Waiting for the one

[foodie]

When I initially joined the board, I think admitted that I was uncertain about whether I was an asexual or not. After some time away from the board, I realize that I'm more of a celibate than an asexual.

I'm a 24 year old virgin (never been in any sort of relationship) and, for the longest time, had been repulsed at the thought of sexual contact. The thought would make my skin crawl and those feelings deterred me from getting close to males. The minute I sensed they might be interested in asking me out, I would just avoid them.

Now, I'm getting to a point in my life where I would like to date and meet someone special. There's a part of me that wants to experience a physical side to a relationship. I want the whole package. The thing is, I plan to approach this in an old-fashioned way.

Problem is, everyone is just sleeping around nowadays, after only a few dates. Ugh! I want to develop a strong, long-lasting friendship and emotional bond with someone. I'm willing to wait for the right guy.

I've never shared these thoughts with any of my friends because, most of them-- both male and female-- whine about not getting laid or whatever.

I'm not asking any questions to the board, specifically. I'm just sharing my experience so that maybe someone out there is going through the same thing.

[Zealous]

Well, I can very much relate.

I've joined these boards, become a serious activist, and am still in a similar doubtful phase to the one that you described, so don't feel alone. It's perfectly possible that I'll end up in exactly the same boat as you.

I'd like to note that sleeping around and the type of relationship you've mentioned aren't mutually exclusive. Right now, I have a close friend with the complaint was that, while she does sleep around, she's never slept with someone she truly liked, and that she never experienced notable physical or emotional pleasure during sexual activity. She is currently looking for a partner dedicated to a longer term, emotionally more engaging relationship.

I apologize for speaking about my own life, I do it only to prove that you are not alone, and what you seek does exist.

[Hallucigenia]

she never experienced notable physical or emotional pleasure during sexual activity

Then why does she do it?

Sorry if that's out of line, I'm just genuinely baffled.

[cijay]

She is currently looking for a partner dedicated to a longer term, emotionally more engaging relationship.

...and doesn't mind someone who sleeps around ;)

[foodie]

Thanks for your post!

It's reassuring to know there are other folks who believe that such a relationship is possible. I've encountered so many people who are pessimistic and discouraging.

[Ice Faerie]

Its not impossible. There people like me, who stay away from sex for other reasons (one being love, and the other being that 2 of my 3 siblings have had accidental pregnancies, and I think it'll happen to the third quite soon, and I am not incapable of learning from their experiences)

Two of my best friends (although I've lost touch w/ them since I've moved) decided that they would remain virgins until marriage. I think they both had groups they were in that supported that, they had either bracelets or necklaces or rings, can't remember which, that symbolized their decision, kind've cool.

Most people are supportive of decisions not to have random sex, or to have no sex, if you put it to them in the right light. And there are many people who are willing to accept that in a relationship, or have similar ideas, they just usually aren't as outspoken about it, so don't give up.

[scamper]

I'd like to note that sleeping around and the type of relationship you've mentioned aren't mutually exclusive. Right now, I have a close friend with the complaint was that, while she does sleep around, she's never slept with someone she truly liked, and that she never experienced notable physical or emotional pleasure during sexual activity. She is currently looking for a partner dedicated to a longer term, emotionally more engaging relationship.

Just to chime in from the other side of the sexual coin (pardon the awkward turn of phrase). I'm not sure if I'd describe my own behaviour during my 20s as "sleeping around" because there are a lot of negative connotations to that term that I don't think apply to my experiences. I had a series of extremely positive, satisfying (emotionally and physically) sexual encounters with people I wasn't interested in having a serious, long term relationship, but I knew I'd be open to the possibility of one if the right person came along.

Then, three years ago, I met that person. Even though we'd both had sexual experiences before meeting each other, we took things slow, got to know each other and developed that special bond. Now, we're happily married, and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Basically, all I'm trying to say is, if you want a meaningful relationship with someone, then it should be someone who shares your outlook on life and your values. They should respect and support your decisions and your approach to your sexuality, whatever it may be. I think that kind of acceptance and respect is the truest test of whether you've found the "right" partner.

And don't worry, guys (and girls) who are willing to wait for the right person are out there. They might seem few and far between, but they exist!

[Shouri]

Good for you!

You're not alone, really. There's so much out there that says you 'should be sleeping around' like you said your friends do. But in truth, it's an overexaggeration that sadly is being translated into what 'normal' people do. In truth, there are alot more people like you thank you think. I know several, and it's a pity that the world can't respect them more for doing that.

