Married to an asexual

[lolita]

Hi, I recently discovered that my partner is asexual and am not sure how to deal with it. I love my partner dearly and don't want to end our relationship. But I have sexual needs and desires but my religion does not permit me to have other partners.

Can anyone advise me on how I can deal with this?

Thanks,

Lolita

[Clowd Cole]

I dont know if this is a good idea are not (Seeing that I am not married), but could you not just masterbate? :?

[yay]

you could try working out an agreement, like say you have sex once every 2 weeks or whatever it is your partner could deal with.

masterbating is an option too.

or you could always take up chocolate- some people like it more than sex. you can just find another hobby you like nd try to replace it with sex maybe?

[yay]

**replace sex with the hobby

[Flour Confessor]

Mmm, I don't think any of those suggestions would work in practice. Masturbation has none of the emotional closeness associated with the real thing, and if it's sex you want, chocolate or hobbies won't replace it.

Sadly, there aren't many options when a couple is faced with this scenario. The best you can realistically hope for is a compromise; have sex on a schedule you both agree upon. It'll be hard for both of you, but either having normal amounts of sex or no sex at all is going to be extremely hard on one of you. Some people (and their partners) are okay with taking care of sexual needs outside of the relationship, but this is obviously pretty objectionable to a great deal of monogamous couples

Best of luck to you and your s/o, and sorry there's not more we can do. :(

[ghosts]

Moving this to For Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies. :)

-ghosts, Relationships moderator

[Hallucigenia]

The best you can realistically hope for is a compromise; have sex on a schedule you both agree upon.

Well, to be fair, there's a little bit more to compromise than this. Fyi, some asexuals are more comfortable with some sexual acts than others. If the concept of full-on intercourse on a schedule is too overwhelming for your partner, you could see if they feel better about exploring other sexual acts, or pseudo-sexual activities such as holding or talking to you while you self-satisfy. I've also heard of some asexuals who will find it easier or more difficult to compromise depending on things like the position and the kinds of foreplay you use.

That's just "some", though - I imagine some other asexuals would rather just have normal sex and get it over with, and some asexuals won't be comfortable with anything that involves genital stimulation of anyone. What it really depends on is your partner's individual feelings, and the only way to find those out is by having some honest conversations with them, not us. :)

The one thing that, in my experience, turns all asexuals (and many sexuals) off is pressure. For a compromise to work, the asexual partner has to feel comfortable with what they're being asked to do and to feel like they are freely doing it as a gift to you. Whether this happens or not largely depends on how well the nonsexual aspects of your relationship are holding together.

[SnakesAndSnails]

I'm still kind of new here and don't really know to what degree your partner is asexual or entriely what that may mean when it comes to their bounderies, but have you maybe tried using toys? I know a few heterosexual cisgender couples that have a great time using things like strapons/dildos (the male partner using them for the female partner). Partner masturbation may not be entirely out of the question, and it may be more comfortable for him then engaging in physical intercourse? Just a thought. Being stone myself, I've had to work my way around situations like this in the past. I'd suggest just remaining open and discussing bounderies. Sex shouldn't have to be a compromise that leaves either partner uncomfortable. There's enough guilt surrounding it in our society already.

[Kallan]

I agree with hallu. It's really hard to give advice without knowing specifics. Having your partner come to AVEN would help the both of you explore your options.

[lnas]

Obviously this complicates things, but it definitely can work out. I am an asexual--though I am indifferent towards sex, not repulsed--and I was in a relationship that, though it is over now, was successful from a sexual standpoint. It has to involve compromise--you may have sex less than you like, while your husband will have sex more than he likes.

And it helped me to remember a few things--I knew that my boyfriend wanted to have sex with me because he loved me, and that's one of the ways he used to express his love. I knew that, though I couldn't find people physically attractive, his wanting to have sex with me meant that he found me attractive, so I accepted that as a compliment and moved on. And, relatively speaking, we didn't spend that much time having sex compared to all of the time we spent doing other things.

I don't know if any of this will help you, but it helped me. I think you definitely should have a discussion about boundaries--there may be some things he doesn't mind doing as much as others, so it would be good to know that.

And don't assume that being asexual means that someone is averse to all physical contact--some of us love cuddling, and it might help you to have some physical closeness to your partner even if you are not having the sex you want.