Different levels of attraction and demisexuality

[CroppingAcorn7]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here, very happy to have a place to discuss this. I've very recently begun to question my sexuality and I feel that I might land somewhere around demisexual. I'm a little hesitant though because I have seen others say that they don't ever find someone attractive until they form an emotional connection. I can find strangers to be attractive, but not necessarily feel a sexual desire towards them, more like recognizing that they are a physically attractive person. I feel like it's different than a sexual desire because I have been in a couple of long-term relationships in the past, and the sexual desire that I felt toward my partner feels almost entirely different from how I feel about a stranger. I could truly characterize it as a "desire" with my past partners, but for strangers I would say it's nowhere near a "desire" to have sex with them. I've tried to do casual and FWB type relationships in the past, but usually what ends up happening is that once we start doing any sexual stuff beyond making out then my interest drops off almost immediately and I'm not sexually aroused at all. Is it possible that I can be demisexual but still experience some much weaker level of attraction toward strangers, or is that just some version of allo? I'm still kinda sorting through my past experiences and feelings so I apologize if this sounds a bit ramble-y haha.

[Marlow1]

On 4/3/2022 at 5:28 PM, CroppingAcorn7 said:

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here, very happy to have a place to discuss this. I've very recently begun to question my sexuality and I feel that I might land somewhere around demisexual. I'm a little hesitant though because I have seen others say that they don't ever find someone attractive until they form an emotional connection. I can find strangers to be attractive, but not necessarily feel a sexual desire towards them, more like recognizing that they are a physically attractive person. I feel like it's different than a sexual desire because I have been in a couple of long-term relationships in the past, and the sexual desire that I felt toward my partner feels almost entirely different from how I feel about a stranger. I could truly characterize it as a "desire" with my past partners, but for strangers I would say it's nowhere near a "desire" to have sex with them. I've tried to do casual and FWB type relationships in the past, but usually what ends up happening is that once we start doing any sexual stuff beyond making out then my interest drops off almost immediately and I'm not sexually aroused at all. Is it possible that I can be demisexual but still experience some much weaker level of attraction toward strangers, or is that just some version of allo? I'm still kinda sorting through my past experiences and feelings so I apologize if this sounds a bit ramble-y haha.

I class myself as Demisexual. I have only ever been sexually attracted to one person and that is my wife. I can see that other people are physically attractive and can describe them as beautiful, pretty, friendly and so on but I never ever get sexual desire for them in any way. There is nothing, no feelings at all that way, no thoughts that way nothing

 

It was the same when I first met my wife. I thought she was very pretty and as I got to know here I found her very interesting and fun to be around, but that was as far as my mind went, I did not consider the relationship to be romantic or sexual

 

Over time though things changed and I did begin to feel romantically attracted to my wife. This lasted a long time and we developed a romantic relationship, we grew closer together and began to operate as a couple but it was even later than this that the sexual attraction began

 

There is a long list of reasons but over time I have learned that my lengthy journey from platonic interest where I can see she is good looking but that not mattering to me actually being romantically and sexually attracted to her is very much entwined with the fact that I have Aphantasia

 

Other people have more information in their minds about what their ideal types are. They can look at a person and in their minds imagine what it would be like to be with that person romantically, sexually etc. I cannot do that. I need to know somebody a very long time and the relationship has to develop in a specific way for me to become attracted 

 

The Rare Condition That Makes You Instantly Forget What Friends and Lovers Look Like (vice.com)

[ZckDm]

Hello,

 

Multiple sources have suggested to me that I might be demisexual, including a sex therapist and a queer friend. After looking into it I am beginning to feel comfortable identifying with it. But there are a lot of inconsistencies for me. I identify as heteroflexible. I think I am truly demisexual for men and I've only ever been genuinely attracted to one male. I became so infatuated with him I would have been willing to have an asexual relationship so long as we could be romantic and sweet to each other. It didn't happen.

 

I also feel like demisexuality generally describes my experience with women but with a lot more room for typical allo stuff. I don't, however, feel like my capacity for immediate lust, my pornography use, the few fleeting crushes I've had on near strangers, really nullify the fact that I've been single for all 10 years of my adult life (except for 3 months in 2015). And when I consider my reasons for not dating and the effects its having on my life, I relate at core with things I hear other demisexuals say. In whatever degree or capacity, the heart of any kind of  asexuality is absence of desire. All I can say is that absence of desire is the main cause for why I do not date or have sex. My difficulty in finding partners is related most to my inability to feel attracted to other people.

 

I find it liberating to let myself be identified in some degree with the ace community. While I have plenty of interest in sex, the way that I experience desire has always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. The model of sex and romance I got from family or culture or media did not fit how I felt. I thought maybe I was just shy and lacked confidence. I thought maybe I had trauma or mental health things to work out. I have fretted the worst about the stigma of being a sexless man. But at the end of the day, the real reason I do not date or have sexual relationships is not something wrong with me. It is lack of desire.

 

I think there's room on the spectrum for me. I am happy to identify as demisexual but more than anything I am just happy to understand and accept myself.

[LeChat]

@ZckDm Hello. Welcome! 

[Zoroark]

As I understand it, being demi varies person to person, just like any other orientation. Personally, I have also been considering that I might be demi for a long time. I am capable of finding people attractive, romantically or sexually, but I am uninterested in doing anything romantic/sexual with them unless I have strong romantic feelings for them which only come with time as I get to know them and a friendship evolves to that point. I get crushes easily, but rarely have any interest in pursuing them, and more often develop platonic relationships than romantic ones. So, I don't think finding people attractive in and of itself means you aren't demi.