How to live with an asexual spouse?

[LIC]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

Like I've said here on AVEN a handful of times:

 

I don't want extramarital sex because I don't love my (asexual) wife, I want it because I do.

That’s great for you! I am not a person who can give some of me to one while other pieces to another. Sex as a physical act isn’t all I need, and forming a romantic bond outside of my marriage doesn’t feel right to my heart. 

[Traveler40]

18 hours ago, LIC said:

That’s great for you! I am not a person who can give some of me to one while other pieces to another. Sex as a physical act isn’t all I need, and forming a romantic bond outside of my marriage doesn’t feel right to my heart. 

So, you’ve narrowed it down. What you’re left with is this:

 

1. Lifelong Celibacy

 

2. Some form of compromise (you’ve likely tried this and have now found yourself here.)

 

3.Divorce

 

It’s all a choice and those are the options you have left. Keep working on it and feel free to discuss as you go. It’s why we are all here. 
 

Best of luck!

[DustintheWind]

I've read through every posting in this thread since 2022, and it is enlightening, to say the least. I am someone who has only just realized that I may be asexual. I've been married for 20 years, have a beautiful family and a loving husband who adores me. We've been through our ups and downs over the years, mostly having to do with sex. After what I've read, I know you all know the drill: one of us wants it and one of us doesn't. I've been in counseling off and on all of my adult life (I'm a big believer in seeking help when you feel off-balance) and no therapist has ever raised the possibility that I might be asexual. My husband assumed they were "my issues" and didn't consider that he might have issues as well until we had a make-or-break moment. Suffice it to say it's been a rocky ride. Over the last year we've been brutally honest with each other. We've identified our needs, made changes in how we relate to each other, and we are closer than we have ever been. We both agree that we provide every last thing we could possibly want from the other—physical and emotional intimacy on the deepest levels (I've really had to grow into the physical intimacy part and I'm finally fine with it)—but we do not have sex. And that is hard for my husband. He doesn't want us to separate, he deeply values our relationship and how far we've come, I know he loves and values our life together. It has finally sunk in for him that we will not have intercourse/sex again. Within two days he said he completely understood and was supportive of me—he hates the idea that I am overwhelmed and anxious about the prospect of sex—but he raised the idea of going to a prostitute for sex, saying he doesn't want a relationship, he just likes sex. I don't understand that. I don't understand how we meet every other need for intimacy yet he is still wants sex/intercourse with a random person. I feel this way: If sex is that important, then you need to break with me and explore relationships that offer that. He won't do that. And I am not ready to bring another person (or several random people) into our loving and close marriage. We're at an impasse. 

[Windmills of My Mind]

7 hours ago, JustDiscovering said:

I feel this way: If sex is that important, then you need to break with me and explore relationships that offer that. He won't do that.

The first thing is for him to decide on (to seek sex somewhere else).

 

The second part is not. I know it sounds harsh, but you cannot require him to break with you. The way you put it, it would be him breaking your boundary. It is then up to you to decide what the consequences would be. It sounds you want to break up. Don't make that his responsibility. It is your decision, not his.

 

It may hurt to think of it that way. I say this with love, not trying to increase your pain. This is a difficult situation for both of you. It is nobody's fault.

[DustintheWind]

I do not want to break up, he doesn't want to break up. We are both very clear about that. Yet I know he wants to have sex again and that's the one thing I cannot give him without severely compromising my mental health. I believe seeking sex outside our marriage will change us, possibly even end our marriage (for various reasons, based on both our personalities). He wants a promise that seeking sex outside the marriage won't break us up. I can't make that promise because I don't understand it and I can't predict how I will feel when the reality hits. He can't promise that either because he doesn't know how he might feel about himself, me, and someone else. So, the question is: Is having sex important enough for him to risk changing our relationship, perhaps for ever? He has to answer this for himself. While he's working with his therapist to figure it all out, I've asked him to keep all his options on the table for a full untangling—celibacy, separation, open marriage, paying for sex, etc. He insists his only options are celibacy and paying for sex. So I feel like I'm waiting for an impending disaster. I know everyone is different, but why is having sex more important than all the other wonderful things a strong, loving relationship brings?

