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Suicide


RekrabMot

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I don't care about writing and in fact hate having to do it. It's so embarassing writing things on these public boards. What I really wish is that I was dead and not in this world anymore. My life is so not worth living. It is an utter fucking waste of time.

Catrinac: You are a really good writer. I have pretty high standards for writing and you meet them. I hope you can stand to stick around for a while longer. I understand exactly what you mean about how difficult it is to obtain and/or carry out the methods of suicide; sometimes I think that's what has kept me here. One of the things make continued life a little more worth it is listening to people who cut through the bullshit. More posts from you, please. Pick any of the topics on the Older Asexual forum; just write!
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I tried suicide & cutting as a teen. Really sucked at it. So I didn't really lose the desire to die, just decided "ok, life's depressing enough without realizing you can't even do this right" and accepted death wasn't coming in the form of me killing myself. It is now a very, very sad bit of a joke I have with myself.

I don't care about writing and in fact hate having to do it. It's so embarassing writing things on these public boards. What I really wish is that I was dead and not in this world anymore. My life is so not worth living. It is an utter fucking waste of time.

..well, duh. But that's what all life is. What's your point?

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So, Catrinac.....we've given you feedback, including possible reasons why you should give it a bit more time, agreement that it's your choice to end it, and reinforcement that you're a worthy person however you choose. You say you find writing on these boards embarassing. So what can we do for you now? Do you just want to lash out some more? If so, feel free. We'll just listen.

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I got my apples for my suicide attempt today. I finally did it!! I've been waiting to kill myself since the 8th grade. Today I finally made a decision. I'm not sure if cyanide will really work (I'm planning to pick the seeds out the apples and save about a half cup) I feel bad tell y'all but also not-- who here is so crazy and depressed that they would actually pick seeds out of an apple? I will also probably buy a gun as back up.

I could not care less how judgemental you people want to be about this. I don't care at all anymore. There is nothing anyone could ever do. Why is the first thing someone asks, "what can I do" when you know fucking well you would never go out of your way to do much more for anyone than listen, if that. Get off your high horses all of you.

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Angelica Soprano

As I think not many will have any answers for that last one. Good luck on your journey Catrinac, I hope you get some peace.

.

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As I think not many will have any answers for that last one. Good luck on your journey Catrinac, I hope you get some peace.

As someone who believes one should have the right to end one's life if they choose (provided they've thought properly about it, of course), I'd also like to wish you luck.

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I also wish you luck, and peace, however you can achieve it. I hope that you don't try the apple seed manuever -- it will only cause illness and you don't need that.

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My two cents is as follows:

Physical death is not the only kind of death one can experience. Have you ever tried any others? I don't know anything about the, but I know they exist, you just have to be creative I guess.

Why wouldn't you just go with plain old physical death?

Well, despite my passive follower-type demeanor, secretly on the inside I'm ENTIRELY OPINIONATED. And my opinion is something like this. (if you don't want to see swearing in the forum, please don't read my opinion ... this is a matter of life and death and I will swear as I choose)

FUCK FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES WITH A FUCKING ICEPICK.

FUCK FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

We are a shit fucking mess fuck-up society. Our opinions in the world and on life suck balls.

Wouldn't you rather scream at the world than leave it? I mean when there is actually something to say.

Before you kill yourself ... go visit people who are truly trying to live. Nobody in North America is even attempting to live. You want to die? Trust me, we're already dead! You can't die twice! You kill yourself, nothing happens! People who know you get really fucked up in their thoughts and feelings. They become preoccupied by you in a really twisted sort of way. But other than that, nothing really happens. You completely cut off your CHANCE to live.

Why do you have to deny life, when you clearly haven't experienced it? That's my question. I think suicide is a disrespect to life. Don't think I don't feel you, but I certainly do not think you. I see nothing on earth that truly justifies killing yourself.

I'm serious, look into what you can do for other people. I mean people who really deserve help. I mean children who don't get the time of day. Children who want with everything they have to live, to survive on nothing. Because North America is a fucking parasite to this earth. Don't kill yourself, seriously, just leave North America. Find people who are diseased, malnurished, abused, and fucking help them. Maybe you'll catch an illness and die that way.

I don't believe anyone should willingly die ... until they have something worth dying for. If you do not die fighting, if you do not die to truly live ...

why the fuck do you want to die?

