..but...this stuff isnt all bioglogical BS. Its about PEOPLE. Its about interacting with another person, feeling them, sharing it with them. Sexuals are attracted to PEOPLE and NOTHING really replaces having sex with them. It isn't just about getting over an "annoying' feeling with an orgasm. It isnt that scientific. It's emotions, too. Touching another human being beats touching yourself. I dont know how else to explain that. That's like a straight person asking a gay person the difference between relieving themselves with someone of the same sex, and someone of a different sex. They both get the job done in the end, don't they?

[Andisa]

Come on guys, I know you're all asexual and don't know a lot about sex..but...this stuff isnt all bioglogical BS. Its about PEOPLE. Its about interacting with another person, feeling them, sharing it with them. Sexuals are attracted to PEOPLE and NOTHING really replaces having sex with them. It isn't just about getting over an "annoying' feeling with an orgasm. It isnt that scientific. It's emotions, too. Touching another human being beats touching yourself. I dont know how else to explain that. That's like a straight person asking a gay person the difference between relieving themselves with someone of the same sex, and someone of a different sex. They both get the job done in the end, don't they?

Hmm. Okay I can understand how it would fit in from an emotional/romantic point of view. But from the point of view of someone who's interested only in sex, I don't get it.

I mean, I understand how they're turned on by the thought of sex with that gender and all. There's things that turn me on too while others don't. If you're thinking about someone who's a turn off, then clearly you're not gonna be able to orgasm. So yeah I get that. But what I don't get is that they're able to have orgasm, but it doesn't work? Why do they remain sexually frustrated when they have no emotional involvement, and they can satisfy the physical urge?

[Androgyny]

Come on guys, I know you're all asexual and don't know a lot about sex..but...this stuff isnt all bioglogical BS. Its about PEOPLE. Its about interacting with another person, feeling them, sharing it with them. Sexuals are attracted to PEOPLE and NOTHING really replaces having sex with them. It isn't just about getting over an "annoying' feeling with an orgasm. It isnt that scientific. It's emotions, too. Touching another human being beats touching yourself. I dont know how else to explain that. That's like a straight person asking a gay person the difference between relieving themselves with someone of the same sex, and someone of a different sex. They both get the job done in the end, don't they?

Hmm. Okay I can understand how it would fit in from an emotional/romantic point of view. But from the point of view of someone who's interested only in sex, I don't get it.

I mean, I understand how they're turned on by the thought of sex with that gender and all. There's things that turn me on too while others don't. If you're thinking about someone who's a turn off, then clearly you're not gonna be able to orgasm. So yeah I get that. But what I don't get is that they're able to have orgasm, but it doesn't work? Why do they remain sexually frustrated when they have no emotional involvement, and they can satisfy the physical urge?

What I'm saying still applies. It doesn't matter if you're emotionally attached or 'love' someone. It's the interaction with another person. People can do other things for you that you can't do for yourself. Try to think for a second like someone who's attracted to people. What guy wants to sit in the bathroom with his hand when he can be with a beautiful girl who can satisfy his lusts, not just his 'body's natural need to orgasm'. Its just not the same. I've never even had sex and I know this.

We complain here all the time about how sexual people don't understand us or believe us, and most people here don't even understand sexuals.

[M51]

I try very hard to understand sexuals and I just don't. And I don't think I ever will. I don't hate them because I don't understand them. I just realize that I do not get what they are experiencing.

See, the thing about asexuals is that we DO separate the romantic/people aspect from the biological aspect. In fact, we don't understand how the two concepts fit together at all. For us, the biological stuff is totally isolated, so we do not understand why sexual activity is different with another person than it is just taking care of yourself.

Many asexuals love interacting with another person, feeling them, and sharing with them. We just don't get how inserting a penis into a vagina contributes to this interaction.

The concept of sex being about emotions is as foreign to us as the suggestion that eating meat is all about being a good video game player. Did you just read that and think, "HUH?"??? Yeah, exactly how we feel. Insert penis into vagina is related to emotions...how?

