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What to do?


AGABUT

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Hi everbody,

I've seen this website for a while and didn't want to post, but I feel like I need to get a different perspective on what is going on with my relationship other than just people I'm friends with.

I've been dating someone for a while (almost 6 years). At first our relationship was long distance and whenever we saw each other there was no problem with expressing ourselves in a physical way(without actual sex), which was about once a month. After 2 years we were finally able to get together in the same place, which just happened to be in a forgien country. She is not a flexible as I am when it comes to changes and rolling with things so our relationship suffered a bit. It was also the first time that she had lived with anyone and being that she is a practicing Christian, she was having alittle bit of trouble with things.

The things that were fine and part of what we would do became not so OK anymore and we went down to maybe once a week at best to maybe once a month, but the strange this is, we still shared a bed, she still wanted to snuggle at night and be with me. There were planty of times that I asked he if she wanted me to leave, or just get a place of my own, sleep in the other room, anything. She would tell me that it was just stressful being there and then it changed to "well, I'm not sure how I feel spiritually about doing this" to "I guess I just don't think about it as much as you do." I stuck it out and stayed with her for that year that we were there and when we moved back to the US I thought that thinbgs would be fine and maybe go back to the way things were.

We got back and things kinda stayed about the same, then got a little better, but they always seem to fall off. It's as though it's a chore or something that she thinks she needs to do to keep me around or something, I just don't know. I have even asked her if she gets these feelings or urges and her answer is always "I guess so, I don't know, sometimes." I even found this website and she got mad at me saying that there is nothing wrong with her. I have tried to be real supportive, but I do have an average drive (or maybe above, crap I have no idea any more) but I'm not sure what to do anymore. I care about her and love her, but I'm at the end of my rope with this, and she doesn't like to talk about it. I've even tried to tell her that maybe she should talk to someone like a friend of professional, but she kinda wants to , but never follows through.

Suggestions?

B

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jaybird721

Maybe you could try and get her to look at the site again, reassuring her that there isn't anything wrong with asexuality, and that you aren't trying to say that there is. After all, it sounds like you're just trying to understand. That is a main function of labels like 'straight', 'gay', 'bi', 'asexual', etc. -- so that people can succintly communicate complex ideas. And you guys really do need to talk; every committed relationship is based around communication.

It sounds like you're really holding up your end, though. She's lucky to have someone as understanding as you. Best of luck! :cake:

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gray_imagination

its always rocky when the communication is not there :(

there's lots of reasons she might be kind of distant about physical intamacy and if she's not asexual, and its the same as if you asked her if she's gay, even if she is, she may not fully realise it or feel comfortable admitting to it.

You sound like you've been doing a good job of being there for her and supporting. But if she doesn't want to tak about it, make sure not to nag her too much and remember that if things don't work out it sounds more like the issues are on her end, and not because of her sexual orientation. Its often hard to talk to people, ven thouse you love, for some people but you need to make the effort. And make sure you do listen to what she does say, she may think she's being obvious in her behavior or words even if she isn't to you.

Often suggesting to someone that they need to talk to someone or they may be "different" in some way offends them whether or not you're right about it. Think how you'd feel if someone suggested those kinds of things to you, you might be reasonable about it, but depending one who it was and how they said it, you might also feel offended or hurt.

good luck! let us know how things go.

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