While we are on the subject of Comprimise....

[nine_breaker]

Let me post a question to anyone that can provide some sort of answer? S married to A. A comprimise has been reached where in sex is scheduled. Not a problem. Problem lies in the fact that the act itself is not the problem. If the act was the only problem then I would have no problem going outside of our marriage for it as my wife has given me "Her Blessing" to do so as long as I inform her of said transgression and she does not discover this for herself. The problem is that sex is the most intimate, most loving, most passionate form of affection that I feel two people can share, for you can only truly share everything that goes with sex with one person and one person only. The person you love. So I ask what good is the comprimise if there is no feeling behind the act, no passion behind the opera, no character to the actors, and you know that the comprimise is only to appease what is being percived as perhaps a shallow physical need, when in reality it is the emotional aspect that is missing from my side of that puzzle? And I appoligize if I am a bit long winded, she says I tend not to know when my foot has gone all the way down my throat. :?

[Three Steps At A Time]

it sounds like what you are missing is not sex, but love. do you not see evidence that your wife loves you? think about it.

asexuals do not express their love through intercourse. for us, fr whatever reason, sex is not something of special significance to us. for some asexuals it is a chore, for others it is significantly more unpleasant than that. the point though is that it has nothing to do with how we feel about our partners.

if you are looking for signs of love from your wife don't look for it in her willingness tro have sex, or in how much pleasure she does or does not take from it.

again, good luck. as Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"

[Nalle Neversure]

So I ask what good is the comprimise if there is no feeling behind the act, no passion behind the opera, no character to the actors, and you know that the comprimise is only to appease what is being percived as perhaps a shallow physical need, when in reality it is the emotional aspect that is missing from my side of that puzzle?

She may not feel same kind feelings you do. But that does not mean that she doesn't feel anything! I understand that you want her to feel same kind of sexual love that you feel... But I try to explain this in a different way. (And I'm still figuring this out myself too. So sorry about all the illogicalities and things like that. :? :) And this is just my opinion...)

In your world sex is "the most intimate, most loving, most passionate form of affection" like you said. I love the way of saying that it's like a super hug (that made sense to me)!!!! You want to have sex with her because you love her. You want to express and fulfill your love towards her by having sex with her.

I believe that's what she wants too. She wants to have sex with you because she loves you. She wants to express her love towards you by having sex with you. It maybe doesn't fulfill her love towards you, because her way of loving you doesn't include loving sexually. Her love can be fulfilled without having sex with you. But she definitely does it because she loves you (and you know that)! She has sex with you to make it possible for you to fulfill your love towards her, sort of... :?

You said that you have sex with the person you love and that person only, and so does she!

So imagine this picture:

You have had a perfect loving day with just two of you. You've made all the things that you enjoy doing together: bowling, long walks, dinner in a romantic restaurant etc. whatever that perfect loving day means to you. She feels that her love towards you is fulfilled during that day. But you don't and she knows that. So she wants to have sex with you, because she knows that sex is "the highest form of love" for you (couldn't figure out better way to say that). She may not enjoy it the same way you do, but she enjoys it in her way. And her way of enjoying it isn't "less real" because it's not sexual way...

Do I make any sense with this? :?

And I appoligize if I am a bit long winded, she says I tend not to know when my foot has gone all the way down my throat. :?

And I feel like I'm digging a hole to myself, 'cause I can't explain this the right way. It doesn't come out the way I want... I'm far too philosophic compared to my ability to express my thoughts in written (or any other) form, at least in English.

[Nico-Nico Friendo]

Well I was thinking that maybe if your way of feeling loved (and expressing love) is through sex, and your wife doesn't mind doing that to make you happy, you could do something equally rewarding for her in return.

Find out what her ultimate idea of feeling loved and expressing love is (such as cuddles, hugs, or whatever it may be), and do that in return. Would that work?

