My mother said Asexuality isnt real

[Anima_Sola_3o4]

Sigh.

My mom and I were having a discussion today. Out of the blue she said 'Are you gay?' (because I'd been talking about going to help my lesbian cousin at the Pride parade and festival with a booth for her company and walk in the parade for her to support her)..... At first I rolled my eyes, then I said 'I thought we talked about this before... I'm ASEXUAL.' She says 'asexual? thats when an animal has both sexes in one and can reproduce on their own...' I said 'yes, technically, but there is another definition for it.... ' and i explained it all... and she said that I'm just gaurded and afraid of men. wtf ever. Then we went down to do laundry, and she said 'I just dont think asexuality is real.' And I said 'well, gee, thanks for invalidating everything i stand for.... this is why i dont tell you things, because you can't handle it.' 'Well, I just don't think it's real. sorry.' I was trying to hard not to cry, while throwing towels in the washer I had to keep from crying. I then made an excuse to come back upstairs and locked my door and now I am crying.

Ya know, I dreaded the conversation for so long, and put it off and put it off and labelled it a 'need-to-know' basis... And we just sort of fell into the conversation... and she totally just dismissed it and crushed me in the process. She has been drinking all day though, so she may not even remember the conversation.

What the hell is so hard for people to understand about asexuality??!? I just don't do the whole relationship and sex thing.... so?!? My mom doesnt either, but she says 'well im just afraid of people, thats why i dont date.' But obviously at one point that wasn't true, because she dated my dad, and had us.

Why do I feel the need to hide who I am? When I go out with friends, and theyre flirting up a storm, and trying to find guys to go home with (dont even get me started...), and I'm sitting off at a table somewhere just trying to enjoy my night out.... but feeling anxiety about if a guy approaches me, that I need to explain to him that I don't date.... and explain the asexuality concept to a dumb drunk guy. I don't go to clubs anymore, because of getting hit on. My myspace page is totally blocked off, no mail, no accepting friend requests I don't know, no unauthorized comments.... because i was consistantly getting messages like 'yo babe, you hott' which i just despise.

I didn't ask to be this way, I don't even really like being asexual, but I don't necessarily have a choice... I can't force something I don't feel. I mean God, they talk about how homosexuals have such a high suicide rate... well wtf... it's harder being an asexual than it is being gay... at least in our sex driven society. Not that I'm suicidal... I'm just feeling intensely anti-social for many reasons. I am getting sick of having my friend beg me to come out with her, then have her completely ignore me all night to go off and flirt with random guys and try to get them to buy her drinks. She totally uses people, which I find disgusting. But, then I step back and look at her family and realize she's been raised that way. And she will find a guy who likes her and who she likes, get in a relationship with them.... then get bored i guess, and cheat on them. Constantly. I mean for gods sake, she works for a couple who own a company, who also happen to be all of our friends and we're all friends and junk.... and she had sex with the guy at least twice! And the girl has no idea... and it kills me to hang out with all of them and for me to know that.... but yet i can't say anything, because i've been friends with her since 2nd grade.... and i dont really want her to hate me forever.... but when is she gonna learn? Unless she gets in trouble one of these times, she's never gonna change. I wish she'd never told me that she slept with him. What's the point? She just put me in a terrible position.

I just dont feel like being a part of this society anymore. I'm not like them. I'm sick of guys looking me up and down with that stupid fucking look in their eyes.... i hate that. I feel gross when they do that. I hate being whistled at. And it's not that I'm all that good looking, cuz I'm not.... but it still happens.

I just dont know what to do. I'm stuck in life in general right now, im having a hard time relating to people, can't even fathom getting a job because i can't handle being judged and criticised, can't go to school for fear of failure.... im apparently pretty depressed, but it seems like more than just depression this time... like there's some social anxiety and paranoia going on that i can't even be in public really. If someone looks at me funny i get all upset... even if they dont mean to do it, like they just happen to be looking at me but thinking about something else and they make a face... ugh. IDK. I need some help I guess. My therapist suggest DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) but I'm even scared to do that.

