How to live with an asexual spouse?

[Lonelyalone]

I love my husband of 12 years. He’s my best friend and he’s kind and a good husband to me and a good father to our 2 kids. When we were dating, he would kiss me. We had sex for the first time 6 months before our wedding and then didn’t have sex until our first wedding night. After that it was the same story which has been going on for 12 years now. We go months without sex, more than 18 months each time we had a kid.  Then finally I need to bed him for weeks until he finally gives in. We have a perfect marriage save this one private thing that has made me doubt myself and makes me feel rejected. I used to ask him if he’s gay or doesn’t find me attractive. But after all these years I finally found out about asexuals and he seems to fit the description to a T. He is unromantic to the extent that he will not wish me for birthdays, anniversary or valentines. But he will do the dishes or be nice to my parents when they visit. He also is hands on with our kids. But I feel so unloved, so worthless, rejected by the one person  who means everything to me. How do partners of asexuals survive this? I thought with time I would stop needing sex but it’s not just sex, he never wants to hold hands, cuddle or even sleep in the same room most of the days. Yet he promises me that he loves me. No he’s not having an affair. What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving him, but the thought of breaking up our family is heart breaking. I have everything except this one thing. How do I compromise without hurting him? I love him so much. Why doesn’t he reciprocate or compromise even just a little? What do I do? Will it ever get better?

[Monke Jimmy]

I'm 18. Basically never been in a relationship. But I can tell you that it usually does get better. 

 

Have you thought about whether you would be alright being apart? Could that be a healthy decision? Or could you potentially open up your relationship?

It sounds like he isn't really suiting your needs in your relationship, and it doesn't seem like a relationship either of you want to be in. 

Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean being aromantic. And being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean someone is cold to others. I still give my family lots of hugs and make sure to celebrate all my friends' birthdays. 

 

Maybe just take a but and think about what would seem healthy to you. Does it seem healthy to continue as you are? Or would it be healthier to make some sort of change? Is there a way everybody can be happier?

It might also be a good idea to talk to a counselor, if you haven't already. 

[dwest]

1 hour ago, Lonelyalone said:

I love my husband of 12 years.

I was with someone for 10.5 years, I am asexual she's not. We never had kids but the pattern of sex, at least, was similar. I do enjoy cuddling, kissing, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed and other things like that, and I would participate whenever she initiated but it just wasn't on my mind. Partially what's different is that I brought to her my asexuality before we started, we talked about it a few times, she cheated on me and blamed me for it, and I forgave/was forgiven. Again and again it would cycle, but she didn't share her feelings with me, or ask me questions, or try and figure things out. And at the end, she told me that we were getting a divorce because I wouldn't change. It wasn't that I wouldn't, it's that I couldn't.

 

If someone's asexual, they are asexual. It's like being heterosexual or homosexual, if you were with someone who was homosexual would you ask them to change to have sex with you? It likely wouldn't work out for either person. That said, from the description asexuality isn't necessarily the only piece there, possibly aromantic, possibly low libido, possibly a low libido that's from some kind of other behavior (mental health, medications, etc). So, there's no way for me to tell you that things will change, and if it's really asexuality asking someone to compromise their sexuality doesn't work. My questions would be:
Have you asked him?
Have you two gone to therapy to figure things out?
Does he show signs of other unhealthy behaviors that could be resolved to see if it's that?
Was he ever different?

 

To be fair, he should be working this out with you, even if you both come to some conclusion that isn't what you want or is good. To do that, you both really need to be working this out together, exploring options, selves, and getting support together. I can't, you can't, no one else can determine if he's asexual but we're here as a resource for experiences and there are professionals who can help with this and other things that may be related.

 

Best regards to you.

[Lulu48]

I know nothing about marriage but I do know other people have shared similar experiences like yours. The sexual partner might feel "less than", insecure, unwanted, rejected, unattractive, etc. But we should also be mindful of the other side of the coin, the asexual partner, that is. Being asexual also can give that individual a sense of insecurity, not being able to satisfy their partner, feeling left out, disappointing, etc. In short, both may feel that same sense of 'brokenness', but it's not anyone's fault - it's just who we are. I know because I can relate being an asexual, but that doesn't mean I don't want to understand a sexual person.

 

My advice is to truly have an open honest talk with your husband, try to understand him wholly as you understand yourself. It's fine if you do not want to share every minor details regarding your marriage, though you need to believe in order for this relationship to work, you have to believe each other. Your husband sounds like a very good person and he also promised you that he loved you. It seems to me that a breakup might be a last resort if you both can work this out together. 

[Lonelyalone]

47 minutes ago, dwest said:
Have you asked him?
Have you two gone to therapy to figure things out?
Does he show signs of other unhealthy behaviors that could be resolved to see if it's that?
Was he ever different?

I have asked him, but I don’t think he knows or if it matters to him really. When I asked him today on our walk, he gave me a cold reply that he doesn’t know and what do I care if he is. when I replied that I married him and I have a right to know, he stormed off. 
 

He is not open to discuss this. I brought up therapy and he thinks I’m over reacting. He has asked me why sex is important. We have kids. I don’t ask him often. I ask him once a month and I’m usually turned down.
 