My mom's way of expressing her love to me is through buying me stuff. But I don't really care about getting material things so much. I would rather she listen, spend time with, and try to understand me than try to buy me things to show her love. But that's not her way of saying she loves me. I don't understand why she'd rather give me gifts than spend quality time with me. It's as if we speak two different emotional languages and it's very frusterating.

What I'm trying to say is that you could find out what each other's needs are, learn each other's 'love language' and use it to express love for one another. Does that make sense?

[Chiaroscuro]

What I'm trying to say is that you could find out what each other's needs are, learn each other's 'love language' and use it to express love for one another. Does that make sense?

I think that's a lovely way of thinking about it, Lunamoth. Compromising is, by definition, "a settlement of a dispute that's achieved by both sides making concessions." Making a concession means doing something you'd rather not do. So if your partner can do it, having sex with you in order to make you feel happy and loved is a good compromise. And, as Luna says, part of compromising is you making a concession of your own, so the deal feels fair to both sides.

That's important, because the second definition of compromise is "the acceptance of standards that are lower than desirable." Neither of you should feel compromised by your relationship.

*hugs*

-Chiaroscuro

[cijay]

The problem is that sex is the most intimate, most loving, most passionate form of affection that I feel two people can share, for you can only truly share everything that goes with sex with one person and one person only. The person you love. So I ask what good is the comprimise if there is no feeling behind the act, no passion behind the opera, no character to the actors, and you know that the comprimise is only to appease what is being percived as perhaps a shallow physical need, when in reality it is the emotional aspect that is missing from my side of that puzzle? And I appoligize if I am a bit long winded, she says I tend not to know when my foot has gone all the way down my throat. :?

I ask the same question. If one finds sex to be the ultimate, most passionate expression etc etc and the other finds it to be as exciting and intimate as tying a shoe for someone else - what good it the compromise?

That's for each couple to work out and you're getting some good answers in this thread. I find the pairing of an A to an S to be an hopeless situation and the only 'compromise' would be for the asexual to give in. (i.e. known as 'surrender' rather than 'compromise'). What good would it be for me to be in a partnership where my job is to 'lie there and take it, get it over with' in order to secure the partner? If that partner feels that I'm brushing off the most intimate and passionate part of the relationship...how long before s/he goes and finds someone else who shares the passion 'properly'?

[Chiaroscuro]

I find the pairing of an A to an S to be an hopeless situation and the only 'compromise' would be for the asexual to give in.

Ha ha... that's so funny to me. My sense is that the only "compromise" is for the sexual partner to suppress their drive and sleep in the livingroom.

We all feel put out, which is at the heart of the problem. Aven helps, at least.

-Chiaroscuro

[cijay]

. A comprimise has been reached where in sex is scheduled.

Unless I'm really retarded - this means that the S isn't suppressing or sleeping in the living room. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong.

[nine_breaker]

She may not feel same kind feelings you do. But that does not mean that she doesn't feel anything! I understand that you want her to feel same kind of sexual love that you feel... But I try to explain this in a different way. (And I'm still figuring this out myself too. So sorry about all the illogicalities and things like that. :? :) And this is just my opinion...)

In your world sex is "the most intimate, most loving, most passionate form of affection" like you said. I love the way of saying that it's like a super hug (that made sense to me)!!!! You want to have sex with her because you love her. You want to express and fulfill your love towards her by having sex with her.

I believe that's what she wants too. She wants to have sex with you because she loves you. She wants to express her love towards you by having sex with you. It maybe doesn't fulfill her love towards you, because her way of loving you doesn't include loving sexually. Her love can be fulfilled without having sex with you. But she definitely does it because she loves you (and you know that)! She has sex with you to make it possible for you to fulfill your love towards her, sort of... :?

You said that you have sex with the person you love and that person only, and so does she!

So imagine this picture:

You have had a perfect loving day with just two of you. You've made all the things that you enjoy doing together: bowling, long walks, dinner in a romantic restaurant etc. whatever that perfect loving day means to you. She feels that her love towards you is fulfilled during that day. But you don't and she knows that. So she wants to have sex with you, because she knows that sex is "the highest form of love" for you (couldn't figure out better way to say that). She may not enjoy it the same way you do, but she enjoys it in her way. And her way of enjoying it isn't "less real" because it's not sexual way...

