dealing with loneliness

[h.am]

Hi everyone!

How do you guys deal with loneliness? Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but i’m finding it increasingly harder as I get older and all of my allo friends are getting into relationships. I don’t have any ace friends and don’t really know how to go about meeting any either so just feel really disconnected

[Tanwen]

I'm often alone, but I'm one of those people who are quite happy in their own company, and I realise not everyone is, I very seldom feel lonely. Hopefully, others can give better advice.

Have you thought of popping by the 'Welcome Lounge'?  THere are meet-ups arranged too (depending where you live)   

[Ramengirl]

I learned to love being alone, I talk to people online, sometimes with my friends when they are not busy, I try to make new friends with an app hangout with them and play videogames

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

Do you have any ace meet ups in your area? I have made some great friends through them, in fact I only have a few friends and all are in the ace community.

 

Although, personally speaking, the majority of the time I prefer to be alone. It is nice to meet up with them every now and again though.

[Chef Remy]

Think this is a problem for older asexuals. As their allo friends get married or couple up and either don’t make time for you, or you feel like fifth wheel hanging out with them.

Don’t really have answer for this as this is something I struggle with L

Some people like meetup groups, find a hobby and get with people who share the same hobby as you. The beauty of the social media and video teleconferencing is you can meet and talk to people who are not in your geographic area. Though it is not the same as actually meeting and hanging out with people in the real world.

It is harder making new friends and meeting people when you are older. And actually developing friendships vs just an acquaintance.

The world is not made or designed for single unpartnered folks.

[Lord Jade Cross]

7 minutes ago, Chef Remy said:

 

The world is not made or designed for single unpartnered folks.

Ive always had a problem with this, even at an age where people normally dont talk about partners. 

 

Maybe its due to that I was always the freak in my settings and noone would have wanted to be around "the weird kid" but I just couldnt stomach the thought of constantly being around others. Not out of some arrogant sense of superiority but because being around people generally made me feel increadibly uncomfortable.

[XDoge]

1 hour ago, Chef Remy said:

It is harder making new friends and meeting people when you are older. And actually developing friendships vs just an acquaintance.

The world is not made or designed for single unpartnered folks.

Yeah, this hits me hard. All of my friends are either getting jobs in other cities or finding a romantic partner, and I see them less and less. It's awful... I'd love to partner up with a best friend, but I can't see that happening in the near future, so I'm kind of just trying to get along with the loneliness for now, until I have the means to try and actually do something about it. The problem is that time keeps moving forward and I feel there'll be less opportunity to make close friends the older I get...

I try to take it one day at a time, but the pressure is real.

[Chef Remy]

2 hours ago, XDoge said:

Yeah, this hits me hard. All of my friends are either getting jobs in other cities or finding a romantic partner, and I see them less and less. It's awful... I'd love to partner up with a best friend, but I can't see that happening in the near future, so I'm kind of just trying to get along with the loneliness for now, until I have the means to try and actually do something about it. The problem is that time keeps moving forward and I feel there'll be less opportunity to make close friends the older I get...

I try to take it one day at a time, but the pressure is real.

I agree. Think the dating pool or pool of potential partners decreases as you get older. Where if you are in thirties and still single and don't have kids something most be wrong with you or you don't have your life together.

And a lot of single in thirties usually are divorced, have kids, or some other drama.

 

Before I found about the term asexual. Always thought I would have settled down or find someone after I got of the military. But sadly like you, feel like I let life pass me by

[Lord Jade Cross]

3 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

I agree. Think the dating pool or pool of potential partners decreases as you get older. Where if you are in thirties and still single and don't have kids something most be wrong with you or you don't have your life together.

And a lot of single in thirties usually are divorced, have kids, or some other drama.

 

Before I found about the term asexual. Always thought I would have settled down or find someone after I got of the military. But sadly like you, feel like I let life pass me by

I feel like this is a self sabotaging idea or stereotype that pushes people to get married in early 20's when they are not financially stable for the most part (there are exceptions of course), some may not be mature enough to handle the responsibilities of a marriage or kids (again, there are exceptions), which on their own are horrendeously sugar coated "happily ever after" ideas, as if marriage began and ended at the after party, or children, and the responsibility they demand, are over and done with when they reach their second birthday. 