I just wish there were some more asexual people around here that I could hang out with. Better yet, an asexual club to go to! Wouldn't that be awesome! We could all hang out, even drink, without people getting all stupid and horny and disrespectful! That'd be ace. Thats why I used to hang out at the gay bar all the time, because i felt safer there i guess.

idk. im just never talking to my mother about it ever again. I know that much! Everyone else seems to understand.... well, the ones i've told anyhow.... the rest assume im a lesbian, and honestly.... it just doesnt matter to me what people think.... they can think im a dyke for all i care... it beats having to explain asexuality to all of them.... especially if they're gonna react by saying it's not real (!)

fuck that.

[thylacine]

"What the hell is so hard for people to understand about asexuality??!?"

In my lifetime, I have discovered that the vast majority of people are as thick as concrete and in addition simply cannot think outside the box.

Sad, but true.

[funaladanaly]

I've had a talk with my mom about asexuality, and I think the best way to go about it isn't to say "I'm asexual," but rather describe what it is first, then say what a lot of people tend to call it.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your mom, like at lunch or something, and let her know you just want to take some time to communicate your thoughts. Tell her that at this time in your life, you aren't interested in having sex. This should actually make her happy. Maybe later that'll change, but right now you don't see that happening, and you're okay with that. You don't find anyone appealing sexually, but rather appreciate people for who they are. Some may say you're a late bloomer, and perhaps they're right, or perhaps you won't ever be interested in sex. Either way, you hope that she understands and accepts this about you.

I think if you take time to actually sit down, and explain what asexuality is, your mom won't be so adverse to it. I'm sure she is seeing this as some sort of fad that is going around that you have latched yourself to. You just need to take time to communicate how you feel in a calm, rational matter, rather than than succumbing to frustration and accusing your mom of invalidating everything you stand for. I'm sure if you take time to communicate your thoughts and she takes time to listen, you all will overcome this miscommunicational hump.

[appassionata]

The attitude of I can't imagine it, therefore it doesn't exist is just so arrogant! To these people I'd suggest repeating "who am I to deny something's/someone's existence? I always ask this myself when something seems a little strange to me and at least for me it works.

I wish you all the best to overcome all your problems. I think I can imagine what it feels like as I also used to be a little bit like that. But finally I was lucky enough for the first time in my life to get around people that are open-mined, nonjudgemental and who love me for who I am. This hepled me so much that I started to like people again and my anxiety is almost completely gone now. But depression is something else.

So good luck to you, I'm sure one day you'll feel better too.

[square peg]

I get the impression from that post that depression/anxiety is affecting the way you see events, rather than events causing depression. Maybe it's something chemical. It would be difficult to change any of the circumstances you mention, so you might want to go about changing the way you perceive or think about them. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at all and I'm sure they're real. I just wouldn't want you to think that if all these things stopped being there you'd feel perfect again, because IME depression is rarely mitigated by circumstantial changes in the long-run, except under extreme circumstances.

If I were you I would evaluate my lifestyle for any possible causes for neuro-chemical imbalance. For example, is there any medication you might be reacting aversely to? Do you get enough high-quality, refreshing sleep? Are you exposed to enough sunlight? Is your diet comprised of inorganic food or additives that are linked to anxiety? Do you get enough strenuous exercise? These factors have been shown to be very influential in mild and moderate cases of depression. I also have personal experience that people-related anxiety can lead to depression, largely because even when socialising you don't feel the same necessary benefits of it that most people do, so it might be that if your anxiety goes you'll find yourself feeling more fulfilled. A sense of achievement might contribute to this end too - can you achieve academically from home? Being qualified to start working or go into higher education would give you a realistic, concrete change to aim for to motivate you to defeat the anxiety.

By the way, it doesn't sound like your mum is trying to hurt you or understands that she does, and neither do many of the males who hit on you. I experience the same things, but they don't bother me. I think she's just being honest. A lot of people are insensitive and clueless about others; it's just another oft-amusing flaw common to our highly fallible species.

I hope you manage to turn things around for yourself. :)

[vikingo]

Many human beings have expectations about what their life will bring. Some of what they expect their life will bring will be provided by their children. So when told somehow that their expectations may not be fulfilled they will react.

If told very directly, they will probably react very directly. If approaching the topic in a more gentile way, they can be expected to react with more openness. But I would expect any relative close friend to react with some supportiveness.

