How to live with an asexual spouse?

[Mrprb]

My story is this…

I’ve been married to my wife for 23 years

we have a 24 year old son. As most couples had our fair share of ups and downs. 
we have had separate rooms for 12 years and I can’t be sure exactly but it seems like 20 years since had sex. I didn’t go looking for an extra marital affair but I met someone at a local buskers night and arranged to meet her. Both me and my wife don’t wear our wedding rings so the lady who I arranged to meet thought I was single. She is single. Before I met her I broke down in front of my wife telling her I was going to meet this woman but couldn’t go through with it. My wife then said “Why don’t you go and meet her?” I was not expecting this response. So I met the lady and have seen her for a year and I guess I have an open relationship. We started out as friends with benefits but we now have a strong connection, had lots of fun and sex together and click.

My wife told me she is asexual a little while after telling me to meet the lady. My wife is happiest being with her own company with our Labrador dog. We still get on and share our house with our son.I have felt extremely guilty for the past year both for my actions and the impact on my wife and the other lady as the relationship is developing. It’s still under wraps and not many people know. We go walking together and have overnight stays on these walks having great times. However it has been stressful and I was drinking quite heavily and have only just got it under control. 
I am very confused about the future though. Writing this I am unsure what the replies will be like but I feel a lot of guilt and wonder what people’s thoughts are. Any advice would be appreciated. 

thanks

[Liara]

Why guilt? Your wife is okay with that, your girlfriend seems ok too so...

[Mrprb]

Thanks Liara, I feel guilty because I have broken a marital vow but I think I needed to as if I hadn’t id always be wondering what if… and it would have driven me crazy.

my wife is ok with it but would rather not have the situation but understands I need it. My girlfriend understands the situation too but I do think she needs more and deserves more. Seeing someone for over a year and keeping it under wraps is a long time too. Over the years my wife and I have had a couple of conversations about “this can’t go on forever” but you get so comfortable in a relationship you forget what is important 

11 minutes ago, Liara said:

Why guilt? Your wife is okay with that, your girlfriend seems ok too so...

 

[Liara]

3 minutes ago, Mr PRB said:

Thanks Liara, I feel guilty because I have broken a marital vow but I think I needed to as if I hadn’t id always be wondering what if… and it would have driven me crazy.

my wife is ok with it but would rather not have the situation but understands I need it. My girlfriend understands the situation too but I do think she needs more and deserves more. Seeing someone for over a year and keeping it under wraps is a long time too. Over the years my wife and I have had a couple of conversations about “this can’t go on forever” but you get so comfortable in a relationship you forget what is important 

 

You are not alone in that kind of situations, other people here have a partner and a lover. Sometimes for some years.

Your girlfriend is totally free to leave if she wants, nothing forces her to stay, that's her choice.

Don't forget that relationships can have a lot of various forms and don't have to follow a really strict and rigid way. If you can find your happyness in that, and your wife and your girlfriend too... That's the best!

[AloneTogether]

1 hour ago, Mr PRB said:

My story is this…

I’ve been married to my wife for 23 years

we have a 24 year old son. As most couples had our fair share of ups and downs. 
we have had separate rooms for 12 years and I can’t be sure exactly but it seems like 20 years since had sex. I didn’t go looking for an extra marital affair but I met someone at a local buskers night and arranged to meet her. Both me and my wife don’t wear our wedding rings so the lady who I arranged to meet thought I was single. She is single. Before I met her I broke down in front of my wife telling her I was going to meet this woman but couldn’t go through with it. My wife then said “Why don’t you go and meet her?” I was not expecting this response. So I met the lady and have seen her for a year and I guess I have an open relationship. We started out as friends with benefits but we now have a strong connection, had lots of fun and sex together and click.