He doesn’t show any other unhealthy signs or any other signs per say. I wouldn’t think it’s medical or mental

as well because when we do do it. It’s wonderful.

He’s always been this way. 
 

I understand if he was gay, I wouldn’t want to force myself on him. But then I would know that separation would be best as he would have a shot at finding the right person for him. But in this case I’m his soulmate and I’m miserable. I wish I could change. I have changed in so many ways, I’m more patient, I try to tell myself that I’m  it being rejected, he does love me. But I feel cheated. I don’t want anyone else, I want him. If I walk away from this marriage, it will break our family. And right now I’ve companionship and someone who gets me. 

 

 

[Lonelyalone]

6 minutes ago, Lulu48 said:

I know nothing about marriage but I do know other people have shared similar experiences like yours. The sexual partner might feel "less than", insecure, unwanted, rejected, unattractive, etc. But we should also be mindful of the other side of the coin, the asexual partner, that is. Being asexual also can give that individual a sense of insecurity, not being able to satisfy their partner, feeling left out, disappointing, etc. In short, both may feel that same sense of 'brokenness', but it's not anyone's fault - it's just who we are. I know because I can relate being an asexual, but that doesn't mean I don't want to understand a sexual person.

 

My advice is to truly have an open honest talk with your husband, try to understand him wholly as you understand yourself. It's fine if you do not want to share every minor details regarding your marriage, though you need to believe in order for this relationship to work, you have to believe each other. Your husband sounds like a very good person and he also promised you that he loved you. It seems to me that a breakup might be a last resort if you both can work this out together. 

He is a very good man. We have been together for 14 years and he’s smart, funny, handsome, he’s my best friend. I’m attracted to him even after so many years and I’ve never felt him feel the same way about me. When we were friends he wooed me, would come to see me every chance he could and pursued me and convinced me to date and marry him. When we were dating we would talk for hours. We still do. But one aspect of our marriage is broken. I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless occasions. Yet, he won’t even comfort me. It feels like he’s controlling me, but over the years I’ve realized it’s just who he is. 
I wish there was some way I could surgically remove this need that I have. It’s died down over the years, but once every few months I’m reminded what I’m missing and it resurfaces all over again. It’s more of being unwanted and unloved. I feel alone when all my loved ones are with me. How ironic is that. 

[Lonelyalone]

1 hour ago, Monke Ilahi said:

I'm 18. Basically never been in a relationship. But I can tell you that it usually does get better. 

 

Have you thought about whether you would be alright being apart? Could that be a healthy decision? Or could you potentially open up your relationship?

It sounds like he isn't really suiting your needs in your relationship, and it doesn't seem like a relationship either of you want to be in. 

Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean being aromantic. And being aromantic doesn't necessarily mean someone is cold to others. I still give my family lots of hugs and make sure to celebrate all my friends' birthdays. 

 

Maybe just take a but and think about what would seem healthy to you. Does it seem healthy to continue as you are? Or would it be healthier to make some sort of change? Is there a way everybody can be happier?

It might also be a good idea to talk to a counselor, if you haven't already. 

We have young kids involved so separation is something I’ve not really thought about. What would improve if we do separate. I’ve learnt to be okay with not celebrating birthdays or anniversaries. I celebrate kids birthdays and Christmas in a big way so the kids have great memories. For his birthday I try to give him a small present and have cake. My birthday is a day apart and I’ve realized that it’s not in my destiny so I try to stay happy. With kids they are more happy and upbeat for my birthday so that really cheers me up.
I believe in marriage and open relationships is not an option for me. I wanted to go to a couples therapist but he won’t agree to it. Maybe I will go on my own. 

[Ceebs]

8 hours ago, Monke Ilahi said:

I'm 18. Basically never been in a relationship. But I can tell you that it usually does get better. 

1) It does?

 

2) How would you know if you've not been in a relationship...?

[Mountain House]

11 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

What do I do? I’ve thought of..., but the thought of .... I have .... How do I ...? ... Why doesn’t ...? What do I do?

...

8 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

I wanted to go to a ...therapist .... Maybe I will go ... 

I think that is a spectacular idea.

 

11 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

Will it ever get better?

If you are asking whether he will ever magically become more sexual with you? Nope, probably not.

If you ae asking will your life fulfillment and happiness improve? Well, that depends on you doing introspection and defining what "better" is for you and reaching for it. That is on you.

 

8 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

I feel alone when all my loved ones are with me. How ironic is that.

Many here relate to this. I know the feeling.

It's brain chemistry though. How you are wired. Your husband will not understand this because it is not how he is wired.

 

Welcome by the way.

[dwest]

8 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

He is a very good man. We have been together for 14 years and he’s smart, funny, handsome, he’s my best friend. I’m attracted to him even after so many years and I’ve never felt him feel the same way about me. When we were friends he wooed me, would come to see me every chance he could and pursued me and convinced me to date and marry him. When we were dating we would talk for hours. We still do. But one aspect of our marriage is broken. I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless occasions. Yet, he won’t even comfort me. It feels like he’s controlling me, but over the years I’ve realized it’s just who he is. 
I wish there was some way I could surgically remove this need that I have. It’s died down over the years, but once every few months I’m reminded what I’m missing and it resurfaces all over again. It’s more of being unwanted and unloved. I feel alone when all my loved ones are with me. How ironic is that. 

