I hate being demisexual

[RoseGoesToYale]

I hate that I can't look at a handsome man and instantly want to bang him. I hate that my dating pool is pretty much zero. I can't date sexuals because I'd have to tell them "Hey, so I'm not sexually attracted to you at all, and there's a chance that I may never be, but if you stick around long enough and we get to know each other, I maybe might feel it." I can't date asexuals, because what if I develop sexual attraction? I can't date other demis (where even are they, lol?) because there's only a 25% chance we'll each wind up mutually sexually attracted and a 50% chance of lopsided attraction. Dating's not really an issue though, because where the hell am I going to find a man who's okay with me being a childfree, atheist, socialist, walking pile of emasculation who's equally competent with home repair and computers as she is with clothes and cooking and who isn't gonna judge all the weird shit I do and who I also share mutual interests with and I happen to be romantically attracted to? All the guys I've ever been romantically attracted to wouldn't date me if I was the last female on earth. I've never been on a date and I have no desire to start now because I don't have the mental energy anymore and it all sounds like big giant stress.

 

But what really gets me is not being able to just have casual sex like it's nothing. I've been touch starved for over a decade, and one easy way to placate it is with sex. But the idea of having sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to is utterly repulsive to me. Recently I've been seriously considering paying a male escort or something to just cuddle me for an hour every week (it wouldn't be any more expensive than going to therapy, and hell, it might even be cheaper) because it would be illegal for sex to happen under those circumstances. But I wouldn't even know where to find one! The internet just seems sketchy as fuck. There are no male professional cuddlers in my state, I checked.

 

I'm just so fucking sick of this. I'm so sick of feeling alone. I'm so sick of feeling like the universe is laughing at me for just failing over and over and over again. I just look at the news and see thousands of thoroughly undatable, messed up, petty celebrities who are in relationships. They have someone who'll hug them every night if they want. And I'll just always have no one. I'm 26. I'm starting to regret not going out with guys in high school who liked me but I didn't reciprocate, because then at least I'd have a few exes to my name and maybe, maybe, have staved off what I see as the inevitable loneliness-caused multiple chronic diseases that I know I will eventually develop.

[argar]

Hmm,

 

Yeah.

 

Being in the middle of things does suck sometimes.

 

I have pretty much felt everything you are feeling at one time or another.

 

And sometimes I still feel that way.

 

I wish I had some words of comfort.

 

All I can say is that some days are better than others. 

 

Have the best night possible. 

 

 

[Guest]

53 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

I hate that I can't look at a handsome man and instantly want to bang him.

Saaaaaame.

 

Even once I'm attracted to someone (even when I want them badly like say a celebrity who is acting as a character I love or whatever) I still can't LOOK at them and instantly want to bang them, no matter how sexually appealing they are to me. Life would be so much easier if I could easily want to bang people though - like I know even if I fall in love with a real person there will probably still be a lot of sexual disparity due to how sporadic and unpredictable my sexual arousal/desire-for-sexual-intimacy patterns are.

 

I'm not demisexual or anything, my body just doesn't work like a typical teen boy body haha. (I mean a lot of adult men and women can want sex based on appearance but it's more typically associated with crazy hormones during puberty)

[Kernel.Panic]

Personally, I try not to attach to much meaning into labels, and go for case by case analysis. There are allos for whom sex isn't the center of relationship gravity and can see things working out in the long run if mutual romantic attraction is there. On the other side, there are sex-neutral/favorable aces who can genuinely enjoy participating in it, even if it does not stem from any inherent desire. That said, I can certainly see why being 'neither here nor there' can totally make the quest for romantic partner seem like a mission impossible. I'm sorry to see you suffering so much from loneliness. Sending robot hugs

[Myssterry]

I can't speak from experience as I am aro/ace as far as I know, but I think instant sexual attraction is not the rule for most people.  You might find someone "attractive" and want to be near them, and the desire for sex with them grows from that.  Most people seem to want a relationship based on friendship and shared interests not just to have sex, but obviously there are others for whom sex is a huge driving force in their lives.  