God it pisses me off. If you are in a state of mind that only points towards suicide, I understand that. But I just don't think it's right to limit your mind.

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to type down "emancipate yourself from mental slavery" in my favorite quotes on my facebook profile, and every single time I typed it out, the computer would delete it and text would appear in its place saying something about copy right laws, so I wasn't allowed to use that quote. I just kept trying and trying to type it in, and the same thing was happening.

When I woke up and thought about it. That was only a dream. Things change. I don't care what stage of life you're in. Things change. It's just that you have to make the move.

Fuck reincarnating and putting yourself through more bad karma. The bad karma you carry over is only gonna piss you off because you know you did it to yourself.

Think about it.

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If you are in a state of mind that only points towards suicide, I understand that. But I just don't think it's right to limit your mind.

When I woke up and thought about it. That was only a dream. Things change. I don't care what stage of life you're in. Things change. It's just that you have to make the move.

Cait those two points are very well written.

I just posted this in another thread but I will post it again here.

I'm sorry you feel so down. I actually found AVEN on my way to finding help to help my suicidal tendencies. After watching someone kill themselves and the aftermath it caused to their loved ones I realized I needed to change how I think because I can never kill myself and hurt those around me who care about my pathetic little life.

One thing that has helped is by turning my life upside down to look at it from a different view.

I now just try to say positive in my thoughts and handle each day as a new day rather than the last day. I meet someone new who explained to me that without the down in life their would be no up.

I don't know if that makes any sense but like I said I'm sorry you are down and don't feel alone. There are many others in the world who feel the same way. There are also many wonderful people here on AVEN that have been there.

Don't give up!

Seriously things change. If I would have succeeded with any of my suicide attempts from age 12 on I now realize that I would have missed out on some really good times.

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This may only draw invective from you, Catrinac, but Cait says something important:

"I'm serious, look into what you can do for other people. I mean people who really deserve help. I mean children who don't get the time of day."

You don't really have to leave North America. There are growing homeless encampments all over this country, with children living in them. Go see them. Then go rant at your local government officials, rant at the federal government. Postpone death a little longer and yell for a while. Death will wait.

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I've postponed my death for a couple of decades. I don't want to help people anymore. Been there, done that. I wish I could leave the U.S., that would be ideal, but my problems would follow me. This is a very personal quest and I don't expect anyone to understand.

This may only draw invective from you, Catrinac, but Cait says something important:

"I'm serious, look into what you can do for other people. I mean people who really deserve help. I mean children who don't get the time of day."

You don't really have to leave North America. There are growing homeless encampments all over this country, with children living in them. Go see them. Then go rant at your local government officials, rant at the federal government. Postpone death a little longer and yell for a while. Death will wait.

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Each country has its own problems - the UK seems to be sinking with them - if you believe the press. Leaving the US would solve nothing - as you hae said yourself your problems would follow.

When I was working at DM Kineton, we had one Ammo Tech who used to say 'There are no problems, only challenges' Just a different way of looking at things, I suppose. 'Problems' are negative (insurmountable problems) but 'challenges' implies that there's a way over/round/under. Look at life negatively, that's what you'll get.

I do appreciate the difficulties of long-term depression but there can be a way out, you just have to keep looking (beats the alternative).

Tan

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Angelica Soprano

Sometimes we just have to change our own world. Never is it easy, but it can be forced out of oneself.

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I wonder if so many of us are contemplating suicide because we feel so cut off from people...

Well as far as depression and feelings of hopelessness go, I find that it abates somewhat when I find people who feel the same way I do about life, even if it is in the most unflinching, 'disturbing', honest fashion. Sometimes I feel really dark, and I just want to communicate with people who feel as bad as I do, with no restraints to mute their feelings or put a 'happy' spin on it. Been to therapy, and I think the mistake they often make is not validating our own feelings. Feel like a loser? Oh, you're delusional. Like you're 'worthless', oh you need meds. FWIW, finding like minds helps more than therapy or medication ever did.

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cadmiumblimp
Why is the first thing someone asks, "what can I do" when you know fucking well you would never go out of your way to do much more for anyone than listen, if that.

What else can a person do?

I guess it doesn't help much, though, when the only people who would listen are on the internet.

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"I guess it doesn't help much, though, when the only people who would listen are on the internet."

