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Older asexual men - does my story resonate with you?


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Hi,

 

I'm a 47 year old guy who came across the label "asexual" about 3 years ago and thought that it explained a lot for me. As an adolescent and young man I was romantically attracted to girls and fell deeply and madly in love with them. I often fantasized about them romantically - longing for them, pining, lying on my bed listening to bittersweet music. But I never had any sexual fantasies about the girls I fell in love with (but I did have sexual fantasies about certain other people).

 

I enjoyed kissing, making out, holding hands, snuggling up together on the sofa or on the bed. But if it went any further my body did'nt respond and I didn't get an erection. I remember thinking that I just wasn't "feeling it" - it being sexual attraction, horniness, having a sexual urge. This made me extremely anxious but the only information I could get (this was pre-Internet days) was that it was something that could happen to all guys, that it was due to performance anxiety and that you should just take it easy, go slowly and not rush for sex with your girlfriend (usesless advice for a young and confused person), and that it was called "impotence" (or "erectile dysfunction"/ED). 

 

So for years I felt completely broken, thinking that I had ED althought I could get erections on my own and could and did masturbate and look at porn and have sexual fantasies (quite a lot actually). I just accepted the fact that I had ED. In hindsight, like I mentioned before, I knew I "wasn't feeling it" when I was being intimate with my girlfriends - it wasn't as if I was horny as hell and wondering why this didn't give me an erection. I didn't feel horny at all and felt no sexual attraction, although I thought they were beatiful and found their bodies aesthetically and physically appealing.

 

Fast forward a few years - I remained a virgin until about age 27 when I managed to have a long-term relationship with my then wife and though it wasn't easy we managed to have a beautiful daughter (the natural way). We eventualy divorced and I met my current girlfriend. At this time I had come across an article about a "rebooting" - the idea was that porn and masturbating was detrimental to sexual and erectile functioning, and caused ED in many young men, especially after the advent of Internet porn. The solution, it proclaimed, was abstention from porn and masturbation for at least three months. I did this for about four months whilst at the same time being physically intimate with my girflriend and had successful sex for the first time in my life with her at age 38.

 

We're still together and have sex without any issues. However, I'm starting to wonder if I am "at heart" an asexual and that the fact that I could suddenly have succesful sex with a woman made me feel "normal" and "manly" - to her but perhaps even more to myself. It's like I needed to prove this to myself. I enjoy it most of the time but also feel I could give up sex and just have a relationship where we gave each other massages instead. To me kissing, touching and making out is enough. I feel kissing consolidates the relationship - "sealed with a kiss". I worry that I have based my current relationship too much on sex, since it made me feel normal. But when I think about having a relationship I feel that I would be perfectly happy with having a romantic and asexual one.

 

I find "heteroromantic asexual" describes me  well. I can have sexual feelings towards others  - but they are not instinctual and don't come as easily as they seem to come for others (I realized this when I was in my 20s talking to my male friends who seemed to get sexually excited from hugging a girl or from other simple things that never ever turned me on like that). 

 

When I found out about SAM (Split Attraction Model), I just thought "this is ME!" I Always knew I was attracted to girls romantically, as I said earlier, but I always had diffculties getting sexually excited or horny when I was with them. But my love for them was still just as strong and deep.

 

So even if I'm in a sexual relationship, I still feel I am mostly asexual and have lived the life of an asexual without even knowing there was a word for it (instead I felt broken for years). Being asexual seems to me to explain my failing sexuality when I was younger much more than explaining it with ED but these are complicated things and it's difficult to know yourself on the deepest levels.

 

Anyway, I was wondering if my story resonates with any other asexual men - younger or older?

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, FortySevenYearOldMan said:

But I never had any sexual fantasies about the girls I fell in love with (but I did have sexual fantasies about certain other people).

 

 

2 hours ago, FortySevenYearOldMan said:

When I found out about SAM (Split Attraction Model), I just thought "this is ME!" I Always knew I was attracted to girls romantically, as I said earlier, but I always had diffculties getting sexually excited or horny when I was with them. But my love for them was still just as strong and deep

 

2 hours ago, FortySevenYearOldMan said:

However, I'm starting to wonder if I am "at heart" an asexual and that the fact that I could suddenly have succesful sex with a woman made me feel "normal" and "manly" - to her but perhaps even more to myself. It's like I needed to prove this to myself. I enjoy it most of the time but also feel I could give up sex and just have a relationship where we gave each other massages instead

I am not a man, but thought I'd reply anyway. If you feel you are asexual and that label seems best for you then you can certainly identify that way. It sounds like you very likely could be asexual since you don't desire your girlfrinds sexually. Some asexuals do have sex to please their partner or try it out or to try to be "normal." But its about how you feel inside. Are you actually wanting this sex and desiring the sexual connection with your partner, or would you prefer not to have it?