 

The fact is, that we are all different, and as we go through life we may meet someone who matches us, whatever our individual makeup and needs, whether for a sexual partnership or a close platonic friendship.  I wouldn't stick labels on and say nothing can ever happen or change.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have long been of the opinion that even if demisexuality is close to asexuality - in practical terms, demisexual + sex-averse asexual may be the worst combination. An allosexual partner of a sex-averse asexual could at least function in an open marriage - for example, the couple could arrange that the allosexual partner could have sex with a mutual friend. But it wouldn't work for a demisexual because they are usually only attracted to a single person at one time. And for some sex-averse asexuals even the awareness that someone would like to have sex with them if they could is uncomfortable.

I find it hard to offer practical advice. Maybe try to forget about dating for now and concentrate on friendships? This might be the only practical way of finding a potential partner, the only way which would work for you. In these circumstances at least the other person wouldn't feel impatient, and if you developed attraction, perhaps you would be able to move from friendship to relationship?

However...

I understand that not everyone has to share my views, but really, why is in modern world casual sex considered so obvious that many people feel like they need an excuse for not participating? You couldn't have sex with someone to whom you don't feel close? That's great! No, really, in more general terms I support the idea of "sexual revolution up for revision". Because it has only been beneficial to some - much more to men than to women - and, unfortunately, I find that sex positivity has given "very sexual people" in general another excuse to refuse controlling their sexuality.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Strange as it may sound, while it may not be exactly the same as what youre going through,  I can understand the part about not wanting to bang someome as soon as I see them, or in the long run, as when I was trying to figure out the what the "problem" with me was back when I didnt know about asexuality, I did let the idea that I was broken get to such a place that I was willing to look for a worker girl to, at the very least say to myself (and others, I'll admit it) THERE! I CAN HAVE SEX TOO! 

 

Ive seen plenty of women whom I have considered attractive and for a while that did kind of screw with my head because it was obvious that I could register physical attractiveness, recognise it; but the bridge, as it were,  between "Youre attractive" and "I would like to have sex with you" just doesnt exist for me and I can see how that would be considered a blow to someone if they didnt know about asexuality. And even  then, that doesnt stop it from it being a dissapointment if a person wants to be with you

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

7 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

I hate that I can't look at a handsome man and instantly want to bang him. I hate that my dating pool is pretty much zero. I can't date sexuals because I'd have to tell them "Hey, so I'm not sexually attracted to you at all, and there's a chance that I may never be, but if you stick around long enough and we get to know each other, I maybe might feel it." I can't date asexuals, because what if I develop sexual attraction? I can't date other demis (where even are they, lol?) because there's only a 25% chance we'll each wind up mutually sexually attracted and a 50% chance of lopsided attraction. Dating's not really an issue though, because where the hell am I going to find a man who's okay with me being a childfree, atheist, socialist, walking pile of emasculation who's equally competent with home repair and computers as she is with clothes and cooking and who isn't gonna judge all the weird shit I do and who I also share mutual interests with and I happen to be romantically attracted to? All the guys I've ever been romantically attracted to wouldn't date me if I was the last female on earth. I've never been on a date and I have no desire to start now because I don't have the mental energy anymore and it all sounds like big giant stress.

 

But what really gets me is not being able to just have casual sex like it's nothing. I've been touch starved for over a decade, and one easy way to placate it is with sex. But the idea of having sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to is utterly repulsive to me. Recently I've been seriously considering paying a male escort or something to just cuddle me for an hour every week (it wouldn't be any more expensive than going to therapy, and hell, it might even be cheaper) because it would be illegal for sex to happen under those circumstances. But I wouldn't even know where to find one! The internet just seems sketchy as fuck. There are no male professional cuddlers in my state, I checked.

 

I'm just so fucking sick of this. I'm so sick of feeling alone. I'm so sick of feeling like the universe is laughing at me for just failing over and over and over again. I just look at the news and see thousands of thoroughly undatable, messed up, petty celebrities who are in relationships. They have someone who'll hug them every night if they want. And I'll just always have no one. I'm 26. I'm starting to regret not going out with guys in high school who liked me but I didn't reciprocate, because then at least I'd have a few exes to my name and maybe, maybe, have staved off what I see as the inevitable loneliness-caused multiple chronic diseases that I know I will eventually develop.