Please, at least take that away from this post, there's not a single thing wrong with you and your desire for physical intimacy. And I don't think you can work this out alone. If he isn't interested in working with you on it, there's not a lot you can do for him. Therapists can help, but there's nothing broken with you - they may give you ways of talking to him though that might open him up more. After 10 1/2 years with someone where I was the talker, I was the open person, I just wasn't the sex inclined person, not being able to talk to my partner openly and getting her open feedback in return was the hardest part. 

I do have a lot of opinions on some of the questions he rebuffs you with, but I don't know him. I'll take it from you that they aren't meant to hurt, or to shift blame (even if potentially from shame/worry). If you start with therapy, just know that the question you shouldn't be asking is "how do I stop caring about sex".

[Traveler40]

9 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

I believe in marriage

It’s assumed that you mean in the traditional sense. I too believe in my marriage, it simply looks different from the inside.  Welcome to AVEN. 

 

Your options include:

 

1. Remain as is - there’s zero hope of material change to how things are with your husband. Live it and embrace that to keep the family together. 
 

2. Change it up - Perhaps you need to hit rock bottom first while realizing divorce is not an option you’d like to exercise in order to consider opening. Perhaps you’ll never accept this as an option and move straight to divorce in time. Either way, it’s a choice.

 

3. Divorce - You could wait until the kids grow up, but that’s a long time and your prime will be withering away. 
 

I found AVEN at the exact point you did in my relationship. We also had 2 young children. The only difference is that I had hit the wall and rock bottom in my pain. I broke at 8+ years celibate and can only say it had to happen to be where I am today. 
 

By the way, Happy Anniversary to my lover and most amazing man I’ve had the honor to love. Today marks 5 years. The kids think it’s funny that Mommy celebrates a “friendiversary”. The bottom line to me is that we celebrate.

[Monke Jimmy]

3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

11 hours ago, Monke Ilahi said:

But I can tell you that it usually does get better. 

1) It does?

 

2) How would you know if you've not been in a relationship...?

I guess not relationships specifically, but based on a lot of my family, friends, and counselors, people's situations do tend to improve. 

I guess the most relevant example is my grandparents, who had consistently bad relationships until about 20 years ago, and are now happy where that are. 

I think that on average people have a tendency to figure things out. Sometimes it just takes a while. 

 

And I said I've "basically" never been in a relationship. I had one of those non-relationships in high school and it taught me a lot about the importance of communication, whether or not to go on a date, what to do on a date, what a corsage is, etc. A lot of that information really helped me last year, but that's a longer story. 

[intheshadowoferos]

12 hours ago, Lonelyalone said:

He is unromantic to the extent that he will not wish me for birthdays, anniversary or valentines. But he will do the dishes or be nice to my parents when they visit. He also is hands on with our kids. But I feel so unloved, so worthless, rejected by the one person  who means everything to me.

I have lived that. 
welcome to AVEN. You’ll find you are not alone. We hear you and see you and hurt along with you. I’m married 30yrs. We last had sex and intimate touch 14 yrs ago. I equate sex and intimacy with relationship so I believe in our marriage. I cannot throw the baby out with the bath water, so I won’t divorce him or leave because our Orientations are misaligned. It hurts to know that I won’t experience intimacy they was I had ever again, but we are working on improving our communication and although we are just at the beginning of all of this, the way we talk with each other has reduced some stress already. I think therapy is important, go! Find a therapist! One that is skilled in mixed orientation relationships and who recognizes asexuality. I believe that is key to it being validated. I’ve read a lot of books on orientations and asexuality specifically. Right now I am working my my own self esteem because I have felt pretty invisible, emotionally abandoned, and insignificant for a long time. If you to reach out and ask more about how I found out therapist or what I’ve read, dm me.

All the best!

[dwest]

13 minutes ago, intheshadowoferos said:

I think therapy is important, go! Find a therapist! One that is skilled in mixed orientation relationships and who recognizes asexuality.

This point is super important. Asexuality was only removed from the DSM as a mental illness back in 2013. By medical professionals of all types it is very much still misunderstood, isn't taken seriously, and other options are always presented as the root cause. Those questions I asked about other unhealthy things, isn't a question for many, they presume that it must be one of those other things and will start treating it that way for weeks/months/years because their own belief gets in the way of discovery. 

[nanogretchen4]

Asexuals pretty much never become more open to having sex as a mixed orientation relationship goes on. In fact they nearly always become less and less willing to have sex.

 

Couples therapy would not do anything to change the fact that you and your husband have incompatible sexual orientations, and probably incompatible romantic orientations as well. Honestly, it sounds like your husband probably values you as a best friend, coparent, and life partner but has never been in love with you or sexually attracted to you. I think it would be best for you to take some time to process and accept that reality, then make reality based life choices. During this journey, individual therapy may be quite helpful. You need to distinguish between things that can happen in real life and fantasies. You also need to distinguish between things that you alone can control and things that are out of your control.

