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Hello,

I have recently stumbled upon this site because I believe my boyfriend of 6 years may be asexual. I am hoping I could get some advice.

We have been together almost 6 years and recently, about three months ago, moved in with each other. I thought, as I think some married people do, that once we moved in with each other our relationship would improve sexually. We were down to having sex once every couple of months, and I blamed in on my busy schedule, the fact we only saw each other a couple nights a week, my inability to sleep over (because of my schedule), and frankly, the extra ten pounds I gained since quiting smoking. I thought, niavely, that once we lived together we would have more time and our sexual experiences would grow. This once not the case. In the three months we have lived together, we have had sex once, and I believe the romantic words he used were, "I guess we should have sex since we have a new house." Oh, toe curling romance!

I became angry, frustrated, bitter, exhausted, ambivalent, and apathetic. I blamed everything about me at first, then I read an article in some magazine (Self?) that mentioned the idea of asexuality and how some people just aren't into sex. I began to thinking that perhaps my boyfriend was asexual.

I have explored this site for a while, as well as few others, and have read many posts. I feel that this is safe site where I can explain my situation and ask for honest, nonjudgemental feedback.

Problem #1: My boyfriend exhibits all the signs discussed by others, and I want to approach him realistically about this possibly being his situation. (realistically as opposed to screaming it in the heat of yet another arguement.)

Problem #2: Like many other sexuals who are in relationships with asexuals (from what I read), we have fought about sex a lot. I have tried to reason with him, let him understand my needs, guilt him, compromise with him, and everthing else I can think of. Basically, I feel like I am begging for sex, which is not me. The thought of begging for sex makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I don't really know what to do.

I feel like giving up. If I had known going into the relationship that it did not involve sex it would be different. I would have been able to choose if this was something I was able to do. Now I feel stuck. I am not angry anymore, I am sad, lonely, and hurt. I don't feel like he is trying to work at this relationship and I am so tried, I think ending it might just be the best.

I am have never poured my heart out like this on a website, so please don't judge me for it. Some advice, however brutal, would be greatly appreciated.

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Chiaroscuro

Hello Hello,

Good for you for writing. I know that first post is a hard one. Hopefully, future ones will be easier, and you'll find some help and understanding here.

First of all, no, you're not alone. What you're describing is something many, many of us have experienced. It's that gaping, often invisible divide that exists between Sexual people and Asexuals (whatever part of the AS spectrum they may exist on). If you've been exploring here, you'll have noticed that some A's are comfortable with compromising sexually, while others (like my wife), cannot compromise at all. You'll have to see if you can figure out where your boyfriend is on that continuum before we can give useful advice.

I am sad, lonely, and hurt. I don't feel like he is trying to work at this relationship and I am so tried, I think ending it might just be the best.

He may be trying, but not have any idea that he's fundamentally different than you. That'll take talking. If you can coax him here, that might help get the discussion started in a non-threatening way.

Ultimately, count your blessings that you're not married. As a long-term married-to-an-A spouse, I'd advise you to be very careful about making that kind of commitment. The A/S divide becomes crueler over time, not easier.

best of luck,

Chiaroscuro

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Hello, there!

Well the first thing is to realize that this is not about you being insufficient in some way. You are a sexy, desirable person. It is just that your boyfriend (assuming he is in fact asexual, which from this point forward I will just assume) is not capable of feeling that sort of desire. There is no doubt in my mind that if he were sexual, he would desire you. So this is not a failing or embarrassment on your part.

Also, he probably cares about you a great deal. Just because he is not able to express that sexually does not mean that the caring is not there. As much as you can, try to understand that he does feel love and attraction and hope for your mutual future and all those other tings for you. A lack of desire for sex does not mean he does not think you are his soulmate. It just means he doesn't want sex. He doesn't want sex with ANYONE, so it is not about you. He does not want any kind of sex for any reason, not because of you. This is not your fault.

You say you feel like he is not working on the relationship, but if he does not realize he is asexual, he may not have any idea how to work on it. People often avoid dealing with problems they don't have names for.

It is not a one-way street. To make it work he also has to try to understand and respect your feelings. Some of the things you feel can be satisfied or at least lessened through nonsexual activity. A lot of emotions that people generally express through sex are actually not inherently sexual. Sex is just a very straightforward, quantifiable way to measure/express those feelings, but you CAN measure, express, and satisfy them other ways. You just need to find out what nonsexual activities also make you feel loved, beautiful, secure, etc. and try to focus on those.

But unfortunately, from what I gather (I am asexual so I do not feel it) there are some feelings that just cannot be replaced nonsexually. It helps to alleviate as much as possible nonsexually, but in the end it is those pesky, purely sexual emotions that refuse to be otherwise fulfilled will rise up and cause conflict in you and in your relationship. He needs to understand that. And he needs to understand that this is not your fault. His lack of those feeling is just as much a cause of the problem as your possession of them.

I do think you should talk to him about the possibility of being asexual, as you said in a non-hostile environment. One thing everyone agrees on in mixed relationships is that communication is key. And you cannot communicate if he does not understand who he is.

Do not be surprised if he denies asexuality at first. People are programmed to think everybody is sexual, and that if they are asexual something is wrong with them. Also a lot of asexuals experience arousal, just not directed at others, or they experience physical attraction and thus assume they must be sexual, without understanding that physical attraction does not always lead to a desire for sex. I'm not saying to push it on him or anything, just don't be surprised if he totally rejects the idea in the beginning.