If you ever want someone to talk to about demi struggles, feel free to DM me. For what it's worth coming from an internet stranger, you actually sound really likeable based on how you describe yourself. 

[KatDeLacey]

10 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

But what really gets me is not being able to just have casual sex like it's nothing. I've been touch starved for over a decade, and one easy way to placate it is with sex. But the idea of having sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to is utterly repulsive to me.

I hear you. This was very much me at your age, and it sucked. It's gotten somewhat easier as I've adapted my life perspective to being celibate and started focusing more on the sexual pleasure I can achieve solo rather than feeling like a failure for not wanting to jump into bed with someone else. There are a LOT of positives to not having casual sex, especially as a woman. Knowing that doesn't help with feeling touch starved, though. That one hurts bad.

 

10 hours ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

a childfree, atheist, socialist, walking pile of emasculation who's equally competent with home repair and computers as she is with clothes and cooking and who isn't gonna judge all the weird shit I do and who I also share mutual interests with and I happen to be romantically attracted to?

"Walking pile of emasculation" - you sound like my kind of person. High five!

[aafire]

yep, this is the demisexual dilemma, I've definitely felt similar ways multiple times in my life, and it really sucks. I'm sorry its been tough lately. I force myself to go on dates with girls that I have chemistry with but there is never any sexual attraction and nobody wants to hang around long enough for our 'relationship' to get to that point. The touch starved thing is really tough, I'll agree. no easy solution there 😅

But hope springs eternal right? There is always the potential that the next friend you make or person you meet could become that missing connection. 

[rebis]

On 4/24/2022 at 1:07 AM, RoseGoesToYale said:

I hate that I can't look at a handsome man and instantly want to bang him. I hate that my dating pool is pretty much zero. I can't date sexuals because I'd have to tell them "Hey, so I'm not sexually attracted to you at all, and there's a chance that I may never be, but if you stick around long enough and we get to know each other, I maybe might feel it." I can't date asexuals, because what if I develop sexual attraction? I can't date other demis (where even are they, lol?) because there's only a 25% chance we'll each wind up mutually sexually attracted and a 50% chance of lopsided attraction. Dating's not really an issue though, because where the hell am I going to find a man who's okay with me being a childfree, atheist, socialist, walking pile of emasculation who's equally competent with home repair and computers as she is with clothes and cooking and who isn't gonna judge all the weird shit I do and who I also share mutual interests with and I happen to be romantically attracted to? All the guys I've ever been romantically attracted to wouldn't date me if I was the last female on earth. I've never been on a date and I have no desire to start now because I don't have the mental energy anymore and it all sounds like big giant stress.

 

But what really gets me is not being able to just have casual sex like it's nothing. I've been touch starved for over a decade, and one easy way to placate it is with sex. But the idea of having sex with someone I'm not sexually attracted to is utterly repulsive to me. Recently I've been seriously considering paying a male escort or something to just cuddle me for an hour every week (it wouldn't be any more expensive than going to therapy, and hell, it might even be cheaper) because it would be illegal for sex to happen under those circumstances. But I wouldn't even know where to find one! The internet just seems sketchy as fuck. There are no male professional cuddlers in my state, I checked.

 

I'm just so fucking sick of this. I'm so sick of feeling alone. I'm so sick of feeling like the universe is laughing at me for just failing over and over and over again. I just look at the news and see thousands of thoroughly undatable, messed up, petty celebrities who are in relationships. They have someone who'll hug them every night if they want. And I'll just always have no one. I'm 26. I'm starting to regret not going out with guys in high school who liked me but I didn't reciprocate, because then at least I'd have a few exes to my name and maybe, maybe, have staved off what I see as the inevitable loneliness-caused multiple chronic diseases that I know I will eventually develop.

It's really kind of a choose-your-own-adventure, except it's real life.

 

You list all these things you can't do, but in the end, aren't you the one who makes the rules for how you live? You could date sexuals, and tell them how your attraction actually works -- or not tell them, or some combination of the two. You could date asexuals, and if you develop sexual attraction, figure out what to do from there. You can date other demis and see where the chips land. I mean, you're right about it all being a big stress and taking a great deal of mental and emotional energy ... but, if you actually want to do that, there are definitely guys who would be interested.