[Liara]

Because for a sexual person, having sex IS part of a strong, loving relationship. It's not just sex. It can be something very deep and powerful, an experience of sharing and intimacy nothing else can bring.

[uhtred]

On 10/29/2024 at 2:46 PM, JustDiscovering said:

SNIP

I don't understand how we meet every other need for intimacy yet he is still wants sex/intercourse with a random person. I feel this way: If sex is that important, then you need to break with me and explore relationships that offer that. He won't do that. And I am not ready to bring another person (or several random people) into our loving and close marriage. We're at an impasse. 

I won't try to explain sexuality, I can't, but consider that over history many people have risked imprisonment, torture and death in order to have sex with the person that they love  but which society forbade them.    Clearly for some people sex is incredibly important.

 

It is fine for you to not want sex.  It is find for him to need sex in order to be happy.   If there is not compromise that makes you both happy, ther are the usual options:  Leave, sex outside the marriage, or one or both is miserable.

Many of us here wish there were another option, but that is pretty much it.  

 

I'm not trying to in any way trivialize an incredibly difficult situation, just that some problems don't have solutions.

[Lonely heart]

On 3/29/2022 at 3:45 AM, Lonelyalone said:

I love my husband of 12 years. He’s my best friend and he’s kind and a good husband to me and a good father to our 2 kids. When we were dating, he would kiss me. We had sex for the first time 6 months before our wedding and then didn’t have sex until our first wedding night. After that it was the same story which has been going on for 12 years now. We go months without sex, more than 18 months each time we had a kid.  Then finally I need to bed him for weeks until he finally gives in. We have a perfect marriage save this one private thing that has made me doubt myself and makes me feel rejected. I used to ask him if he’s gay or doesn’t find me attractive. But after all these years I finally found out about asexuals and he seems to fit the description to a T. He is unromantic to the extent that he will not wish me for birthdays, anniversary or valentines. But he will do the dishes or be nice to my parents when they visit. He also is hands on with our kids. But I feel so unloved, so worthless, rejected by the one person  who means everything to me. How do partners of asexuals survive this? I thought with time I would stop needing sex but it’s not just sex, he never wants to hold hands, cuddle or even sleep in the same room most of the days. Yet he promises me that he loves me. No he’s not having an affair. What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving him, but the thought of breaking up our family is heart breaking. I have everything except this one thing. How do I compromise without hurting him? I love him so much. Why doesn’t he reciprocate or compromise even just a little? What do I do? Will it ever get better?

I can 110% relate to this. For a minute I thought it was me narrating my life!..However I'm in the  same boat!.. cant live nor live without!.  I don't feel financially strong to leave him too & terribly feel for my kids, to whom hes a good dad. However i feel like i wasted my entire womanhood on a man who couldnt cherish me or admire me for what i am.. 😪 .. pls advice!.. 

[pepperann]

12 hours ago, Lonely heart said:

feel like i wasted my entire womanhood on a man who couldnt cherish me or admire me for what i am.. 😪 .. pls advice!.. 

Hey, no particular advice — just here to say I’m right there with you. I navigating it too, so if you ever want to connect via PM, feel free. 

 

I will say, I’m at a place where things cannot continue the way they have. We are talking about our options, and this time — for the first time in many years — my partner is hearing them as such. AVEN has been a haven (see what I did there 😏) for me in just knowing that there are people like me out there navigating the same sexual incompatibilities. It’s rare culturally to see women as the more desirous partner (there’s a whole thesis there just waiting to be written), but just know that you’re not the only one feeling unwanted, lonely, uncertain. 