The world portrays things far from 'normal'... unfortunately, the younger generations are getting told that this is the way things are.

You shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to wait for the right person. Too many people have regretted throwing away their virginity too early. It's up to you to decide when it's right, not society.

So power to you, keep believing!

[foodie]

Wow, I posted this thread when I was 24! I'll be turning 26 in June and I'm still a virgin.

But some things have happened since then.

CONDENSED VERSION (WARNING SOME GRAPHIC MATERIAL):

From February to April of this year, I fell in love with a man. Albeit a 40ish year old man, but I found him physically attractive and intellectually stimulating. We had a completely platonic relationship until mid-April. We both had a little too much to drink one evening and we went back to his apartment. For some stupid reason, I assumed that we would just spend the rest of the evening talking.

We were in front of the fireplace, fully clothed, on the floor, and he said, "L---, I think that we should kiss."

I was so flustered by the statement that I froze up and got a little nervous, "M---, I can't, I don't know, I can't move this fast, metabolically it's not my rhythm."

He started making the moves on me. "Oh come on!" he said as he touched my legs, and neck, and surrounded me. He kissed me, but not on the lips.

My brain wanted to go with it, but my body was unresponsive. That is not to say that I didn't feel aroused by his touches, but that I was just nervous. I wasn't MENTALLY prepared and being on the floor just didn't help me feel comfortable.

"L--, we don't have to have sex. Let's just kiss." he said.

"I just can't, M-. I just can't." I said, flustered, even though I desperately wanted to do so, but at the same time wishing he would change the subject.

"Well, let's just lay down here. Come. Lay down with me" he said. Fully clothed, on the floor, on a sleeping bag of sorts.

I did.

He tried to kiss me, but I resisted again. Nervous laughter all the way.

We were both on our backs and he began to caress me- not my breasts or vagina-- just touching me and wrapping his legs around mine.

Before I knew it, he was on top of me, still fully clothed, in what I guess could be described as simulating sex (grinding). He rubbed himself on me and kissed my neck and a bit lower and on my stomach because my shirt had came up a little bit.

All the while, there I was, completely unresponsive and embarassed yet very aroused, and feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I held my right arm close to my chest, as a sort of barrier in preventing him from completely wrapping his arms around me. He asked, "Put your arms around me", but I told him I just couldn't.

It's a miracle that he maintained his erection because every so often, I said things that would in any other circumstance kill the mood. "Ugh, this is awkward!" "I'm sorry, M---" (in reference to my unresponsiveness) and "This is all wrong" (in reaction to the emptyness of his living room which didn't make me feel very relaxed).

After this, which lasted about an hour or two, he said that we should get some rest. Problem is, I was completely wired up and couldn't. We talked a bit and then he asked if I wanted to catch a cab back to my apartment. I said yes and he walked me out...the walk of shame.

That was my first physical interaction, ever.

1st POST-EXPERIENCE REACTION: On my way to my apartment I felt completely awful. I had continued to tell him "Sorry" that night...Sorry that I was not responding. I sent him an email promising him that I would be more relaxed next time if he didn't rush me and that I did enjoy what he was doing despite feeling rather awkward and embarassed by it all.

2nd POST-EXPERIENCE REACTION: I hated that he did what he did. That he rushed us into a sexual situation when I was visibly uncomfortable and very shy. That he rubbed his gender on me despite the fact that I couldn't even kiss him.

I feel very crappy about this and I hate him for doing this to me. I feel that a real man, one that truly respected and loved me would've put his own pleasure aside and not rushed me into this situation. I wasn't prepared to kiss much less have him on top of me-- our relationship up to that point was completely platonic. He moved way too quickly for me. I really feel that if anything else I would've been very open to simply holding each other and hugging. Perhaps things would've progressed from there to kissing. I'll never know though.

Needless to say, I have been emotionally distraught since that night, especially since he has been out of the area for three weeks and I suspect that he lied about his marital status and is married. I also, bizarrely enough, have strong romantic feelings for him (probably because this was my first physical interaction, I guess). Again, I hated the way he went about it, but I did feel sexual arousal from his actions.

This was not how I wanted my first physical experience to be, though.

I have yet to experience my first romantic kiss/make-out and any sort of real sex.

SEXUALS OUT THERE...Don't rush an asexual/shy/inexperienced virgin. Listen to them, be mindful of their body language.