My wife told me she is asexual a little while after telling me to meet the lady. My wife is happiest being with her own company with our Labrador dog. We still get on and share our house with our son.I have felt extremely guilty for the past year both for my actions and the impact on my wife and the other lady as the relationship is developing. It’s still under wraps and not many people know. We go walking together and have overnight stays on these walks having great times. However it has been stressful and I was drinking quite heavily and have only just got it under control. 
I am very confused about the future though. Writing this I am unsure what the replies will be like but I feel a lot of guilt and wonder what people’s thoughts are. Any advice would be appreciated. 

thanks

Your story is very familiar to many on here, including myself up to a point. Like you over the years I have been very tempted to have an affair, but found I was incapable of breaking the rules of our marriage. My recent realisation was that while I couldn’t bring myself to break the rules we could potentially change the rules. 
 

This is what you have done. You’ve changed the rules. You haven’t broken any so you have nothing to feel guilty about. 
 

as @Liara says your girlfriend is not in this relationship under false pretences. She understands the situation and she knows what she’s doing and is making a choice for herself. 
 

You are all making the best of a situation you may never have expected to be in, but find yourself in none-the-less. Keep communicating openly with everyone and I can see no reason why this can’t continue to be a good solution as long as everyone involved is happy. 

[Mrprb]

21 minutes ago, Liara said:

You are not alone in that kind of situations, other people here have a partner and a lover. Sometimes for some years.

Your girlfriend is totally free to leave if she wants, nothing forces her to stay, that's her choice.

Don't forget that relationships can have a lot of various forms and don't have to follow a really strict and rigid way. If you can find your happyness in that, and your wife and your girlfriend too... That's the best!

Thanks Liara, hearing that I’m not alone in this type of relationship is comforting so Thankyou. Also that my girlfriend can leave at any point is up to her - you are right. I have had that discussion with her on occasion. I do have a partner and a lover. Having someone to hold is so nice…. 

[Liara]

You definitely are not alone, you can read this : 

or that : 

 

[Mrprb]

32 minutes ago, AloneTogether said:

Your story is very familiar to many on here, including myself up to a point. Like you over the years I have been very tempted to have an affair, but found I was incapable of breaking the rules of our marriage. My recent realisation was that while I couldn’t bring myself to break the rules we could potentially change the rules. 
 

This is what you have done. You’ve changed the rules. You haven’t broken any so you have nothing to feel guilty about. 
 

as @Liara says your girlfriend is not in this relationship under false pretences. She understands the situation and she knows what she’s doing and is making a choice for herself. 
 

You are all making the best of a situation you may never have expected to be in, but find yourself in none-the-less. Keep communicating openly with everyone and I can see no reason why this can’t continue to be a good solution as long as everyone involved is happy. 

Hi Alonetogether, 

thankyou for your reply. 
Knowing that there are many people like me is both a bit strange and good to hear. The worst thought i have is getting old and having regrets (by doing nothing). So quite a few on this site are in very similar situations to myself…

I’d never even heard of asexual before my wife told me so it’s all new. 

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Mr PRB said:

I have broken a marital vow

I don't see it this way. You were given a green-light by your informed wife instead of inflicting a deception on her. "Fidelity" doesn't always have the same meaning in these kinds of relationships. Sometimes it does, but every couple is free to renegotiate their stated or unstated expectations, and you and your wife have done it.

 

She and your lover are both informed and both acting how they see fit.

 

My situation is similar, except for not having a regular lover. I'm not interested in a regular lover but I do have a form of open relationship and have seen people with no strings and my wife's consent. She also would rather it didn't have to be like this, but is sympathetic and appreciates contributing to a solution.

[Mrprb]

22 minutes ago, Olallieberry said:

I don't see it this way. You were given a green-light by your informed wife instead of inflicting a deception on her. "Fidelity" doesn't always have the same meaning in these kinds of relationships. Sometimes it does, but every couple is free to renegotiate their stated or unstated expectations, and you and your wife have done it.

 

She and your lover are both informed and both acting how they see fit.

 

My situation is similar, except for not having a regular lover. I'm not interested in a regular lover but I do have a form of open relationship and have seen people with no strings and my wife's consent. She also would rather it didn't have to be like this, but is sympathetic and appreciates contributing to a solution.

Thanks for reply

Yes your situation is similar. I’m happy that you have found a solution too. Yes a renegotiation has happened as our lives have gone on. I used to get quite upset/ knot in stomach - thinking about rest of life without intimacy (we didn’t even hug or hold hands - which I accepted) - that feeling has now  gone . As I was given green light 🚦 I asked my wife if she would ever consider the same thing. She said she doubts it but you never know. I obvs have/will give a green light too if she ever feels need. I want her to be happy. 
 