[tinkerboi]

it's harder being an asexual than it is being gay

I agree totally.

My parents think I'm gay and I have no intention of changing that.

[funaladanaly]

Quote:

it's harder being an asexual than it is being gay

I agree totally.

I actually disagree with this statement. I think that there is still a stigma upon gay people that asexuals fortunately don't have to deal with. People may think we're odd, but I think our culture does accept one's right to say no. They may think its odd, they may tease in jest, but I think at the end of the day they can respect the decision, even if they can't understand it.

[square peg]

I think that there is still a stigma upon gay people that asexuals fortunately don't have to deal with. People may think we're odd, but I think our culture does accept one's right to say no. They may think its odd, they may tease in jest, but I think at the end of the day they can respect the decision, even if they can't understand it.

Depends which culture you're talking about. In general I agree, but there are exceptions around the world and we don't know what kind of community Anima Sola lives in. The culture of my immediate local area is mostly easy on homosexuals. As an asexual I'm more left behind by the pervasive influence of free-love than directly discriminated against.

[vits3k]

Some peoples' moms believe that asexuality is real. I know some of them.

In fact, some peoples' moms ARE asexual, and are right here on this board.

"4 out of 5 moms surveyed agree that asexuality is real"

So there.

* Sends support vibes *

[Anima_Sola_3o4]

wow this is a lot to reply to, lol.

Uhh well, I will start with the fact that I've been diagnosed with clinical depression since i was 12, been on many different medications... none of which work in the long run. Been in therapy since 12, off and on... never really helped for me... and yeah, i know all there is to know about depression and alternative ways to help it... but it seems to be so deeply ingrained in me that its going to take some serious work and effort to relieve it... and im a pretty fragile person emotionally... so all my hard work in therapy to try to build myself up outta depression and self worth problems can easily be shattered by one fight with someone or one bad day... and yea, my old therapist and i have considered the possibility of seasonal affective disorder, but it doesnt follow enough of a seasonal pattern. I have the feeling that I have borderline personality disorder and thats where the DBT comes in. My therapist suggested it... and it is supposed to really help with some of my specific problems.... so i guess its just a matter of getting off my ass and doin it.

That's a good idea about sitting her down and explaining all of that to her... I will try that.

As far as the anxiety goes, I can be around people who love me for who I am and support me but i still feel the paranoia and still feel like 'everybody hates me but they just put up with me...' kinda feelings... it actually started when i was about 17, when i was going to a youth group... and thats one of the most supportive places ever, but i started to feel alienated and like i was an outcast and there was no basis in reality for me to feel that way... it was just like self insecurities i guess... it ended in me quitting church... now i feel that way in almost every social situation.

I do plan on adding more, but im in a hurry to get somewhere so i hafta cut this short.

Thanks for all the replies tho!! I'll be back!

[Frigid Pink]

I can understand how frustrating it can be.

I have found open-minded, nonjudgmental, accepting people to be around and be friends with that respect who and what I am.

Most of my friends don't understand asexuality, but they respect it, and, to me, that is what matters. I don't expect others to understand, especially when I can't understand sexuality.

I used to get really upset when others "hit on" me (I really dislike that phrase), but now I am just amused by it. I don't tell everyone I am asexual. I simply say I'm not interested. I mean, I don't really believe it is necessary to tell everyone that is interested in me or that I meet that I am asexual. Of course, I don't mind discussing it and getting visibility out there if someone asks me a direct question pertaining to it.

What does upset me now is when others touch me or invade my personal space. I'm only okay with certain forms of touch if I know the person. Hugs from strangers are very awkward and unwanted.

It also upsets me when I am asked rude questions like, "So, do you masturbate?" or "Have you ever had sex, then?"

And regarding your mother and her reaction to your asexuality. My mother says she believes me, but her behavior suggests otherwise. She treats me as if I am a heterosexual female and often believes I am having sex with my male friends or males I am involved with.

And I believe most of my friends believe I just haven't found the right person yet. Heh, the "right" person would be someone who accepts me as I am, not some mystical person that magically transforms me into a sexual being.