I'v learned a lot from this experience and I'm jumping back into the dating scene again, baby steps. I still hold out hope to find a man who truly loves and respects me and will be patient with me.

...that's what I've been up to! Hope this helps anyone out there going through the same thing or who has been through a similar experience. You're not alone.

...still waiting for THE ONE.

[foodie]

Heh. I was re-reading my most recent post and my signature quote (which I chose a couple years ago when I joined the board and completely forgot about) cracked me up a bit...

[BunnyK.]

It sucks that your first experience was so awkward. :( And you're right, someone truly respectful would have stopped the *first* time you said no.

But it's a learning experience (Oh no, not one of those!) - next time, you'll know to be a little more assertive. If the guy doesn't stop fast enough for you, you need to give him a definitive No! and push him away. Otherwise, you'll be setting yourself up for more experiences like the one you just had. Not that this is the way it *should* be, but a lot of times in that kind of situation, people (both men and women) will respond better to very clear verbal instructions and body language. If you give someone wiggle room to "hear what they want to hear", there's a chance they will do just that and go farther than you are comfortable with.

On the other hand, you learned that you can be aroused by physical experiences! That's something worth knowing.

Good luck and enforce those boundaries from now on!

[foodie]

You're so right. I should have been more assertive and I do recognize my error in agreeing to go to his apartment because it was misleading. I should've made it clear that I would not go if he had other intentions besides just talking. I feel like, now in retrospect, that was his main goal of the evening-- as we only drank that evening and my judgement, as a result, was poor. Had I been sober, I would've parted ways with him at the end of our date and headed home.

I guess I'm most hurt that he obviously didn't feel as strongly for me as I do for him. The fact that he was (and still is) very evasive about his marital status. He's actually still stringing me along in that we are in regular email contact-- well, ironically, until this past Thursday he has stopped writing regularly... I asked him if he was indeed divorced or not...hm. What I want, honestly, is closure. I feel like he's robbing me of that. I just wish he'd come out and just say, "Look, I'm still involved with my wife." It would hurt my feelings, but honestly I would take a deep breath and say, "OK, it took you a while to finally get around to telling me that, but thank you for being honest." I'm just the type of person that needs closure- it'll be tough to look back on this situation in the future without ever having any confirmation on that.

Anyway, I've learned through this experience that I do have a capacy for deep emotion and that I am very willing and capable of learning how to love with the right person.

[SorryNotSorry]

When I initially joined the board, I think admitted that I was uncertain about whether I was an asexual or not. After some time away from the board, I realize that I'm more of a celibate than an asexual.

I'm a 24 year old virgin (never been in any sort of relationship) and, for the longest time, had been repulsed at the thought of sexual contact. The thought would make my skin crawl and those feelings deterred me from getting close to males. The minute I sensed they might be interested in asking me out, I would just avoid them.

Now, I'm getting to a point in my life where I would like to date and meet someone special. There's a part of me that wants to experience a physical side to a relationship. I want the whole package. The thing is, I plan to approach this in an old-fashioned way.

Problem is, everyone is just sleeping around nowadays, after only a few dates. Ugh! I want to develop a strong, long-lasting friendship and emotional bond with someone. I'm willing to wait for the right guy.

I've never shared these thoughts with any of my friends because, most of them-- both male and female-- whine about not getting laid or whatever.

I'm not asking any questions to the board, specifically. I'm just sharing my experience so that maybe someone out there is going through the same thing.

I'm a 40-yo man who's in a similar situation. It's been my experience that sexually active people just do their thing because they have a rep to protect (however little they may actually want sex at any given time), but if they were really man or woman enough, they'd be frank about wanting a relationship based on friendship instead of avoiding it like the plague. Take hookups, for example... people who do the hookup thing think they're really scoring and getting satisfaction from it. Maybe a few do, but people who've done hookups for any length of time usually end up admitting that they feel even lonelier afterward than before they started doing hookups.

Part of the reason I don't have a gf or a wife (yet) is because I'm very matter-of-fact about emotional intimacy, but I'm supposed to just drop subtle hints. People are not used to someone who tells it like it is.

[foodie]

I'm a 40-yo man who's in a similar situation. It's been my experience that sexually active people just do their thing because they have a rep to protect (however little they may actually want sex at any given time), but if they were really man or woman enough, they'd be frank about wanting a relationship based on friendship instead of avoiding it like the plague. Take hookups, for example... people who do the hookup thing think they're really scoring and getting satisfaction from it. Maybe a few do, but people who've done hookups for any length of time usually end up admitting that they feel even lonelier afterward than before they started doing hookups.