[C-N-A]

Feeling rejected.... no idea how or where to look for help. Need resources for my asexual spouse to help them understand how I feel, I have 100's of resources for me to understand an asexual but nothing I can give to them for them to understand me and maybe come up with ideas of what we can do to help my situation. This is a one sided thing right not where I have to understand and make accommodations to met my asexual spouses needs and wants but nothing coming my way unless I ask and put myself in a position of being rejected... ITs too fucking much to be rejected daily.

[Ceebs]

9 hours ago, C-N-A said:

This is a one sided thing right not where I have to understand and make accommodations to met my asexual spouses needs and wants but nothing coming my way unless I ask and put myself in a position of being rejected... ITs too fucking much to be rejected daily.

Can I ask what you're looking for from your spouse? Do you have specific ideas of what you want/need from them? Other than the impossibility that they'll suddenly become sexual, of course.
 

I'm not sure what your sex life looks like at the moment and what type of sexual activities they're genuinely ok participating in (if any at all), but if it's sex where you feel truly desired... unfortunately that's not ever going to happen. No amount of asking for sex is going to make someone who's asexual want it in the way you do (which I imagine you know all too well by this point).

 

Is it permission to have sexual relationships/encounters with other people, aka some form of ethical non-monogamy? Some mixed couples have made that work for them. Of course that depends on what both of you are comfortable with and takes a lot of careful and mutually respectful negotiation.

 

Is it even just genuine acknowledgment and understanding of your feelings and how you're struggling with things as they currently are? Is it helping them get a better idea of what sexual intimacy means to you? Is it something like broaching the topic of splitting up? 

[Olallieberry]

10 hours ago, C-N-A said:

Need resources for my asexual spouse to help them understand how I feel

The best resource for this is probably "nonviolent communication." If what you want is to express feelings and have them be witnessed, then you'll need skills like "I statements" and compassion for the other person's situation.

 

You can't make your partner have empathy if they aren't capable of it, but you can express yourself in the way which is most likely to lead to their hearing you with empathy instead of reacting defensively. If the two of you aren't already good at this, then it isn't an overnight process to develop those skills. But the barrier here seems to be about communication, and not about the details of what the particular friction or difficulty between you two is.

 

"Not capable of empathy" could mean a couple of different things. Some people are just not capable of empathy at all. But a lot of people shut down their ability to empathize when they feel threatened or attacked by someone who is just expressing their own difficult feelings with no intention of blaming or manipulating. The good news is that the second situation can be overcome if both people are willing to work together and allow each other to make progress. It's not easy and doesn't happen overnight but a couple can help each other become better at it. They both have to want it, they both have to want it more than they want to be defensive.

 

10 hours ago, C-N-A said:

nothing coming my way unless I ask and put myself in a position of being rejected... ITs too fucking much to be rejected daily

Maybe consider ruling out asking completely for the time being and even maybe consider expressing to your partner, reassuring them, that you aren't going to ask for sex until you two can talk about their sexuality and about the effects the mis-match is having on you. Saying out loud, and internalizing the fact for yourself, that sex is just off the table might be a step which relieves some of the automatic defensive reactions you're both having. Your partner won't have to worry about you trying to make things sexual, and you won't have to worry about getting rejected. This can take a lot of pressure off so that you both have more emotional energy to apply toward talking about the issue instead of trying to get some sex or defend against getting asked for sex.

 

I'm the sexual partner in a mis-matched relationship like this and the above statements are things I've experienced and applied in my situation. They worked. That is to say, they didn't make my spouse and I start having a sex life together, but they did clear the decks so that we could talk about what it means for our relationship that we don't have one and what will it take for that to not destroy our marriage.