The question was why a sexual cannot satisfy a physiological urge by hirself instead of with another person. The answer is that the sexual uses sex to satisfy emotional needs as well as just physiological needs. So yes, a sexual could rub one off on a regular basis to maintain sexual health, but zhe would still feel the psychological urge for sex because to the sexual, sex satisfies a plethora of needs not related to the stark solitary arousal that asexuals sometimes experience.

Note that when I say emotional needs I am not necessarily talking about love. Sexuals use sex to satisfy the need to feel desirable, the need for status, the need to feel normal, etc.

And for the record I don't really understand why a lesbian could not satisfy her purely PHYSIOLOGICAL need with a man, or whatever combination of mismatched sexual preferences. It is just something I accept that I don't understand. I mean, horny sexuals get off on vacuum cleaners and cucumbers, why could they not get off on a handy penis or vagina, even if it is not the preferred "tool"?

Okay yes, I am being a bit flippant. But the point is that I don't think I will ever understand why sexuals need another human being, let alone a specific flavor of another human being, to satisfy their carnal "needs". That's like saying someone who is starving will settle for nothing less than a gourmet meal...no, if the need is bad enough then the starving person will eat just about anything, and anything further than that is simply being picky.

I don't understand it; I just accept it as a true and valid experience for sexuals that I do not get.

[LeauPar]

Perhaps nobody really understands, it's just nature. But we question it because we don't experience it and sexuals take it all for granted because it's so natural for them.

[mdw]

Here's a question I have about sexuals though: why is it that masterbation isn't enough? I don't understand those guys who masterbate all the time and are still sexually frustated. Doesn't orgasm release that frustration?

The only response I have to that is that sex isn't just about orgasm. It's about all the stuff that I see most people here on AVEN are unable to associate with sex, a feeling of closeness, emotional connectedness, complete and total trust in someone else and their complete and total trust in you. Even I can't understand people who just look for ways to get their rocks off. I can separate the physical from the emotional (as in I don't need a lot of physical ... 'stuff' from someone I'm emotionally/romantically attracted to, hugs, cuddles, kisses, holding hands, knowing that they care about me the way I care about them), but I can't separate the emotional from the physical (I can't just jump into bed with... anyone). Basically I can have love without sex, but I couldn't have sex without love.

I have no clue if that made ANY sense at all.

[BunnyK.]

Just physically speaking, masturbation compared to sex is like giving yourself a massage vs. having someone else give you one - sure, it'll get the job done under most circumstances, but it's a lot nicer and more effective to have someone else do it for you. I think it has something to do with the fact that you can't surprise yourself; it just doesn't feel the same when your body knows what the next move will be.

Aside from that, like M51 said, sex fulfills a lot of emotional needs as well as just the physical ones.

[zachcarlson]

I sometimes masturbate when I am really bored, I rarely do it and its no fun. The only point I see in masturbating is making myself feel good, I dont need a sexual partner for that.

[Androgyny]

I sometimes masturbate when I am really bored, I rarely do it and its no fun. The only point I see in masturbating is making myself feel good, I dont need a sexual partner for that.

Wait..explain how it's no fun if it feels good?

[Andisa]

And for the record I don't really understand why a lesbian could not satisfy her purely PHYSIOLOGICAL need with a man, or whatever combination of mismatched sexual preferences. It is just something I accept that I don't understand. I mean, horny sexuals get off on vacuum cleaners and cucumbers, why could they not get off on a handy penis or vagina, even if it is not the preferred "tool"?

But the funny thing is that I've heard of this happening with guys. Straight guys who are so desperate they let gay men give them oral sex. And of course, all those ideas about what goes on in prisons. Also there's those men that will pay to have sex with ugly, STD-ridden, heroin-addicted prostitutes.

I guess that's what prompted me to ask my question. Because I've known guys like this, and I'd heard of it so many times. I could understand it if they were unable to masterbate or something, but that's not the case.

I think I have a better understanding of sex in a romantic context. I don't feel that way, but I've read about it enough to understand that the way they feel about sex is similar to how I feel about, say, wanting to hug my boyfriend. And I can understand that if they see a very attractive person, they'd want to have sex with them. But I'm just so confused by those desperate men, the ones who go to crazy lengths.

[LonePiper]

Btw, how can you have sex drive and arousal separately? Isn't it the same thing?

Erm... not the way I understand it. By my understanding sex drive is the ability to become aroused. Arousal is the product of sex drive.