We don't know that that's the case, so we shouldn't assume it. Possibly that person wanting to be heard has already talked with one or more friends or family but nothing good came of it. Sometimes a rant is actually despair; sometimes it's just a rant, and you can't tell that, either, unless you actually know the person. We just do our best on computer forums with very little to work with except words from a stranger.

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Well, my death is postponed again. Last weekend when I couldn't take it anymore I went out and bought a bottle of organic sulfite free pinot noir and spent the weekend holed up in my apartment drinking. That's what I've decided to do from now on until I can get to L.A. for my rhinoplasty revision. This weekend I'm having goat cheese and figs with the wine, and buffalo also. I'm suprised I didn't start drinking before. It really works for me.

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Well, my death is postponed again. Last weekend when I couldn't take it anymore I went out and bought a bottle of organic sulfite free pinot noir and spent the weekend holed up in my apartment drinking. That's what I've decided to do from now on until I can get to L.A. for my rhinoplasty revision. This weekend I'm having goat cheese and figs with the wine, and buffalo also. I'm suprised I didn't start drinking before. It really works for me.

I believe you mentioned that you lack the money to do the surgery - won't the excessive alcohol consumption hinder the growth of that budget? Alcoholism isn't cheap, especially if you're using wine to do it.

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I'm gonna have to finance the surgery. There is no money to save. I'm drinking one bottle a week, not every day. That's not that much. At this rate I ought to just charge the gun for $300 and get it over with. Hey, at least you people seem to finally get that I need a surgery and am not mentally ill.

Well, my death is postponed again. Last weekend when I couldn't take it anymore I went out and bought a bottle of organic sulfite free pinot noir and spent the weekend holed up in my apartment drinking. That's what I've decided to do from now on until I can get to L.A. for my rhinoplasty revision. This weekend I'm having goat cheese and figs with the wine, and buffalo also. I'm suprised I didn't start drinking before. It really works for me.

I believe you mentioned that you lack the money to do the surgery - won't the excessive alcohol consumption hinder the growth of that budget? Alcoholism isn't cheap, especially if you're using wine to do it.

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despite having been extremely depressed in the past and even a sort of half-serious deliberate drug overdose i went through once, i guess no matter how bad things have ever gotten, after that i realized that even people i hardly knew but that had some contact with me might be affected, and as long as at least someone in the whole world loved me enough that they even said that i would never do it. i honestly WOULD rather suffer than make someone else suffer- of course, right now my life has recently gotten rougher owing to some personal problems, but i've got to at least be HERE if i care about anyone. dead i'm of no use to anyone.

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I'm gonna have to finance the surgery. There is no money to save. I'm drinking one bottle a week, not every day. That's not that much. At this rate I ought to just charge the gun for $300 and get it over with. Hey, at least you people seem to finally get that I need a surgery and am not mentally ill.

If you're pinning your happiness on the result of surgery what then? If we cannot depend on other people for out happiness, then it seems somewhat hazardous to rely on a procedure which may not produce the desired result.

despite having been extremely depressed in the past and even a sort of half-serious deliberate drug overdose i went through once, i guess no matter how bad things have ever gotten, after that i realized that even people i hardly knew but that had some contact with me might be affected, and as long as at least someone in the whole world loved me enough that they even said that i would never do it. i honestly WOULD rather suffer than make someone else suffer- of course, right now my life has recently gotten rougher owing to some personal problems, but i've got to at least be HERE if i care about anyone. dead i'm of no use to anyone.

I tuly hope you will hang onto that thought. All things pass. The ones who will be hurt most are those who love you and who will be left wondering if there was anything they could have done, they will second-guess themselves and say they should have known.

Tan

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On August 25, 2007 I drank about 2 bottles of wine, followed by half a bottle of prescription sleeping pills, followed by half a bottle each of 2 different types of prescription pain killers. I was depressed I was giving up w/o a thought nor care for anyone including my loving dog and my daughter. I took enough pills to kill someone a lot bigger than me (I only weighed about 115 pounds at that time because I had basically quit eating months before). Well approximately 36 hours after the overdose I awoke, I live alone and no one came looking for me, I called 911 and spent a week in ICU. The acetiminaphin in the pain killers essentially burned a hole through my liver, my liver was failing, I was denied a liver transplant because it was a suicide attempt. I was put on the most awful liquid medication, mucamyst, it smells like rotten eggs; they had 72 hours to either find me a liver or pray that the medicine worked, the medicine finally started to work in my final 12 hours. I was informed by the nursing staff the night before the meds started to work that I wasn't going to make it (I was being a bitch and wanted to go home) and that death by liver failure is a very slow very very painful death. For months I was so ashamed, I feared that co-workers would find out what I had done, I feared that I would get in trouble with the law for what I did. In time I came to realize that the only reason I even woke up from the overdose was that God through the Holy Spirit woke me up, it wasn't my time, I had not yet accomplished what I was put on this earth to accomplish (I still don't know what that is but I know there is a reason). There is a big difference between euthanasia and suicide, I'm all for the former, but as for suicide that is the most chickenshit SELFISH way out no matter what. I didn't even think about what it would do to my daughter my family, all I thought about it was "I was tired I wanted to sleep forever", that's the only reason I gave my daughter in the note I left her. Suicide may end ones persons life but it never solves anything.