Do I make any sense with this? :?

Yes you do make sense with this and I do have a bit more of an understanding on how my wife feels and why sex is not something that she needs. However, despite her willingness to see this comprimise through and she is willing to have sex with me, I am afraid that now that I know she is an asexual, and that the only pleasure and joy that she can take from sex is that she feels that it is making me happy it still will not work. But in truth I do not know if this will be the situation, since I know that despite all that she is conceding, she is not not feeling the same as me at the same time. I know that her needs have already been fullfiled and she is fullfilling mine now almost out of obligation. I do not want that. I want her to able to enjoy the act with me for what it is and be able to share the feelings with me at that time. Another part of the comprimise in place, and I will keep this from being graphic by generalizing, is that she only agreed to the comprimise if we could have sex in what I feel is the SINGLE MOST IMPERSONAL POSITION EVER! So even while she feels my need for love and those feelings is being fulfilled, I am still aware she is only doing this for my benefit, and she is handicapping the act right from the get go so to speak. I know that this may sound a bit selfish on my part and again I am going to appologize if I offend anyone but my greatest fear is that this comprimise is not going to hold. It feels to me like a piece of chewing gum placed into a crack of the Hoover Dam. It may hold for a bit but it is going to fail eventually. So unless she can somehow find the same joy in sex that I do, in which would she would not be asexual, or I simply start seeing sex some sort of release, in which case self gratification is sufficent, I fear that my wife and I have no future. :cry:

[Kawaii_Neko]

Hi, I'm the wife. :|

And yes, this is ordeal is hurting both of us quite a lot. Each of us is trying to deal with this in our own way while trying to deal with each other at the same time. We are greatful to the support that everyone is showing us in this heart-rendering time.

I figure I should chip in to clarify the realm I'm coming from as the asexual in the relationship. And why the compromise is the best I can do at the moment.

Another part of the comprimise in place, and I will keep this from being graphic by generalizing, is that she only agreed to the comprimise if we could have sex in what I feel is the SINGLE MOST IMPERSONAL POSITION EVER! So even while she feels my need for love and those feelings is being fulfilled, I am still aware she is only doing this for my benefit, and she is handicapping the act right from the get go so to speak.

One of the defining traits in my asexualisness (I'm not sure that's a word...) is the fact that I really don't like to look or touch sexual organs of either sex. I can handle it if it's for, say, an art project. But since art subjects are applied in a way to divorce emotion, it's not a problem. Ever since I got involved with sex, it has been this way. Oral has always been out of the question in my mind. So, while I know that my husband sees the position as impersonal, it's the best way for me to enjoy sex. If I have to look or touch, then my enjoyment levels drop dramatically. I am, and have been, trying to aquiese to his desire for me to enjoy sex with him. I'm not sure what else to do on that front.

Any suggestions?

So unless she can somehow find the same joy in sex that I do, in which would she would not be asexual, or I simply start seeing sex some sort of release, in which case self gratification is sufficent, I fear that my wife and I have no future. :cry:

This is the point that we're both getting to. We love each other very much and I haven't changed as a person but discovering my orientation, and the implications that it presents, is driving an enormous wedge into our relationship. Are there any success stories out there? Someone who is in a A and S relationship and you've made it work? Tell us how! :cry:

[feldspar]

She may not feel same kind feelings you do. But that does not mean that she doesn't feel anything! I understand that you want her to feel same kind of sexual love that you feel... But I try to explain this in a different way. (And I'm still figuring this out myself too. So sorry about all the illogicalities and things like that. :? :) And this is just my opinion...)

In your world sex is "the most intimate, most loving, most passionate form of affection" like you said. I love the way of saying that it's like a super hug (that made sense to me)!!!! You want to have sex with her because you love her. You want to express and fulfill your love towards her by having sex with her.

