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Oh my God...what to do?


oncewas

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About eight months ago I met a man who seemed to be all I had ever wanted. And he is...except for one, huge issue. He is asexual. And I am seriously sexual.

We are compatible on every level...more so than I can even believe.

Emotionally, spiritually, intellectually...totally in synch.

I love this man. He loves me. But I feel lost and abandoned by his lack of sexual desire. He knows that I "need" sex, and so tries to accomodate my desires--but he does not understand that the need is not purely physical. He does not understand the merging and bonding of two souls that happens during sex. He just knows that if we don't have some kind of sex periodically, I am likely to become "irrationally" angry and depressed. But lately I have decided that masturbation is a more satisfactory alternative to the spurious "sex" that is the only kind he can give.

As long as sex is out of the equation all is well. It is only after one of our disastrous attempts to have sex that I feel that I just cannot deal with the situation anymore. I don't feel loved if what I am feeling ( sexually ) is not reciprocated. I only feel hurt and rejected. But nothing else I've ever known has even come close to the compatibility in all other areas that I have with him..... I just don't know what to do.

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Freed_Spirit

Oh oncewas, here is a *hug*. Welcome to AVEN, you will find many people here who are in your situation and can understand your hurt. I'm so sorry! I have experienced this the other way around - I'm an asexual female and have dearly loved my partners, wonderful guys that I clicked with on every level - except one. Always the sex disparity caused enormous pain. It is only through this forum that I have come to understand what sex means to a sexual person. It seems that there really is a huge difference in the way asexuals perceive sex. I can only say what other have said (better) before me - that your boyfriend's asexuality does not affect how much he loves you, only how he expresses it, and any rejection you feel is not a deliberate rejection of you as a person. I know it feels that way though! If it would help to pm me, please feel free.

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I dunno... you might find someone good in bed who is a jerk otherwise... Wish I could help yah. Good luck.

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Well if masturbation is satisfactory to you I think that would be the answer.

Of course sharing these thoughts and feelings with your partner is important too.

He does not understand the merging and bonding of two souls that happens during sex.

Believe me when I say (and I think I speak for most if not all asexuals) that I REALLY REAALLY don't get it. Every time I've had sex it has been the exact opposite for me. The tearing apart of souls.

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Firstly, congrats to him for being open about his asexuality! Always a nice thing to hear.

Now as far as your relationship, it's a tough one, but I'm sure it's something you can overcome. Your desire for sex is built on a number of things, including social norms. You, as virtually every human in the western world, have been conditioned to believe sex is the fundemental aspect of relationships and the activity which bonds couples together. You need to change your way of thinking. Sex is no doubt important to sexual people, but intimacy is about spiritual connectivity, this can be attained by sitting up together, cuddling and watching the sun come up. I'd challenge anyone to do that then tell me that a fumble in the backseat is more intimate.

The only thing which cannot be achieved via non-sexual relationships is sexual pleasure through intercourse. There are others ways of achieving this though. Does he perform oral sex? What about sex toys? Does he compromise, does he have sex with you someimes? Does he raise any objections to you seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere, or do you feel against that yourself?

Everyone is different, and not all relationships are alike. With a bit of give and take, I'm sure you guys can work to a happy medium and have a very happy life together. I wish you both well.

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"Your desire for sex is built on a number of things, including social norms. You, as virtually every human in the western world, have been conditioned to believe sex is the fundamental aspect of relationships and the activity which bonds couples together. You need to change your way of thinking."

On the one hand, I agree with you on the above. But then, I'm asexual, so sex isn't important to me. In fact, sex doesn't really exist in my universe, until I turn on the lousy TV and see nothing but smut...

And on the other hand... Not everyone can change his / her way of thinking. My sexual friends (which is like... everyone I know outside of this website!)... talk about sex like it is the single reason they exist on this Earth -- to have sex & to get more sex... I don't think you can "re-condition" these people or change their thinking. I don't even bother to tell anyone that I'm asexual, since sex is so vital to their survival -- I'm sure they'll just get started right away to try and change my way of thinking... !!! Which is impossible, since my brain just won't work that way... (i.e. getting "excited" about that kind of stuff... )

I hate to say it, but in my life, from watching other people around me, I've come to the conclusion that some people -- most people -- just gotta have it.

