I love my boyfriend but I'm not sexually attracted to him?

[EatPotato]

I haven't used this site in ages but this has been causing problems in my relationship for a while and I didn't know where else to ask.

 

As cheesy as it sounds, I really love my boyfriend. Even before we were a couple he was my best friend and we connected instantly, I was able to speak to him really easily which is rare for me. I seriously can't imagine my future without him in it in some way, but the main problem we seem to have is that I'm asexual and he's not.

 

Sex and physical intimacy are important to him in a relationship. Not to the point that he's hypersexual, and I know that sex isn't the only thing he cares about because if it was he would've broken up with me long ago with how unenthusiastic I am and how much I avoid things. I, on the otherhand, just don't experience that kind of attraction. Doing sexual things is boring for me, if not straight up uncomfortable.

 

He knows I'm asexual and it's something I just can't change (and I've tried). He's been patient which I really appreciate but we both know that because physical intimacy is so important to him in a relationship he's just not going to be happy being with me unless something changes. He also struggles a lot with his body image and worries that the reason I'm like this is because he's not attractive enough even though I've assured him this isn't the case.

 

We've explored the idea of an open relationship but in the end he realized he wouldn't be comfortable with it because he just wants to be with me. I don't know what to do, any advice is appreciated.

[Breezer]

Hi, had to reply to this because its so similar to what I just went through. I'm going through a break up and one of the contibuting factors I believe was the fact that I was asexual. I tolerated being intimate through my entire relationship and honestly tried to like it but I got really bored or comfortable through a lot of it. When I started going out with my bf I identified as demisexual but it became really apparent that I wasn't. It really hit him because he also thought I wasn't attracted to him and while he said physical intamacy wasn't everything for him I knew it was important. We came to a somewhat compromise that I was willing to participate at times but had to be spaced out and what I was comfortable with that day. We also did more things that were intimate but not sexual and I always gave him reassurance when he needed it. I'm not gonna lie, it was tough and if the other factors that caused us to break up didn't exist, I honestly can't say that this issue wouldn't have broken us up eventually. However, I've seen so many couples that have made it work, being asexual doesn't automatically mean your relationship won't work out because your partner is not. My advise would be to have more conversations about it, maybe find things that would help him that you are comfotable doing, but make sure your boundaries aren't pushed. Sorry I don't have more specific advise but at least know you're not alone and that even if I and other people couldn't make their realtionships work doesn't mean you can't.

[lostthekey]

I'm in the same situation myself.  It's a hard situation, because one of you has to compromise and it's equally difficult to compromise. 

 

Mine is slightly different, because I'm sex favorable, but my boyfriend is older and instantly heard lack of sexual attraction means no sex.  Basically he compromised to make me happy, but I feel bad and encourage him to get his needs met, but all he wants is for me to be attracted to him.

 

One option is to assert yourself and state your needs.  The other option (out of many) is to have some sexual activity, but from what you are saying this would be torture for you. 

 

It's a difficult situation and I hope this helps rather than harms.

 

 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @EatPotato.

How much have you two talked about your asexuality? It might just be an insecurity causing him to think twice about how you feel, but I hope he can understand that it's just how you are, and for him to know not to expect a or the same kind of sexual relationship as with someone who is sexual.  It's important that you be able to be yourself without forcing yourself.

 

How do you both feel about non-sexual intimacy (physical and other)? Like in my case it's very important, though it can be tricky with someone sexual, and I would say it's probably very helpful to know where you both stand on it in case you could find some things that might add more intimacy you both like to share together.

 

If it just keeps coming back up that he's just not fulfilled, then it may be worth considering that it might not be compatible, unfortunately :/, but that's just something to consider if things really don't seem to be working or more strain keeps coming into the relationship.

 

 

Thoughts that came up, but feel free to share more. Hope it works out one way or another.

[EatPotato]

It was something I forgot to mention in the main post but same here, I initially thought I was demisexual as well and that I'd eventually start to feel sexual attraction to him but obviously that didn't happen ;-;

 

Thanks so much for your response, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's been through something like this

[nanogretchen4]

You say that your boyfriend has been patient, which implies that he is waiting for something. If he is waiting for you to not be asexual, he is waiting for something that is never going to happen, right? Maybe your boyfriend's first choice is for you to magically turn into a sexual person and enthusiastically have sex with him on a regular basis. The fact that you told him that you were demisexual is probably helping to keep false hope alive. I'm not sure how blunt you've been with him that you now realize you are not demisexual but asexual and that won't change, but he needs to stop waiting for a fairy tale in his mind to come true and look at the options that are possible in real life. The options are:

 

1. Have whatever type of sexual interaction you are genuinely okay with, only when you are genuinely okay with doing it. If you are not genuinely okay with having any type of sexual interaction ever, that is fine. You just need to be very clear and honest with him about that.