 

10 hours ago, C-N-A said:

This is a one sided thing right not where I have to understand and make accommodations to met my asexual spouses needs and wants but nothing coming my way

This is kind of common. For the asexual partner in a mis-matched relationship like this, it's easy to get what they want by just saying "no," but that doesn't help the sexual partner in any way. It's not about the sex - it's about our sense of being the only one who's having a problem while the other partner seems happy as a clam and not sensitive to the problems caused by the inequality.

 

My last bit of advice is that you probably have to be prepared for the possibility that sex with your spouse will never be what you want it to be, and may even never be a thing at all, depending on how you both feel about things after you get completely honest and transparent with each other about your respective feelings.

[Lonelyalone]

On 3/29/2022 at 1:09 AM, Lulu48 said:

I know nothing about marriage but I do know other people have shared similar experiences like yours. The sexual partner might feel "less than", insecure, unwanted, rejected, unattractive, etc. But we should also be mindful of the other side of the coin, the asexual partner, that is. Being asexual also can give that individual a sense of insecurity, not being able to satisfy their partner, feeling left out, disappointing, etc. In short, both may feel that same sense of 'brokenness', but it's not anyone's fault - it's just who we are. I know because I can relate being an asexual, but that doesn't mean I don't want to understand a sexual person.

 

My advice is to truly have an open honest talk with your husband, try to understand him wholly as you understand yourself. It's fine if you do not want to share every minor details regarding your marriage, though you need to believe in order for this relationship to work, you have to believe each other. Your husband sounds like a very good person and he also promised you that he loved you. It seems to me that a breakup might be a last resort if you both can work this out together. 

Your comment resonated with me quite a bit. 

 

Below is my update after more than 2 years:

I am currently much happier in my marriage than I was before but things are not drastically different. I still get hurt from the rejection sometimes but I know that my husband loves me and I've accepted that this is something he cannot change. I've tried to work on my communication and channeled my energy into work, kids and our home. I try to do more things that will make him happy because I realized when he is happy things are much better at home and with us. And more importantly I do things that will make me more happy and at peace. He is still kind, funny and my best friend and even though my needs for intimacy are not met completely I can see that he is making efforts. he will let me hug him for more than 2 seconds and give him pecks on his cheeks without pushing me like before. 

 

It is absolutely true what you said about us both feeling a sense of "brokenness and feeling insecurity". The only thing that helps with it is being more patient, considerate and knowing that you are there for each other. It sounds preachy and I admit I often struggle with these myself but I am trying. The one thing I do more often now is I make sure we are healthy and happy and I give him time to consider sex. I ask him if he would be willing a day or two ahead (sometimes a week or two) and still 90% of the times he turns me down but I've learnt to joke about it and let go. I guess it was more my ego that used to get hurt earlier. Not to mention the unrealistic expectations from movies and stories shared by friends. I had to remind myself that if knowing what I know now would I ever not choose him? And the answer is that I would always choose him! Once I admitted this to myself it got a lot better. 

 

I am very grateful to this group and for your support. I come here from time to time for help and for those struggling, please know that you are not alone! 

[Lulu48]

 

On 9/7/2024 at 2:35 AM, Lonelyalone said:

It is absolutely true what you said about us both feeling a sense of "brokenness and feeling insecurity". The only thing that helps with it is being more patient, considerate and knowing that you are there for each other.

Wow! Good to know that you're doing better. I'm glad my comment that I'd left a while ago still resonate with you. And while yes, it might feel like there's something "broken" for both partners but I don't like to call it like that. Let's just say it's a difference that needs to be communicated, because essentially, whether you're asexual or not, whatever your orientation is, nobody is "broken" because there's nothing to be "fixed." We're all different in our unique way  be safe, and I wish you the best.

[AnotherGuest]

What an interesting conversation that has gone on so long! I guess I felt inclined to share my thoughts if I am so bold as to do so. 
 

I suppose the big take away is that people are different. Like fundamentally, sometimes you can’t QUITE understand them different. Perhaps so different that asexuals have trouble understanding themselves. But they aren’t wrong, or glitched, or erroneous. They’re just people, and I don’t think that’s reason enough to divorce them.
 

People in a marriage inevitably change and grow and become different people over time. You hope a couple changes together but sometimes not. Still though, I believe a good marriage survives these changes over time using oodles of communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise, and hard work.