 

I wish there were better options, but there are not! Divorce is complicated, more so with kids. ENM (which I’ve started an entire thread to try to understand) is a lot of work & doesn’t work or appeal to everyone. And staying is a small death (like orgasm, only the opposite - ha!). I hope you have a good processor in place, if you can afford the luxury of therapy. Mine, both couples & individual, have helped me start to see the validity of my own needs & speak up. It’s not a solution, but it’s a start. 

Edited April 20, 2025 by pepperann
typo

[Olallieberry]

30 minutes ago, pepperann said:

AVEN has been a haven (see what I did there 😏)

See what AVEN did there

 

idk if it was deliberate but it turned out nicely that way.

[pepperann]

2 hours ago, Olallieberry said:

See what AVEN did there

 

idk if it was deliberate but it turned out nicely that way.

I’m very clever 😉

[uhtred]

16 hours ago, Lonely heart said:

I can 110% relate to this. For a minute I thought it was me narrating my life!..However I'm in the  same boat!.. cant live nor live without!.  I don't feel financially strong to leave him too & terribly feel for my kids, to whom hes a good dad. However i feel like i wasted my entire womanhood on a man who couldnt cherish me or admire me for what i am.. 😪 .. pls advice!.. 

I don’t know if staying in an unhappy marriage is good for kids.  In retrospect I realize that my parents had been unhappy, my mother maybe asexual and their passionless relationship taught me a bad lesson about what love was like. That may have contributed to my ending up in a marriage to an asexual woman. 
 

 

[uhtred]

4 hours ago, pepperann said:

Hey, no particular advice — just here to say I’m right there with you. I navigating it too, so if you ever want to connect via PM, feel free. 

 

I will say, I’m at a place where things cannot continue the way they have. We are talking about our options, and this time — for the first time in many years — my partner is hearing them as such. AVEN has been a haven (see what I did there 😏) for me in just knowing that there are people like me out there navigating the same sexual incompatibilities. It’s rare culturally to see women as the more desirous partner (there’s a whole thesis there just waiting to be written), but just know that you’re not the only one feeling unwanted, lonely, uncertain. 

 

I wish there were better options, but there are not! Divorce is complicated, more so with kids. ENM (which I’ve started an entire thread to try to understand) is a lot of work & doesn’t work or appeal to everyone. And staying is a small death (like orgasm, only the opposite - ha!). I hope you have a good processor in place, if you can afford the luxury of therapy. Mine, both couples & individual, have helped me start to see the validity of my own needs & speak up. It’s not a solution, but it’s a start. 

Note- I think new posters need some minimum number or posts to initiate a PM but if you contact them they can respond

[uhtred]

10 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Note- I think new posters need some minimum number or posts to initiate a PM but if you contact them they can respond

I misread I think they are above the minimum, sorry for the distraction. 

[pepperann]

55 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I misread I think they are above the minimum, sorry for the distraction. 

Oh no, I think you’re right — my mistake, @Lonely heart  Just sorry you’re also in this boat of misery 😔Hope you can find the support you’re looking for here, as well as some answers. 

[Hopingforanewchapter]

On 4/19/2025 at 4:38 PM, Lonely heart said:

However i feel like i wasted my entire womanhood on a man who couldnt cherish me or admire me for what i am.. 😪

This is a fear of mine. I'm in my early forties now and what if I don't get the opportunity for that kind of healthy, fulfilling relationship?  Will menopause throw new challenges in the way at some point too? I don't want to write off the possibility of fully living in my body and enjoying intimacy with a good and loving man one day. 

 

I started down the wrong track with a cruel and abusive 1st boyfriend, which was probably a factor in me swinging the pendulum to the opposite end, to end up in a sexless marriage. As I'd predicted, my ex-husband is a good Dad. But the indifference/lack of effort or empathy for me, chronic rejection and emotional neglect all still hurt me, just in a different way to previous pains. I feel so full of wounds 😥 

 

Now that I'm divorced, I think I need to remain open to the possibility, but also make peace that it just might not be on the cards for me. 