 

Any vision of your marriage that includes your husband somehow developing sexual or romantic feelings for you, or wanting to have sex with you, or making any type of spontaneous or sincere romantic gestures is a fantasy. In the long-run you might be happier if you don't indulge in these fantasies. If you must fantasize about an alternate universe version of your husband who is not aroace, realize that you are fantasizing about a fictional character who bears an arguably problematic resemblance to a real person while not even trying to be a faithful representation of that person. But fine, treat the fantasy as a short story you are telling yourself, bring it to a conclusion, and say "The end." Then move on to dealing with your real life as a total change of subject.

 

"Sexual compromise"  is a euphemism for some form of partnered sexual interaction that the asexual partner probably does not want. Basic principles of sexual consent should make it clear that you cannot make this one happen. It is totally up to your husband, and it does not seem that he is going to make an unpressured choice to have sex with you on anything like a regular basis.

You mentioned that you have a history of begging your husband for sex for weeks until he gives in. That is not unpressured consent, and I don't think you should do that anymore. After some self reflection you may reach a point where you want to apologize to your husband and make a commitment not to pressure him sexually going forward. 

 

Continuing to hope for sex with your husband has led to a problematic relationship dynamic in the past. It also gives your husband way too much power over your happiness and life satisfaction. The little sex that may occur at intervals you can't predict or control is probably just enough to increase your cravings. Begging and getting rejected or having empty one sided sex and feeling guilty and lonely afterwards will probably cause you more suffering than doing without sex altogether.

 

My short term advice is to voluntarily embrace celibacy as a conscious experiment or challenge for the next six months or a year. This has a dual purpose. First, it may give you clarity about whether or not you can be happily celibate indefinitely with the help of habit, mental reframing, etc. A majority of sexuals cannot be happily celibate forever, but some can. If you discover that you can, it could be your best or least bad option. So why not give it a good faith trial?

 

The second reason I think you should try that now is because this is the option that you have an unlimited right and ability to do 100% unilaterally right now. You don't even have to tell your husband that you are undertaking a personal celibacy challenge unless you want to. This gives you time to go to individual therapy and think clearly about what you want in the longterm. 

 

If at the end of your celibacy challenge you decide you are ready to explore ethical nonmonogamy or a well planned amicable divorce with a strong coparenting relationship, or even to go back to asking your husband (one time, politely, ready to take no for an answer) for sex he does not want, at that point I do think you will need couples therapy. 

 

 

[Mountain House]

☝️ What @nanogretchen4said.

[uhtred]

I've been married >30 years to an asexual woman.  It DOES NOT get better.   One person may stop complaining, and the other may THINK its better but its not.  (at least in my case).

 

The feelings of rejection. of a part of your live lost, do not get better as the years and decades go by.

 

For a marriage to have value, I believe it needs to make BOTH people happy. Maybe there is some compromise in your situation, so its worth talking with him, but likely there isn't.

 

BTW: please do not stay for the kids.  I grew up raises by parents in an unhappy marriage.  Divorce would have been far better for me - it would have let me see what a happy loving couple was like, and maybe I would have seen the signs that I was in an unhappy relationship.

 

feel free to PM

[Sally]

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

BTW: please do not stay for the kids.  I grew up raises by parents in an unhappy marriage.  Divorce would have been far better for me

^^ Yes.  I'm beginning to think that mixed couples who stay together because they feel that divorce will hurt the kids are often using that as an excuse to take responsibility for separating.  

 

And as an asexual who had sex because I loved my partner, sex when you do not want it does NOT get better.   

[Traveler40]

On 3/29/2022 at 2:49 PM, uhtred said:

BTW: please do not stay for the kids.  I grew up raises by parents in an unhappy marriage.  Divorce would have been far better for me -

I agree with this if the mixed marriage is unhappy. In fact, that goes for any unhappy couple for any reason. Mixed relationships that are generally happy otherwise aren’t “must split” and are more complicated by the layers.

 

I think that is why some folks find their way to AVEN. The relationships are great in all other aspects, and they want a way to make it work. It’s highly frustrating, but a reality most here seem to be grappling with. 
 

What @Sally says is likely true in some cases, but I suspect fall short when considering mixed marriages between folks who are compatible in all other areas. Adding kids further complicates that.

[MyWifeIsAce]

23 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Asexuals pretty much never become more open to having sex as a mixed orientation relationship goes on. In fact they nearly always become less and less willing to have sex.

Interesting. I do think this is your perspective. There is a lot of negative feelings on AVEN, which I completely understand. But it is a space where we should also share successes. I've had quite a different experience since my wife recognized her orientation. We have had a lot of dark days but through a lot of open conversations, possibilities, and understanding we are at a totally different space that I've never experienced before. We don't totally understand it but things are way better and so so very different once we accepted each other for our differences and recognized each others orientation, thoughts, etc. I think there needs to be more focus on this. I found my unicorn and it turns out she has found herself too. She is able to accept herself and understand that nothing is wrong with her, and the same goes for me. There is no more pressure in our relationship and the walls have come down. We enjoy our moments together and are closer than we've ever been. It's a f*ing roller coaster to get here but for right now we are in one of the most tender but best places we've been for 20 years... and for us it came down to accepting and understanding and working for each other... We are Ying & Yang, We are the most A-Typical case of opposites attract... it's hard for us to understand each other but it kinda doesn't matter because we love each other and we accept what we need to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be... and that has made us SOOOO close at this stage in our relationship. 