 

Obviously this doesn’t apply to abusive or toxic relationships; thise are a whole other ball game which I will not get into now

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, AnotherGuest said:

But they aren’t wrong, or glitched, or erroneous. They’re just people, and I don’t think that’s reason enough to divorce them.

Well of course asexuals (or people of any other orientation) aren't 'wrong, glitched, or erroneous'. If someone wants a divorce solely because they believe something is wrong with their spouse, then their spouse is probably better off without them because no one should be in a relationship with someone who thinks there's something fundamentally wrong with them. That's insulting. That said, a mismatch in some important realm (be it sex or any other major component of a serious relationship) that leads to stress, pain, loneliness, misunderstandings, guilt, shame, resentment... all the stuff that can really harm a person's overall wellbeing... is a completely valid reason to end a relationship. And I don't just mean for the sexual partner, but both people. If there isn't a way for both of them to get their needs met -- whether that's a need for sexual intimacy or a need to have a relationship free of it -- then generally everyone is better off if they're free to find someone who's a more compatible match (or to not be in a relationship at all, since some aces realise they're happier single).

[Liara]

If the relationship leaves a partner totally unsatisfied with the lack of sex intimacy, you can talk as much as you want, that will change nothing. And that's a very good reason to divorce. Incompatibility is nobody's fault but a very valid reason to break up.

[Sally]

Most American state now offer no-fault divorces, very unlike the process many decades ago when one partner  had to state what the other had done that was bad enough for the first partner to be given a divorce.  Now the reason for divorce is usually "irreconcilable differences."   Sexual incompatibility certainly is irreconcilable.   

[Windmills of My Mind]

I agree with @Mrs Telecaster-to-be and @Liara.

 

Also, I would like to specifically respond to this:

 

2 hours ago, AnotherGuest said:

Still though, I believe a good marriage survives these changes over time using oodles of communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise, and hard work.

To me this suggests that when a marriage (or relationship) does not survive it can be blamed on a lack of communication, love, whatever. At some point or other one partner has gone through endless struggles, pain, disappointment etc, decides that they cannot be happy in the relationship and ends it. On top of that, they get blamed for not putting in enough communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise. And most of all not enough hard work. That hurts. And it is totally unfair.

 

You may find this works for you, in your marriage. However it is not something you can extrapolate to all marriages. Unless your definition of a "good marriage" is one that survives, however unhappy one or both partners are. If that is your definition, fine with me. I strongly disagree. To me a good marriage or relationship is one in which both partners are happy and have their needs met. For many people it takes sexual compatibility to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. We should neither blame nor shame them for this.

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, AnotherGuest said:

I believe a good marriage survives these changes over time using oodles of communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise, and hard work.

I guess if you define a "good marriage" as one which can survive, then yeah, but sometimes there is a good marriage which can't and doesn't survive even with all those oodles, because the two people have a fundamental incompatibility or fundamentally different needs and/or goals.

 

Mine hasn't fallen apart but it's not guaranteed to survive, and I consider it a good marriage, with lots of communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise, and hard work.

 

Will it be enough? We'll see, but if it fails, some kind of "no true Scotsman" argument and blamey definition won't make it a bad marriage.

[Ceebs]

You can also have a good relationship that survives changes over time -- without it being a romantic one anymore, without remaining married. Certainly that depends on the individual personalities of the people involved and their specific dynamic and everything that's taken place between them, but it's possible to have a very good friendship with someone you were once married to. I do. You don't have to lose a whole connection because you're not compatible as partners. And sometimes that's a lot healthier and more fulfilling than trying to make something work in a way that it just doesn't.

[Olallieberry]

1 hour ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

I would like to specifically respond to this:

 

To me this suggests that when a marriage (or relationship) does not survive it can be blamed on a lack of communication, love, whatever. At some point or other one partner has gone through endless struggles, pain, disappointment etc, decides that they cannot be happy in the relationship and ends it. On top of that, they get blamed for not putting in enough communication, love, compassion, forgiveness, compromise. And most of all not enough hard work. That hurts. And it is totally unfair.