 

2. He can give celibacy a serious trial and see whether he can make it work for him. Many people find voluntarily committing to refrain from sex for a set number of months easier than hoping for sex and being disappointed, asking for sex and being rejected, and constantly searching for a way to make sex happen. 

 

3. Take another look at an open relationship.

 

4. Go your separate ways and look for more compatible partners.

 

I hope you find the solution that makes both of you as happy as possible in the longterm.

[Guest]

Hi eat potato, 

I think it's tough to know what it is you can and can't stand when there's very little you can refer to.  What you, I encounter in your every day life is sexual people, whether gay, straight, cross gender even pedophiles. Asexuality is invisible it doesn't exist so identifying with it is tough, but real very real.

You don't like sex and you bf does.

It's not his sole purpose in life. 

I like reading but can do without it sometimes. I don't have to read everything but I'd sure miss it if it was banned.

You both sound young and in love.

You have a mismatch on the sexual front. How big a deal is it? I'm thinking quite big if you're writing in. However, you're torn. 

If you are young as I suppose, your future is a long one. Think about what would make you happy, ask your bf what could make him happy. You're close and care for each other. You could be bestest friends, but you've probably already heard that before and thought about it. Since you're the one writing in I'm going to ask if you can try and think about what it would be like if your bf took away something you needed in life to make you feel happy and wanted. Just an idea.

 

 

[nanogretchen4]

Astutusdomina, if by "cross gender" you mean transgender, that is not a sexual orientation. Trans people can have any sexual orientation, including asexuality. Please do not include pedophiles in a list with members of the LGBTQ+ community. It's not at all clear why you needed to bring them up at all.

[uhtred]

I think you  need to have a completely honest (both of you) talk with him about what sex means to each of you, what each of you needs to be HAPPY, not just tolerating. See if there is an overlap that works.

 

Sex means different things do different people - even among those who identify as "sexual".   For some its just a fun thing to do - can live without it, or get it with someone else, whatever.  For others, sex, romance and love are completely tied together, they cannot be happy without all 3.

 

For asexuals there is also a huge range. Some find sex fine, but the prefer to to othter thigns. Some are happy to have sex with the person they love, but don't get anything out of it.  Others consider it a chore, and yet others something truly awful.

 

 

I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for >30 years.  My basic advice is DON'T DO IT.   Its a strain on the relationship that never goes away.   Much as you would like he is unlikely to ever "get over" wanting sex.  Much as he would like, you are unlikely to ever "decide you enjoy it".    The tension will always be there.   You feeling pressured (whether he means to or not), his feeling rejected (even though you don't mean that).   Its poison.

 

Relationships only have value if they make BOTH people happy.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking the relationship  must be saved, not if its not making both of you happy, and reading between the lines I suspect it is no.

 

 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Astutusdomina, if by "cross gender" you mean transgender, that is not a sexual orientation. Trans people can have any sexual orientation, including asexuality. Please do not include pedophiles in a list with members of the LGBTQ+ community. It's not at all clear why you needed to bring them up at all.

The point I'm making and I hope you can help me in making it clear is that any form of sex whether vanilla or deviant is visibile. I understand that gays etc can be asexual but what we see, read, hear is the sexuals or sexuality I.e. any and all forms of sex are visible while asexuality is not. Of course it is on aven but it's a closed circuit. This is why there is false hope. This is why people think there are lies, expectations.

As to pedophiles, a horrible horrible fact, I wonder why this Aven site let's 13 year olds. The German site has an age limit of 26. Much more sensible.

Anyway if you can help me word what I want to say in more encompassing and inclusive wording I'd be grateful.

By the way your advice above sounds very sensible.

Thanks in advance.

[Guest]

Ps as to the term cross gender know I was wrong as it's not a sexual orientation. Had just finished reading this article

Girl meets boy: Cross-gender queer sex and the promise of pornography - Amalia Ziv, 2014

[nanogretchen4]

Possibly this is a translation problem. When you say "cross gender" is it possible that you mean to say "heterosexual", i.e. attracted to the opposite sex and/or gender?

 

Maybe you wanted to say that like other people in the LGBTQ+ community, asexuals go through a coming out process because they do not fit the societal presumption of heterosexuality. Maybe you also wanted to say that asexuality is still not as widely known as gay, lesbian, or bisexual identities, so it can take asexuals longer to discover their identity.

