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whats best for my partner??


mctavish

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hi everyone,

i'm a sexual person and have been in a devoted relationship with my asexual partner. let me say from the outset, i am very devoted to my partner but feel lost, lonely & insecure. i want whats best for my partner and over the last few months my partner has asked me to go have sex with other people. i know there are many relationships that successfully undertake this challenge and i am envious of you. I on the other hand am scared and worried that an undertaking of this nature would destroy our closeness. I say this, because has had problems in the past with previous partners who have slept around and just used **. my partner is also concerned about our relationship especially around trust. my partner says to go have sex, but also continually wants to know where i am. i am devoted to my partner, but would it be best for me to let them go. as i cannot do what my partner wants me to do. but i konw that its easy for me to end the relationship whilst for my partner it woudl be destructive. can anyone help me?? i just want to do whats best for my partner. any suggestions would be really helpful. can i just say, that i seriously dont want to end my relationship. it means so much to me, what i need is advice on how to be a better person for them.

thank u.

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Hallucigenia
my partner says to go have sex, but also continually wants to know where i am.

This isn't necessarily a contradiction. Many people in open relationships allow their partners to have sex with whoever they want to, but only if they tell the other person who it is and are entirely honest and, well, open about it. Much (though not all) of the vaunted destructiveness of extramarital affairs comes from the fact that they are often secret, and involve lies to, and neglect of, the person's official partner. By knowing where you are, your partner may simply want to keep an informational handle on how the rest of your relationships are going.

That said, it really depends on what you mean by "continually". Calling a partner dozens of time to day to see where they are is a warning sign of partner abuse.

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I am an asexual with a sexual partner. I told him that he was welcome to have sex with other people providing he told me when he did, practised safe sex, and didn't get deeply involved with them. This has worked really well for us for 12 years, and we're truly in love with each other. I feel happy because I know he can get something he really needs and I can't give him elsewhere, and he's happy because he can do this openly. Sex has been the only problem in our relationship. I am not a jealous sort of person at all. If your partner is, then you both need to be really sure you know what you're doing before you go for this sort of open relationship. It's not for everyone, but when it works it's a great solution!

Good luck

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100% agree with Hallu and issilote. If your partner gives you the blessing to have sex elsewhere, give it a shot. The more open and honest you are about it, the more likely it will be an easy transition for your relationship. If you feel bad and as a result don't want to talk about it or get secretive, the secretiveness will alienate your partner far more than the sex. Not saying you need to give the details of the act (unless your partner asks); just what you are doing and whatever else your partner wants to know (name and how you met hir, perhaps).

I would be so happy if my future/potential partner went out and took care of himself so that I would not feel pressured to do it "for him". In my experience it is hard for sexuals to concentrate on me the way I want them to concentrate on me if they are preoccupied with horniness. They inevitably try to get just a little this or that in, or they get a little irritable and distant because they are trying to resist the urge to get a little something in, both of which cause serious strain on me, too. If my partner said he was going to go find a sex partner so that when he came home he could give me the nonsexual attention I deserve I would be ecstatic.

Give it a shot! Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

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I would be so happy if my future/potential partner went out and took care of himself so that I would not feel pressured to do it "for him".

:shock: OH NO I lost my other half to someone else. Now I feel all :cry:

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La_Gioconda

For me, it would count as cheating if my SO did it secretly. As long as he doesn't hide it from me and tells me where and with whom he's going out, that's ok. I would be quite happy if he could satisfy his sexual drive with a prostitute. And, yes, safe sex is extremely important.

I think you should talk with you SO about it and, if s/he agrees, give it a go. If you find it too emotionally stressful you can always stop.

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funaladanaly
If your partner gives you the blessing to have sex elsewhere, give it a shot

Exactly. I told my ex this same thing. He said though that he doesn't like the open relationships. He couldn't ever be in one because it'd just cause trouble. I said that I wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd be happy because it was less pressure on me.

He said that I may say he can, but really, I don't mean it. It would bother me he said. I didn't think it woud, but he was pretty convinced it would. He also rationalized that he didnt' want to have sex anymore just for the sake of having sex since it was "purely masturbatory."

Honestly though, I would have been okay with him doing it with someone else. In fact I wanted him to because I know he was not happy restraining himself. He really is a horndog. I think he was worried that he would get wrapped up in a dramatic, emotional game. I think he was also worried that he would feel more of a connection with a mistress than with me. He is a touchy feely guy, I am not.

So it didn't work with us. It came down to if I wanted to ever have sex or not, and since I didn't, we didn't become engaged. About two months later he started looking for girls online to sleep with. He told me about one of his experiences, and honestly, I was happy for him.

What bothered me a little is that he went from saying, "I love you I love you, and I would only want to sleep with someone I love," to sleeping with strangers. I didn't expect him to wait for me, but it was the fact that he wasn't completely honest that bothered me.

So if she gives you your blessing, go for it. She'll probably be happy for you. Just be honest.

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Chiaroscuro

funaladanaly wrote:

He really is a horndog. I think he was worried that he would get wrapped up in a dramatic, emotional game. I think he was also worried that he would feel more of a connection with a mistress than with me. He is a touchy feely guy, I am not.

I never know how to take it when an A says their partner is a horndog. My wife thinks I'm a horndog. I'm only a horndog if you define "wanting to have sex more than once every few months" as being a horndog. In my book, staying with her for 5+ years of no sex proves I'm no horndog.

(by the way: I hate the word horndog).

Your ex's concern about becoming emotionally involved with his mistress was genuine. Sexuals equate physical closeness with emotional closeness. It's why "cheating" is so threatening to most of us.

What bothered me a little is that he went from saying, "I love you I love you, and I would only want to sleep with someone I love," to sleeping with strangers. I didn't expect him to wait for me, but it was the fact that he wasn't completely honest that bothered me.

That's not dishonest. He didn't want to LOVE someone else, he loved you. He was trying to preserve his love for you by keeping emotional distance from his mistress (sleeping with a stranger). His behavior was consistent with the fear he expressed about "falling for" someone he became involved with. By keeping his mistress at arms length, he was trying to prevent that from happening. It was an act of desperation, seeing if he could find a way to keep you and retain his sexuality. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you both.

Chiaroscuro

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As an asexual who would rather have sex often than see her partner with someone else, I don't feel very qualified to answer this question... however one thing stood out to me and I have to point it out for your own contemplations.

Do you even WANT to have sex with other people?

From the way you worded your question you're asking if you having sex with other people is good for your partner - have you considered if it's good for you and your side of the relationship? It might be that your partner is suggesting this because he/she thinks it's good for you, but is just assuming a sexual needs 'sex' and doesn't get that some sexuals need sex, but that it's harmful to them if it's casual or with someone they don't love.

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thank you all for your comments. they are really helpful. i was the type of guy who would play the field, and have sex as much as could. but what i didnt have was the closeness and love that i get from being with my partner. she knows about my flirtacious past and was very shocked initially. but she did thank me for being open and honest with her. it actually allowed her to tell me about her difficulties with sex.

whilst i have her blessings to go and have sex with other women, and be emotionally distant with them i am scared and worried that she will hate me and regard me as a disgusting individual. I just don't want to do anythign that would result in me losing her. does anyone think that if i speaking to sex counselling would be a good idea??

thank you.

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Hallucigenia
does anyone think that if i speaking to sex counselling would be a good idea??

Yes, counselling has helped many sexual people here who are in mixed relationships. Make sure you get a counselor who believes asexuality exists, though, or at least one who will give you the benefit of the doubt instead of trying to force your partner to become sexual.

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