Jump to content

Regularly Scheduling Time for Sexual Intimacy: Benefits and Strategies


Recommended Posts

8 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

jump the pond, hump the man and dump the posts

😂

 

The most appealing part there is the humping.

 

8 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

85,800 - NO TIME FOR SEX!

Not true! I didn't check AVEN for at least a whole hour yesterday while I was, er, very very indecent...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Not true! I didn't check AVEN for at least a whole hour yesterday while I was, er, very very indecent...

I don’t know whether to clap, like or laugh! 🤣

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Do those bent on staying in relationships that lose the excitement only lament it, or work towards recreating it via romantic gestures?

I’m guessing for some folks it comes down to whether or not they’ve discovered what *does* recreate it for them.  I don’t personally think - at least for me - it’s as simple as “love languages”…  the same gesture (of whatever sort) that may make me feel happily connected to one person may have no effect (or even be off-putting) coming from another.

 

Once you lose it in a relationship it can be very difficult to find again, even if you fall back on the things that worked before.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Probably depends on compatibility and just the personalities of the people involved

100% agree.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I don’t know whether to clap, like or laugh! 🤣

My greatest achievement isn't even the lack of checking AVEN, it's the ability to render a certain someone incapable of speaking coherent sentences. Just drowsy, satisfied noises. 😂

 

Despite his outspokenness on the forums, it's astonishingly easy to shut Telecaster up. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Windmills of My Mind
8 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

In the interest of content, I’m contemplating “RE”.

Not just in the interest of content, foremost because I am a curious soul: what is "RE"? And what about it are you contemplating?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Windmills of My Mind
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I don’t know whether to clap, like or laugh! 🤣

Can you do all three?

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Not just in the interest of content, foremost because I am a curious soul: what is "RE"? And what about it are you contemplating?

RE - Relationship Energy. Typically, it’s presented as NRE (New Relationship Energy) which supposedly wears off across time as one settles into a relationship. However for some, this doesn’t happen.
 

We are 5 years into our love affair, and it’s not only not dissipated, but has grown stronger, broader and deeper. That excitement is alive and well. 

 

I dropped the “N” as we’re no longer new, but still have the “RE.”.  What I was contemplating at the time was detailed in my post: Mainly, the intensity of the feels and wondering how others maintain when those feelings wane or disappear altogether. 

 

Edit: 👏🏼👍🏼🤣 - all three ✔️

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/23/2022 at 1:36 AM, Traveler40 said:

it’s not only not dissipated, but has grown stronger, broader and deeper. That excitement is alive and well. 

Yeah those are the words I'd choose as well -- stronger, broader and deeper. Also calmer though (well perhaps not in the heat of the moment lol, but overall), but calmer in a good way. Stable and secure and consistent, no feeling of 'Is this going to just disappear at any moment?' (and actually it was a relationship with another sexual person that messed me up and made me insecure on that particular front; despite the mismatch with my asexual ex, there was nothing particularly inconsistent there at least).

 

Mind you, we'll probably get to experience somewhat of a revival of the whole NRE thing for a bit in a few months here lol. Can't say I'll be complaining... 😂

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/23/2022 at 2:32 AM, Ceebs said:

My greatest achievement isn't even the lack of checking AVEN, it's the ability to render a certain someone incapable of speaking coherent sentences. Just drowsy, satisfied noises. 😂

 

Despite his outspokenness on the forums, it's astonishingly easy to shut Telecaster up. 

...keep up the good work, then. 😜

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, The Sword said:

...keep up the good work, then. 😜

😂😂😂

 

Oh I will, that's a promise.

 

Consider it a public service I perform for those of you who, uh, never really got on with him...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/17/2022 at 4:54 AM, naturerhythms said:

In response to a recent heartfelt, powerful, and thought-provoking post, "Insecurities for Allos Partnered with an Ace," I replied with a list of actions I have found useful for managing my insecurities. One of them, having regularly scheduled time for physical intimacy, I expanded into a full blog article.

 

My perspective is that of someone who was previously in a long-term relationship with an asexual partner, and is now in a relationship with another allosexual partner. Insecurities that were likely exacerbated by sexual mismatch dynamics still crop up in my current relationship sometimes. (Alongside my own unique set of existing human insecurities present from a young age, of course!)

 

I hope this is useful to some who are still in mixed-orientation relationships, and also to some who have been in the past. As with ideas presented in these forums, none of the ideas in the below-linked post are substitutes for the support of a therapist.