 

There is a reason they are called "life long commitments" but I feel everyone (generally speaking, not trying to single out anyone here) has made this out to be a status thing, which inevitably ends up with the situations like being divorced in your 30's, likely facing a custody battle, drama ensuing in your life, etc.

 

I wouldnt say people shouldnt date at their 20's but dont rush to marriage and even less, kids, until your feet are planted firmly on the ground because this is no longer the era where a part time job allowed you to raise a family and I feel people havent gotten this through their heads enough to realise that rushing into them is a terrible idea that you just cant  "wing it" as previous generations did

[Geekykitty]

20 hours ago, h.am said:

Hi everyone!

How do you guys deal with loneliness? Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but i’m finding it increasingly harder as I get older and all of my allo friends are getting into relationships. I don’t have any ace friends and don’t really know how to go about meeting any either so just feel really disconnected

Yes I feel lonely sometimes. I don't really have any friends, just work aquaintances I guess you'd call them. But even when I was younger and had friends and lived with my family I felt very lonely because I didn't feel close or truly connected to anyone. All I ever wanted was someone to understand me, to love me, and someone I could truly be myself around without having to always be acting a certain way to fit in or be liked. I guess most people want that. I guess the point is even if you are surrounded by people you can still feel lonely if you don't connect with those people. 

Anyways, I don't know how to make friends either, and actually I don't really care that much about having lots of semi kinda friend people. I'd rather have just one person who I truly connect with and love. I guess I have that with my cat. Do you like cats or dogs? Animals actually can make great friends - more loyal and loving then humans ! My cat is my best friend and I don't feel lonely when I'm around her. 

[ambrpo]

On 4/7/2022 at 10:22 AM, XDoge said:

Yeah, this hits me hard. All of my friends are either getting jobs in other cities or finding a romantic partner, and I see them less and less. It's awful... I'd love to partner up with a best friend, but I can't see that happening in the near future, so I'm kind of just trying to get along with the loneliness for now, until I have the means to try and actually do something about it. The problem is that time keeps moving forward and I feel there'll be less opportunity to make close friends the older I get...

I try to take it one day at a time, but the pressure is real.

I feel the same way, its hard getting close to people only to have them find a partner and then spend most of their time with that other person and/or watch them move away. Connection is really important for me, I feel like especially being asexual, but its hard to focus on my own life when I want to wedge myself into other people's so i'll have them around.

To the original post, disconnection is a really overarching feeling that I feel as well and, although I'm still working on it, whats important is making sure that you're living the life that you want, including a job, hobbies, pets etc... Finding a job that interests you almost automatically puts you in a space with like-minded people, as do hobbies. The habits and life you live day by day shape up to how your life long term will be. 

It's really hard being lonely, one of the hardest and most overwhelming things i've felt in my own life. There are people who will make an effort, though, and there are groups of people in the same boat and you'll find them eventually, we all will  ◡̈ .

[The Abhorred]

On 4/7/2022 at 11:04 PM, Chef Remy said:

Where if you are in thirties and still single and don't have kids something most be wrong with you or you don't have your life together.

You reminded me of an episode from "sex and the city" called "the freaks". Where the main character Carrie, spoke about the theory that after 30 those who are single are most likely some kind of a freak, only to realize that she herself was a freak. (That was the day I came face to face with my freak: The frightening woman whose fear ate her sanity.)

 

"Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better." is the conclusion of the episode. For some people being a freak is like an honor title, I'd add. 😂

[Lilibulero]

2 hours ago, The Abhorred said:

Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us and understand us and kiss our three heads and make it all better." is the conclusion of the episode. For some people being a freak is like an

As an ace, I don't really want someone kissing any of my heads🤣

[The Abhorred]

3 hours ago, Lilibulero said:

As an ace, I don't really want someone kissing any of my heads🤣

🤣 What about a nice relaxing massage?

[Lilibulero]

52 minutes ago, The Abhorred said:

🤣 What about a nice relaxing massage?

Sorry, I don't go further than messages!

[The Abhorred]

1 minute ago, Lilibulero said:

Sorry, I don't go further than messages!

What else there is after having a nice relaxing head massage?! Sleep? I don't know 😂

[Lilibulero]

@The Abhorred, well if you find out, let me know.