There are good stories of mixed couples. There are great resources, tests etc available online to help you better understand each other and hopefully like us you will find true acceptance of each other and face the big questions together. When you do fully accept all of that and each other, and have very raw honest conversations in a space of loving care, I do believe you can find a way to work it out if you are both in-love and willing to make each other truly and fully happy. It's a mind f**k, but through reassurance you learn to worry less and less about that and move into a space of working together and if you are as lucky as we are at the moment you can both find yourselves in the most fulfilling relationship of your life. And I wish and us,  continued luck and success in your relationships.  

[nanogretchen4]

I am glad your relationship is going well. From the standpoint of advice for the OP it would be helpful to know what actual strategy is working for you.

 

If all of these conversations and resources have helped you to embrace celibacy, I genuinely think that is awesome and that those resources you mention would be very helpful to the OP.

 

If you have successfully embraced polyamory, I am very happy for you. While the OP does not currently sound open to polyamory, it is possible that will change at some future time. Polyamory related resources could be helpful to the OP at some point, and could also be helpful to many other mixed orientation couples who may be reading this.

 

Yes, there are mixed orientation success stories, most of which involve either celibacy or polyamory. However, it is only fair to add that there are many more stories of people were in mixed orientation relationships and are now very happily divorced and either happily single or in more compatible relationships.

 

If by any chance your happy resolution involves having sex with your asexual wife, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that she is one of the 4% of asexuals who are sex favorable. That's great for you but not applicable to the OP's situation. Sex favorable asexuals do not refuse sex until they have been worn down by weeks of begging, therefore the OP's husband obviously is not sex favorable.

[Geekykitty]

On 3/29/2022 at 1:45 PM, Lonelyalone said:

How do I compromise without hurting him? I love him so much. Why doesn’t he reciprocate or compromise even just a little? What do I do? Will it ever get better?

Hi, sorry you are going through this. I don't know if your husband is asexual, but I can give you an asexual's perspective. So you ask why he can't compromise - I'm guessing you mean with regards to sex? Some asexuals are able to have sex to please a loved one, but for others like myself the idea of having sex is quite gross and unappealing - even with someone you love. I personally could not "compromise" and force myself to have sex. Imagine if I asked you to have sex with a family member - like a brother or sister. Even though you might love your brother or sister the idea of having sex with them is not appealing. Anyway I have no idea exactly how your husband feels about sex, but I thought I'd try to explain how many asexuals feel about sex. Just because he doesnt want sex though doesn't mean he can't love you. Love can exist without sex. 

 

As for him being "unromantic" not wishing you happy birthday etc... well that is not really the same as being asexual. That might just be his personality ? Was he always like that? I guess you either accept that's the way he is, or ask him to do more of these things that you would like. 

 

On 3/29/2022 at 4:12 PM, Lonelyalone said:

I have asked him, but I don’t think he knows or if it matters to him really. When I asked him today on our walk, he gave me a cold reply that he doesn’t know and what do I care if he is. when I replied that I married him and I have a right to know, he stormed off. 
 

He is not open to discuss this. I brought up therapy and he thinks I’m over reacting. He has asked me why sex is important. We have kids. I don’t ask him often. I ask him once a month and I’m usually turned down.

Ok this is worrying that he is not willing to discuss this issue with you. Honestly for a relationship to work you should be able to have an open discussion about important things like this. I don't see how things can really improve or move forward if he is not willing to talk about them? The only way you can work this out is to somehow get him to talk to you and be honest about how he feels. At least then if he says he never wants to have sex again you will know where you stand and can make your own choice about whether to remain in the relationship or not. 

[nanogretchen4]

I really doubt that he's an out, self identified asexual who has been hiding his orientation from his wife all this time. In fact, he may be hearing about the asexual label for the first time during a conversation where his wife is demanding to know whether he is asexual. You cannot just drag someone out of the closet kicking and screaming like that. Coming out can be a slow, complicated, and very challenging process.This is why I think the husband might benefit from individual therapy to support the coming out process and help him navigate the challenges that are probably going to come up for him. He may self identify as asexual soon, years from now, or never, and his eventual choice of labels really is his own choice and his own business.

 

The wife does not have to wait until the husband chooses a label and announces it to her to make life decisions for herself. She just needs to accept that if the sexual incompatibility in her relationship has not changed in twelve years it probably won't change. She can privately think of the husband as functionally asexual and proceed with whatever she would do if he had actually come out to her as asexual. Pretending she is helpless to make life choices for herself until her husband does something is stalling and trying to shift responsibility. She needs to recognize her own rights and what she has the power to do within the relationship. She can choose celibacy unilaterally. Technically she could file for divorce unilaterally, but especially since there are children involved it would be a lot better to have a slower and more mutual process of planning an amicable divorce with a great coparenting arrangement. She can also raise the possibility of ethical nonmonogamy with her husband. However, if she is just realizing that she is in a mixed orientation marriage and her husband is just learning that asexuality is a thing that might apply to him, they are both going through a lot. Divorce or opening the relationship will both be long, complex, and emotionally demanding processes. I'm not sure either partner is in a good place to take on something like that right now. Giving celibacy a serious trial is the thing she can do right now all by herself. 