[xBlackxRainx]

And for the record I don't really understand why a lesbian could not satisfy her purely PHYSIOLOGICAL need with a man, or whatever combination of mismatched sexual preferences. It is just something I accept that I don't understand. I mean, horny sexuals get off on vacuum cleaners and cucumbers, why could they not get off on a handy penis or vagina, even if it is not the preferred "tool"?

!? Vacuu-....and cucumb-........?!?! How....why....what? Excuse me while I fetch a bucket to regurgitate my stomach :?

[ZGDK]

I have a sex drive' date=' but it's not really directed at anyone -- it's just a physical urge. And I don't want to have sex with people (or blow-up dolls or animals, for that matter.) So that's why I say I'm asexual.

Also, there's the whole matter that having a sex drive feels physically wrong to me, which I've ranted about enough here.[/quote']

ah, so the feeling itself isnt FOR anything. That makes more sense. What do you feel triggers it then? The feeling doesnt signal to you that something needs to be satisfied? I'm sure you get questioned on this all the time, I'm asexual so I know how nobody understand any thing we say...but I'm asexual for different reasons, so I'm curious of your reasons. Hope I dont offend.

The feeling just feels annoying or distracting. It doesn't especially signal anything, though eventually one discovers that masturbation makes it go away for a while, so I guess you could say it's one's body saying it wants to be masturbated. The important thing, at least from my point of view is that (a) it doesn't signal anything having to do with anyone else and (B) that it's not a pleasant feeling but an annoyance--my understanding is that sexuals find it pleasurable and seek it out, and that in general, they see it as a signal to do something with someone--they feel attracted to someone and aroused by that person, while I just feel aroused and wish it would go away, but if someone asked to help me make it go away, it would be like someone asking to help me go to the bathroom.

Does that help?

Do "tingling" and "throbbing" mean pounding like heart pounding? I can't imagine them...

I agree with you, I hate to masturbate, but my brain forces me too. I feel like I have no free will.

[Inkey Pinkies]

In reply to m51's last post, most sexuals certainly don't understand themselves, let alone anyone who falls even a little outside of the box marked normal. I have spent a long time (years) listening to what sexuals say and think about themselves and sex and most of them have never, ever asked the question 'why am i like this?'

There are a few sexuals who do as you say ' separate the romantic/people aspect from the biological aspect.' but we are a very small minority ( I suspect even less common than asexuals, we dont even have a web site as far as i know!)

Sex can be entwined with emotions but for me and some others it is as you so sucsinctly put it; like the idea that eating is all about being a good video game player.

As to the question; ' why a sexual cannot satisfy a physiological urge by hirself instead of with another person.' The answer is not just 'that the sexual uses sex to satisfy emotional needs as well as just physiological needs.' it's more complicated than that.

A sexual could 'rub one off on a regular basis to maintain sexual health', but most sexuals have been brought up with the strange idea that sex is meant to be something special that you only do with the one you love.

i don't feel that this is the natural state of things, it is the moral boundary imposed on us by society for social puposes.

I think that the underlying need for most sexuals is purely biological, ie the drive to reproduce, ask most sexuals why they have children and they honestly don't know. I find this quite shocking. Society has developed rituals of behavior to cover up the base need to go f*** someone, get pregnant/get someone else pregnant and thereby perpetuate that which we hold most dear, ourselves.

As for M51's remark about 'why a lesbian could not satisfy her purely PHYSIOLOGICAL need with a man, or whatever combination of mismatched sexual preferences' and 'horny sexuals getting off on vacuum cleaners and cucumbers', Well alot of Bisexuals find them selves in this (some would say delightful) position and don't have a problem with it but do find themselves distressingly shunned by both the gay and straight sections of society, who generally see them as liars about there own sexuality. We are certainly misunderstood by most and hated by a few.

Being from the other end of the unisexualverse I hope I can shed some light on what goes on in the parts that are in shaddow for some of you but as I am a newcomer here I shall take my time to get to know it a little better for fear of offending regulars.

For a little more info on where I'm coming from see my profile.