Part of the reason I don't have a gf or a wife (yet) is because I'm very matter-of-fact about emotional intimacy, but I'm supposed to just drop subtle hints. People are not used to someone who tells it like it is.

Which, I think, was my dilemme in this situation-- I prefer clear-cut, direct answers and this particular man is incredibly evasive (and a lawyer to boot). I poured my heart out to him-- told him that I genuinely liked him, but did not know how he felt about me. I even asked him, "What are your intentions?" a few days after that night because I hated that our relationship was at that point in a gray area. He always manages to avoid all direct questions by beating around the bush or simply altering the conversation ever so slightly.

This man was all about mixed messages and never being clear about anything. Had I been more experienced in dating, I would've spotted the red flags and stopped seeing him. It would've spared me thousands of tears and unnecessary heartache.

[bbctv]

i'm hoping for a relationship too, one that's serious with someone i can really relate to, just my problem is meeting people. i work lousy hours (second shift) and then on top of that, i have like, three friends in the town where i live and i just don't know how to go about meeting people. i try just talking to people i meet but i really don't think i'd work with very many women. nothing against anybody, but i need to have the right things in common with someone. (having to go out on your own where you can't depend on a group of friends is difficult - back when i had more people around that i knew it was a LOT easier since i could meet people THROUGH people, and also i could sort of invite someone to hang out with a GROUP of people and not just me, which sort of makes things easier.)

argh, there's me whining again. gotta stop that.

also, on boundaries, be VERY firm with them, and if somebody doesn't respect them or doesn't seem apologetic about it, tell them to f*** off.

[foodie]

Definitely need to work on boundaries.

Such a conflicting evening, that was: on one hand, I liked him so much-- but on the other hand, he truly did not set a romantic setting and didn't keep in mind that I had never been in a relationship- no real attempt on his part to truly help me relax. He knew I was a virgin too. Disappointment in that what could have been a special evening-- instead of drinking, we could've went to a romantic restaurant or something along those lines to put me into a mood. He really didn't put much thought into it. He just wanted to see how far he could go.

Bleah- I've cried way too many tears over this as it is.

I guess it's easy to say that I'll jump back into the dating scene again. In reality, it isn't!

I feel like I need to do things to make myself more comfortable with my body and sexuality. This sounds silly, but I'm considering attending a few tango beginners classes. I figure, it's a perfect way to experience closeness with someone for a few minutes at a time while having fun.

[A Rip In My Cocoon]

Before I knew it, he was on top of me, still fully clothed, in what I guess could be described as simulating sex (grinding). He rubbed himself on me and kissed my neck and a bit lower and on my stomach because my shirt had came up a little bit.

All the while, there I was, completely unresponsive and embarassed yet very aroused, and feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I held my right arm close to my chest, as a sort of barrier in preventing him from completely wrapping his arms around me. He asked, "Put your arms around me", but I told him I just couldn't.

It's a miracle that he maintained his erection because every so often, I said things that would in any other circumstance kill the mood. "Ugh, this is awkward!" "I'm sorry, M---" (in reference to my unresponsiveness) and "This is all wrong" (in reaction to the emptyness of his living room which didn't make me feel very relaxed).

After this, which lasted about an hour or two, he said that we should get some rest. Problem is, I was completely wired up and couldn't. We talked a bit and then he asked if I wanted to catch a cab back to my apartment. I said yes and he walked me out...the walk of shame.

That was my first physical interaction, ever.

1st POST-EXPERIENCE REACTION: On my way to my apartment I felt completely awful. I had continued to tell him "Sorry" that night...Sorry that I was not responding. I sent him an email promising him that I would be more relaxed next time if he didn't rush me and that I did enjoy what he was doing despite feeling rather awkward and embarassed by it all.

2nd POST-EXPERIENCE REACTION: I hated that he did what he did. That he rushed us into a sexual situation when I was visibly uncomfortable and very shy. That he rubbed his gender on me despite the fact that I couldn't even kiss him.

Needless to say, I have been emotionally distraught since that night, especially since he has been out of the area for three weeks and I suspect that he lied about his marital status and is married. I also, bizarrely enough, have strong romantic feelings for him (probably because this was my first physical interaction, I guess). Again, I hated the way he went about it, but I did feel sexual arousal from his actions.

