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Best Friend Doesn't Understand


pharper07

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My best friend, ex boyfriend, and current roommate doesn’t think my asexuality is possible. While he knows me well enough to know our previous relationship didn’t work because I don’t want to have sex, we get along on so many levels otherwise that we have stayed the best of friends. I tell him lots of things I won’t tell anyone else, and vice versa.

I brought up the issue of my asexuality with him recently, and his reaction was basically “no, your not asexual”. Blink. He’s an intelligent guy who doesn’t want children, and is pro-choice. He has known me for some 7 years, and while he’s not at all introspective (the other reason we couldn’t make a romantic, sexual relationship work), he knows a lot about relationships.

What I can’t get is why someone like him, knowing all the problems I’ve had, can’t deal with my being asexual. He’s not hoping I’ll change. He’s got a steady girlfriend and is reasonably happy with the relationship. Is it possible because of our past (not very positive) sexual encounters that he just cant understand that this concept?

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choose_abstinence

You should tell both of them that you were NOT turned on when you lost your virginity. If they thought you enjoyed it, I can see why they refuse to believe you are asexual if you used to be sexual in the past. Something that they will understand is that your past is behind you and that you have "changed" and are no longer interested and have become asexual. If you can demostate that you have no attraction, drive, do not get horny or do anything remotely sexual, then they will believe you are now asexual.

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That must be really frustrating. Does he not believe that asexuality is real, or does he just think that you in particular are not asexual? If it's the second reason then it seems rather unfair of him to assume you don't understand your own feelings properly, whereas if it's the first then he might just need more time to get his head around the idea that asexuality even exists. He's probably never thought such a thing possible before so maybe he just needs a little 'educating' on what it is? I hope he starts to be more accepting for you.

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Hallucigenia

Some sexuals are so used to being turned on and enjoying themselves when they do sexual things that they have trouble imagining people doing sexual things for any other reason. If that's the case with your roommate, then some careful explanation and education will probably eventually turn him around.

He may also be mentally exaggerating the extent to which you enjoyed yourself in previous encounters, because he probably was enjoying himself and it's not very pleasant to think of yourself as enjoying sexual things with a partner who's miserable. Keep on the lookout for bruised egos!

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I concur with Hallu and also add that some people just cannot comprehend a life without sexuality. I have seen it before. It defies logic. It defies experience (such as a break up because you did not want sex). It is purely an emotional reaction that they could not imagine themselves without asexuality so they cannot imagine you without asexuality. There is really nothing you can do about it except continue to be friends and continue to be asexual. Just know you are not alone. Or I guess I should say, your friend/roommate/ex is not alone!

The first person I came out to has known for two years. She still doesn't believe asexuality is possible. But we are still friends.

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I don't tell my friends, because I know they wouldn't understand.

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My best friend, ex boyfriend, and current roommate doesn’t think my asexuality is possible.

I wouldn't fret it. There will be more people in your life who won't believe it. Wait'll there's something important to worry about.

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You might try showing him the About Asexuality page on this website. I too had problems explaining it to my best friend, and I'm still not sure he understands completely, but it did help to explain it all very thoroughly.

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Thank you all for responding to this post I made. I mentioned the website, but he's not interested in reading it. Go figure. His not understanding is not detrimental to our relationship, but his views did surprise me.

In other news, I recently came out to a friend of mine who DOES want a sexual relationship with me, and he was disappointed, but understanding. In fact, he's glad I can finally pin down my feelings about asexuality, which I could not have down without the help of these forums.

I just don't relish the difficulty I'm going to face in the near and not so near future, as I meet new people. We asexuals are few and far between.

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He may also be mentally exaggerating the extent to which you enjoyed yourself in previous encounters, because he probably was enjoying himself and it's not very pleasant to think of yourself as enjoying sexual things with a partner who's miserable. Keep on the lookout for bruised egos!

An excellent point, Hallu, and one I would urge anyone to consider if your discussing your asexuality with a previous sexual partner. In my case, my friend is very laid back about such things, however, he also hides his feelings about many things, so I'm careful when I discuss personal issues with him.

I feel I was able to delicately explain that while I might have "enjoyed" having sex with him on some occasions, my lack of interest in it has nothing to do with him whatsover. Due to the fact I have refused to have sex with anyone else for years gives that statement a lot of truth, which he clearly sees as fact.

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I just don't relish the difficulty I'm going to face in the near and not so near future, as I meet new people. We asexuals are few and far between.

Just remember, it's not necessary to tell everyone. Other than a potential partner, who would you have to tell? And why? It's such a non-issue in an irrelevant situation. Employers don't have the right to know (and chances are, they couldn't care less), family members and friends who keep trying to set you up with people, just keep saying 'no' and if they trick you, remind them that they have JUST lost your trust.

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  • 2 weeks later...

some times its the word asexual its self that is not understood.

My asexual wife does not belive she is asexual, she just has no desire or enjoyment for sex.

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RomanceIsLost

It's a tough situation. I have no problem with telling people - I don't go around shouting it, but if sexuality comes up in a conversation and somebody asks me, I have no problem with attempting to explain asexuality. But although I have a certain amount of 'a-pride' and I believe that we should try to educate other people about asexuality, I still think it's not an easy thing to explain and I've had less than positive reactions in the past. Sometimes it really wears me out, trying to explain it.

Fortunately the people who matter to me accept how I feel, even if they don't fully understand asexuality. I think it would annoy me a lot if a friend or relative said that they didn't believe me. I don't know why, because my sexuality is my business and nobody else's, but that's how I would feel...

I gathered from your posts that it doesn't affect your friendship/relationship with this person. That's a good thing. I hope he opens his mind and decides to learn at some point, but until then, as other people have said, his opinion about your sexuality is pretty irrelevant.

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