[funaladanaly]

It also upsets me when I am asked rude questions like, "So, do you masturbate?"

Yes! Same here! My ex asked me that a few times and I always gave the same answer: I will neither confirm nor deny anything.

That is the answer that I give to everyone. What is funny is every guy says, "Oh, well then you haven't." All the girls say, "Well that means that you have." Its really interesting how the different genders interpret that exact same, vague answer.

To Anima - I hope that a talk with your mom helps. I used to be a Sunday School teacher, and I find that teens really want to talk, and parents really want their teens to talk to them, but neither expects the other to do their part. If you take the first step and say, I want to talk, I truly hope your mom will respond that she wants to listen.

[isillote]

Hi, and welcome to Aven!!

I really think you need to go for the therapy suggested. In your first mail you say it's more than 'just depression'. Depression is a terribly debilitating illness, it saps your will to fight like nothing else. You overreact to things, see insults and condemnation that aren't really there, and feel isolated from the world in genera. I know, because I've been there. Being asexual doesn't help matters at all. But I would try to deal with the depression first, because if you can fight that off, you'll find it easier to cope with the other problems in your life.

Yes, talk to your mum again, I agree with what everyone else suggests. You said she'd been drinking all day when you had your initial conversation. Does she have a problem with alcohol, or was it just a one-off? If she does have a problem she may feel unable to deal with yours and find that rejecting your concerns about asexuality is easier than facing up to them.

Good luck - and go for the therapy!!

[xBlackxRainx]

Welcome to the club!

I can identify with practically everything you say. Reading your posts are almost as scary as looking in a mirror :o

That demeaning look that guys give you, as if you were some mere object for them to utilize then throw away, that degrading complexity of being brash under the guise of subtly, it makes me sick and nauseated. I am very socially avoidant (anti-social is actually a whole 'nother ball game), because I have panic attacks in large groups, and I can't hold on to a friendship because of being so paranoid that I'd rather reject them than they reject me. As for the DBT, go for the heck of it, you might get something out of it. You'll probably remember all the acronyms for at least 2 weeks after it is over. A lot of it seemed like common sense to me, and some seemed like it would be a hassle to work with uncooperative people. I remember eating pizza...and...ODPN..something, I did it so I could get out of the residential home I was in so not much attention was paid. :P

If you need any support or an ear send me a private message.

[emmarainbow]

Perhaps you could try joining a club or something? That gives you social time without the associated problems.

Personally, I felt like this until I joined a specific drama group that has made me very happy with myself. If you don't like acting there's a lot of backstage to be involved in, and I've found that acting people are the best to take you out of yourself and accept you for who you are; when I spoke up about being a there, other people already knew about it! And noone criticised my statement at all. A couple of people asked a lot of questions before saying 'fine, if you say so', but they accepted it. It was lovely. :D Admittedly, a lot of them were very sexual, but they didn't feel compelled to make me change myself; they allowed me to be different.

[Callista]

As a Christian, I can say it is probably WAY harder to be gay than asexual, at least in my culture. When I say I'm asexual, sometimes I get "You need to find the right man"; but sometimes it's more of, "Okay. Some people just have the gift of singleness." (Which sounds weird, but it's actually a Christian cliche for people who focus on God and don't marry.) For gay people, it's more like, "AAAH! SINNER!!" (which is silly because that was an old Jewish health law, kind of like eating pork...) Anyway, it depends on your sub-culture, not just your culture.

[Changed]

That demeaning look that guys give you, as if you were some mere object for them to utilize then throw away, that degrading complexity of being brash under the guise of subtly, it makes me sick and nauseated.

Ok, I'm a guy so I've never had to experience this, but how many guys look at you like this?

[thylacine]

Hi. I'm not a guy. So I gotta tell yah. It's true... some of them, not all of them, look at you, kinda... you know... "that way."

[spinneret]

Yeah, the Look happens pretty often, and sometimes worse. The college students aren't even in town anymore, and I still got two catcalls when I was out walking the other day in some new (fitted, not revealing) threads. It reminded me why I usually stick to clothes that make me look 12.

Back on topic, that's really rough, Anima. Just don't let it crush you, because you don't need anyone else to tell you what you're feeling. It would be great if your mom was supportive, but you know yourself even if she doesn't understand.