Some people can give up sex. A lot of people cannot.

She might learn to be happy without. Or she might find that she cannot do without...

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I think you can change anything, but it's certainly not easy.

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He is/has probably trying/tried to condition himself to experience sex in a way more similar to the one that you do. If this yields no positive results, I'd recommend trying to adjust yourself to the idea that sexual interaction is simply a direct method of achieving what asexuals feel more inclined to achieve by other methods.

You forfeit the most straightforward method - that of a sexually active person - in exchange for the methods of asexuals. It's simple, but that doesn't make it easy. First off, what are those methods? Well, physically intimacy isn't off the map. As long as the belt stays buckled, you're probably in a zone that will be enjoyable for both of you (though probably for different reasons).

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Now as far as your relationship, it's a tough one, but I'm sure it's something you can overcome. Your desire for sex is built on a number of things, including social norms. You, as virtually every human in the western world, have been conditioned to believe sex is the fundemental aspect of relationships and the activity which bonds couples together. You need to change your way of thinking. Sex is no doubt important to sexual people, but intimacy is about spiritual connectivity, this can be attained by sitting up together, cuddling and watching the sun come up. I'd challenge anyone to do that then tell me that a fumble in the backseat is more intimate.

The only thing which cannot be achieved via non-sexual relationships is sexual pleasure through intercourse.

He is/has probably trying/tried to condition himself to experience sex in a way more similar to the one that you do. If this yields no positive results, I'd recommend trying to adjust yourself to the idea that sexual interaction is simply a direct method of achieving what asexuals feel more inclined to achieve by other methods.

You forfeit the most straightforward method - that of a sexually active person - in exchange for the methods of asexuals. It's simple, but that doesn't make it easy. First off, what are those methods? Well, physically intimacy isn't off the map. As long as the belt stays buckled, you're probably in a zone that will be enjoyable for both of you (though probably for different reasons).

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There is NO replacement for sexuality. It doesn't just roll over and go away because you try to tell yourself "Well, watching a sunrise is so much more intimate anyway." For most sexuals, that would just be an exercise in futility.

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Eta Carinae
"Your desire for sex is built on a number of things, including social norms. You, as virtually every human in the western world, have been conditioned to believe sex is the fundamental aspect of relationships and the activity which bonds couples together. You need to change your way of thinking."

On the one hand, I agree with you on the above. But then, I'm asexual, so sex isn't important to me. In fact, sex doesn't really exist in my universe, until I turn on the lousy TV and see nothing but smut...

And on the other hand... Not everyone can change his / her way of thinking. My sexual friends (which is like... everyone I know outside of this website!)... talk about sex like it is the single reason they exist on this Earth -- to have sex & to get more sex... I don't think you can "re-condition" these people or change their thinking.

I think there's a difference between craving sex and treating it (as most people do) as a special form of bonding with quasi-magical powers. The latter, I think, is conditioning (it being inherently massively intimate just doesn't add up), and could possibly be overcome if one was so inclined. The former, not so much.

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the fact that he tries to have sex and goes out of his way to keep you happy is a huge sign that he loves you. i know many asexuals here would never comprimise their asexuality for anyone.

i would say try not to take the sexual thing too personal, try to look at it at a different way. suppose it's like checkers. you like playing it, and he doesn't. he'll try to play sometimes just to make you happy but you know he is not enjoying it. he doesn't enjoy playing checkers with you because of YOU, but simply that he just doesn't like checkers.

now, i would say this man is a real catch based on what you're saying. i say give it a shot, try to understand asexuality better and maybe you can form some kind of comprimise. some people agree on sex once in a while, some let their partners sleep with other people and maybe some "take breaks" so that the sexual person can let their sexual energy out.

this may sound bizarre, but whatever fits what you two want.

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Your desire for sex is built on a number of things, including social norms. You, as virtually every human in the western world, have been conditioned to believe sex is the fundemental aspect of relationships and the activity which bonds couples together. You need to change your way of thinking.

I get what you're saying here, and to a certain extent I agree with you - sex is so omnipresent in our lives that it's hard sometimes to discern where your own sexuality ends and the mass media effort to shove it down your throat every second of the day begins.

