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Shortcutmethod

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Shortcutmethod

Hey everyone, I am new to this so I hope my questions are within the expected topic. Also it's 3am, I should be doing homework and only on two cups of coffee, and think having the TV on is making me "slapp happy" (lauging at things that are funny but not that funny). So if I don't make sense let me know! Also I thought I already posted this but everytime I visit a new section of the website I get logged off so if this comes up like three times sorry!

So I'm 22 male, and gay(?) (it will make sense as you read)

OK so there's my deal! I have two things I'm confused about.

First: I am sexually and emotionally attracted to guys. However, everyonce in a rare while I will find myself emotionally but not sexually attracted to a female. This has only happened twice, and only happened to two specific people. So any thoughts on why I am attracted to guys but then to a specific female (very rarely)?

Second: Relationships (all with males) have been....interesting to say the least. I have not dated the best people, but more recently I have found people who I thought were...more mature (can take care of themself, have a job, don't do drugs...basics I guess, but as I said I have been with maybe not the best people, heavy smokers, drugs, no job). But in any case it always seems that once the relationshp starts to get sexual or does get sexual, the relationship ends.

Some specific case are like last year or so I was dating someone for almost two months, then on Valentine's Day got dumped on myspace, and (I think it's because he was turned on because he thought I wasn't sexually experienced and when he realized I that I have had some experiences it was a turn off), and two weeks before that (before I left for school), another case was after a week of haning out he wanted to be sexual and I said no so I got dumped the next day. I have also found that the people I've dated are quick to become sexual (try to make out on the first date, wondering hands..).

So my question is why when my relationships start to seem or become sexual they end (and I am not talking about personal sexual problems or anything like that, I am trying to look at the emotional level), and it's not that I don't want sex or am afraid of it but I would rather an emotional relationship without sex than a sexual relationship without emotion (a balance would be ideal).

So thanks for reading this, I know a bit long I really appreciate it!

Chris

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Sounds a tricky one, but certainly one that is familiar.

I've never quite made it to dating, but friends that have make it to the sexual stage pretty quickly. That was when I started questioning. If relationships were all about sex, then what happens if you're not really interested in going to that stage?

I have been told (ironically by my highly sexual gay friends) that relationships are not all about sex, but it would probably take a special person to ignore the fact you're not interested.

Not sure that's helpful....but at least you know you're not alone :cake: for you

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Hallucigenia
First: I am sexually and emotionally attracted to guys. However, everyonce in a rare while I will find myself emotionally but not sexually attracted to a female. This has only happened twice, and only happened to two specific people. So any thoughts on why I am attracted to guys but then to a specific female (very rarely)?

One of the best-kept secrets of sexual orientation is that love and sex aren't the same thing, and don't have to always follow the same patterns. There are a lot more people than you think who are monosexual but have fallen in love with both genders, or who are bisexual but only fall in love with one gender. It's confusing, but it's true.

If you want sex, but only in an emotionally connected relationship, then it doesn't sound like you're asexual - just sounds like you have different tastes from the people you've been trying to date. Other than that, and my sympathies, I don't know what to say.

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Wolf X Omega

Well, It happens sometimes, i've been attracted to a few guys, but that feeling never made the light of day, mostly because i don't even date girls which is the gender that i'd appreciate being in a relationship with, i just can't picture myself in a relationship with another guy, but even tought i felt attracted to some, so don't feel alone cus there are other people who passes through the same situations as you.

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Kawaii_Neko

It seems to me that you might be asexual, actually. Or a varient of, anyway. The way that you are looking for that emotional connection, with or without sex, seems to be a running theme within the asexual community.

Do you crave sex the way that the sexuals in the forums describe? Some asexuals have low grade sex drives and still feel that sense of attraction, but don't have an inclination or desire to "go-all-the-way."

As far as being attracted to the random female it could, again, stem from that need inside to connect to someone on a non-physical level. And somewhere inside, a part of you is recognizing that person (whether male or female) as someone you need to, or should, connect to. Remember, only you can identify yourself and your orientation. You'll not be ostracized here, no matter which river you flow down. :D

Just my thoughts. Welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake: :cake:

^__^

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Welcome to AVEN! Have some :cake:

Not knowing specifics about your situation, I'd suggest that the reason your relationships end when they're getting sexual (as long as it's not that you don't want it) is maybe because you just haven't met the 'right person', as cliché as that may sound. It seems that the emotional connection is just as important to you, which is a good thing no doubt. However, that means that if you don't have enough trust in the relationship, sex could just be the thing to make it fall apart.

As for the liking of girls, I wouldn't worry about it so much. There have been several conversations here that I've seen addressing attraction without sexual involvement, homosexuals with biaffectionality, and other such things. What I'd say is that it sounds like you've just met a couple of girls that you really click with. In my experience, this often leads to excellent friendships, and the thing with girls with gay male friends, is that the girls will often see him as a 'safe' guy friend; free of potential sexual complications.

And you know, if I'm totally off the mark with any of this, feel free to ignore anything I've said, since it's just my take on things.:P

Luck! We're all here to rant to when you need it.:D

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In my experience the gay community (gay men esspecially) have been victims of the sexual revolution the way GRBRD described (check the home page quote), in that they learn to over-emphasize the importance of sex. That being said I've met a couple of homo-romantic asexuals on AVEN who are very sweet, and often dissapointed with the forementioned state of affairs. (man my writing's really weird today).

Anyway, as to your emotional attraction to a select few females. I am mostly attracted to women, but there are a few men that I have been attracted to as well. I think that is probably true of most people when it comes to emotional attraction. The basis for emotional attraction is behavioral, rather than biological. The women you were emotionally attracted to most likely had those behavioral characteristics you look for, but usually only find in men (also since you're sexually attracted to men, you look to find those traits more often). The men I've been attracted to had certain behavioral traits that are usually found in women (empathy, artisticness, calmness). don't know if that was helpfull, but I hope it was...somewhere in there.

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