I believe that's what she wants too. She wants to have sex with you because she loves you. She wants to express her love towards you by having sex with you. It maybe doesn't fulfill her love towards you, because her way of loving you doesn't include loving sexually. Her love can be fulfilled without having sex with you. But she definitely does it because she loves you (and you know that)! She has sex with you to make it possible for you to fulfill your love towards her, sort of... :?

You said that you have sex with the person you love and that person only, and so does she!

So imagine this picture:

You have had a perfect loving day with just two of you. You've made all the things that you enjoy doing together: bowling, long walks, dinner in a romantic restaurant etc. whatever that perfect loving day means to you. She feels that her love towards you is fulfilled during that day. But you don't and she knows that. So she wants to have sex with you, because she knows that sex is "the highest form of love" for you (couldn't figure out better way to say that). She may not enjoy it the same way you do, but she enjoys it in her way. And her way of enjoying it isn't "less real" because it's not sexual way...

Do I make any sense with this? :?

Yes you do make sense with this and I do have a bit more of an understanding on how my wife feels and why sex is not something that she needs. However, despite her willingness to see this comprimise through and she is willing to have sex with me, I am afraid that now that I know she is an asexual, and that the only pleasure and joy that she can take from sex is that she feels that it is making me happy it still will not work. But in truth I do not know if this will be the situation, since I know that despite all that she is conceding, she is not not feeling the same as me at the same time. I know that her needs have already been fullfiled and she is fullfilling mine now almost out of obligation. I do not want that. I want her to able to enjoy the act with me for what it is and be able to share the feelings with me at that time. Another part of the comprimise in place, and I will keep this from being graphic by generalizing, is that she only agreed to the comprimise if we could have sex in what I feel is the SINGLE MOST IMPERSONAL POSITION EVER! So even while she feels my need for love and those feelings is being fulfilled, I am still aware she is only doing this for my benefit, and she is handicapping the act right from the get go so to speak. I know that this may sound a bit selfish on my part and again I am going to appologize if I offend anyone but my greatest fear is that this comprimise is not going to hold. It feels to me like a piece of chewing gum placed into a crack of the Hoover Dam. It may hold for a bit but it is going to fail eventually. So unless she can somehow find the same joy in sex that I do, in which would she would not be asexual, or I simply start seeing sex some sort of release, in which case self gratification is sufficent, I fear that my wife and I have no future. :cry:

That's sad. And I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm speaking as an asexual, of course, but I simply don't understand why you feel that an otherwise precious relationship should fall apart merely because there's no physical intercourse. It's kind of like saying 'my relationship has its foundations in sex. No sex? The house falls down.'

I'm trying to understand this... really, I'm giving it my best shot, but it's still eluding me. Your wife is your soulmate, no? You are best friends? You have shared each others' lives - joys, grief, triumphs, pain etc., but, to you, the relationship will be destroyed if she doesn't suddenly exhibit physical lust?

Is lust more important to you than love? How long would you spend having sex, anyway, if your wife was a sexual? 4 hours a week? 4 hours out of 168 hours in that week. So 168 hours of deep, abiding love is eclipsed and trumped by 4 hours of sex?

I'm baffled, man. Totally baffled.

[SOAA]

I'm confused myself, BUT...

This doesn't sound like this is just about lust.

Sexual relationships/interactions can also be about the particular sense of intimacy that comes solely from sexual sharing.

In which case, I can understand this sense of loss or something missing in being unable to connect in that way.

My heart goes out to you both and I empathize greatly.

[BunnyK.]

That's sad. And I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm speaking as an asexual, of course, but I simply don't understand why you feel that an otherwise precious relationship should fall apart merely because there's no physical intercourse. It's kind of like saying 'my relationship has its foundations in sex. No sex? The house falls down.'

I'm trying to understand this... really, I'm giving it my best shot, but it's still eluding me. Your wife is your soulmate, no? You are best friends? You have shared each others' lives - joys, grief, triumphs, pain etc., but, to you, the relationship will be destroyed if she doesn't suddenly exhibit physical lust?