 

The thing is, you're kind of assuming in all these theoretical circumstances that all of these theoretical people would be better off, happier, without being in a relationship with you. And you don't know that. Imperfect as you may be, you are at least genuine and caring, right? And loneliness and alienation are like universal human conditions. That is, whether a sexual, asexual, or fellow demi like yourself, if there's someone out there who is also touch-starved and wanting companionship ... you know, there are guys who don't want kids, are atheist, socialist, and maybe don't mind a little emasculation here and there.

 

I honestly felt a lot like the way you do, when I was 26. I'd had very little dating/romantic history at that point, and though I wouldn't recognize it as such until much, much later, what experience I did have had actually been traumatic. It did not get better. And I think ... you know, it's definitely oversimplifying, because life is endlessly complicated, but I want to say that I think part of what really bothered me was that people didn't seem to believe me. That, like you, I had not been having casual sex because I really just did not want to. I didn't have any great excuse for it, like Good Christian Values, so it was like -- gender-ambiguous though I have always been, I was nonetheless seen as a reasonably attractive and physically fit young AMAB person ... you know, if you're that and you say you're not dying to sleep with every woman you can all the time, lots of folks tend to think you're lying or just confused.

 

Long tangent to say, I ended up taking what certainly seems to be the road less taken for any aspec folk, because I got sick enough of being unhappy and lonely just because I didn't want to have sex ... so, I just started acting like I wanted to have sex. It works surprisingly well, if you can be bothered. I mean, takes a lot of practice.  And while I was figuring all of this out, I was quite promiscuous and have ultimately done a lot of things I would not have imagined I possibly could, if you'd asked me when I was 26. I mean, I don't think I could have imagined wanting to do a lot of what I have in the last couple decades, because though I again never had any like Christian values or anything about it ... I guess, I did have some kind of a purity mindset about it. I don't know, I can say I know I never wanted to be promiscuous ... so, why did I end up doing that?

 

You know, I think it again goes back to whether you believe the people you may get into a relationship with really are better off not being with you. And, perhaps more importantly -- are you better off alone, or in a perhaps imperfect relationship? I mean, all of my relationships have certainly been imperfect. (Including my current one, current at ... 8 months?) I mean, by some standards, a relationship has to last forever in order to be "perfect", but that is a standard I abandoned long ago.

 

Do I regret the many relationships I've had? No. I mean, most of them were great, at least for some part of it. I did get the hang of the "casual" thing at some point, enough to be able to confidently just say, "I don't want to do that ... anymore." Which is true. I have also had more serious relationships. Some -- okay, at least one -- I'd say, I know we are both better off, are both better people, despite our not remaining a couple indefinitely. Maybe a couple others that were clearly positive, even ending pretty positively. I have also unfortunately had some torturously painful relationships and breakups ... but, in the end, all of these make me the person that I am today. Hopefully a reasonably wise person.

 

What is really kind of interesting to consider, is that I've seen many older asexual folk here who just never "went mainstream" like I did, and if 26 year old me were to ask, do I seem to be happier for having gone on wild sexual adventures, rather than -- in a sense, having stayed more true to myself, by not bothering with all of that? Well, no -- as far as I can tell, I don't seem any happier than any average person here. So, would I have been happier, had I remained more chaste?

 

Doesn't seem like having sex or not really is the deciding factor, to me. Unless, of course, having sex does make you unhappy, in which case you should not do that. I guess, I have been more sex neutral than averse from the start, and I have definitely been socially and politically sex positive, so -- also, kind of lived my beliefs?

 

No doubt it seems I'm rambling, but no! It's what I said at the start! The whole point is that it's a choose-your-own-adventure. So, be excited about that. How does it work out in the end?

 

Well, I will at least hope your next 20 years are less turbulent than mine! 

[rebis]

That is much longer than I'd intended, but I'm longwinded when I'm not paying attention, and I'd been thinking about your post for a while.

 

Just wanted to add though, because I didn't answer my question at the end, about whether I think I would have been happier, without having been all over town for a few years. I already said I don't think I'm happier, necessarily ...