I am so so so so angry at this dude right now. I have been...er... taken advantage of also, not exactly in the same way, but I know how it feels and I really just want to hurt him.... and I don't even know you! ^_^

You have no right to apologize to him. At all. I also know what it's like to feel like YOU are the one in the wrong but very very obviously you are not.

And I am truly sorry that your first physical experience was such a pile of turd :(

[Brit_in_Canada]

I can understand the negative reaction, especially the experience of having someone 'pressing' their aroused member against you, Foodie. However, I would be ecstatic if somebody were to do this to me, fully clothed, preferably without the arousal on their part, which I would have to 'blot out' as part of the 'compromise'.

It is very frustrating in clubs seeing attractive people 'horseplaying', i.e. kicking their friends up the bum and grabbing their crotch. It is all just playful, but they won't do it to a complete stranger in clubs in Vancouver, unless they're old, fat and gross, whereas they will in London clubs, especially after a few drinks. I don't get aroused by it, but do crave it and wish people were a little less reserved here ;) .

If somebody is trying exceedingly hard to make it happen, I can become mildly aroused. But it feels acutely 'odd', rather like a dream in which you find yourself in the supermarket completely naked. Accordingly, I understand exactly the confusion you experienced.

[foodie]

Thanks for your thoughts, a rip.

In retrospect, it was insane of ME to be the one at apologizing that night. When I confronted him about the wrongness of that evening and that it was HE who should've been sorry for putting me in such a compromising situation, he said, "I know and I'll be honest that if you had not mentioned anything, I would've never even brought up that night at all."

However, I would be ecstatic if somebody were to do this to me, fully clothed, preferably without the arousal on their part, which I would have to 'blot out' as part of the 'compromise'.

And I agree-- the fully clothed bit was enjoyable . The situation could've been better, in terms of how he went about it of course, but overall, in terms of the physicality of it, I enjoyed it a lot. For my part, I was inwardly comfortable with myself. If I could do it all over again.

The positives: I enjoyed the closeness and the feeling him on me. It's something I had never experienced at all. At that time, he felt so strong and confident yet so tender.

The arousal bit didn't bother me-- in fact, I confess, I quite liked it a lot-- it was just the rushed nature of it that bothered me UGH! I wish there had been more lead-up before that and consideration for my uncertainty and timidity.

Well, on the positive side, he has emailed me after a few days and he will explain his current predicament (re marital status). I'm relieved that he's actually acting like a man and is going to explain aspect of his life, finally. At the very least I deserve that much. If we remain as friends, that would be fine with me.

I hate when things are left open-ended.

[Brit_in_Canada]

Thanks for your thoughts, a rip.

In retrospect, it was insane of ME to be the one at apologizing that night. When I confronted him about the wrongness of that evening and that it was HE who should've been sorry for putting me in such a compromising situation, he said, "I know and I'll be honest that if you had not mentioned anything, I would've never even brought up that night at all."

However, I would be ecstatic if somebody were to do this to me, fully clothed, preferably without the arousal on their part, which I would have to 'blot out' as part of the 'compromise'.

And I agree-- the fully clothed bit was enjoyable . The situation could've been better, in terms of how he went about it of course, but overall, in terms of the physicality of it, I enjoyed it a lot. For my part, I was inwardly comfortable with myself. If I could do it all over again.

The positives: I enjoyed the closeness and the feeling him on me. It's something I had never experienced at all. At that time, he felt so strong and confident yet so tender.

The arousal bit didn't bother me-- in fact, I confess, I quite liked it a lot-- it was just the rushed nature of it that bothered me UGH! I wish there had been more lead-up before that and consideration for my uncertainty and timidity.

Well, on the positive side, he has emailed me after a few days and he will explain his current predicament (re marital status). I'm relieved that he's actually acting like a man and is going to explain aspect of his life, finally. At the very least I deserve that much. If we remain as friends, that would be fine with me.

I hate when things are left open-ended.

Well, I hope it works out for the best, Foodie. It may turn out that he was just a bit 'desperate' and had to get it out of his system. Perhaps on the next occasion he shall be more inclined toward establishing how he can get you to stay, rather than drive you away. Best of luck :) .

[foodie]

Thanks to all the replies that have been posted since my last message on this thread!

A bit of an update with me, for anyone curious.