So I gather he is willing to have sex at least a bit. Here are some solutions for mixed couples who are willing to compromise that people have come up with.

Scheduling

You agree to have sex with certain frequency, and sometimes people even schedule a time and date.

Pros: The sexual knows zhe is going to get some, and that might help hir relax and show more nonsexual affection without stressing out about when the next time will be. The asexual knows that zhe will not be pressured into sex other times, so zhe can feel comfortable giving the maximum amount of physical affection zhe is capable without fear of it turning into the Bedroom March or another fight, or having to hurt the sexual by refusing sex.

Cons: Sexuals are not clocks and their feelings do not always follow schedules. Maybe on the set time it will not be best for you. Maybe you will feel strong sexual urges at a time not scheduled.

Asexuals sometimes begin to dread the date, and it becomes a huge, bitter, black cloud hanging over their lives - and over the relationship.

Also, for both partners, it is really tough to figure out how much sex is enough/too much. You might start out with once a week and the asexual finds that impossible, or you start out with once a month and the sexual goes crazy waiting. Even if you hit the nail on the head with compromise frequency at first, sexual desires change over time and ability to compromise changes over time. And then you have to renegotiate, and one party feels gypped into a worse situation.

Open Relationships

The sexual is allowed to seek sexual satisfaction outside the relatiosnhip. This can mean no sex within the relationship, or infrequent sex whenever the asexual feels like zhe can do it. But the sexual takes responsibility for satisfying hirself elsewhere and anything the asexual gives after that is icing on the cake.

Pros:

The asexual no longer has to compromise, allowing hir to freely express hirself to hir maximum capacity in the relationship. The Bedroom March is no longer a risk preventing physical affection. The asexual can feel like a whole person, not having to allow an act that violates hir sense of self.

The sexual gets to have sex as often as zhe can find a willing partner.

Cons:

Both parties often feel this arrangement is morally wrong. The sexual in particular often feels wrong about it. The time and possibly money spent with other partners is time and money not spent on the relationship. Also, if the arrangement is known by others, the couple may face moral judgment from other people.

The sexual may not feel that sexual experiences are as fulfilling when with casual partners. The sexual may still want that special sexual bond with hir significant other - the asexual. The sexual might become emotionally involved with one of hir casual partners, causing conflict and potentially ending the relationship. Extra-relationship flings may put the sexual partner at higher risk for STDs or pregnancy or casual partners who become obsessed....

The asexual may feel jealous or inadequate.

This is my current favorite option, though I haven't had the opportunity to try it out myself.

All Or Nothing

One or the other simply gives in. Either the sexual concedes to an entirely asexual relationship, or the asexual gives up a huge chunk of self-identity and just "lies there and takes it".

Pros: Well, at least one person is happy.

Cons: Hell, everything. I hate this option. Someone lives in misery, which inevitably breeds bitterness and strife in the relationship. This option seems to show a fundamental lack of respect for one partner or the other. Even if it is tolerable at first it is rarely tolerable in the long term.

The Vague "We'll See What Happens" Option

You don't want to schedule, don't want to have an open relationship, and don't want anyone to be miserable. So you wing it. The asexual makes a good effort to have sex as much as zhe can take it, and the sexual tries not to put too much pressure on the asexual. Details vary.

Pros:

Probably the least complicated and most common method. Nobody needs to set in concrete hir own feelings, or commit to a schedule that their body might not be able to keep.

Cons:

Unless you are both excellent communicators and talk about sex frequently, it will be difficult to gauge your partner's level of contentment. Also you need to absolutely trust that your partner is doing hir utmost to meet you halfway. How do you know if the asexual is really giving sex as often as zhe can? How do you know if the sexual pressure is just too much for the sexual? It seems like all too often both sides start to feel that the other is not giving enough. Pressure from the sexual tends to make the asexual less willing; less sex from the asexual tends to make the sexual put on more pressure. It is a dangerous downward spiral. The asexual may become afraid to initiate any sort of affection, for fear that the sexual will try to turn it into sex. The sexual may become afraid to show and affection, for fear of making the asexual uncomfortable. This vague option is sort of the default option when people don't realize one partner is asexual, and quite frankly if this option ever worked well we wouldn't need to be discussing it. In my experience, and from what I have seen on the boards, just trying to "make it work" without some sort of plan or agreement does not make it work.

* * * * * * * * *

Okay that is all I can think of/have time for now. Anyone else please chip in.

Good luck, Hello.

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So much great information.

I do believe that my boyfriend is not aware that he may be asexual and it will be hard to approach him with the possiblity. I have no doubt that he loves me. He can be very sweet and affectionate in other ways. He is very reassuring with his words and in past conversations he stated that he just "has never been that into sex." Even when he is with his friends and goes to bacholer parties or what-have you, he is just not into the sex part. He makes fun of strippers and treats it as a giant joke, as oppose to actually finding them attractive.

At first I thought we had such a great relationship because I trusted him so completely. I still do of course, but now for a different reason.

So far my relationship has been the last options your suggested, the vague option. But it is at the point where it is not working anymore and something needs to change.

I guess I am still afraid to approach the subject with him.

Thank you both for all your encouragement and support, it is really nice to have someone understand what I am going through.

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