 

I think I do appreciate that I think I feel much less like I have been missing out today, than I did in my early 20s. Like, I hadn't had any desire to go sleeping around, but I did want a partner, I wanted to fall in love and all that, and it just kept not happening. So, today -- am I living happily ever after with my "soul mate"?

 

I don't know, I am in love now, and I have been in love before. I have even been accused of falling in love easily. I don't think that's the case, but my point is that -- for me, I think I had to make sure I really didn't secretly, deep down, just want The Sex more than anything else. And I don't, but I do appreciate all of the many relationshipy things that can go with it, so worth it, in my book.

 

We all write our own story, though. I guess all this to say, I think the point then is to try to enjoy being the author of your adventure -- because nobody is making you live it as you do, as much as you are. Like, you are not the only power in your life, obviously -- but you are the one you have consistent and direct access to.

 

Now I am rambling, apologies! This is why I stay lurked!

[kng.writes]

Oh wow, I feel seen here. Recently, I've really been feeling like I have one foot in the ace community, and the other outside of it. I do experience sexual attraction under the right circumstances, but I also have a pretty heavy ~trauma suitcase~ that makes me pretty disinterested in acting on those desires.

 

If I really wanted to, I could probably have a functional relationship with an allo person. But I'm terrified to date outside the ace community because I know I have a tendency to sacrifice my own boundaries and needs for people when I love them-- especially if I can feel them pulling away. I'm still not used to having a lot of people close to me, and at my core, I'm terrified of losing people I'm close to. Basically, the idea of putting in the effort to build a romantic partnership with somebody just for them to turn around and leave when I'm unwilling or unable to meet their sexual needs is my worst nightmare, and the reason I haven't ever really actively "searched" for a partner on the dating apps. It's also the reason I have a pattern of falling hard and fast for "romantically unavailable people," (e.g. aro-spec people and people with commitment issues)-- as my friend has recently lovingly pointed out to me.

 

Long story short, I constantly worry that I'm asking for too much. A romantic relationship has always been something that I know I've really wanted, but it feels impossible to find the type of person who wants the same level of partnership and commitment that I want, who isn't going to (intentionally or unintentionally) cross my boundaries.

[deaks25]

I'm very much on the learning curve as it was only recently that I was introduced to the concept of the Demi and how it pretty much fits me, but I hope I can offer a little help.

 

I've always found dating very hard because society expects that guys are supposed to want sex, even on the first date, when I've always been the opposite, and to be honest, when I've had one-night stands in the past, they were always something I felt creepy about after and I was much happier just "nope-ing" that completely. There's nothing more destructive than doing something that has a negative effect on you for the sake of it.

 

Obviously we're all different and 'my' Demi might be totally different to to others but the way I look at it is I can be much happier in relationships and dating because I'm more aware of how 'me' works, and it means I can communicate that. Before I understood what a demisexual was, I'd actually cancelled an online-dating account because it was such a negative experience but looking back I can now understand why I was having such a terrible time; I couldn't explain that I did have romantic feelings but wasn't so keen to just jump into bed off the bat. 

 

In the new year, I'm likely to renew that because I feel a lot more confident in being able to explain me. A piece of advice I was given (On here actually) was instead of trying to explain what a demi is (Especially as I'm still learning) is to simply say I'm Ace, or semi-Ace, because society does (sort of) understand what asexual is, or at the very least it's easier to explain and understand.

 

The problem we have as demi's is explaining how we are different to what people think is the 'normal' process of getting into a relationship, when actually it's a HUGE difference.

 

Life is too short for dwelling on regrets, especially if you're like me and have waaay too many as it is. The way I look at it is I am the person I am now because of what has gone before, even the hard times shape us as much as the good times. I understand who I am more now because I understand what a demi is and that applies to me. I'm not sure whether it's something I want to publicise or not as I'm not sure whether I want to label myself yet, but either way it means when I do start looking to get back into dating, I can explain how I feel and what expectations I have much better. 

 

Knowledge is power after all. 

 

 

[pewpew]

I EMPATHIZE WITH ALL YOU SAID! THERE ARE PPL LIKE ME AFTERALL 🤍THANK YOU