 

You may find this works for you, in your marriage. However it is not something you can extrapolate to all marriages. Unless your definition of a "good marriage" is one that survives, however unhappy one or both partners are. If that is your definition, fine with me. I strongly disagree. To me a good marriage or relationship is one in which both partners are happy and have their needs met. For many people it takes sexual compatibility to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. We should neither blame nor shame them for this.

Yeah! Totally.

[Missi-00]

On 9/25/2024 at 2:49 PM, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

You can also have a good relationship that survives changes over time -- without it being a romantic one anymore, without remaining married. Certainly that depends on the individual personalities of the people involved and their specific dynamic and everything that's taken place between them, but it's possible to have a very good friendship with someone you were once married to. I do. You don't have to lose a whole connection because you're not compatible as partners. And sometimes that's a lot healthier and more fulfilling than trying to make something work in a way that it just doesn't.

Absolutely this, better to be happy apart than miserable together. It's not an easy decision to make but sometimes is for the best and you can remain great friends.

[LIC]

On 3/28/2022 at 8:45 PM, Lonelyalone said:

I’m struggling with this. Are the sexual partners of asexual and aromantic partners just deciding they don’t need sexual intimacy or romance in order to stay with their spouse? Married 14 years now and realizing how much I’ve gone without when it’s so important to me. Are couples actually surviving this, with open relationships and staying married? I can’t imagine have a sexual and romantic relationship while still married to my long time best friend. 

 

[Ceebs]

@LIC I notice you're just quoting posts in old threads without actually posting anything yourself. Is there something you're intending to comment?

[MarRister]

46 minutes ago, Mrs Telecaster-to-be said:

@LIC I notice you're just quoting posts in old threads without actually posting anything yourself. Is there something you're intending to comment?

I think they've typed their post within the quote box. If you click on the quote box to go back to where that original quote text comes from, it isn't the same text. Unless if it is somewhere else and I've missed that then ignore me. 

[Ceebs]

4 minutes ago, MarRister said:

I think they've typed their post within the quote box. If you click on the quote box to go back to where that original quote text come from, it isn't the same text. Unless if it is somewhere else and I've missed that then ignore me. 

Ohhh nope, you're right, yep. Never quite sure how that happens but I've seen it before.

[Traveler40]

On 10/4/2024 at 9:04 PM, LIC said:

Are couples actually surviving this, with open relationships and staying married?

Yes.

 

On 10/4/2024 at 9:04 PM, LIC said:

I can’t imagine have a sexual and romantic relationship while still married to my long time best friend. 

Neither could I. When I was younger (and way more judgy), I believed in the classic Disney version of life.  Well, ahem, that version is  a lie.

 

While we have “mixed marriage” in common, our sets of variables are different. However, there are only 4 options to deal with this type of relationship mismatch and each one is a viable and valid choice. You might want to consider each one carefully. 

 

The largest life lesson I’ve learned is that we’re only limited by our own minds and the normative set of internal parameters gifted to us by society. There’s not much anyone can do about that for you. You must decide to shape your own life. 

 

What was once impossible, crazy, unthinkable, “beneath or beyond me” and worthy of a pearl clutch is now happily my norm. In practice, it’s terribly bland, run of the mill and surprisingly unremarkable.  I’ve found that it’s the mindset ingrained by society that shapes the shock and awe insinuated by the quoted bit above. 
 

Seeing beyond one’s boxed mind might open up a path to a solution for an otherwise impossible, life-crippling situation. I believe sexual partners are tasked with considering each option equally and seriously if seeking a happier outcome.

 

Of course, many immediately discard viable paths by reflex. I say explore the reflex! You’re only hampered by narrative, not reality.
 

In my case, it was amazing to find what I thought I knew about myself, my life, my dreams, desires, husband, family and capacity for change were all thankfully wrong.  

Anyhow, welcome to AVEN. You’re not alone.

 

[Olallieberry]

12 hours ago, LIC said:

I can’t imagine have a sexual and romantic relationship while still married to my long time best friend. 

Like I've said here on AVEN a handful of times:

 

I don't want extramarital sex because I don't love my (asexual) wife, I want it because I do.