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Research - any comments appreciated


noodle

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Hello there

Im a counselling student in my final year and am preparing a 30 minute presentation on a topic of my choice. The obvious choice for me was asexuality. Its a very hidden subject and seems to be largely ignored or shunned. I feel strongly that counselling students should be more aware given that at any point they could be faced with a client who feels very removed from the 'sexual norm', even if they dont label themselves asexual. Or indeed happy with their asexuality (which i wouldnt want a counsellor to automatically confuse with deeper problems).

I'm someone who doesn't tend to term myself as asexual per se but have never liked sex and struggled for many years with the 'im supposed to do this so i will' *recoils*. That is until I found a very good counsellor and discovered this forum. Life now is much better for me and thankfully I now have a partner who feels much the same about sex. I only found this however when id accepted how i felt about sex and refused to settle for anything less.

I suppose what im asking of people (if they have the time or inclination) is to message me or post of any negative or positive responses you may have come across from either friends/family and in particular gp's/counsellors/health professionals. And negative/positive feelings you've had about yourselves due to being asexual.

I really feel that those who are supposed to want whats best for us and our growth (ie counsellors) should really have some awareness of the subject. We recentely spent a weekend doing workshops about sexuality. Topics covered were homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality......nothing however about asexuality so 'd like to give a really infomative presentation that not only uses research available on the net but snipppets of 'real' experiences - I'll be using my own also.

I've chatted to a couple of people in the group about it since the workshop and both thought that asexuality was the same thing a celibacy. I really feel that some open discussion and information would be extremely useful and something i feel they would welcome.

Anyway - sorry to go on. If you want to post or mail me then that would be great. Im also open to any comments or thoughts. If not, thanks for reading anyway.

:D

PS. Also happy to post a link to the presentation when its done if anyone's interested?

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I have not told my family that I am asexual.

They think I'm gay and I'd rather have them think that than I'm asexual.

The few friends I have told don't really know what asexuality is so their reaction has usually been one of: you are just confused, you'll meet the right person, how do you know until you try it (sex).

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I totally understand what you mean about "I'm supposed to do/feel this." Although I am asexual, sex was tolerable for me until I got married. Even though we had had sex before we were married, somehow becoming his wife made him think that I was subject to his every sexual whim. He would constantly complain that I didn't move right or make the right sounds. "My previous wife liked this, why don't you," or "my other girlfriends reacted this way, why don't you" were thrown in my face at nearly every sexual encounter. I tried to find things that I enjoyed. For instance, I have a very sensitive spot on my back that I love to have touched. Sex would have been more tolerable if he would have spent a little time stimulating this spot, so that I would get some pleasure out of it, too. But that spot was not sexual to him, therefore he would only give it cursory attention before zeroing back in on my genitals. He would get angry that I didn't like it when he went down on me. He would insist on giving me oral sex (which NEVER resulted in an orgasm, in fact, I just waited for him to get bored with it), and then expect me to "reciprocate". He didn't understand that this was not a fair exchange for me, since I hated BOTH ways.

My marriage was really the most negative experience I have had as an asexual. I have had a few other negative experiences but really the marriage makes them all pale in comparison. I do hope you emphasize that "my marriage was traumatizing BECAUSE I was asexual"; not "I am asexual because my marriage was traumatizing". Sometimes people think my horrible marriage was the cause of my asexuality, but it is the other way around. I was asexual long before I had any negative sexual experiences.

As for coming out: my coming out experiences are actually pretty well chronicled here:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewt...sc&start=30

Good luck with your research.

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Genetically_Dead

The people I have told just think I am frigid. So much for being honest huh. :(

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if you have sex 8 times you'll start to like it - apparently 5 times isn't enough to know its not something you either desire, or get pleasure from

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8 times or 8 partners?

I have had it way, way more than 8 times and I still hate it.

8 partners I thankfully cannot comment on.

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Freed_Spirit

n>8 on both counts and no is the answer.

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I've been lucky so far in that all the people I've told - close friends, immediate family and a couple of others who asked - have all expressed interest and curiosity, to varying degrees. Even a taxi driver who took me to a studio for a radio interview and listened in whilst waiting was fascinated and asked lots of questions on the way back.

I've chatted to a couple of people in the group about it since the workshop and both thought that asexuality was the same thing a celibacy.

This seems to be quite a common misconception.

A celibate is a sexual person who chooses not to act upon their desires whereas an asexual does not have those desires in the first place.

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  • 1 month later...