I'm still, shamefully in communication (albeit via email and very platonically) with the man who I mentioned above. I guess it's difficult to get over the situation. For crying out loud, my first boyfriend was a married man! :| Not only that, but he was 20 years my senior. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to achieve by staying in communication with him. Despite all the nonsense he put me through, I guess a small part of me wishes that he would leave his wife for me. Fat chance of that happening. Hell, I'd sooner be hit by lightening. So, yeah, I'm disappointed that my first experience was with someone I will not spend the rest of my life with. Meh. Oh well. Upwards and onwards.

I'm dating someone new. Ironically, he's 45. We've been seeing each other for the past three weeks-- relationship is still in its infancy. I like him; he's a gentleman compared to the above man. At this point, we've only kissed each other on the cheek. He's very touchy feely-- if we're walking, he'll let his arm brush up against mine. Things like that.

Based on my past experience, I now have a very good idea of what sexuals think, in terms of the dating process. With each date, I should expect our level of 'physical interaction' to increase in some way, shape, or form. I guess this is the part that makes me the most nervous. If I get the sense that this new guy is trying to rush me and that he is not concerned with my own comfort, I'll stop seeing him.

Anyway, that's my update!

I'll post up any new developments.

[sonofzeal]

Great! Best of luck! Do make sure you send the right signals though - moving away ever so slightly when he gets too touchy, things like that. But you already know that, right? :P

[foodie]

Great! Best of luck! Do make sure you send the right signals though - moving away ever so slightly when he gets too touchy, things like that. But you already know that, right? :P

Too true! Too true!

Another update-- about two months since my last one.

I dated that new person I mentioned in my previous post up until a couple weeks ago. About two months together, roughly.

Things were progressing nicely until our third date. At that point, we just kissed each other on the cheek. Anyway, we were in the subway towards the end of our third date and he grabbed my hand, playfully. I very jokingly, nervously, said, "Hey!" He told me that he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. He wasn't. I just didn't know how to react to this, so I resorted to sarcasm. I liked the way he touched my hand, but I didn't know whether he was preparing to kiss me in a more romantic manner or what. Ugh, I left that date feeling that I should've just left my hand as is.

Predictably, it was two weeks until we saw each other again. When we did, I explained to him that yes, I do like him, but that I'm very much a late bloomer and it's taking me a while to get comfortable in my own skin.

He said he understood, but that it's frustrating for him because, as he put it, "I want to hug you, and hold your hand, and kiss you."

After that point, he continued to say he liked me, but it seemed like since he knew I wasn't going to put out immediately, there was no need for him to see me often.

Ah, our last date, a few weeks ago, if I can even call it a date, we just hung out at an apartment of his friends. I should've known not to go up there, but I did anyway because I assumed we were just popping in to feed his friend's cat. Well, we were on the coach and we did hold hands playfully. That was fun. Sort of silly. I liked it. I noticed that when we were doing this, he rested his hand, well, right around his crotch area. Not directly on it, but just above it. I suppose he was trying to see if I would pull away from his hand. I didn't. There was no reason to.

He wanted to kiss, and we almost got to it, but I pulled away. I didn't feel pressured, but he wanted me to initiate it and, well, that's a tough thing to ask for from me because I'm...a late bloomer, for crying out loud (he didn't ask directly, but his body language suggested it)! Our lips touched for a few seconds, but I pulled away and said, "I can't."

I just didn't feel comfortable doing anything with him in that apartment. Why? We had been seeing each other fairly infrequently. If I'm going to be physically intimate with someone, AND I DO, even though I'm a bit terrified at the thought (performance anxiety, truth be told) , I need to spend a considerable amount of time with someone (in terms of just hanging out and whatnot), to develop a high level of comfort. That's the only way I feel I can approach the physical.

I broke up with him on these grounds-- That I felt that even though he said he liked me a lot, I wasn't a particularly important person in his life because I was put on the backburner when it came to his friends on three or four occasions. C'est la vie. I don't regret meeting him, I feel that I've learned a hell of a lot from this experience.

So...back in the dating pool again! A couple new people have entered my life recently. I hope something develops before the end of the summer!