[Geekykitty]

9 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The wife does not have to wait until the husband chooses a label and announces it to her to make life decisions for herself. She just needs to accept that if the sexual incompatibility in her relationship has not changed in twelve years it probably won't change. She can privately think of the husband as functionally asexual and proceed with whatever she would do if he had actually come out to her as asexual. Pretending she is helpless to make life choices for herself until her husband does something is stalling and trying to shift responsibility.

Yes true I see what you're saying, she always does have a choice whether to leave the marriage or not. But it sounds like she doesn't want to ??

I still think the husband needs to communicate more with the wife. There might be some other reason why is doesn't want sex, who knows.

This what the wife said: 

 When I asked him today on our walk, he gave me a cold reply that he doesn’t know and what do I care if he is. when I replied that I married him and I have a right to know, he stormed off. 
He is not open to discuss this. I brought up therapy and he thinks I’m over reacting

I understand he might be going through a difficult time but a husband and wife should be able to communicate with eachother. He doesn't need to have a label, but she needs to know whether he never wants sex again, or if there is some specific reason he doesn't want sex (maybe there is some medical issue we don't know about, or he suffered some abuse, etc..). I'm guessing she doesn't just want to divorce him without understanding the full story. 

 

9 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

oming out can be a slow, complicated, and very challenging process.This is why I think the husband might benefit from individual therapy to support the coming out process and help him navigate the challenges that are probably going to come up for him.

Yes if he can't talk to his wife about it sounds like therapy would be a good option.

[nanogretchen4]

Well, I wasn't there for the conversation where the wife asked the husband if he is asexual, but I think there are two sides to what happened and we are only hearing the wife's side. Even based on her account, he told her that he does not know whether he is asexual. So unless we assume he is lying, we are not dealing with an out asexual and it just isn't helpful to insist that you have a right to know someone's orientation if they have already told you they do not know themself. I can see why he would become very uncomfortable with that conversation very quickly and just feel like he needed to leave. And since it doesn't necessarily sound like the wife would be okay with it if her husband were asexual (and quite possibly aroace given his lack of interest in holding hands or commemorating holidays), I can see how bringing up therapy in that conversation would be extremely threatening. It would be very easy to get the impression that the intent of the therapy is to fix the husband or, at the very least, to pressure him yet again to have sex he clearly does not want.

 

And I really doubt that he is withholding some secret reason why he does not want to have sex. Most likely he is asexual and only recently learned that having no desire for partnered sex is an orientation and is not comfortable thinking of himself as having a minority orientation and/or needs a lot more time to process this. The search for a medical explanation or a history of trauma is basically a way of continuing to say that he can and should be fixed. As if "I don't want to," is not a valid reason to decline sex, or as if he is not allowed to even begin learning to accept himself as he is before he has eliminated every possible program that someone thinks will turn him into a regular heterosexual. 

 

The wife says if he were gay she wouldn't want to force herself on him and would be willing to walk away. Bottom line, she shouldn't want to force herself on him if he is asexual. That is just as much a valid orientation, and she is just as much in a mixed orientation relationship, as if he were gay. And even if he has a history of trauma, or even if there are drugs that theoretically could increase his libido but he does not want to take them because he just doesn't want to have sex, that doesn't invalidate his potential asexuality and he doesn't have to try to change himself. So I think it is high time to move away from trying to change the husband and shift focus to making relationship decisions based on the assumption that this is just the way he really, permanently is.

[Geekykitty]

50 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

As if "I don't want to," is not a valid reason to decline sex

 

50 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

So I think it is high time to move away from trying to change the husband and shift focus to making relationship decisions based on the assumption that this is just the way he really, permanently is.

I don't think anyone is suggesting the husband isn't valid in not wanting sex, or that he needs to be "fixed" in any way. He is definitely within his rights to refuse sex for whatever reason and to be asexual. But it seems to me the wife is still uncertain as to the husbands feelings  - she is wondering if he is gay - and seeking some definitive sort of explanation from the husband which is understandable I think. Like has he actually said to her he doesn't want to have sex anymore, or is he more just avoiding sex by sleeping in another room etc... it seems that they do have sex occasionally ?? I think for both people in the relationship there needs to be clearer communication. Instead of just avoiding the discussion and being vague it would help if the husband could verbalise that he doesn't want to have sex ever again - or if he is willing to have sex occasionally etc... But yes as you point out the wife needs to approach the subject with care and not in a way that seems like she is judging him. Also in other aspects of a relationship there is room for compromise. Like if its important to the wife that he acknowledge her birthday, special occasions etc... then this is something he may be able to make more of an effort with that might help the wife feel loved  - if they can have a discussion about it.

