Asexuals & Attraction & Orgasm

[quest]

Can asexuals hook up with someone on the basis of their looks or is that irrelevant? can asexuals experience that physical magnetism to another individual that sexuals have? or is the attraction mainly based on the characteristic traits of the other individual? can asexuals have a certain physical type, so far as those they usual tend to be drawn to...?

also, from my understanding, some asexual do masturbate in order for physical relief (correct me if im wrong). however, at the same time asexuals have no desire for sexual activity yet if they do take part in it, such as in self gratification, can they orgasm? some asexuals do take part in sex just to appease their partners, so even tough the desire is not there does the body respond to sexual stimulation? I'm sexual and if im not attracted to someone, then the chances of me being turned on by them is very slim. yet on the other hand, say that I decide to have sex with an individual I’m not very much physically or mentally drawn too, in my mind I can imagine someone else and if my partner is well skilled in love making then my body will respond irrespective of my attraction.

I understand that what's true for one doesn't apply to all so please, my question is not meant to draw sweeping generalizations, any answer from personal experience or from general observations is welcomed.

[quest]

i didn’t realize until i re-read my post, that i was rudely bombarding you guys with questions.

let me introduce myself. i am Quest, in my mid 20s and heterosexual.

im trying to understanding asexuals b/c i believe that someone in my family is asexual though they haven't said so to me. so therefore im trying to understand it better so as to not incorrectly assume anything.

[Rin]

Its no problem. The main reason for the forums is to ask questions and discuss topics.

Can asexuals hook up with someone on the basis of their looks or is that irrelevant?

Aesthetic attraction is pretty much a whole different ballpark and I think the same debates come up as with non-asexual relationships when it comes to looks. But I don't know how many would pursue something purely based on looks. Then again I would imagine most people would want to get to know them better first on a psychological level. But certainly the initial attraction could be there for pursuing something more.

Check this thread:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=22034

can asexuals experience that physical magnetism to another individual that sexuals have?

Not sure exactly what you mean by 'physical magnetism', sorry. Is this still in reference to aesthetic attraction?

But I would say that if you mean the whole 'love at first sight' thing. I think it would happen for asexuals, if they fit all their criteria of being aesthetically attractive.

or is the attraction mainly based on the characteristic traits of the other individual?

Its no different to anyone else really, asexual or not. Could be a bit of both or more one than the other depending on the individuals involved and how much they value looks. The value of looks debate is as strong here as everywhere else really. There's been some threads discussing whether looks is a non-existant concern or not when considering a relationship and as everywhere else, opinions will vary.

Check this thread:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=22411

can asexuals have a certain physical type, so far as those they usual tend to be drawn to...?

Absolutely. Such as dark hair, blue eyes, whatever. Although regardless of sexuality obviously I think someones 'type' is just an idealism thing. More often people will get invovled in relationships even if someone wasn't their 'type', they can sort of become their 'type' by being themselves... err but thats a totally different discussion irrespective of asexuality lol.

This thread is a good example:

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=2959

Please note however that the above questions and answers are more in reference to 'romantic asexuals'. There are also 'aromantic asexuals' who would not wish to pursue a relationship (although they still can appreciate people aesthetically obviously without wanting to particularly get closer, some liken it to appreciating a painting).

I'll let others answer the rest.

[FISH']

can asexuals experience that physical magnetism to another individual that sexuals have? or is the attraction mainly based on the characteristic traits of the other individual?

I like people based on looks first, then it I'll start liking them ALOT more if I like their personality. I don't think I've had this magnetism thing, because being physically drawn to someone else (as in touching and kissing) is a sexual thing.

[M51]

Rin had some good answers but you seem to be looking for a variety of experiences so I'll chime in, too.