[JustJudy]

If you were my daughter I'd tell you to stop going out with such older men. When a 40-45 yr old heterosexual male meets a 20 something woman their primary if not only interest is sex PERIOD. 99.9% of those men over 40 want to make it with a young chick just to prove to themselves and/or their friends that they still "got it", and yes a lot of them are going to be married men who are looking to cheat; and add your virginity to mix and you'd be quite the accomplishment for them. They also look to younger woman because very often woman over 40 start to lose interest in sex and they think all young women are sex crazed. I've had a lot of experience with these men, heck maybe they are the reason I'm asexual... :twisted:

Whatever you do don't let anyone rush you into anything intimate nor sexual until YOU are ready, and if they aren't willing to wait for YOU then you are better off without them.

JJ

[happylife]

I broke up with him on these grounds-- That I felt that even though he said he liked me a lot, I wasn't a particularly important person in his life because I was put on the backburner when it came to his friends on three or four occasions. C'est la vie. I don't regret meeting him, I feel that I've learned a hell of a lot from this experience.

So...back in the dating pool again! A couple new people have entered my life recently. I hope something develops before the end of the summer!

Good for you! Think you did the right thing. Reading your post I felt like there was something not right about him.

Good luck with the next real relationship!! Hopefully before the end of the summer. :D

[foodie]

If you were my daughter I'd tell you to stop going out with such older men. When a 40-45 yr old heterosexual male meets a 20 something woman their primary if not only interest is sex PERIOD. 99.9% of those men over 40 want to make it with a young chick just to prove to themselves and/or their friends that they still "got it", and yes a lot of them are going to be married men who are looking to cheat; and add your virginity to mix and you'd be quite the accomplishment for them. They also look to younger woman because very often woman over 40 start to lose interest in sex and they think all young women are sex crazed. I've had a lot of experience with these men, heck maybe they are the reason I'm asexual... :twisted:

Whatever you do don't let anyone rush you into anything intimate nor sexual until YOU are ready, and if they aren't willing to wait for YOU then you are better off without them.

JJ

Thanks for your advice, Judy, and you're totally right!!! My parents, weirdly enough, don't mind the age issue. Their mode of thinking, 'If he (whoever that may be) treats you right, that's all that matters.' Now, when I broke up with this most recent person, my mother said, 'Y'know, I think this was a good thing. He seems like a nice guy, just not for you.' My mother's subtle way of saying...'I didn't like the stuff you were telling me...good riddance to him!'

I guess I've been gravitating towards the 40-something set because I've always been under this bizarre assumption that...well, with age comes maturity. I've with these two men that is NOT the case. In subtle ways, this has been revealed to me.

I guess the only thing that really appeals to me about this age set is that they are far more settled and comfortable in their own skin. And over the bar/hook-up scene, which I hate. I don't mind going to a bar with friends, but to meet someone? Yuck!

I would like to date someone my own age (even 30-somethings), I'm 26, but I'm afraid that with their horomones on overdrive, they'll be less than patient with me and just dump me after the second or third date.

I'll try my darndest to mingle with guys around my own age. See the differences and hopefully I'll be proven wrong.

Good for you! Think you did the right thing. Reading your post I felt like there was something not right about him.

Good luck with the next real relationship!! Hopefully before the end of the summer. :D

Thanks!! I'm taking everything as a learning experience.

Cripes, there's got to be a patient man out there for me!

Back in the pool! And I'll provide updates as usual!

[Ruka]

I'm glad you stopped seeing both those men. I'm younger than you are, but I agree with JustJudy; older men dating younger women usually just want into some pants (or skirt, but you get my point).

I'm also waiting for Mr. Patient, though I seem to fare a little better with physical contact. (My best friend got me used to it about 5-6 years ago. She's very touchy-feely in general, even with friends, but practices strict abstinence and is quite straight, so I guess I learned to trust in hugs, which leads to finding comfort in cuddles. It helped when I got a boyfriend last year, because he liked cuddling and so I got used to it very quickly. Almost as quickly as the relationship ended, but that was for different reasons. Sorry, getting sidetracked somewhat.)

As for me...I prefer to lay my limits down on the table in the beginning. Though...I've only ended up in one relationship, so I suppose I shouldn't be talking, huh? <_<

Anyway, I really hope you do find the right guy, since it sounds somewhat similar to what I'm looking for.

[foodie]

It doesn't help that I live in NYC-- the dating scene here moves so fast for someone like me-- and it doesn't matter the age. 20-something, 30-something, 40-something..etc...they want to get into bed ASAP. Just today I wa out on a first date with someone and he invited me to his apartment! I literally said, "What kind of woman do you think I am?!" I said it jokingly, but he got the point. His response, "We can hang out for a bit and I can show you photos of my trip to somesuch place!"