[nanogretchen4]

Maybe there could be a productive conversation if the wife could convince the husband that she literally just wants the husband to tell her in his own words how he feels about sex and more specifically how he feels about having sex with her. And I mean she needs to convince him that she will just listen while he talks uninterrupted for as long as he wants and says whatever he wants to say as long as it is the truth as he understands it. And if he agrees she needs to refrain from crying, getting angry, shaking her head, walking away, or otherwise nonverbally judging or contradicting him or making it about her while he is talking. When he is done talking she should say, "I heard you saying (as faithful a summary as possible of what he just said). Is that correct?" Then if she misunderstood something he can clarify. Then, she should thank him for sharing his feelings with her and say that she is going to take (at least a week or maybe longer if she would like to talk to her therapist or do more research) to process this information before she brings it up again or suggests any course of action.

 

Honestly, though, enough pressure and judgment has already occurred that it may take time to restore the trust needed for such a vulnerable conversation at what may be a very scary stage in the husband's coming out journey. Also, the wife may need to talk to a therapist and process her own feelings about the probability that her husband just doesn't want to have sex with her before she is ready to listen to the truth and accept it. In the meantime, I really think it would be a good idea to take an extended time out from asking for or expecting sex and from expecting a definitive report on the husband's orientation or a longterm forecast of whether he will ever want sex again. Also, the husband might benefit from AVEN and other ace community resources during the time out period. Any discussion will only be more productive if the husband has had a chance to clarify his feelings and connect to a supportive community and the wife is prepared to accept what she is very likely going to hear.

[Pjays]

On 3/28/2022 at 11:45 PM, Lonelyalone said:

I love my husband of 12 years. He’s my best friend and he’s kind and a good husband to me and a good father to our 2 kids. When we were dating, he would kiss me. We had sex for the first time 6 months before our wedding and then didn’t have sex until our first wedding night. After that it was the same story which has been going on for 12 years now. We go months without sex, more than 18 months each time we had a kid.  Then finally I need to bed him for weeks until he finally gives in. We have a perfect marriage save this one private thing that has made me doubt myself and makes me feel rejected. I used to ask him if he’s gay or doesn’t find me attractive. But after all these years I finally found out about asexuals and he seems to fit the description to a T. He is unromantic to the extent that he will not wish me for birthdays, anniversary or valentines. But he will do the dishes or be nice to my parents when they visit. He also is hands on with our kids. But I feel so unloved, so worthless, rejected by the one person  who means everything to me. How do partners of asexuals survive this? I thought with time I would stop needing sex but it’s not just sex, he never wants to hold hands, cuddle or even sleep in the same room most of the days. Yet he promises me that he loves me. No he’s not having an affair. What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving him, but the thought of breaking up our family is heart breaking. I have everything except this one thing. How do I compromise without hurting him? I love him so much. Why doesn’t he reciprocate or compromise even just a little? What do I do? Will it ever get better?

Okay listen, I'm seeing a lot of takes and I'm this close to rolling my eyes so far back my head. 

 

You and your partner, should and HAVE to talk about this. Maybe not about asexuality but about the ways you see intimacy. 

 

COMMUNICATION IS KEY 

 

The way you've described it, you said it makes you feel undesirable and unwanted. That has nothing to do with sex itself and everything to do with intimacy. 

 

Being constantly accused of not loving your partner is damaging, and therapy is very likely not to work, therapist rarely understand asexuality and will try to focus on repairing his sexuality/libido/interest, and this will cause much more tension. 

Your husband needs to tell you how he feels about sex, and you need to figure out why that part of the relationship is so important to you and how can you both meet halfway. 

 

Tell him to set boundaries and you should too. What is and isn't on the table. And i mean TELL him. 

He shouldn't dismiss your need for communication, he might be feeling like the reason you bring this up is because you think less of him for it. 

 

Make it clear is not accusatory, you do t think he is trying to hurt you. 

 

This is paraphrasing but the use of words and what those imply is very important. 

 

You never want to have sex with me

Is accusatory

 

I'd like to understand why sex is not as important to you. 

 

Is inquisitive, curious and ultimately good faith. 

 

Yes it sound robotic and unnatural, but it leaves communication much more clear. 

 

Tell him he doesn't have to change who he is and what he wants, but that you need to understand where both of your desires and needs meet. 

 

I've been in a mixed relationship for 5 years now,and I've always made it clear that i am very VERY asexual. We meet half way, and we are thinking about opening the relationship since I've always been polyamorus, and it would let my partner explore parts of their sexuality i cannot provide. (Is not the only option and it might not work for you but relationships and happy relationships exists in many different ways). 

 

The problem here is not your husband probable asexuality since we don't know how he defines himself. But his unwillingness to communicate to you. 

Now, this might stem from a self doubt and fear of confronting his own feelings about being asexual, heteronormative society puts a lot of value on men having to "preform" and always want to.

So he might subconsciously feel a discomfort or disconnect.  If not consciously. 

 

You should discuss what parts of intimacy are important to you both, what intimacy looks to you both. Is it just sex? Or can it be discussing a book you both really like? 

 

He is still with you, so not only does he love you, he values your company, he finds you attractive in the sense of compatibility. Some times that's the closest we can get.

And you'll have to set an ultimatum.

"If we don't discuss this it will keep festering in the background and I don't want us to grow to resent each other". 

He might be defensive since it would seem like a problem only on your side, but if he doesn't let you know his boundaries then those boundaries might as well not exist and that becomes his problem. 

 

This is something you both need to discuss, none of you can read minds. 

You have to start by understanding. 