[Androgyny]

I have a sex drive' date=' but it's not really directed at anyone -- it's just a physical urge. And I don't want to have sex with people (or blow-up dolls or animals, for that matter.) So that's why I say I'm asexual.

Also, there's the whole matter that having a sex drive feels physically wrong to me, which I've ranted about enough here.[/quote']

ah, so the feeling itself isnt FOR anything. That makes more sense. What do you feel triggers it then? The feeling doesnt signal to you that something needs to be satisfied? I'm sure you get questioned on this all the time, I'm asexual so I know how nobody understand any thing we say...but I'm asexual for different reasons, so I'm curious of your reasons. Hope I dont offend.

The feeling just feels annoying or distracting. It doesn't especially signal anything, though eventually one discovers that masturbation makes it go away for a while, so I guess you could say it's one's body saying it wants to be masturbated. The important thing, at least from my point of view is that (a) it doesn't signal anything having to do with anyone else and (B) that it's not a pleasant feeling but an annoyance--my understanding is that sexuals find it pleasurable and seek it out, and that in general, they see it as a signal to do something with someone--they feel attracted to someone and aroused by that person, while I just feel aroused and wish it would go away, but if someone asked to help me make it go away, it would be like someone asking to help me go to the bathroom.

Does that help?

Yeah. I guess i could understand how it could be annoying. I never really had a sex drive until like, a year ago where it would just go off like crazy for this one person. It was very very distracting but I enjoyed the way it felt, also, i didnt have to do ANYTHING at all to make it go away. I refuse to masturabate, or have sex, it just went away on it own after a while.

[isillote]

I was also brought up to believe that sex is something special thatyou do only with the one you love.

The trouble I had was that when I fell in love I still didn't want to have sex with that person. I had no drive to do it. M51 put it well (as usual) but for me penis+vagina= something at worst very uncomfortable, and at best briefly pleasurable, but really not particularly worth bothering about, and definitely not worth all the foreplay that expert sexual lovers employ to bring you to fever pitch, which do nothing for me.

Having no wish to have sex made me wonder whether I really was in love, as you're supposed to want to do it with them!

OK, now I'm in love, I'm sure of that, and I feel warm and squidgy cuddling with him, walking hand in hand, sharing special moments, and most of all, not feeling as though I've got to pay back by enduring hours of sex, which I don't equate with love in any way, shape or form.

I have never had much sex drive, now I think I can say I have none at all, and probably what I mistook for sex drive when younger was really a desire to key in somehow to what all the fuss was about and conform.

I think a lot of asexuals can separate the romantic from the biological, as in they don't have any urge for the biological side of things at all, just as many sexuals can just go for the biological, get pleasure out of sharing physical desire and sexual fulfilment with a partner and feel no need for romantic involvement. I understand this intellectually, but not emotionally.

What I don't understand, which a few of you have said, is why any of you masturbate if you don't find it a pleasurable activity. Can anyone explain this? I'm really confused!

[Inkey Pinkies]

i dont get that either

[ratatosk_lemur]

A couple questions, I've noticed at least in what I've read on this board that asexual people tend to not have the same physical reaction to orgasm that most sexual people do. It's often described as in your words "annoying at best and unpleasant at worst". Sure on a basic muscular level the reaction seems the same, but there doesn't seem to be any of the actual pleasure that sexuals feel. Maybe that's a mistaken impression I've gotten but that's how it seems.

Also, if you knew an orgasm wasn't going to be enjoyable why would you bother pushing through until orgasm? Is it just like scratching an itch? You do it so that the itch goes away?

My experience has definitely been that orgasm is somewhat unpleasant, but it's worth it to push through so that the "itch goes away" so to speak. I'm curious whether that is an effect of male physiology, though--does having an orgasm make the urge go away for females as well? If not, why push through to it?

[ratatosk_lemur]

Yeah. I guess i could understand how it could be annoying. I never really had a sex drive until like, a year ago where it would just go off like crazy for this one person. It was very very distracting but I enjoyed the way it felt, also, i didnt have to do ANYTHING at all to make it go away. I refuse to masturabate, or have sex, it just went away on it own after a while.