Is lust more important to you than love? How long would you spend having sex, anyway, if your wife was a sexual? 4 hours a week? 4 hours out of 168 hours in that week. So 168 hours of deep, abiding love is eclipsed and trumped by 4 hours of sex?

I'm baffled, man. Totally baffled.

It's not just the half hour of sex every now and then. It's that, for most sexuals, sexuality is a BIG part of their identity. It's not controlled with an on/off switch. Sharing that aspect of yourself is a hugely important to a relationship.

I mean, think how it would feel if you were in a relationship where a big part of your personality was just not really understood or accepted. Maybe you really like to have deep philosophical discussions, and you were trying to stay in a relationship with someone who really can't stand talking about anything more challenging than the weather or what Joe Jones the neighbor did yesterday. That huge need - not just to talk, but to share that part of your life and personality - would go completely unfulfilled. Worse, if your partner tried to compromise and just listen to you talk, it might cause them to feel insecure, or bored, or anxious, or just terrible in general. And it wouldn't be great for you, because you'd want them to contribute to the conversation, not just listen. But you can't stop wanting it, can you?

Well, in this case, the relationship could still work out, because you'd be able to talk philosophically with other people and it wouldn't be a big deal to your partner at all. However, that's not something that typically works out with sex.

A lot of asexuals are too threatened by the thought of their partner having sex with someone else to consider it; and to be honest, I think a lot of sexuals would eventually think "I can find someone who is just as much of a wonderful person as my partner who will also love having sex with me." It's also possible that the sexual just won't get the same satisfaction out of having sex with someone outside of a loving relationship (I know I wouldn't).

[Kawaii_Neko]

It's that, for most sexuals, sexuality is a BIG part of their identity.

See, this is what I don't understand! WHY is it such a huge part of their identity? Why does everything in a relationship seem to balance on this one act?

[cijay]

Because that's the way they are - in context of course. I wouldn't say that it's something they think of when they're grocery shopping or walking the dog but in socialising and relationships it is.

Same with my asexuality. I don't think about it when I'm grocery shopping or feeding the cat (I don't have a dog) but relationships and entertainment it is because I'm not interested.

[Chiaroscuro]

Nine-breaker and Kawaii, good for you for coming here together! Stick around a while, your confusion should clear up in a week or two.

I'm in your position (I'm the S male, my wife is the A). My wife can't make any compromise at all. So Nine-breaker, speaking from a fellow who would weep tears of gratitude if my wife could enjoy sex in ANY position, think long and hard about what kind of compromise you're willing to accept. Remember compromise is compromise, it's not about getting everything you want. Kawaii's never going to be a tantric sex-goddess, but maybe she can help you feel connected with her physically, can show you that you're desirable to her as a man, help you feel that that part of your life is alive.

I'm not blaming you if it doesn't feel like it's "enough" of a concession on her part, only you can know what feels healthy to you. I'm just giving you my immediate reaction to Kawaii's post, which was "hell yes, I'd take that in a red-hot minute."

Good luck to you both. You're obviously hurting but you're talking about this. I hope it works out for you.

-chiaroscuro

[Chiaroscuro]

I find the pairing of an A to an S to be an hopeless situation and the only 'compromise' would be for the asexual to give in.

Ha ha... that's so funny to me. My sense is that the only "compromise" is for the sexual partner to suppress their drive and sleep in the livingroom.

We all feel put out, which is at the heart of the problem. Aven helps, at least.

-Chiaroscuro

Not sure what is funny but I guess people laugh at simpler things.

What's funny to me is that you think that S's are merciless and uncompromising, and the A's are the martyrs. I think it's the other way around.

Most of us have been posting here for a while, and yet our language reveals that we can't REALLY admit that nobody's at fault. Way down deep inside, we really do all think that the other side is wrong. We don't want to say it, but under everything, we feel it. It's like bigotry, I guess. We all want to be accepting of people of other genders, races and religions. We try and try and try. And yet, our prejudices will come bubbling out in subtle, half-conscious ways that we can't see, but the people it's directed against feel acutely.