Riiiight. Other than that, awesome date, btw.

I'm also waiting for Mr. Patient, though I seem to fare a little better with physical contact. (My best friend got me used to it about 5-6 years ago. She's very touchy-feely in general, even with friends, but practices strict abstinence and is quite straight, so I guess I learned to trust in hugs, which leads to finding comfort in cuddles. It helped when I got a boyfriend last year, because he liked cuddling and so I got used to it very quickly. Almost as quickly as the relationship ended, but that was for different reasons. Sorry, getting sidetracked somewhat.)

See, that's what I lack. I need practice with the basics. Hugging. Embracing. Hand-holding.

Anyway, I really hope you do find the right guy, since it sounds somewhat similar to what I'm looking for.

Ditto!!!

[foodie]

As mentioned in my previous post, I went on a date with a guy who...wanted to take me to his apartment. He wanted to have sex on our first date because I mistakenly joked to him previously that 'rainstorms' turn me on. It was rainy during our date and he whispered in my ear, "How is the weather affecting you?"

Well, anyway, other than those suggestive moments, it wa an awesome date. I hope that we go out again. I need interactions like this. And he excites me.

I'm dating someone else-- he's a romantic type. I love everything about him. We talk about everything. We're getting to know each other at this point. Things are on hold while he takes an intensive course in VA for the next two weeks. We'll be keeping in touch via phone and email until he returns.

[foodie]

Ugh. I feel like I'll never feel completely comfortable with the opposite sex. No matter how much I desperately want to.

Recent dating attempts?

A

I went out on two dates with him. The first was absolutely fantastic. The second was just as fantastic...until I accidentally mentioned that I was a virgin. Well, not directly, but he put two and two together when I said that I had never had a significant relationship with anyone. He told me that going without sex at my age (26) is unnatural and that I've been denying myself of a form of absolute pleasure. Then, in typical male fashion, he questioned my sexuality. Err, I'm very much straight. Then, he said that he's a 'horny guy' and he wouldn't wait long to have sex with anyone. In other words, he was no longer interested in me. Which was fine by me-- I sure as hell don't want to be involved with someone who wouldn't be patient. Towards the end of our date, at night, as we walked, he said that he was endeared to me...err, and then proceeded to give me a bit of a crash course on how couples act in public..."Put your arm around me as I walk." and he did the same to me. Then he stopped and said, "OK, now let's hug...smell my neck...smell my hair." Then he did the same to me. I thought it was all enjoyable, but I could sense that he was hoping to do all of this because he wanted to take me to his apartment. Well, lo and behold, I was right! After 20 minutes of doing this sort of groping at night (he had the wandering hand, not me), while walking, he said, "Here's my apartment, why don't you come inside?"

Well, I wanted to, but then I didn't want to. For starters, 1) I barely know him and two) I can't go from 0 to 60. He then became a bit insultive. "You seriously need to see a therapist...people do this all the time" and "You're not thinking about me. You're disappointing me. This is a two way street." and "Look, you're really going to regret this if you walk away." and "You really are afraid" After a few minutes of trying to convince me that I should go into his building, he said, "Look, come in or I'm going to shut the door." I pivoted, skipped down the three steps of his apartment building and walked away. Called up my aunt and told her what happened. She said I did the right thing.

WHEW.

L

I wasn't physically attracted to him, but we went out on two dates. They were great dates. Such a gentleman, but I couldn't get beyond the non-mutual attraction. Our hello & goodbye kisses were a bit awkward, all my fault. Ugh. Our final date ended on an awkward note and I know I won't be seeing him again because I've emailed him an explanation for my awkwardness (that I'm a late bloomer, etc) and he hasn't responded at all. Basically, we were in the cab and he asked if he could hold my hand. I resisted and said that it was metabolically not my rythm. In our previous discussions (both in person & via email) he was a bit suggestive and bold, so I know he was hoping for more. Well, in the cab, I said that he should know that I'm not promiscuous. I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with him not calling or emailing me back since Thursday...c'est la vie.

MEH.

I don't regret these experiences because I realized a few things. Even though the first guy, A, turned out to be an asshole, he exposed me to aspects of physical touch that I hadn't experienced up to this point-- literally a few days ago. The holding, embracing, the smelling of his hair and neck. Vice versa. Feeling his 5 o'clock shadow rub up against me. I wish I could have experienced for longer than just 20 minutes.

Back into the dating pool.