 

No judgement and no implicit need for core change. 

What do you both think of sex.

What do you both consider intimacy.

What do you both consider sexual contact.

What is completely off the table.

What makes you both feel loved and appreciated.

Does any aspect of sex make any of you uncomfortable. 

Indifferent? 

What are both your emotional needs and can they be fulfilled without sexual intimacy. 

 

 

That's my list of core essential questions. 

 

Best of luck and remember, comunícate without resentment, no one is trying to hurt anybody in this relationship. Don't judge each other's needs. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

On 3/29/2022 at 4:45 AM, Lonelyalone said:

I love my husband of 12 years. He’s my best friend and he’s kind and a good husband to me and a good father to our 2 kids. When we were dating, he would kiss me. We had sex for the first time 6 months before our wedding and then didn’t have sex until our first wedding night. After that it was the same story which has been going on for 12 years now. We go months without sex, more than 18 months each time we had a kid.  Then finally I need to bed him for weeks until he finally gives in. We have a perfect marriage save this one private thing that has made me doubt myself and makes me feel rejected. I used to ask him if he’s gay or doesn’t find me attractive. But after all these years I finally found out about asexuals and he seems to fit the description to a T. He is unromantic to the extent that he will not wish me for birthdays, anniversary or valentines. But he will do the dishes or be nice to my parents when they visit. He also is hands on with our kids. But I feel so unloved, so worthless, rejected by the one person  who means everything to me. How do partners of asexuals survive this? I thought with time I would stop needing sex but it’s not just sex, he never wants to hold hands, cuddle or even sleep in the same room most of the days. Yet he promises me that he loves me. No he’s not having an affair. What do I do? I’ve thought of leaving him, but the thought of breaking up our family is heart breaking. I have everything except this one thing. How do I compromise without hurting him? I love him so much. Why doesn’t he reciprocate or compromise even just a little? What do I do? Will it ever get better?

There are choices we can make but they all come at a price, because it's not what we would have chosen had we not come up against the brick wall.  This goes for both sexuals and non sexuals.

Some choices pan out well and indeed some are even grateful for their new found life, whereas for others the choice brings more trouble and they find themselves having to pull themselves out of a deeper hole.

For those of us who don't want to divorce because we know that our partner is our greatest love, the choice is stay and be celibate or find a lover as already said.

Some will argue that some middle ground can be found and that's great if your partner is not sex adverse and they actually enjoy doing it and you are happy with that.

However, if that's not the case, then you're back to the 2 choices above, both have plusses and minuses. It depends on what you both are willing to risk, bend to, accept etc.

There have been lots of good answers which have probably given rise to more questions. Just keep asking There's no right or wrong, just finding what best fits in with you.

In my case my husband's sex did not improve despite doing all he could. I now know it's because he's asexual and it tends to get worse rather than better. But I'm finding my own way and things are looking up.

[Guest]

On 3/29/2022 at 6:10 AM, dwest said:

I was with someone for 10.5 years, I am asexual she's not. We never had kids but the pattern of sex, at least, was similar. I do enjoy cuddling, kissing, holding hands, sleeping in the same bed and other things like that, and I would participate whenever she initiated but it just wasn't on my mind. Partially what's different is that I brought to her my asexuality before we started, we talked about it a few times, she cheated on me and blamed me for it, and I forgave/was forgiven. Again and again it would cycle, but she didn't share her feelings with me, or ask me questions, or try and figure things out. And at the end, she told me that we were getting a divorce because I wouldn't change. It wasn't that I wouldn't, it's that I couldn't.

 

If someone's asexual, they are asexual. It's like being heterosexual or homosexual, if you were with someone who was homosexual would you ask them to change to have sex with you? It likely wouldn't work out for either person. That said, from the description asexuality isn't necessarily the only piece there, possibly aromantic, possibly low libido, possibly a low libido that's from some kind of other behavior (mental health, medications, etc). So, there's no way for me to tell you that things will change, and if it's really asexuality asking someone to compromise their sexuality doesn't work. My questions would be:
Have you asked him?
Have you two gone to therapy to figure things out?
Does he show signs of other unhealthy behaviors that could be resolved to see if it's that?
Was he ever different?

 

To be fair, he should be working this out with you, even if you both come to some conclusion that isn't what you want or is good. To do that, you both really need to be working this out together, exploring options, selves, and getting support together. I can't, you can't, no one else can determine if he's asexual but we're here as a resource for experiences and there are professionals who can help with this and other things that may be related.

 

Best regards to you.

I've been meaning to write to you about your experience.
Firstly I'm sorry it ended bitterly and that love didn't conquer all.
In reading your post I've asked myself the following questions.
I wonder if your wife really understood asexuality.
Personally I find it a hard concept to grasp. Furthermore we have little to reference ourselves on it in the way of literature, films, philosophy, psychology, religion and life examples. ( If you dig there's some, but it's scant). Also I wonder how much you understand about sexuality. Of course you see it around you, but perhaps you have your own thoughts which I'd be happy to listen to.
You say I couldn't change, but nor could she albeit she did say she was okay with your asexuality.
It would be impossible for me to see fault in either of you. Suffice it to say your good intentions were not enough which makes me sad.