Can asexuals hook up with someone on the basis of their looks or is that irrelevant?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: First a bit of an explanation of human intimacy according to me: There are different types of attraction and people experience various combinations of these types. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, meaning they do not experience the sort of attraction that would be satisfied by/culminate in sexual activity. However, some asexuals may still experience romantic attraction, whose definition is up for debate but which is generally understood to mean intellectual or emotional attraction, not based on external traits such as looks or status but on internal traits such as personality or a developed relationship of trust. This type of attraction is satisfied by/culminates in in emotionally and/or intellectually intimate relationship, which may or may not include cuddling or nonsexual physical expression. Finally, there is physical or aesthetic attraction, which is attraction based on external traits such as looks, voice, way of carrying oneself, immediately apparent personality traits such as confidence, etc. This type of attraction can be difficult to distinguish from sexual attraction as often immediate sexual attraction stems from the same set of traits. The difference is that physical attraction simply culminates in looking at/being close to a person, or sometimes nonsexual physical affection such as cuddling, hugs, "innocent" kisses, etc. The idea that sex might somehow enhance such attraction or the resulting relationship is pretty ridiculous to asexuals.

So I basically define three basic categories of attraction (though this is always up for debate as well): sexual, physical, and romantic. You can experience any combination of those, including none. Sexual or asexual, romantic or aromantic and we haven't come up with a nice word for the physical type so I will say aesthetic or nonaesthetic (although that sounds odd because if I describe myself as aesthetic I am not suggesting that I am necessarily good looking!). If you think about it, there are people out there who seek out relationships solely based on personality, and don't care much about looks, but they do want sex. These people would be nonaesthetic romantic sexuals. And there are plenty of people who experience physical/aesthetic attraction and want sex, but seem to have no urge or need for deeper emotional or intellectual intimacy. These people are aromantic, aesthetic sexuals. I am romantic and aesthetic but not sexual.

The three attractions can bleed into each other or feed each other. So perhaps you don't initially experience physical attraction for someone, but as you get to know them you find you are romantically attracted to them. They start looking better and better, and eventually they become the most beautiful person in the world to you. I don't know how this works, but I have experienced it several times. When I was a teacher's assistant at an elementary school (it was a high school alternative credit) there was a male fourth grade teacher. The first time I saw him I thought he was probably one of the ugliest men I had ever seen. But then I watched him playing basketball with his kids at recess (stereotypical, I know, chicks dig dudes with kids), and suddenly I found him more physically attractive. ?? :?: Humanity is such a strange thing!!

So I imagine sexual attraction can also flow from other attractions, even if not initially present.

Then on top of this, you have the "direction" of each orientation. It is quite possible to be physically/aesthetically attracted to women but romantically attracted only to men, with your sexual preference aligning with one or the other or both, or neither, as with asexuality.

I myself have been knocked senseless by an attractive man (I'm hetero-asexual). But I didn't really like his personality and our social situations would have made a relationship awkward anyways. It was pure physical attraction. I wanted to touch him (not sexually; just touch him, that's it. Maybe run my hand over the curves of his muscles, or feel the firmness or softness of his skin....) and even cuddle with him. But the emotional component wasn't there, and I certainly did not want to have sex with him, so I just admired him whenever I saw him and let it go.

can asexuals experience that physical magnetism to another individual that sexuals have?

Magnetism meaning you crave to see them again, you think about seeing them, and you desire to share little (or big) pieces of your life and thoughts with them, and you want to know little (or big) pieces and thoughts of theirs? You want to spend more time with them and other things seem to disappear when you are together? You want to be physically close to the person, to include touching or cuddling?

If that is what you mean, then yes. It can be instant chemistry, or a developed rapport. It can be based primarily on looks or primarily on shared interests. The only difference is, instead of having sex, asexuals crave nonsexual physical, emotional, or intellectual intimacy such as cuddling, intellectual discourse, mutual emotional sharing and support, etc. I have found that what people describe as "magnetism" can really be any type or degree of attraction, but the more types of attraction you feel simultaneously, and the intensity of each type, will make the difference between simple attraction and "magnetism" or "chemistry".

or is the attraction mainly based on the characteristic traits of the other individual?

It can go either way, like I said above.

can asexuals have a certain physical type, so far as those they usual tend to be drawn to...?

I really cannot improve on what Rin said. I myself have not found any particular "type" that I like, though I am sure there are underlying patterns that I don't see.

also, from my understanding, some asexual do masturbate in order for physical relief (correct me if im wrong). however, at the same time asexuals have no desire for sexual activity yet if they do take part in it, such as in self gratification, can they orgasm?

