Triple Threat Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Who out there among the sexuals have been in a long term relationships with asexuals who initially behaved like sexuals? I would like to hear your ideas of why you think they initially behaved like sexuals. Here are my thoughts (all supposition) on my asexual wife who once behaved as a sexual: She is fiercly competitive. She has a strong drive for children. And while she does not experience much sexual attraction, she is an attractive person who experiences romantic (as opposed to sexual) attraction to men who are attractive. I do not think asexuality worked for her when she was younger. She was attracting men, but not attracting men she was interested in. Sure, there was bound to be an asexual male out there that suited her, but she was having trouble finding him. She needed a handsome companion. She wanted good genes for her children. All of her friends had one. So she decided to change her attitude on sex. Later on, I come along, and the rest is history (I have been married to this woman for nearly 20 years). But she was fooling herself. She could only push herself to be sexual for so long (about 3-4 years). Gradually (after marriage and a mortgage, of course), the sex started to wear on her, and she returned to her natural asexual state. I do not think she intended to bait and switch........she just deluded herself that she was sexual and it caught up with her.......but in the end bait and switch is what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
La_Gioconda Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Who out there among the sexuals have been in a long term relationships with asexuals who initially behaved like sexuals? I would like to hear your ideas of why you think they initially behaved like sexuals. Why are you asking sexuals? Wouldn't it be better to ask asexuals and find out why they did it instead of asking sexuals about why they *think* asexuals did it? (this sentence is a bit unclear but understandable, I hope ) Or maybe you are not interested in the real reason but in the feelings that sexuals had about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Triple Threat Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Who out there among the sexuals have been in a long term relationships with asexuals who initially behaved like sexuals? I would like to hear your ideas of why you think they initially behaved like sexuals. Why are you asking sexuals? Wouldn't it be better to ask asexuals and find out why they did it instead of asking sexuals about why they *think* asexuals did it? (this sentence is a bit unclear but understandable, I hope ) Or maybe you are not interested in the real reason but in the feelings that sexuals had about the situation? Ok, La_Gio, opinions of asexuals who one time acted as sexuals are welcome, too! Link to post Share on other sites
M51 Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Most of your post is absolutely right on. Here are my thoughts as an asexual who has (unfortunately) acted sexual in the early stages of relationships: Disclaimer: these do not apply to all asexuals, all sexuals, or all relationships. 1. Generally at the beginning of a relationship it has been a while since we last had sex, so we don't feel like we've been overexposed to it as much. It is easier to compromise because we have had a good long sexless period of time in which to sort of bolster our sexual tolerance. So it is not as big of a deal to make our partner happy by giving them sex, and of course we have to act like we enjoy it to make it more enjoyable to you. But as time goes by and we don't get that looooong vacation from sex, sex becomes a lot harder to bear. When sex comes up it starts to be tedious..."...again????" 2. New relationships are exciting in many ways, and that is a good distraction that makes the sex part tolerable. I am not saying the SEX is more exciting; I am saying that blossoming emotional and intellectual intimacy make sexual activity tolerable. We are excited and happy about a new person who holds so much promise for happiness, and the fact that we are having sex with this person seems sort of a side note - a small fee to pay for such exhileration. But later on, the excitement of a new relationship fades and we are no longer distracted from the unfortunate fact that we are having sex. Suddenly the sex is laid bare for what it is: sex. It doesn't matter if you try to make the sex more exciting, as sex is never exciting to us. If the relationship - the emotional and intellectual components - is no longer as exhilerating, the sexual price tag becomes more daunting. This doesn't mean you are a bad person or an unexciting person. It is just a fact of life. Relationships are almost always more exciting in the beginning, for sexuals and asexuals alike. It would be utterly exhausting to try to maintain that initial emotional and intellectual excitement. I don't think anyone could do it. But without it, it is a lot harder to distract us from the fact that we don't like sex. Reasons #1 and 2 work together to make sex much more tolerable in the beginning. Our sexual exposure level is low, and so much is going on, and we are so happy and excited, and it doesn't seem so bad so why not make your sexual partner happy.... 3. We are taught from an early age that sexuality is important in finding a partner. We are taught to look good, flirt, and be sexy to attract potential partners. A lot of people simply do not know how to act in a relationship except by acting sexual. So asexuals who desire relationships feel compelled to pursue relationships according to the "standard relationship rules" which demand that they act sexual. As you get more comfortable in a relationship, the "standard relationship rules" of sexiness and flirtation start to fade into new, you-specific rules, and you start to act more like yourself. This is true for both sexuals and asexuals. Unfortunately, for us, "more like ourselves" means "less like sexuals". 4. Asexuality, or low sex drive, is often seen as a reason to be embarrassed. In the beginnings of relationships, people put their best foot forward. When I meet someone new I don't say "Hi, my name is M51 and none of my past relationships have worked out. Wanna go out some time?" Of course, obviously by the fact that I am single, none of my relationships have worked out. But it is just not something I bring up first thing because it is very likely to scare potential mates off. So the asexual may feel like they will lose the partner if they bring their lower/lack of sex drive up right away. It doesn't help that sexuality is such a taboo topic in our culture. Easier just to pretend for a while. And because of reasons #1 and 2, pretending actually seems like a reasonable option at first. The asexual fools hirself into thinking zhe can keep up the charade indefinitely. As you said this is not an intentional bait and switch. It is actually a sign that the asexual cares about you and is interested enough in you that zhe doesn't want to lose you and is willing to make compromises to keep you. Until #1 and #2 wear off and the asexual starts to realize that the "pretend to be sexual" option is not actually sustainable. Hope this all makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