Who knows, maybe she will be ready to talk about it someday.

[cijay]

Sigh.

My mom and I were having a discussion today. Out of the blue she said 'Are you gay?' (because I'd been talking about going to help my lesbian cousin at the Pride parade and festival with a booth for her company and walk in the parade for her to support her)..... At first I rolled my eyes, then I said 'I thought we talked about this before... I'm ASEXUAL.' She says 'asexual? thats when an animal has both sexes in one and can reproduce on their own...' I said 'yes, technically, but there is another definition for it.... ' and i explained it all... and she said that I'm just gaurded and afraid of men. wtf ever. Then we went down to do laundry, and she said 'I just dont think asexuality is real.' And I said 'well, gee, thanks for invalidating everything i stand for.... this is why i dont tell you things, because you can't handle it.' 'Well, I just don't think it's real. sorry.' I was trying to hard not to cry, while throwing towels in the washer I had to keep from crying. I then made an excuse to come back upstairs and locked my door and now I am crying.

Ya know, I dreaded the conversation for so long, and put it off and put it off and labelled it a 'need-to-know' basis... And we just sort of fell into the conversation... and she totally just dismissed it and crushed me in the process. She has been drinking all day though, so she may not even remember the conversation.

What the hell is so hard for people to understand about asexuality??!? I just don't do the whole relationship and sex thing.... so?!? My mom doesnt either, but she says 'well im just afraid of people, thats why i dont date.' But obviously at one point that wasn't true, because she dated my dad, and had us.

Why do I feel the need to hide who I am? When I go out with friends, and theyre flirting up a storm, and trying to find guys to go home with (dont even get me started...), and I'm sitting off at a table somewhere just trying to enjoy my night out.... but feeling anxiety about if a guy approaches me, that I need to explain to him that I don't date.... and explain the asexuality concept to a dumb drunk guy. I don't go to clubs anymore, because of getting hit on. My myspace page is totally blocked off, no mail, no accepting friend requests I don't know, no unauthorized comments.... because i was consistantly getting messages like 'yo babe, you hott' which i just despise.

I didn't ask to be this way, I don't even really like being asexual, but I don't necessarily have a choice... I can't force something I don't feel. I mean God, they talk about how homosexuals have such a high suicide rate... well wtf... it's harder being an asexual than it is being gay... at least in our sex driven society. Not that I'm suicidal... I'm just feeling intensely anti-social for many reasons. I am getting sick of having my friend beg me to come out with her, then have her completely ignore me all night to go off and flirt with random guys and try to get them to buy her drinks. She totally uses people, which I find disgusting. But, then I step back and look at her family and realize she's been raised that way. And she will find a guy who likes her and who she likes, get in a relationship with them.... then get bored i guess, and cheat on them. Constantly. I mean for gods sake, she works for a couple who own a company, who also happen to be all of our friends and we're all friends and junk.... and she had sex with the guy at least twice! And the girl has no idea... and it kills me to hang out with all of them and for me to know that.... but yet i can't say anything, because i've been friends with her since 2nd grade.... and i dont really want her to hate me forever.... but when is she gonna learn? Unless she gets in trouble one of these times, she's never gonna change. I wish she'd never told me that she slept with him. What's the point? She just put me in a terrible position.

I just dont feel like being a part of this society anymore. I'm not like them. I'm sick of guys looking me up and down with that stupid fucking look in their eyes.... i hate that. I feel gross when they do that. I hate being whistled at. And it's not that I'm all that good looking, cuz I'm not.... but it still happens.

I just dont know what to do. I'm stuck in life in general right now, im having a hard time relating to people, can't even fathom getting a job because i can't handle being judged and criticised, can't go to school for fear of failure.... im apparently pretty depressed, but it seems like more than just depression this time... like there's some social anxiety and paranoia going on that i can't even be in public really. If someone looks at me funny i get all upset... even if they dont mean to do it, like they just happen to be looking at me but thinking about something else and they make a face... ugh. IDK. I need some help I guess. My therapist suggest DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) but I'm even scared to do that.