Alright, now we enter another realm with more new vocabulary.

Arousal: Physiological reactions to either attraction or direct stimuli. So if you are attracted to a person, you may experience physiological signs of arousal, such as erection for men or wetness for women. Or, without seeing anyone attractive, you can touch your genitals in a way that evokes a reaction. The end result is the same, but the cause of the arousal is quite different. Generally we just use this for sexual arousal but I believe if we examined ourselves closely enough we would be able to see hints of emotional, intellectual, and nonsexual physical arousal as well.

Drive: The urge to seek satisfaction of arousal. This can be arousal caused by attraction or spontaneous arousal not associated with an attraction to a specific person/thing.

Once again, you can experience one or both of these, alone or in conjunction with attraction.

Asexuals who masturbate for physical relief experience spontaneous arousal not resulting from attraction and not directed towards any person. Thus the idea of using sex to satisfy the arousal is not appealing.

Sexuals can feel both types of arousal, and from my conversations with sexuals the two types of arousal can actually feel different. Sometimes a sexual may specifically want to have sex, and sometimes the sexual would prefer to just masturbate. The latter type is likely quite similar to what asexuals experience.

I myself do not experience spontaneous arousal at all. I have never felt horny. I never would have though about masturbating if I hadn't been immersed in a sexual culture that told me I should. Seriously, if I lived on a desert island the idea of touching my genitals, or rubbing anything against them, would seem about as appealing as touching and rubbing my kneecap. If it itches, sure. Otherwise, what's the big deal?

However, with much prodding by my then-husband and reluctant effort on my part, I learned that I can in fact induce sexual arousal. I can get wet quite easily. With the help of mirrors I found that certain activities caused increased blood flow evidenced by pinkness and swelling. In a short period of time I found that I can orgasm with little effort at all, if I do just the right things with just the right "tools" (yuck, sorry). In fact, I am capable of a huge variety of orgasms that I suspect sexual women would envy. But they don't feel that great. They feel like a spasm or tic in my eye: annoying as hell. The stimulation itself can feel like anything from somewhat pleasant scratching of an itch to rather unpleasant please-stop-touching-that-ness (PSTTN ;)) Even if there is no pleasant feeling, just all PSTTN, I can still reach orgasm, so it is not like I am just not "doing it" right. I honestly just do not get a whole lot out of sexual arousal, stimulation, and release. And, of course, because I don't experience spontaneous arousal, I don't feel the urge for release unless I decide to initiate stimulation, so even the release is unnecessary. Rather than go through all the trouble I just don't stimulate arousal in myself.

So, I can do arousal, I can do orgasm, I can do attraction and physical affection...but the act of sex itself is so awkward and foreign to me that simply participating in the act is enough to kill arousal, and attraction in some cases. As hard as it may be for sexuals to understand, sex is the single biggest turn off I can think of. If I even think of another person (fantasize) during masturbation it kills arousal. In order to maintain arousal during sex I have to concentrate entirely on the physical sensation, which is quite plainly not as good as a vibrator or other "tools". So I personally have never orgasmed during sex. I came close once, but then he unfortunately realized it and said "We're going to come at the same time!" And I was like, well, not anymore! You just broke my concentration! But of course I didn't say that. So sue me if that's dishonest.

some asexuals do take part in sex just to appease their partners, so even tough the desire is not there does the body respond to sexual stimulation?

Like I said above, yes. But sometimes it is harder because there are a lot more distractions when another person is involved, so if the other person in themselves is not a stimulant (ie, if the asexual partner feels no sexual attraction for that person), it gets tough.

That above is a hard thing for sexuals with asexual partners to understand. What many sexuals read in what I just said is "My partner does not find me attractive." That is usually not the case. The asexual partner can find the sexual partner devastatingly, knees weak, breathtakingly, heart breakingly attractive. Just not the kind of attraction that culminates in sex.

I'm sexual and if im not attracted to someone, then the chances of me being turned on by them is very slim.