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Don't get preachy about something you don't know anything about. Rhinoplasty is the most revised plastic surgery. I am not pinning "all my hopes" on it, rather it is a goal to keep me in my body. Duhhh. I'm at an age where getting a lot of plastic surgery would not be out of the question, but that is besides the point. I have hated my nose since the 8th grade. I am now 37; 23 YEARS have gone by. That is a long time to hate something so key. And do not get in to it with me about whether a nose is a key feature. I will not brook that type of discussion at this time. If you don't think your facial features are a key part of your life we'll go ahead and have every fucking feature removed from your fucking face and you can go through life as a big blank. YES, my nose bothers me and I am planning on having it revised. I have done my homework on the topic for the last 3 years and have found several doctors who I think have a pretty good likelihood of improving my nose.

http://www.rhinoplasty4you.com

The rhinoplasty board has helped me a lot with this process and has helped me confirm that what I am going through is totally normal and not something to be concerned about. People get revisions all the time.

If you're pinning your happiness on the result of surgery what then? If we cannot depend on other people for out happiness, then it seems somewhat hazardous to rely on a procedure which may not produce the desired result.

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Oh forget the fucking rhinoplasty. I already haven't been pretty or cute most of the last 25-30 years and have a whole life based around that. The best years of my life have already been wasted. My identity was formed based on hating my appearance back in the 80s and 90s. I've never grown up and am emotionally immature. Therapy can't help me; I've tried. The surgery really was my last chance to be happy and 3 years later I look like a pig and am still ugly. The "friend" who was supposed to help with this didn't and though he says he will he won't. I have decided I will probably OD on tylenol. It will be painful and I'll go in to a coma but that does not really concern me. I'd have to have a revision quickly, like next month, or to have it at least scheduled, and this friend who says he'll help will reneg, I can already tell. He never believed my nose was "that bad" but his whole attitude towards me changed after the first surgery because he finally noticed that I have eyes and a mouth. I could kill him for taking the first surgery away from me but I can't so I will kill myself instead. I have nothing to live for except this. My life is more or less ruined, I can't emphasize it enough. I've endured this bitter overwhelming pain for most of the last 25 years. It has killed my zest for life and stolen my dreams. I have nothing really. I hate this man so much for what he did to me. He's the one who should look like a pig and be unemployable, not me. I hope he burns in hell, I really do.

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I'm 55 and the best years of my life are just now beginning.

I'm not physically attractive and I never have been. I've struggled with being overweight all of my life, plus I have had acne since I was eleven. I thought it would go away when I got older but I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will. (Zits and wrinkles at the same time just seems unfair! *shakes fist at the universe* )

Still, I know enough about men to know that a fair percentage of them really DO consider personality to be more important than looks. Not ALL of them by any means, and probably not even the majority, but some do. (I'm not living in a fantasy world.)

I'm thankful that I took the time to learn about men and what they really want before it was too late. (I was in my early 30's.) My parents sure weren't any help in that regard, and neither were my friends. Advice from sexuals, no matter how well it was intended, didn't work for me. I had to give up on all of my peers and their advice and start checking out self-help books from the library. None of the books were any good by themselves but a bunch of them taken as a whole finally started to show a pattern that made sense to me. I didn't have the power to change anybody else, but I COULD change myself. (And I still can if I need to.)

It was hard and it took years, but it was worth it. Watching relationships fall apart over the "no sex" issue so many times that I lost count was worth it. Even getting married at 45, divorced 7 years later, and losing ALL of the community property was worth it.

Everything that I have had to endure to get to this point has been worth it.