I just wish there were some more asexual people around here that I could hang out with. Better yet, an asexual club to go to! Wouldn't that be awesome! We could all hang out, even drink, without people getting all stupid and horny and disrespectful! That'd be ace. Thats why I used to hang out at the gay bar all the time, because i felt safer there i guess.

idk. im just never talking to my mother about it ever again. I know that much! Everyone else seems to understand.... well, the ones i've told anyhow.... the rest assume im a lesbian, and honestly.... it just doesnt matter to me what people think.... they can think im a dyke for all i care... it beats having to explain asexuality to all of them.... especially if they're gonna react by saying it's not real (!)

fuck that.

From the sound of it, you've come up with a lot of your own solutions. Don't talk to your mum about it anymore. If she brings up your sex life, just tell her it's not open for discussion.

Why would you bother trying to explain asexuality to a dumb drunk guy? Or anyone who means nothing to you? You KNOW the dumb drunk guy, if he can get it through his head at all will only see it as a challenge.

You're 100% in control of your social scene. Don't go out with your friends if that's all they do. Tell your friend you're not intereted in her sexual endeavors and conquests. Take control. Treat your life like your myspace and control who comes in and goes out of it.

[Ozzie]

I recently told my mom that I'm now sure I am asexual, and I got (what seems to me) an even worse reaction. I'm sure she knows asexuality is real, but I'm also sure she doesn't think I am asexual. What's really terrible is that she humors me, pretending to listen to and believe stuff I say about asexuality, but I can tell she's really skeptical ... It sucks.

[mouri_shin]

that's why i'm afraid to tell them. i mean, my parents are awesome, but this is out of their scope i think. i mentioned once that me and an ex were having problems b/c of sex and she said he wasn't providing 'what i needed' and that someone would come along who could :?

[LifeDepraved]

Talking about this with your parents is very awkward and doesn't always turn out the way you want it. My parent's don't believe I am Asexual and don't want to hear any of it. I first told my brother because I thought I could trust him...guess not. He told them and they confronted me right away, even asking if I was gay :? Well I sorted it all out at the time. But they keep egging on with "where's your gf Kevin?"...and other things of that sort. I don't think they will ever get it.

[Dove]

By coincidence, I just finished saying to my Mom that the thing I can't handle the most is being invalidated. And then I came right in here and read this post. It's an awful feeling. Especially if you feel they're almost laughing at something you're really serious about. It's an awful feeling.

I'm finding that it was easier to talk to my sister about it than my parents. They just look really uncomfortable. And my Mom is the most likely to say that I'm just afraid of intimacy, as I'm sure that's how she feels too.

What I've been trying to get across to them now, is that if I was just afraid, I'd still have the desire, but just be afraid of it. I am afraid of it too, or at least extremely uncomfortable with it, but I also don't have the desire. I've never sexually desired a single human being in my entire life, and I'm 48 years old. By now, I think it's safe to say that it won't be happening any time soon.

But that's what I'm working on now, for people who think I'm just afraid - trying to get across to them that it is a complete lack of desire. Not a fear.

[moonstar]

I agree with Anima we live in such a sex driven society making it impossible for the general population to comprehend not wanting sex with whatever gender. I have the same fears as you and asexuals/celibates pay a huge price in the form of emotional turmoil as we are made to be virtual outcasts which is without a doubt what contributes to depression/anxiety etc even more so I believe than the average sexual person who has to worry about STD's/unwanted pregnancy,their partner cheating etc.

[AliceInWonderland]

Hello.

I'm a sexual and just want you to know that I think you're doing well to be so young and already know your true sexuality/asexuality. Some people go through life never knowing - never digging deeper to find out who they really are.

As for not being able to relate to others in your area, maybe you can find asexuals on this site who live in your area and you can meet.

Just my 2 cents.

[jr1]

I hope your mom understands now

[BleedingThrough]

I hope your mom understands it now as well.

And just because females like us are asexual doesn't mean it's because we are afraid of men! My mom says the same thing even though I tell her that's not why.

[iff]

I also, hoping not to sound repititous to the above 2 posts, your mom understands now

while i've not said anything to my mother about being asexual, i hav e started to make a point out loud about the ignorance of asexuals in society