isillote Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Everything M51 said applies to me. What a great way of putting it! The only difference between her and me is that at the beginning of a relationship I do actually feel a bit of arousal when sex is initiated by the other person. I would never initiate it if they didn't, but when they have, it was quite nice. This wears off very quickly though, and the older I have got the less able I am to do it at all. I don't think this is because my sex drive has changed in any way. I think it's just that age has brought the wisdom and confidence to be what I am rather than what society in general expects me to be. Incidentally, TT, I am in a long-term relationship with a sexual man that works very well, and has done for 12 years for both of us. This is because we both make allowances for each other. The sexuality is the only incompatibility between us. We have an eccentric relationship, but a wonderful one. Link to post Share on other sites
La_Gioconda Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Actually, I was waiting for M51 to post here because I knew she would put it much better than I ever could. I agree with everything she said. Link to post Share on other sites
Triple Threat Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Bravo M51. I am blown away. Thanks for your sincere take on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Triple Threat Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Everything M51 said applies to me. What a great way of putting it! The only difference between her and me is that at the beginning of a relationship I do actually feel a bit of arousal when sex is initiated by the other person. I would never initiate it if they didn't, but when they have, it was quite nice. This wears off very quickly though, and the older I have got the less able I am to do it at all. I don't think this is because my sex drive has changed in any way. I think it's just that age has brought the wisdom and confidence to be what I am rather than what society in general expects me to be.Incidentally, TT, I am in a long-term relationship with a sexual man that works very well, and has done for 12 years for both of us. This is because we both make allowances for each other. The sexuality is the only incompatibility between us. We have an eccentric relationship, but a wonderful one. isillote I am happy the two of you have found a solution both can live with. More power to you! No way I can stay with this forever. I have already broken two teeth (grinding at night; one broken through a bite guard). I have a sleep disorder. My focus is not as clear as it used to be. I think my body is telling me something. I am not getting any younger, and I fear more serious health consequences in long term. I have stuck with it this long for the sake of my children. I did not want them to bear the burden of this. In trying to make sense of my marriage, asexuality has been THE most important discovery. Now that I understand who I married, I need to (kindly) help her understand who she is. Then we can stop punishing each other and become lifetime friends and parents, but no longer sexual partners. TT Link to post Share on other sites
isillote Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I really wish you all the very best. I wish more partners of asexuals were as understanding as you are! I hope your wife will find this website a comfort too. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
cijay Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Who out there among the sexuals have been in a long term relationships with asexuals who initially behaved like sexuals? I would like to hear your ideas of why you think they initially behaved like sexuals.Here are my thoughts (all supposition) on my asexual wife who once behaved as a sexual: She is fiercly competitive. She has a strong drive for children. And while she does not experience much sexual attraction, she is an attractive person who experiences romantic (as opposed to sexual) attraction to men who are attractive. I do not think asexuality worked for her when she was younger. She was attracting men, but not attracting men she was interested in. Sure, there was bound to be an asexual male out there that suited her, but she was having trouble finding him. She needed a handsome companion. She wanted good genes for her children. All of her friends had one. So she decided to change her attitude on sex. Later on, I come along, and the rest is history (I have been married to this woman for nearly 20 years). But she was fooling herself. She could only push herself to be sexual for so long (about 3-4 years). Gradually (after marriage and a mortgage, of course), the sex started to wear on her, and she returned to her natural asexual state. I do not think she intended to bait and switch........she just deluded herself that she was sexual and it caught up with her.......but in the end bait and switch is what she did. I haven't read anyone else's answers yet because I don't want it to affect mine. I think you hit the nail on the head about her fooling herself. She fell for the old 'you'll feel like it when you find the right one'. To her, she found the right one and still didn't feel sexual, thought something was wrong with her and decided to play the game. It's a very long lie, marrying someone when you yourself haven't become comfortable with who you are. This is the reason I say that nobody else deserves to know that someone is asexual except for potential partners. It's up to both partner to decide what's going to happen, if it's even worth pursuing a relationship. This is also the reason I'm steering clear of a relationship with a sexual person. I wish you both well. I hope you can come to a decision, even if that decision is to split. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Triple Threat Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 I think you hit the nail on the head about her fooling herself. She fell for the old 'you'll feel like it when you find the right one'. To her, she found the right one and still didn't feel sexual, thought something was wrong with her and decided to play the game. It's a very long lie, marrying someone when you yourself haven't become comfortable with who you are. This is the reason I say that nobody else deserves to know that someone is asexual except for potential partners. It's up to both partner to decide what's going to happen, if it's even worth pursuing a relationship. This is also the reason I'm steering clear of a relationship with a sexual person. I wish you both well. I hope you can come to a decision, even if that decision is to split. Take care Just to keep my story straight......she was behaving sexually before I met her......kind of going through a sexual phase in her life.......our relationship started with a lot of sexual fire, right from the start.........I never imagined sex would ever be a problem with this relationship. You are correct, one needs to understand themselves, and if an asexual is having a relationship with a sexual, then the asexual needs to level with the sexual before the relationship becomes sexual in any way. Sure there are exceptions, but in general I believe sexuals should partner with sexuals, and asexuals should partner with asexuals. TT Link to post Share on other sites
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