 

Hopefully you did not want to imply the very damaging slander that there is any connection at all between LGBTQ+ identities and nonconsensual or abusive sexual behavior.

 

AVEN is aware that most members of the LGBTQ+ community, and most asexuals whether they identify with the LGBTQ+ community or not, will come out in their teens or early twenties. People need information and community support to help them during their coming out journey. It sounds like you might be saying that in Germany people have to be 26 years old to access an online asexual community. Can that possibly be right? By that time, most people are married. By that time, people have finished college and may have graduate degrees, and gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and pansexuals have hopefully found in person communities. Since the asexual movement is in the early stages of community building, asexuals probably have not been able to find an in person community without help from the internet. That sounds horribly confusing and isolating for German asexuals.

 

I suggest reading AVEN's terms of service, which do not allow discussions about pedophilia because, as you know, people as young as 13 have access to AVEN.

 

 

[Janus the Fox]

Yeah, it is for the best to drop the MAP topic from now onwards based on this clause:-

 

Quote

2.11 Minor attraction and pedophilia topics

AVEN's core mission involves creating a safe space for people to explore asexual spectrum identities, including many people below the age of consent. We are not able to fulfill this mission while also serving as a space for those who experience attraction to minors. While many may agree that minor attracted people who have committed no harm towards minors, and are dedicated to avoiding doing so, should have places to openly discuss their experiences and seek support in dealing with their attraction, AVEN is not equipped to serve as such a place. As such:

 

1) Minor attracted people will be subject to banning from the site.

 

2) No links relating expressly to minor attraction, pedophilia or child sex abusers will be allowed on the AVEN boards.

 

3) No topics may be created that focus on minor attraction, pedophilia or child sex abusers. Topics that are created about other subjects but drift to focus on minor attraction, pedophilia or child sex abusers will be asked by mods to find a different focus. Small mentions of minor attraction, pedophilia or child sex abusers that don't redirect conversations to focus on that subject are still acceptable (for example, providing links to research that might include individuals with a range of sexual experiences, one of those experiences happening to be minor attraction or pedophilia)

 

4) This policy doesn't prevent members from discussing their experiences with child abuse. In such cases, we ask replies focus on support for the member, rather than become a general discussion about pedophilia.

 

5) This policy prohibits members from disclosing that they have intrusive MAP thoughts or posting about the details of such thoughts

 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Possibly this is a translation problem. When you say "cross gender" is it possible that you mean to say "heterosexual", i.e. attracted to the opposite sex and/or gender?

 

Maybe you wanted to say that like other people in the LGBTQ+ community, asexuals go through a coming out process because they do not fit the societal presumption of heterosexuality. Maybe you also wanted to say that asexuality is still not as widely known as gay, lesbian, or bisexual identities, so it can take asexuals longer to discover their identity.

 

Hopefully you did not want to imply the very damaging slander that there is any connection at all between LGBTQ+ identities and nonconsensual or abusive sexual behavior.

 

AVEN is aware that most members of the LGBTQ+ community, and most asexuals whether they identify with the LGBTQ+ community or not, will come out in their teens or early twenties. People need information and community support to help them during their coming out journey. It sounds like you might be saying that in Germany people have to be 26 years old to access an online asexual community. Can that possibly be right? By that time, most people are married. By that time, people have finished college and may have graduate degrees, and gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and pansexuals have hopefully found in person communities. Since the asexual movement is in the early stages of community building, asexuals probably have not been able to find an in person community without help from the internet. That sounds horribly confusing and isolating for German asexuals.

 

I suggest reading AVEN's terms of service, which do not allow discussions about pedophilia because, as you know, people as young as 13 have access to AVEN.

 

 

Hi Nanogretchen4, I think I tried to be very clear.

Very simple. Sex is all around us. Normal or deviant. Amongst straight and non.

We know a lot about sexual preferences.

We no little or nothing about asexuality.

Asexuality is invisible. Not in the media not in the news etc.

The information I have given can be easily looked up.

Please contact the German site if you have problems with their policies.

I did not open a discussion on unethical topics. I have read the terms and I think I have upheld them. No problems with translation but a lot of problems with understanding. Your rewording does not interpret my words or thoughts.

Let's agree to differ.

 

[Nylocke]

This is how my trauma bond ended hilariously enough ... Something about telling an allo that you're not "sexually attracted" to them really does a number on their self worth ironically ...