 

"Scheduling Sexy Time for Lovemaking in Your Calendar" covers the following:

 

1 Signs you may benefit from scheduling sex

2 Why scheduling sexy time is sexy

3 Tips for planning sexy time

4 Considerations for asexual-sexual relationships

5 Even if planning sex doesn’t work, you’ll have useful data

 

This is what we do! It takes some stress and pressure away. We have some ‘code words’ for what she is okay with bringing into the session. …and I still ask for consensus. The big issue is that communication has always been difficult. Schedule and codewords helps.
 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/16/2022 at 7:54 PM, naturerhythms said:

In response to a recent heartfelt, powerful, and thought-provoking post, "Insecurities for Allos Partnered with an Ace," I replied with a list of actions I have found useful for managing my insecurities. One of them, having regularly scheduled time for physical intimacy, I expanded into a full blog article.

 

My perspective is that of someone who was previously in a long-term relationship with an asexual partner, and is now in a relationship with another allosexual partner. Insecurities that were likely exacerbated by sexual mismatch dynamics still crop up in my current relationship sometimes. (Alongside my own unique set of existing human insecurities present from a young age, of course!)

 

I hope this is useful to some who are still in mixed-orientation relationships, and also to some who have been in the past. As with ideas presented in these forums, none of the ideas in the below-linked post are substitutes for the support of a therapist.

 

"Scheduling Sexy Time for Lovemaking in Your Calendar" covers the following:

 

1 Signs you may benefit from scheduling sex

2 Why scheduling sexy time is sexy

3 Tips for planning sexy time

4 Considerations for asexual-sexual relationships

5 Even if planning sex doesn’t work, you’ll have useful data

 

I want a relationship like this 

Can this be a regular thing? 

Every time I make these type of suggestions people think I am insane 

well or OCD 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Two things: One off-topic, one on-topic.

 

1) @naturerhythms provided a stellar example of navigating an emotional topic and heated critiques, as well as a great example of correcting oneself based on novel information.  With permission, I would like to take the structure of the posts (if not the content itself) as examples for a lecture on internet communication strategies.

 

2) That being said, gods no this wouldn't work for me at all!  XD I would absolutely start dreading whatever time was established, feeling like a chore or a requirement because I try very hard to honor my word, but it's an activity I'm not interested in (even if I am not repulsed at the time).  However, I really like the idea of scheduling specific times to be intimate in other ways.  That would probably work well for me, because I like structure, and it is a marker that someone is important to me if I carve out time specifically for them.  So having something like an intentional standing date with your partner sounds very helpful in maintaining and growing a relationship.  And maybe something sexy happens, but maybe it doesn't.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
naturerhythms
On 5/17/2022 at 9:39 PM, Reindeer said:

I want a relationship like this 

Can this be a regular thing? 

Every time I make these type of suggestions people think I am insane 

well or OCD 

As with many suggestions, for some couples yes, others no. Often difficult to know until trying. The OCD opinion doesn't surprise me, given the culturally-taught expectation that good sex needs to be spontaneous.

 

23 hours ago, Aelfwin said:

@naturerhythms provided a stellar example of navigating an emotional topic and heated critiques, as well as a great example of correcting oneself based on novel information.  With permission, I would like to take the structure of the posts (if not the content itself) as examples for a lecture on internet communication strategies.

Glad to hear you found some of the content here informative on a meta level. I can't speak for others involved, but you have my permission. It sounds like very important and useful work. If you're able to share what you come up with, I'd be curious to see it.

 

23 hours ago, Aelfwin said:

That being said, gods no this wouldn't work for me at all! 

I appreciate your honesty about this. Some people seem to know up front that this just wouldn't work for them, while others may not know until giving it a try as an experiment.

 

23 hours ago, Aelfwin said:

However, I really like the idea of scheduling specific times to be intimate in other ways.

Thanks for this, too. In conjunction with the previously quoted statement, it helps to confirm the importance of some of what I've written about elsewhere (e.g., in my book) re: expanding one's definitions of physical intimacy, and in the last section of the OP article, "Even if planning doesn't work, you'll still have useful data."
 
One couple may find out that having intimate time without sex (or perhaps just with certain forms of mutually agreeable sex that they hadn't previously considered as possibilities) turns out to be enough for both of them. Another couple may find that one of them never wants sex but the other usually still does, which is frustrating for both; but it gives them another clue as they continue to explore if and how they can both be fulfilled in their existing arrangement.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...