So funny's maybe not the word. I was surprised and startled to see my own simmering resentments reflected back at me.

-Chiaroscuro

[Kallan]

I'll certainly admit nobody's at fault. I'll say what I've said before and will no doubt say many more times.

For a sexual person sex is a (perhaps the greatest) expression of emotional intimacy. For an asexual person sex is at the least non-intimate, and for many of us it compromises the intimacy of the relationship.

I am represented by the final clause of that statement. I have had relationships with sexuals in which I compromised (in one case it actually became somewhat abusive), and I would be perfectly willing to compromise again in short term relationships (I think one such relationship may be brewing as we write). However as I said, sex compromises intimacy for me, so there is a limit to how intimate a relationship can be that includes sex for me. So a long term relationship (which survives on genuine intimacy) would not be possible, while short term relationships (which are usually built on passion; yes I do experience passion, just not sexual passion) is still possible.

[cijay]

I find the pairing of an A to an S to be an hopeless situation and the only 'compromise' would be for the asexual to give in.

Ha ha... that's so funny to me. My sense is that the only "compromise" is for the sexual partner to suppress their drive and sleep in the livingroom.

We all feel put out, which is at the heart of the problem. Aven helps, at least.

-Chiaroscuro

Not sure what is funny but I guess people laugh at simpler things.

What's funny to me is that you think that S's are merciless and uncompromising, and the A's are the martyrs. I think it's the other way around.

-Chiaroscuro

Well, I would say that a person who doesn't want to have sex but submits to it IS a martyr, no? The horny one can jack off but the A has to compromise and be something s/he isn't. What if I said I wasn't hungry and someone shovelled food into my mouth? Would you say it's a 'compromise' because they didn't do this to me every time I'm not hungry?

I'm not saying the A who submits is doing anything 'wrong', I've said before that it's a very selfless/noble thing they're doing but if one person doesn't want to do it at all...and they give in, that's it, the 2nd person who does want "wins". That's not a compromise, that's a contest.

Where did I say that sexuals are merciless and uncompromising? Please show.

[juicebox]

Delete this account

[nine_breaker]

First off I want to thank everyone for taking the time to listen to my wife and I's "situation". Next I would like to respond to a few points and hopefully get something in edgewise.

I really don't like to look or touch sexual organs of either sex. I can handle it if it's for, say, an art project.

What kind of art porjects have you been doing in your spare time honey? :P

I'm trying to understand this... really, I'm giving it my best shot, but it's still eluding me. Your wife is your soulmate, no? You are best friends? You have shared each others' lives - joys, grief, triumphs, pain etc., but, to you, the relationship will be destroyed if she doesn't suddenly exhibit physical lust?

Is lust more important to you than love? How long would you spend having sex, anyway, if your wife was a sexual? 4 hours a week? 4 hours out of 168 hours in that week. So 168 hours of deep, abiding love is eclipsed and trumped by 4 hours of sex?

I'm baffled, man. Totally baffled.

feldspar you bring up a good question and perspective. No. 4 hours of sex does not eclipse and surpass that love that she and I have for each other. The problem lies in that for her that 168 hours is all that she as an asexual needs to feel fulfilled. Those 168 hours fulfills her every need for intimacy, cuddles, scritches, pets, ect. I as an S on the other hand have yet another way of feeling intimacy and yes it is a very large portion of the intimacy for me I am trying very hard to understand how my wife feels and her POV so that it does not cause us any more undue stress.

BunnyK wrote:

It's that, for most sexuals, sexuality is a BIG part of their identity.

See, this is what I don't understand! WHY is it such a huge part of their identity? Why does everything in a relationship seem to balance on this one act?

If you or I knew and we could do something about how I am wired we would not be having this discussion now would we my love? :P

And finally cijay if it was easy as a sexual release trust me, I would not be discussing this here.