Yup. Since asexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone, the chances of us getting turned on by anyone is "pretty slim," to say the least. To achieve physiological arousal we must resort to other methods, which vary from one person to another. Obviously, fantasizing about someone else does nothing for us, but some asexuals actually can fantasize about fetishes, objects, fictional characters, or even porn. I am not one of these asexuals. I have to shut everything out except the physical sensation.

yet on the other hand, say that I decide to have sex with an individual I’m not very much physically or mentally drawn too, in my mind I can imagine someone else and if my partner is well skilled in love making then my body will respond irrespective of my attraction.

I already answered above, but I just thought I would point out that right there you unconsciously made the distinction between romantic attraction and the other two kinds. Physical and sexual are much harder to distinguish, but see, you already know by instinct that attraction is not just about physical lust. Allow your mind to expand on that idea.

Well, I hope that helped. As you can see, asexuals are just as diverse as sexuals. Which brings me to a final thought that you did not actually ask about:

What causes asexuality?

IMHO, there are many causes, sub-causes, and influences. Some are probably genetic. Some are probably environmental. Some are due to the interplay between genetics and environment, or the interplay between different genetic factors, or the interplay between different environmental factors. For example, I feel quite a distinction between romantic and aromantic asexuals, suggesting to me the the cause of a romantic asexual's asexuality is probably quite different than the cause of an aromantic asexual's asexuality. I also see a huge distinction between asexuals like me with no sex drive, and asexuals who have that spontaneous arousal urging them to provide sexual stimulation. Again, likely the causes for each type are quite different. And then you get into aromantic asexuals with a sex drive vs. aromantic asexuals without one, and so on and so on....It is all part of a big soup that ultimately makes us who we are, sexual or not.

Thanks so much for showing such open minded interest in asexuality. Your family is lucky to have someone as tolerant as you, whether or not your family member turns out to be asexual. And you are quite welcome to stick around and become one of our proud and well-loved resident AVEN sexuals. If you did not already know, our asexual newsletter, AVENues, is actually edited and managed by a sexual member of our community. So you are very welcome here, no matter what your orientation and flavor is!

[quest]

You guys have been very open and welcoming. thank you.

thanks Rin, Fish and esp. M51 for providing those answers. i wanted to understand exactly why this person is the way they area, like you said M51 there are countless reasons and countless combination of being asexual and why someone would be asexual.

my family is from a culture that stifles sexuality so it is not odd for women and men to rarely talk about it and be secretive about their activity. you rarely meet someone’s bf or gf until they are seriously committed to one another, then they come out to their respective families. To discuss sex out in the open is considered crude and lewd and almost criminal esp. if it is a woman. it's all very complicated....yet from what i've read on the boards and from what you guys have shared with me, i think i understand asexuality and it's many facades much better. i wish there was more research on how asexuality can be environmentally induced.

[Freed_Spirit]

Wow M51 !!! What a brilliant post. I just wanted to say, everything M51 said speaks for me too, especially the distinction between sexual, physical and romantic attraction (which I previously experienced as "phwoooar" and accordingly couldn't understand why my phwoooar was so wildly different to a sexual person's phwoooar!!!!!).

Thanks for asking the questions, quest.

[M51]

:oops: Aw shucks.

When I decide to post I do have a tendency to write novels. Glad you thought it was a good one!

[bug]

Yes, it was very good.

I just take issue with one point where you say that asexuals do not fantasise about anyone when masturbating.

Somewhere here it was discussed that asexuals can and sometimes do fantasise about someone, but that it strictly remains fantasy, and they would not take it into reality with that person under any conditions. This certainly applies to me.

I feel the fantasy is my way of releasing my emotional feelings for the person, since I can't release them in the normal sexual way. This is certainly complicated and the reason why I used to think I couldn't possibly be asexual. It was a relief to find other asexuals here experiencing masturbatory fantasies the way that I do.

[maia]

:oops: Aw shucks.

When I decide to post I do have a tendency to write novels. Glad you thought it was a good one!

I just have to repeat the others and saythat that was a fantastic post and wholely deserving of a big slice of

:D