 

I can kind of relate to some of what you're saying above. If ever I have a crush on someone in real life its more about a romantic type attraction. I don't think of myself having sex with them. I imagine us being best friends, hanging out together, comforting and supporting eachother - thats the kind of relationship I want - I feel doing anything sexual with them would be unappealing and spoil the relationship. BUT - I do still have sexual fantasies which seems contradictory I know! But my sexual fantasies are about imaginary/movie characters and never about anyone I actually like in real life. Same as how you could watch sex scenes/porn or masturbate. These seem to me just like the body satisfying some sexual urges. But I see them as seperate from what I myself actually want in a relationship. I don't know why this split occurs. Its like any sexual urges I have can only be part of an imaginary world where the people aren't real. In real life sex somehow seems gross to me and when I like someone I feel like sex with them would be wrong somehow ??

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(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi! I saw your duplicate post about wanting your thread moved to the Older Asexuals forum, so I've removed the duplicate and moved this one, there, for you, since this one, already, had replies.

 

:) If you need any help moving a thread to another forum, moderators can help you do that.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge and Alternate Language moderator

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18 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

 

 

 

I am not a man, but thought I'd reply anyway. If you feel you are asexual and that label seems best for you then you can certainly identify that way. It sounds like you very likely could be asexual since you don't desire your girlfrinds sexually. Some asexuals do have sex to please their partner or try it out or to try to be "normal." But its about how you feel inside. Are you actually wanting this sex and desiring the sexual connection with your partner, or would you prefer not to have it?

 

I can kind of relate to some of what you're saying above. If ever I have a crush on someone in real life its more about a romantic type attraction. I don't think of myself having sex with them. I imagine us being best friends, hanging out together, comforting and supporting eachother - thats the kind of relationship I want - I feel doing anything sexual with them would be unappealing and spoil the relationship. BUT - I do still have sexual fantasies which seems contradictory I know! But my sexual fantasies are about imaginary/movie characters and never about anyone I actually like in real life. Same as how you could watch sex scenes/porn or masturbate. These seem to me just like the body satisfying some sexual urges. But I see them as seperate from what I myself actually want in a relationship. I don't know why this split occurs. Its like any sexual urges I have can only be part of an imaginary world where the people aren't real. In real life sex somehow seems gross to me and when I like someone I feel like sex with them would be wrong somehow ??

Thanks for your reply. 

 

I can relate to what you describe about fantasizing. I did something similar for years.

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11 minutes ago, LeChat said:

(Below is an official, green, mod message.)

 

Hi! I saw your duplicate post about wanting your thread moved to the Older Asexuals forum, so I've removed the duplicate and moved this one, there, for you, since this one, already, had replies.

 

:) If you need any help moving a thread to another forum, moderators can help you do that.

 

LeChat,

Welcome Lounge and Alternate Language moderator

Great, thanks!

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Bob.in.maine

I am 45 AMAB, and my high school sweetheart was ready to finally go all the way (in 1992 lol).  Well, I kept going soft right when I'd try putting the condom on.  We had been doing oral and manual play for almost a year, so shyness or nervousness was not a factor.  

 

I thought about all kinds of crazy ideas why I was going soft, mostly blaming the condom, and Jen hits the proverbial nail: "maybe deep down, you just don't want to have sex, and your body is letting you know.". 

 

I have to say, a woman scorned is a woman you spend weeks or months wooing, flirting, dating, and she finally gives herself unto you to do as you will, and all of a sudden you're not interested, and you're not sure why... I had a lot of black eyes in my college years.  Too many guys and gals were led on by me, and then

 

I have had 2 fiancee ( each lived with for 3 years) and was also married for 10 years.  They all cheated on me and accused me of also cheating because of a lack of desire for them sexually.  I was unaware of this lack of desire at the time.   I really thought I was killing it in the bedroom 🤣  Not so : I loved them all so deeply, and romantically, but they had diary entries, calendars marked with x's,  and even charts and graphs keeping track of the very sporadic sex.  All were years apart, with an eerily parallel storyline that ended with me being told how I am not like "all the other guys".  

 

Years later, the idea that I really didn't want sex deep down inside was what made the most sense.  I feel like most of my life was wasted either tring to fit in and be like how I thought I was supposed to be, or just sitting around alone.  

 

The flip side is every failed relationship I have had resulted equally from my partners believing they could change me, as much as my own idea that I was heterosexual  simply because nothing else seemed obvious.   

 

 

 

 

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