[Breezer]

I just went through a break up and even though I know thats what was best for us the loneliness has really started to hit me. This was my first real relationship and it was before I realized the extent of my asexuality. Now I'm scared I'll always be lonely because of how hard it is to find a partner that either accpets asexuality or is asexual themselves. My friends are moving on with their lives and I had to move back home for external reasons. As of now I'm focusing on things that make me happy and honestly just keeping busy, and it is helping. Keeping busy has always been a go to for me to just keep going and gives me opportunities to not feel so lonely. 

[XDoge]

2 hours ago, Breezer said:

I just went through a break up and even though I know thats what was best for us the loneliness has really started to hit me. This was my first real relationship and it was before I realized the extent of my asexuality. Now I'm scared I'll always be lonely because of how hard it is to find a partner that either accpets asexuality or is asexual themselves. My friends are moving on with their lives and I had to move back home for external reasons. As of now I'm focusing on things that make me happy and honestly just keeping busy, and it is helping. Keeping busy has always been a go to for me to just keep going and gives me opportunities to not feel so lonely. 

I'm going through something very similar right now. Was perfectly happy in my relationship, thought my girlfriend was as well (at least she told me so), but then she broke up with me out of nowhere. Like, literally. We had been dating for almost four years... It's been two months already, but sometimes I still have nightmares with her and wake up in the middle of the night.

But I can say the wound has been slowly healing. Getting busy is a pretty good idea, but it's also good to give yourself some time with the sadness when it gets too overwhelming...

To deal with it, I started focusing more on myself, seeing which steps I can take to be where I wanna be in life now that I am on my own, hanging out with my friends whenever I can, and crying on their shoulder if necessary... Stuff like that.

And while the fear of not finding another partner is real, I think nowadays there are more ways to go about it, with dating apps, meetups in real life and such. I, for one, plan to find a job in a bigger city and, once I do, move to it, because I know there are a lot more aces there (I won't move there now, but in a few years once I actually have the means to do it).

I kinda wanted to tell my story here because I related so much to yours, and I just wanted to say: don't lose hope. If you lose it, find it again. I think that's the most important thing.

[Breezer]

8 hours ago, XDoge said:

I'm going through something very similar right now. Was perfectly happy in my relationship, thought my girlfriend was as well (at least she told me so), but then she broke up with me out of nowhere. Like, literally. We had been dating for almost four years... It's been two months already, but sometimes I still have nightmares with her and wake up in the middle of the night.

But I can say the wound has been slowly healing. Getting busy is a pretty good idea, but it's also good to give yourself some time with the sadness when it gets too overwhelming...

To deal with it, I started focusing more on myself, seeing which steps I can take to be where I wanna be in life now that I am on my own, hanging out with my friends whenever I can, and crying on their shoulder if necessary... Stuff like that.

And while the fear of not finding another partner is real, I think nowadays there are more ways to go about it, with dating apps, meetups in real life and such. I, for one, plan to find a job in a bigger city and, once I do, move to it, because I know there are a lot more aces there (I won't move there now, but in a few years once I actually have the means to do it).

I kinda wanted to tell my story here because I related so much to yours, and I just wanted to say: don't lose hope. If you lose it, find it again. I think that's the most important thing.

Thanks for this post dude! Haven't really had a chance to interact with other people alot on here so I appreciate the encouragment! I'm real sorry to hear about your gf, but I'm glad that you're healing. Mine was very recent so I'm definetly still in the overwhelming sad part, but I do have hope things will get better. I would also like to believe that there are really other aces out there and not the small population everybody says there is, still thanks for adding this bit of hope to my day

[Guest]

Personally I'm rarely lonely. I've got a lot of different interests I can engage in, and it's not unheard of for me to prioritize my own projects over social opportunities. That being said I do have some great internet friends whom I really enjoy 1-on-1 chats with.

 

For me the most effective has been to meet new friends based on a shared interest. Sure, you won't click with everyone, but once you find someone on your wavelength you already have a commonality to talk about and may discover further ones in the process.

[AltairNox]

Hey @h.am

 

On 4/7/2022 at 2:15 PM, h.am said:

all of my allo friends are getting into relationships

This is unfortunately something we all go through - and it can be quite painful if you don’t have a good network around you. Sure it would be easier to learn to love being alone, but sometimes you just need conversation or physical contact.

 

You can always try to to create an ace meet up, but if there isn’t any aces close to you, then I would suggest trying out new activities, join new clubs or anything that interests you which involves other people. I once joined a group that helped young people handle difficult situations, and got to learn a lot of new people through the organization. As well as every time I go to a new school or find a new interest there are plenty of ways to meet new people and get new friends, but it can take a while before you find the right people.