But I thank you all for the discussions that have been brought up here and they do give me a great deal to think about. I am getting more comftorable and a bit more understanding f all this a bit by bit everyday. Hopefully we can get through this. I am sure we will. Thank you all again. I will see you all later. I will be here all week, try the veal and remember to tip your waiter/waitress on your way out! :o

[Chiaroscuro]

I am getting more comftorable and a bit more understanding f all this a bit by bit everyday. Hopefully we can get through this. I am sure we will.

I think that talking together is the only way this is going to work for any of us. Kudos to you both for making that happen.

-Chiaroscuro

[Mark from the OCD board]

So much love and honesty in this thread! Anyone who falsely accuses asexuals of not feeling love or sexuals of being in it only for the sex should read it.

I understand feldspar, soaa and Kawaii_Neko's confusion; it is the same confusion many sexuals feel when contemplating asexuality. For this reason, I agree 100% with Chiaroscuro.

I think that talking together is the only way this is going to work for any of us. Kudos to you both for making that happen.

-Chiaroscuro

Perhaps we should not ask why sexual attraction is so important to most sexuals (as I know I could not answer that); instead, it might be better simply to take its incredible importance to most sexuals as a given and explain that importance.

For this purpose, please allow me to reprint something I posted in another thread. The topic was Platonic relationships (relationships with romantic love but no sex).

---------------------------------------------------------

This is a very beautiful form of love, one I experience as well. My best friend, also a gay sexual male, is someone I have been attracted to since we met fifteen years ago. When we met, he was recently out of the closet and a virgin; he needed a more-experienced friend more than he did a lover.

I can tell you that I would have had sex with him had he wanted to... Maybe we would have bonded because of it or maybe we would have grown apart. That is always the risk with sex, one we sexuals know we have to take.

But... By the time he was ready to have sex, we were like brothers and I knew I could not hit on him. He started dating and sometimes having sex with others--and he has been sexually mongamous with his lover since 1999. In fact, when he first got together with his lover, people began consoling me. Since he and I are so close, they assumed that we were lovers who had broken up.

At any rate, our friendship is completely non-sexual, but I treasure it all the same. Not being able to have sex with him does not stop me from being on Cloud Nine if, say, we should have our arms around each other's shoulders. It also does not stop me from smiling, as I am doing right now, simply because I am writing about him.

Earlier in our friendship, I helped him a lot. Then, when I started experiencing bad OCD (before I learned to control it), he was the one who was there for me.

I say all this to make it clear that I know where you are coming from when you talk about Platonic love--but also to make it clear that I am a sexual with sexual desires. Much as I would like to falsely claim otherwise, I can have this sort of relationship with my best friend because I have other outlets for my sexuality.

I could never contemplate living the rest of my life without sex. I'd sooner slit my wrists. A life without sex is, for me, like a life lived in black and white instead of color, like a diet of stale bread when everyone else has chocolate.

Cuddling is wonderful. I can and have cuddled with no sex expected, and I love it. But... If you are talking about my primary relationship with a man, I honestly don't think I could live on cuddles alone. My wiring is not your wiring.

Also, I know that I need my sexuality in order to keep my OCD at bay. Sex relaxes me, makes me feel good about myself, makes me feel loved, makes all my real-life and OCD issues seem less important. If I were celibate, it would be much harder for me to control my OCD. Remember that I now take only 25% of the dosage of OCD medication I once needed--and that one daily pill is the only medication I take for anything. That is how much control I now have. Celibacy is not something I can consider.

What is the point of all this? Please don't automatically dismiss a woman who is really good for you if she needs sex. It would be like my dismissing asexuals automatically because they don't want sex. In both cases, it is a value judgment, an assumption that the other person is less of a person. "Life is a series of compromises."

[Kawaii_Neko]

As my husband said, thank you all for your kind input. Things are begining to improve, bit-by-bit. ^_^

Have you talked to your physician and/or a counselor to see if your lack of libido has a physical or emotional cause? I'm not trying to minimize your asexualness, but I'm wondering if you were born that way, or if there is a cause.