However, it's a little bit one-sided (or asexually-biased, if that's a term) to say "you need to change your way of thinking" to a person who is fundamentally sexual. You'd hardly appreciate someone saying the same thing to you about your asexuality, I'd imagine.

Sexuality isn't something that only exists in the Western, sex-saturated world. Rites, rituals, myths, legends and practices about sexuality (and fertility) are present in just about every culture in the world. Sex is fundamental to many people, and we can't so easily dismiss it as "social conditioning".

Sex is no doubt important to sexual people, but intimacy is about spiritual connectivity, this can be attained by sitting up together, cuddling and watching the sun come up. I'd challenge anyone to do that then tell me that a fumble in the backseat is more intimate.

I'd 100% agree with you, watching the sun come up with someone you love is much more intimate than a fumble in the back seat.

But the kind of sex during which you feel that "connection between two souls" is a far cry from a fumble in the back seat, and to a sexual person, it feels much more intimate than any sunrise ever could.

Just one of those differences in perception that's impossible to explain rationally.

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  • 1 month later...

This whole thread has a lot of opinions and ideas that I never thought about before now. Sex, to me, has always just been something that other people do. They do it because they just do. I don't need to think about it beyond that so I don't bother.

But relationship wise - I know what it is to love someone and feel like you have no way of showing it. I agree whole heartedly that this man loves you and I think you know it. So I offer you a list of bullet points as something to think about that might help you both overcome a relationship hurdle.

[*]Listen to each other. Think about what he's saying and choose your words carefully to stop the conversation turning into a row.

[*]Tell your man that you love him the next chance you get to slip into the conversation. Better yet, use the "tell me you love me" line - his reply should let you both know where the other stands.

[*]Talk about the ways other people have stated above to help overcome the issue. An open relationship is always among the first to get mentioned around here. That suggests that it's more successful than you'd think and might even be worth a shot as long as everyone knows where the boundaries are (including other partners) and doesn't overstep them.

[*]Talk about the ways in which you express love toward each other. Don't be surprised if you can't list that many ways - since most people would just list sex and a few others and be done with it - he may well be trying to make up for it in other ways and probably can't think of many more than the average sexual person. This is frustrating at the best of times.

[*]Tell him that you value sex as more than just getting off but as the merging and bonding of two souls as you put it.

[*]This next bit is good. Tell him that you won't keep wanting sex from him as you know he doesn't feel the same emotions involved in it as you do ( = kudos for being willing to understand asexuality a bit 8) )

With any luck you'll both find a way around this that suits you. It may never have been mentioned here before so be sure to keep us updated.

Not that we're nosy or anything. :wink:

*Back at the social conditioning debate*

I don't have a TV license - half my sex life has gone out the window now. A tip to be shared across the wider British public I think.

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  • 1 month later...
faithlessfate

Unless an open relationship sex-wise is okay with you both, my advice(as a sexual)to you is, if you love him, deal with it.

I'm a hypersexual bisexual woman, in a relationship with an asexual woman, and we've discussed the situation thoroughly.

I accept her asexuality, I do not try to force sex on her, and I understand her romantic feelings, and accept/believe them without needing her to "validate" them through an act I know she will not enjoy.

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Believe me when I say (and I think I speak for most if not all asexuals) that I REALLY REAALLY don't get it. Every time I've had sex it has been the exact opposite for me. The tearing apart of souls.

ditto.

which really sucks for a relationship :?

(there's better advice here already, i just thought i'd throw in my 2 cents on my side of the fence (as it were ))

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Believe me when I say (and I think I speak for most if not all asexuals) that I REALLY REAALLY don't get it. Every time I've had sex it has been the exact opposite for me. The tearing apart of souls.

ditto.

which really sucks for a relationship :?

(there's better advice here already, i just thought i'd throw in my 2 cents on my side of the fence (as it were ))

I don't think that's just an asexual thing though, sex simply seems to be something that is very very powerful, the very nature of the act requires an amazing amount of trust (especially from females) and when it is used simply as yet another way for someone to get off (or if one of the partners feels this way) it can feel like an act of betrayal.

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and when it is used simply as yet another way for someone to get off (or if one of the partners feels this way) it can feel like an act of betrayal.

crazy amount of insight on that one o.o ahh.. sad memories ;.;

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