My parents were useless at explaining men's behavior, but at least they taught me to be stubborn and resourceful. It's a good thing that they did when they did, because they both died young.

My mother had several miscarriages and one child who died in infancy, but she never gave up. Despite all of her efforts, our family name died when my younger brother succumbed to AIDS.

From seeing so many of my family members and my friends die, I learned that life can only be lived by the survivors.

I'm glad to be one of them.

Your mileage may vary.

-GB

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It was the Greeks who left us with the curse of considering that what is beautiful is good. Some ancient peoples believed that disfugurement was as a result of being touched by the gods. If you think of yourself as ugly no-one will convince you otherwise. Dwell on what you consider to be your bad points and that's all you will see. Life is what you make it

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The cliches help no one, not even yourself.

It was the Greeks who left us with the curse of considering that what is beautiful is good. Some ancient peoples believed that disfugurement was as a result of being touched by the gods. If you think of yourself as ugly no-one will convince you otherwise. Dwell on what you consider to be your bad points and that's all you will see. Life is what you make it
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They obviously have no effect on you but you aren't alone in experiencing adversity in life. Others deal with it differently and find a way out of their own 'pit'. It takes will.

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They obviously have no effect on you but you aren't alone in experiencing adversity in life. Others deal with it differently and find a way out of their own 'pit'. It takes will.

It does take will, nothing will happen if you don't give it effort. I don't mean to sound blunt but that's just the only way I could word it at the moment.

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The cliches help no one, not even yourself.

there are reasons, i've found, for cliches. they aren't as trite as they seem - i realized this when i was able to look beyond my own crap and start valuing other people the way i'd always wanted to be valued. (golden rule - another cliche that's more than it seems...)

but you don't need to hear more cliches and "empty" supportive gestures, right?

truth is, catrinac - no ones cares. no one's supposed to care. about you, about me, about anything. there is no "deserve" there is no "fair" and there is very little mercy out there. life sucks. and it sucks more for those who are targeted because of appearance (shape, size, colour and functionality) or behaviour or belief.

if your life is unbearable and you have become damaged/incapable of either caring or putting effort into healing then maybe it is time to consider suicide. i consider it all the time. i don't think it makes a person weak or selfish or any of the other negative crap that gets thrown at ppl who are struggling to find meaning in a, truly, unforgiving and uncaring world. finding the support (internal, through the self - or external from others) to put effort into a life that has never been kind to you, is difficult if not impossible when bogged down by depression/bitterness/abuse. truth is, by the time we're at "the bottom" most of us are no longer receptive to help. ever spend time with a severely depressed person that it isn't you? it's frickin exhausting.

so, suicide might make sense. (and if this is the case, squirrelling away apple seeds is prob not the most effective route. there are resources online that offer comprehensive breakdowns of different suicide methods - for obvious reasons i don't link, but i didn't have to google far before finding them.)

if suicide seems like the only option instead of the best one (a choice between death and constant suffering is not as ideal as a choice between death, suffering or help if it's offered - for example) then it might not be right for you just yet. the bad news is, the alternative requires effort and an open mind.

effort - can be near impossible when you've been living with chronic depression (like you, i've been struggling for more than 20 years.) also, very hard to develop and maintain when you have to do it alone. especially hard when you do it alone in a world full of people who love each other but don't love you. (just read the other two responses regarding will/effort - sorry if this is repetitive but it's integral.)

open mind - if bitterness/defensiveness hasn't completely set in, this is less difficult. what i mean by an open mind here is basically not attacking those that bother to offer help. not dismissing advice, personal stories or opinions just because you are being misunderstood. there is wisdom and humanity there - you just have to connect with it, you have to look for it.

we are all suffering (yes, even the beautiful people - ask them, they'll tell you horror stories of being judged on their appearance only and being the target of unwanted attention)

we are all unknowable.

changing your world, and the way you experience it, is (probably) possible. it happens slowly and painfully, it's mostly done alone and any kind of relief will never outweigh the crap you've had to deal with so far. it requires you to be hard on yourself and to question everything you believe about the world and your place in it.

your posts here sound angry, frustrated and defensive. not a happy place to be - but you're still here (as far as i know.) i won't bore you with the details of my fledgling recovery - many of the suggestions put forth by others in this thread have been useful to me, but not until i gained more knowledge and understanding of my own crapulance - but if you want some honest feedback i have a lot of free time and some informed opinions. consider that an open invitation.

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