For me it will initially go away after 15 minutes or so, but the longer it's been since I've had an orgasm the larger the percentage of the time I seem to be aroused and the harder it is to get it to go away, until I just get fed up with it and masturbate to reset the cycle. On the occasions where I've gone the month or so that it takes for not masturbating to give me a nighttime emission, that works too, but it usually gets annoying enough that I rest before then.

[Dove]

I try very hard to understand sexuals and I just don't. And I don't think I ever will. I don't hate them because I don't understand them. I just realize that I do not get what they are experiencing.

Same here. I've had friends sometimes feel that I'm judging them for having a sex drive, and I'm just not. I try to explain to them that I'm not judging them. I simply don't understand them. I can't relate to their feelings.

When people talk about being "turned on," I've no idea what they're talking about. I've never felt such a thing.

I've certainly been in love. The emotions can be so strong, that I can't contain them, and they can bring me to tears. But I don't have any physical attraction to the person. I want to be near them, talk to them, maybe even hug them. But that's it. But I hate being in love, because I've always felt there was no point, and that it was never going to go anywhere.

The last time I was in love was about 9 years ago. I'd been in love with this guy for about 6 years and we were good friends. I almost had myself convinced that I could be physical with him. I fantasized about him kissing me. One day, we'd had a nice conversation and he did go to give me a quick peck on the lips. I was so uncomfortable, that I turned my head and he got my cheek. I was really confused because I thought, "I love this guy so much. I've always been so comfortable with him." And yet, the reality was that I was absolutely uncomfortable with the idea of him coming at me to kiss me. After that experience, I never wanted to fall in love again, and I'm glad I haven't. It's simply too complicated.

The way that I describe myself is this. Before puberty, you go through this stage where you might have a crush on someone and you can't stop staring at them. You don't actually want to touch them or anything. You just like to be near them and stare at them because for some reason, it feels good to be in their presence. For me, that's how it still is. Although I know not to stare at people now. LOL But I just never outgrew that pre-pubescent stage. As an adult, the emotions are much deeper now though. But I waited for puberty to his, and it simply never came. Sometimes I feel like a 12-year-old trapped in an adult body.

[andrew_w]

Btw, how can you have sex drive and arousal separately? Isn't it the same thing?

Erm... not the way I understand it. By my understanding sex drive is the ability to become aroused. Arousal is the product of sex drive.

It is possible (although probably rather rare) to experience arousal without drive. I can be aroused by my fetish, but don't ever feel any sort of "need" for orgasm. When I am experiencing fetishistic attraction, I sort of feel a desire for "release" by staying in a state of arousal for a while (typically by fantasizing), but I don't think that it is the same thing as drive, because it doesn't appear spontaneously and isn't a desire for orgasm.

[Mad Larkin]

I have never had a sex drive either not even when i was married, i loved my wife very much,we had sex very rarely,but it was always instigated by her and i would only able to get erection by direct stimulation and it always seemed to take a longe time,i guess coz my mind was elsewhere as i did not want to be doing it,i now know i wasonly having sex because it was society deemed normal and i had yet to accept the fact i was asexual at this point in time. I realise that my connection to my now ex-wife was purely emotional and romantic,to this day i still have no sex drive and absoloutley no desire to have sex,i understand that pepole do it just don't get the why

[............]

Yuk.. SO glad I am a girl with no wet dreams and no sudden sex drive! Must be so annoying if you get it in class or something :lol:

Actually, I think wet dreams and the like are independant of a person's gender/sex.

This is separate and I don't have a source for this, but I heard somewhere that humans tend to experience sexual arousal, though not always connected with sexual thoughts, while they sleep, corresponding with REM or something? I may be wrong, but, at any rate, I think whether or not someone has a 'sex drive' probably depends on the degree of genital sensitivity and awareness; arousal isn't strictly limited to the genitals or even anything associated with sex, so if a person is just more aware of other aspects than of 'sexual arousal', it would probably be easy to overlook their sex drive.

For instance, I typically experience moments of 'arousal' where I can think unusually clearly for a brief period of time.

[ghostgurl]

I know I have a sex drive because I have the need to masturbate. I don't find it annoying either. It's very nice once I get enough pleasure from it.

[Mad Larkin]

I am completely indifferent to masturbation,i feel no need to do it,while i understand that others may find it pleasurable but it is not a thing i am wanting to do on a personal level