I have. I have been checked head to toe and every crook and cranny in between. Everything has been cleared. I've always felt this way, I just always hoped it would change when I met the right person. Well, I met the right person but it still didn't change. When my husband confessed how much my lack of sexual desire was hurting him, I began to research sexless marriages and ended up reading about asexualism on wikipedia which had a link here. Once I read the discriptions, it was like "oh god, that is exactly it!" That was last Monday but it feels like forever!

I really don't like to look or touch sexual organs of either sex. I can handle it if it's for, say, an art project.

What kind of art porjects have you been doing in your spare time honey?

Wouldn't you like to know... :P Joking sweetie! Remember? I was an art major at one point... Silly boy.

If you or I knew and we could do something about how I am wired we would not be having this discussion now would we my love?

I know, love. But we have all these nice, wonderful people with advice and good wishes helping us along. ^_^

I think that talking together is the only way this is going to work for any of us. Kudos to you both for making that happen.

Thank you again, my friend, for your constant support and encouragement! Many of your posts have been used as examples and helpful insights for both of us.

So much love and honesty in this thread! Anyone who falsely accuses asexuals of not feeling love or sexuals of being in it only for the sex should read it.

Why thank you Mark! How very sweet of you! *huggles for you!* ^_^

Thank you for everyone! :cake:

[juicebox]

Delete this account

[Kawaii_Neko]

Actually, from some threads I've read, asexuals females will occasionally have a stronger "urge" for things during the ovulation period. It's not the case with all of us, to be sure, but it does happen. It's theorized that there is such a huge influx of estrogen and other hormones that it will "rev the engine" so to speak. But once those hormone levels drop off, so does the drive. I think it's been brought up in the Asexual Musings forum...somewhere...

[Chiaroscuro]

Actually, from some threads I've read, asexuals females will occasionally have a stronger "urge" for things during the ovulation period.

That's true for my wife.

-Chiaroscuro

[scamper]

This discussion is great!

Even though I am not in a s/a relationship myself, I find the idea of "compromise" very interesting, because of course it extends to all kinds of things in life that are not sexual.

What I wanted to comment on is this:

Well, I would say that a person who doesn't want to have sex but submits to it IS a martyr, no? The horny one can jack off but the A has to compromise and be something s/he isn't. What if I said I wasn't hungry and someone shovelled food into my mouth? Would you say it's a 'compromise' because they didn't do this to me every time I'm not hungry?

In a way, I see your point, but in another way I feel like you're missing the crucial difference between sexuality and asexuality - I know, I'm over-simplifying here, but really this is about the difference between "sexual drive" (which asexuals can also have, it just wouldn't be directed toward another person, right?) and "sexuality" (as an outwardly-directed thing, as most sexuals experience it).

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but an asexual person can also get horny and "jack off"?

The difference between that and the desire a sexual feels for their partner is all about connecting with that other person. No amount of masturbation can truly fill that void.

If you can compare asking an asexual person to compromise with having food shoveled in your mouth even though you're not hungry, then let me draw a similar analogy. Asking a sexual to compromise by never having sex (because hey, they can always masturbate) is a bit like telling a hungry person that they can chew their food but that they have to spit it out. Sure, they'll still get the flavour and texture of the food, but in the end they'll still be starving.

I hope that makes sense. These are some hard things to articulate, because most of them are things we take for granted within ourselves - I am the way I am, so it seems natural to me. But when I have to explain how or why, it's a serious challenge.

[M51]

Well, you aren't going to die from lack of sex, so I propose we amend your food example to suggest that asking a sexual to live without sex is like asking a person to get all their nutrition by drinking a tasteless nutrition drink. They will live, but it takes a lot of the joy out of it. If you like to eat, of course.

[Chiaroscuro]

asking a person to get all their nutrition by drinking a tasteless nutrition drink

An excellent analogy. Soylent Green is People!

-Chiaroscuro