[Stampede]

I'm in the same boat as you. My wife is asexual, so we think.  She's had a few spurts of sexual activity in the decade we've been married.  But i mean in 10 years there was 2 seperate weeks were we had intimacy of any kind (sex or merely non sexual physical intimacy). And thats its. it was for 3-4 days each time then back to zero intimacy or sexual intimacy.

 

I yo-yo between acceptance of this and the intense desires i have as a physical person.  And since I refuse to direct any resentment towards my wife over how she is as that is not fair, i  just just begin to hate myself about it.  I keep holding out hoping and discussing directly  with her if she'll consider my personal needs in a more compromising manner, but any discussions or promises never materialize.  So essentially it's me repeatedly meeting her needs on this relationship topic,  And i have/am given no options to meet mine.

[Stampede]

On 10/29/2024 at 4:46 PM, DustintheWind said:

I've read through every posting in this thread since 2022, and it is enlightening, to say the least. I am someone who has only just realized that I may be asexual. I've been married for 20 years, have a beautiful family and a loving husband who adores me. We've been through our ups and downs over the years, mostly having to do with sex. After what I've read, I know you all know the drill: one of us wants it and one of us doesn't. I've been in counseling off and on all of my adult life (I'm a big believer in seeking help when you feel off-balance) and no therapist has ever raised the possibility that I might be asexual. My husband assumed they were "my issues" and didn't consider that he might have issues as well until we had a make-or-break moment. Suffice it to say it's been a rocky ride. Over the last year we've been brutally honest with each other. We've identified our needs, made changes in how we relate to each other, and we are closer than we have ever been. We both agree that we provide every last thing we could possibly want from the other—physical and emotional intimacy on the deepest levels (I've really had to grow into the physical intimacy part and I'm finally fine with it)—but we do not have sex. And that is hard for my husband. He doesn't want us to separate, he deeply values our relationship and how far we've come, I know he loves and values our life together. It has finally sunk in for him that we will not have intercourse/sex again. Within two days he said he completely understood and was supportive of me—he hates the idea that I am overwhelmed and anxious about the prospect of sex—but he raised the idea of going to a prostitute for sex, saying he doesn't want a relationship, he just likes sex. I don't understand that. I don't understand how we meet every other need for intimacy yet he is still wants sex/intercourse with a random person. I feel this way: If sex is that important, then you need to break with me and explore relationships that offer that. He won't do that. And I am not ready to bring another person (or several random people) into our loving and close marriage. We're at an impasse. 

You do need to understand his internal drives are in fact different, you mentioned that you don't understand how meeting other intimacy needs does not negate his need for physical sex and he is not obligated to give that up, any more than you are obligated to provide it.  So either he gives it up and hopefully doesn't mentally suffer until his death. Or you allow him to fulfill it in another manner and maybe find the right approach to it?   Do you fear losing him if he engages with another person?  As an outsider to your personal life It reads a little possessive. (which is very normal to feel for ones spouse and for ones life)  Human's are innately selfish creatures.  Hopefull none of what i've said came accross to harsh, i do not intend it to.  

 

Best of luck.

[Stampede]

On 4/19/2025 at 10:38 AM, Lonely heart said:

I can 110% relate to this. For a minute I thought it was me narrating my life!..However I'm in the  same boat!.. cant live nor live without!.  I don't feel financially strong to leave him too & terribly feel for my kids, to whom hes a good dad. However i feel like i wasted my entire womanhood on a man who couldnt cherish me or admire me for what i am.. 😪 .. pls advice!.. 

I'm in the exact same boat but my wife is asexual.  We have no sexual relationship.  And there is no physical intimacy.  No hand holding, zero cuddling, no hugs. She offers a  good night kiss (the tight lipped kind) as her compromise.  I would never leave her over it but i am very mentally miserable often due to it.  I just can't seem to ignore that side of me and my personal needs/desires on that front.   It's so hard many days......