Good luck with your presentation! I'm an older asexual. I've always been asexual but didn't know it until I found this forum. I always thought that it was some deep-rooted thing from childhood, or that I had a hormone problem. But I felt comfortable with the way I was!

The more attention that is given by asexuality as a sexual orientation and not a disorder, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

My boyfriend is cool about my asexuality (he's sexual), and last week I told my best friend who said she wasn't at all surprised, and that while she enjoys sex, it's not a huge deal in her life. Having said that, I know a lot of people who would think there was something wrong with me.

I'd love to read your presentation. Are you going to post it up here?

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The people I have told just think I am frigid. So much for being honest huh. :(

I AM frigid :lol:

I'm asexual too but damn right I'm frigid.

Anyway, my experiences have all been positive. I have been in newspaper interviews, one was even in a local paper. Most family members haven't even said anything about it (tho' I know my mum and aunt showed everyone) - so that shows how much of a non-issue it is.

My GP is great, too. When I was seeing him for depression, he asked if I had a partner and I said 'no'. He said "male or female?" The way/reason he was asking was very professional and just so I knew that if I was scared to say my partner was female, it was okay with him. As it turned out I don't have a female partner either but I gave him some AVEN pamphlets just in case someone came in who had the 'I don't want sex, is anything wrong with me?' type of question. He took the pamphlets and said "thanks for making me aware of this". My sexuality has never been discussed with him since so he's not always harping about going for testing of any sort.

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I haven't told anyone that I am asexual. I didn't know myself until I found this forum that I had a label. Personally, I don't think it's anyones business what my sexuality or lack thereof is. But I do have a sex drive, just not a direction to send it. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

But honestly I never found it expedient to talk with professionals about my sex life. I don't believe in counselors or psychiatrists or socialogists. In my opinion, they are people pretending to have the answers to questions that dont have answers. I know a number of people whom have had their lives ruined by so called professionals.

How can a professional help you understand asexuality, when they don't believe that asexuality exists?

So No, I haven't told anyone in my real world that I am asexual, and yes, people around me have varied opinions about my sexuality, being a single, not dating, never married, 54 year old male.

And I don't care what they think!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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The members of my family all know I'm bi-asexual. The couple I'm intimate with know, but I have to confess that I was more upfront about the bi part than the asexual part at first.

But they all still think I'm weird.

A sexual person who is defensive.

One who won't be sexual until "certain conditions are met."

But I don't think so. I don't know what said conditions are or should be. If I knew then I'd be sexual.

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I'm new here, this is my first post. I admire you for doing this report, and spreading the word. I'm 59 and still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Seriously, I've been married, had children, been asexual/celibate for the past 15 years. I do not think I was born totally asexual. I do not think I was born totally sexual.

I can relate to any female who has give grudingly, had tons of headaches, pretened to be asleep, etc. I just found this word "asexual" a few days ago, and thought to some degree it describes me. I'm here to learn more. I am glad for the younger generation, that asexual is a word, and that it is OK, it will prevent a lot of confusion and heratache the 50's and 60's generation endured. Some will probably disagree with me here, but I am thinking that some people could have been sexual at one time, and then became asexual. My opinion only but I think if they were honest about 70% of females would say they were asexual after menopause.

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Freed_Spirit

Welcome Twilight, :cake::cake: I'm glad you've found AVEN, it is the perfect place to learn and explore. I agree that it is possible sexuality can flux for some people and you make an interesting point about menopause. I'll bear it in mind when talking to post-M women, to see what they think.

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I think it's nice that you're choosing such a bold topic.

Mostly, I have had positive experiences communicating my orientation to others.

When I told my general practitioner that I'm not sexually attracted to others,

he just asked if I was ok with it; I said yes, and that was it.

My gastroanterologist was also similarly understanding when I asked

to have my hormones checked.

Two of my siblings are aware of my orientation, and they couldn't care less.

My mother also knows, and she doesn't mind in the least.

One friend said that he didn't believe it was possible,

and others have said that I probably just need to experiment more.

However, none of my friends have considered it an issue at all, even if they think I have misjudged myself.

Good luck with your presentation!

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I'm 48 and other than discussing this with my husband and a couple close friends (who are totally supportive and interested in knowing more) my mother is the only other person I have mentioned it to. Her wide-eyed reply.. "you mean you can have children now without needing a partner?" (I kept the laugher inside)

But after discussing at some length to her, the other meaning of being asexual...it was total disbelief. So I have left it at that.

My husband and I see a marriage therapist, and like others we have tried, their idea is to "sacrifice" and give to each other when we can...or, that I have some deep-rooted sexual hang up's they are bound and determined to figure out.

We are starting to save our money.

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