is my partner Asexual? :-S

[taylor223]

hi im not sure this is the right forum to post this in but i kinda need some help on this issue!!

ive been with my partner nearly 6 years im 24 and he is 27 now.

and basically his never been intersted in sex, anything sexual at all, he finds no one attractive & never mastubates! he says he must be weird as he has no ugres what so ever and never has done!

his had lots of tests but all came but normal, he doenst really like, or doesnt care about me touching him, we can go 6 months/year without him trying to kiss me/touch me!

if i make a joke about sex, or somethings on tv, he gets angry?

ive also heard every excuse in the book not to 'do it'! he has a headache, backache, tired, sometimes he gets stomach aches just as i mention sex and runs off for hours!

i mean ive been kissing him & his blurted out that his worried about his nan/mum and obv that stops me kissing him!

he wont talk about it, all he says is he has no urges and no sex drive!

when i first met him i waited 6 months to have sex until we were in love, i had had 1 pervious partner & he had slept with one girl 2 times, he had lots of girls chasing after him, but he never did anything about it as he finds no one good looking! he says i am, but i always remeber when i meet him he said that i was 'company' for him, i always had to make the first move aswell.

he bascially works comes home i cook dinner then we watch tv n he goes to sleep by 9!!

i do try and 'spice' things up but he always seems & looks so uncomfortable! also with sex, he never cums! he can go on forever and ever! soemtimes he does cum, but 99% of the time he doesnt, or cant.

i remember seeing a programme, or reading about asexual & i brought it up today & he was quite open about it & he said 'yes maybe i am asexual then'

i think it was the first honest answer his ever give me!

ive also said about kids, obv if we dont have sex.......how can we have them?! and he jokling said 'sperm donor'!!!

my sex drive used to be so high but now i dont have one, i do feel quite unloved i try my hardest to understand and i used to push him but ive learnt not to now, i have endometriosis myself and sex is now quite painful & i think he is releaved that i dont go on about doing it every second!

other than this his the perfect guy, im jsut a bit confused and wondered if anyone had some thoughts or views, thanks very much :oops:

[mindlife]

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about love. I'm sorry you feel unloved. I hope that somehow, you can find some relational ground that reassures you and respects his integrity.

[thylacine]

Well... yeah, maybe he's asexual... but don't feel unloved, okay? Asexuals aren't really interested in having sex with other people, but that doesn't mean they "don't love them." Remember, if someone doesn't want sex, it's "not about you."

[cijay]

Well... yeah, maybe he's asexual... but don't feel unloved, okay? Asexuals aren't really interested in having sex with other people, but that doesn't mean they "don't love them." Remember, if someone doesn't want sex, it's "not about you."

And to add to this, taylor, think of all of the people you love to death who you don't want to have sex with. Love without sex is very possible. I'm not saying you guys don't have to discuss things and make decisions that will affect both of you, but if you question his love for you, think about the vast difference between sex and love.

[jaybird721]

Sexual/asexual relationships are difficult to make work, and communication is absolutely essential to making a functional relationship. You should both be able to talk openly about your relationship, in terms of sex, and in terms of all the nonsexual things you do. After all, asexual people do tend to express love in ways that aren't usually interpreted as such [read: not with sex or even necessarily physical contact].

There have been a number of threads about how asexuals and sexuals express love in different ways, which can lead to either or both partners feeling unloved because they aren't trying to communicate love in the same way [imagine if instead of saying 'I love you' a partner said 'I like your clothes today' or did the dishes every night - you could easily feel very unloved if you didn't interpret these as displays of love, while your partner would think that you had been shown a lot of love]. Talking with him about how each of you expresses love and learning to interpret one another's expressions of love should help you feel less rejected and more cared about. I'd also suggest talking to some of the sexuals in sexual/asexual relationships; they'll be able to relate most to your situation.

Good luck with everything.

[taylor223]

hmmmm ive never really thought about it that way, and that does make sense!!!

he does say everyday, a few times a day 'i love you' and that he never wants to leave me and does want to be with me forever etc, since ive been ill his looked after me as i cant work right now, so i guess its more than most guys would do, seeing as i prob wont work again, not for some years anyway.

he does like to hold my hand & cuddle me and kiss me on the forhead!

maybe ill get him to look at this site, or do you have any good web pages with everything lined out about asexual? can you give me a link to the best page & the best way of describing it please??

if its too long he wont read it, esp if i tell him what it is about, i dont want him to get annoyed about it, i just want to understand it, if that is him i will totally back him up, i just wish hed open up a bit more like he did when i said about being a asexual, and he was like 'maybe i am?'

thanks for everyones help *hUgs* :)

[jaybird721]

I would suggest showing him maybe the AVEN FAQ and this thread, which has some good discussion of the different ways that sexuals and asexuals express affection. Maybe you two could go over them together and see how he feels about the things being said in both - if he identifies with them, great, and if he doesn't he can explain what he thinks differently about, and either way you'll both have a better understanding of the situation, right?

edit: just making the link more obvious 8)

[isillote]

Good luck - I'm an asexual female in a long term relationship with a sexual male. We've had our problems, but now he understands that I express my love in words and deeds, rather than sex. He goes elsewhere for sex and it works very well between us.

Having said that, I found it very difficult to talk about my lack of sex drive. There's so much pressure on everyone to be sex mad in today's world. Nearly everything, from advertising to jokes and songs seem to be about sex in some way.

As he's a man, and supposed to think about sex every twenty seconds or so, he may well feel quite insecure, and be worried that you'll think he's not a 'real' man. I know I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me and feeling out of touch with the world. That made me feel quilty when I was in relationships and I dealt with it a bit like your partner seems to be doing, with thousands of excuses why I couldn't have sex etc, and just hoped the subject would go away.

This website has helped me more than I can say. Just knowing that there's loads of us out there has made me feel more normal, and my boyfriend and I have talked a lot more openly about sex since. I hope you find the same thing happens with you.

You both sound like a great couple, I hope it works out for you.

[zachcarlson]

Good luck, just give him the faq page here, as listed above. From what you have said he sounds like he is an asexual, I know because I am a guy, I am supposed to want to have sex all the time, but thats never the case. I usually get jeered by people for it, but its more annoying than anything. Just don't force anything on him, you don't want him to get uncomfortable.

[Livet]

Since the terms and extents of asexuallity are kind of vague he may or may not feel an affinity to the term or the site but it doesn't mean that he is or isn't asexualish. Everybody I think registers on a different level of sexuallity with some people placing sex higher on their list of values than others and some excluding it entirely. I imagine even some people who consider themselves sexual have moments where they think " I'm not quite into THAT." when they meet someone whose sexual fuffillment registers higher on the scale. Imagine you are someone who is into having sex only a couple of times a week and you start going out with someone who wants it daily. Makes you feel a bit like an object but that is one person's expression of affection... when you're on the flipside of that relationship I again can only speculate but you feel like the other person isn't interested because they aren't matching your enthusiasm for sex... Kinda what you're feeling. It's just a miscommunication of values, not the level of affection or attraction in question.

Asexual or not I think some level of this is happening between you. Open the diologue and I'll bet you good money you can sort things out so no panicing looking for the instant fix all kay?