Could he be asexual?

[Looking for Answers]

New to the forums, with a question (or two).

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love very much. We're in our late twenties, and have been together just over a year. I've had sex with previous partners, but he is a virgin. He wants to wait until marriage for sex (though we're doing everything else), which I am happy to do.

However I am starting to wonder if he's asexual. He constantly refers to anything sexual as dirty and wrong, which is partly joking and partly not. He has a much lower libido than I do (and mine is pretty low!). I would be happy with fooling around once every week or two, whereas it seems like he would be happier with once a month.

He's told me that he feels like he's failing me by not wanting it more often, and I've tried repeatedly to reassure him that that's not the case but I'm not sure he believes me. He constantly tells me how attractive he finds me, and when we do fool around, he has no problem getting or staying hard and really seems to enjoy what we do. He's alternately told me that he wants me all the time and that he just doesn't want it that often and he doesn't know why.

During the time we've been together, he's opened up a little to sexual experiences. He had never done much more than kissed any other girl, and he now makes joking comments about wanting me to be naked all the time, something he would never have said when we first started dating (in fact, he would have vehemently said "ew" or some version of that). He's very cuddly and physical in that sense. But when we first started dating, there was a lot of making out, and now we really only kiss with pecks unless we're about to do something more; I've tried to initiate just deeper kisses, and he'll reciprocate but won't continue them if I stop.

I can't tell if he's forcing himself to be sexual with me because he feels guilty he's not interested in it, or if he just has a very low libido. I try to let him initiate things, and if this is really the level of sexual activity he wants (or hell, if he wants none at all), I would be okay with that; sex just isn't something I absolutely need to have. I'm just worried that he's making himself do something he doesn't have any interest in.

So my question is: if he was asexual, would he be able to get an erection and get off on oral sex? He has a pretty intense reaction to it, and says he enjoys it a lot- could that be a physical thing he can't stop, even if he doesn't actually want it? He definitely finds sex/sexual acts dirty- is that an attitude that could go away, or is it a sign that he may never really want it?

Thanks for the help!

[Hayley]

Okay, let's see if I can help you...

Yes, an asexual male can get an erection and enjoy sex. He could be constantly aroused, have sex with you everyday, and still be asexual! It's more about the lack of desire than the physical aspect. For example, I have sex with my girlfriend. I never look at her and think "Phwoar, you're so exotic, the second we get alone I'm going tear your dress off!", and as such I don't understand when sex should be initiated. She has to start it. I can still "perform" though and apparantly she enjoys it. However, the only enjoyment I get out of it is seeing her happy. A lot of us do genuinely enjoy having sex though, it varies from person to person (a bit like it does for sexuals, I'd assume.)

The repulsion isn't common among asexuals, nor is it uncommon. I'm sure there are sexual people in the world who are repulsed by sexual acts too. It could be a lifetime thing or with time he could change his mind, that's not something that I can call judgement on. From the way you speak he has become more open to sexual experiences with time, yes? Then there's no reason why you can't keep trying.

From experience I know that he is most likely upset by his reactions to you. It can be very confusing. If you genuinely believe that he is an asexual you could subtly point him in our direction, reading the opinions and feelings of asexuals could help him work some things out. Of course that's up to you, it's just a suggestion.

(: Good luck.

[La_Gioconda]

First of all, welcome to AVEN! :D

I'm going to write this in bulletpoints (not neccesarily in order of importance) because otherwise I might get carried away and write something chaotic:

- asexuality is not about not being able to perform. Many asexuals have had sex, some even enjoyed it to a certain degree. So his erection is not a proof of anything. Asexuality is about not being sexually attracted to other people, in other words about not needing to have sex with anybody. Ever. Some asexuals have a physical sex drive and masturbate to deal with it but would rather not do it with a person. Actually, it's even possible for sexuals to have quite a high sex drive! So even low libido is not a proof of his a/sexuality. Yes, I know it can be confusing. let's put it this way: asexuals differentiate between drive (which they can have) and sexual attraction (which they lack), while for sexuals these two things go together and are therefore hard to distinguish. Asexuals can be aesthetically attracted to people though.

- now back to your situation: you refer to your boyfriend as virgin but you've done so many other things that I wouldn't really call him virgin. You were naked together, had oral sex (notice the word 'sex'), touched each other in a sexual way, orgasmed - that's sex just without vaginal penetration. If it turns out he's not into penetration, would you be ok with giving it up and keeping things as they are now? You said your bf mentions being repulsed by sex. Does he show this repulsion when you're engaging in the activities you described? If not then either this repulsion is mild and he can deal with it, or he 'forgets' it because he's so turned on by you. Either way, I wouldn't be too concerned about it now.

- You said he's happy with doing it once a month. The fundamental question here is: is he just comfortable wiht doing it once a month or does he feels the NEED to do it once a month? If it's the second option then he's not asexual. Asexuals don't feel the need. Either way, does it really matter which one it is? You are both fine with doing it say, every 3 weeks (some compromise from both sides) and if you can be both happy about it then that's all that counts.

- You're wondering wether he is asexual or just has a low libido. Well, I usually say that you (as in general *you*) are sexual untill proven otherwise. Asexuality is very rare. Asexuals sometimes engage in sex because they like seeing their partners happy. They can also get pleasure from sex as well. Would you be concerned if this was the case? in other words: does it really matter so much if he's asexual or has a low libido? Does it make a difference if he's engaging in sex because it feels good and he likes to please you OR if he'd doing it because he needs it? If you want a straight answer from me then NO, I don't think your boyfriend is asexual, I think he's simply just discovering his sexuality. But that's just my opinion, the only person that can tell for sure is him.

- I would be careful about mentioning asexuality to him. He's already afraid that he's letting you down. Directing him to this site would just reinforce it. You might mention asexuality in passing, like in a casual conversation but not refering to him but I'm not sure if it's neccesary.

- It seems to me that your relationship has a great chance of success - at least in terms of sex. I hope you can work it out, good luck!

[Hallucigenia]

They can also get pleasure from sex as well. Would you be concerned if this was the case? in other words: does it really matter so much if he's asexual or has a low libido? Does it make a difference if he's engaging in sex because it feels good and he likes to please you OR if he'd doing it because he needs it? If you want a straight answer from me then NO, I don't think your boyfriend is asexual, I think he's simply just discovering his sexuality. But that's just my opinion, the only person that can tell for sure is him.

Ditto what Gioconda said.

There's not actually much of a line between the sort of asexual who enjoys having sex to please a partner, and between the sort of sexual person who has only a little bit of desire/need for sex. This is where I, personally, would use the term "gray-A", meaning a gray area between straightforward sexuality and straightforward asexuality. I'm a gray-ish person (though more on the sexual side, I think) dating a gray-A, and I've learned that the sanest course for me is to stop worrying so much about whether a particular action is sexual or asexual, and just to enjoy what happens when it happens.