 

I hope this helps 💜

 

[brbdogsonfire]

On 4/7/2022 at 5:15 AM, h.am said:

Hi everyone!

How do you guys deal with loneliness? Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but i’m finding it increasingly harder as I get older and all of my allo friends are getting into relationships. I don’t have any ace friends and don’t really know how to go about meeting any either so just feel really disconnected

For feelings of loneliness I highly recommend looking into online table top roleplays. They can be a great normally weekly 4-6 hour social club in which you and your group explore a made up world together. It sounds lame but it can be very fun to build a world and friends together.

 

In recent years the roleplay culture has massively shifted from a all guys club to now the majority of my players are women as are the majority of applicants when i open my campaign to new players. The culture overall is also extremely understanding and is predominantly LGBTQ friendly. People kinda have to be tolerant of differing views in order to roleplay. 

 

I am a very asocial person but even I am frequently messaging or hanging out with my players throughout the week. I have made what I would consider friends from AVEN by role-playing with them, and I have learned so much from them.

 

I the website roll20.net has a looking for group forum in which you can be very specific on what you want. There are groups for women, men, younger kids, teenagers, and old farts like me, there are groups that don't mind sexual explicit material and groups like mine that do not tolerate any. You can find a group of like minded people if you try and then have a good excuse to hang out online every week.

[Sister Mercurial]

On 4/19/2022 at 10:29 AM, The Abhorred said:

For some people being a freak is like an honor title, I'd add. 😂

 

[Sister Mercurial]

In all seriousness, the suggestions about meeting people around hobbies are good ones, not least because the folks who are busy raising kids don't tend to have much time for hobbies.  

[NHD]

On 4/7/2022 at 7:15 AM, h.am said:

Hi everyone!

How do you guys deal with loneliness? Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but i’m finding it increasingly harder as I get older and all of my allo friends are getting into relationships. I don’t have any ace friends and don’t really know how to go about meeting any either so just feel really disconnected

I just try to keep busy with work or a MeetUp group in my area that's "worded" to have a shared interest of mine and its description.

It seems like the more I try to do things that I've always wanted to do or things that I would have never done before stepping out on courage, the more it shakes off people from my past. The part of living life as a go-getter feels good, but only newer people who are choosing to have contact with me (which is seeming temporarily,) are there just to text with. A texting associate of mine just texted me earlier today "just make friends and do things I like." I used to take myself out to places I liked (a quick bite to eat at a bar and grill restaurant, or find somewhere I thought it was halfway fun that a person can go by themselves and not look bad for being there by their self), but I took myself out to eat a few months ago and felt horrible now that I'm older. It wasn't the same.

[Elizabeth Bennet]

Thank you all in this topic to share your feelings, because I was feeling very lonely...at being lonely (badum tsss!).

 

As a somewhat older asexual (30s), my lovely and comforting group of friends is mostly entering that age where they partner and get married, start talking mortgage and kids, and I find myself more and more isolated. Even when we gather and just chat about our lives, I feel disconnected because I have no one to plan a life with,  so I don't participate much in most of the conversations, and sometimes they fail to see I feel left out. It's sad, because I'd love to have a partner (I consider myself romantic); but I live in a very sexualised country, where asexuality not only isn't popular, it's basically laughed at and ridiculed as if it were some sort of mental illness (I haven't even come out to my parents, what's the point). I live in a very small(minded) city, and I haven't tried to meet any other aces In the area because even being plainly "gay" would be a bad tag in here.

My love language is touch and hugs, and most of my friends live in other cities and countries, so loneliness is really my closest partner at the moment.

 

[LeChat]

46 minutes ago, plund3r said:

Thank you all in this topic to share your feelings, because I was feeling very lonely...at being lonely (badum tsss!)...

 

On 4/8/2022 at 4:41 AM, Geekykitty said:

Yes I feel lonely sometimes. I don't really have any friends, just work aquaintances I guess you'd call them...All I ever wanted was someone to understand me, to love me, and someone I could truly be myself around without having to always be acting a certain way to fit in or be liked. I guess most people want that. I guess the point is even if you are surrounded by people you can still feel lonely if you don't connect with those people... 

Thanks, for sharing your feelings, experiences, etc. Me too.