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Am I Asexual? (Explicit Descriptions of Things Included, Though Maybe Not as Explicit as I Think)


GawainNotWayne

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GawainNotWayne

I've only relatively recently heard of asexuality and have only just started researching it.  However, I'm still not absolutely one-hundred percent sure whether I am indeed asexual.  Here is a list of all the factors involved in this matter.

 

  • Never fantasised about making love or having sex.  My fantasies involve me being naked in front of women who have all their clothes on.  I've either performed a striptease and the ladies are laughing with me (note - not lusting over me, just laughing and have fun along with me) and sometimes the ladies have physically taken my clothes or have coerced me into stripping and are being quite cruel.  However, these scenarios never involve actual sex, and they always involve me managing to keep my private parts covered while still being obviously and physically naked either using my hands or an object like a cushion.  In the voluntary striptease scenario, I keep it covered for comic effect, and in the other scenario, I keep part of my dignity only with a struggle and only very occasionally do I imagine that struggle being unsuccessful.  Yes, I have 'alone time' with these thoughts
     
  • I do get excited down there when kissing (not that I've done any recently) but it's not essential if it doesn't happen.  The one time I came close to being very intimate in bed with a lady, we were interrupted and nothing happened - but I didn't care.  I also get excited when dancing with a lady I like and sometimes when texting
     
  • My big nights out were satisfactory when drinking and dancing with friends of both sexes.  The aim was never to 'pull', whereas others seemed desperate to do so
     
  • I'm forty-seven, and didn't really start socialising until aged twenty-seven, and went on a few dates in my thirties none of which were with suitable ladies.  I now found myself wondering whether I just didn't come over as sexual enough, and whether I was just dating because everyone else was.  I find myself thinking, has 'just friends' always been enough for me?  When I've used dating sites, I've never looked for someone to indulge the above, it's always been about having an equal partner, someone nice to be nice too.  I've never seen a problem with separate beds
     
  • The term 'just friends' annoys me.  The word 'just' to my mind lessens the importance of friendship
     
  • I've been with men who ogle women saying they like the view, and as well as finding it disrespectful, I also see what they mean but I've just never understood why they get so excited.  I do notice women's attributes and have to stop myself from staring but I don't feel an overwhelming urge to attempt to bed them
     
  • One day at work, I was doing Physiotherapy exercises for a condition in my wrist.  It was unwise in that crowded office while I was walking past that girl who was facing the filing cabinet.  When I was summoned before the big bosses because of a nasty allegation, I learned also that this person had accused me of ogling her.  I did notice her inappropriate clothing but just thought she shouldn't be wearing it at work.  Everyone laughed at the fact that someone like me could be accused of something like that and no-one was surprised when it turned out she was just making the accusation to try and get a transfer to somewhere nearer home
     
  • When I was in my twenties and anxious that I hadn't started socialising in nightclubs, my mother said that I wouldn't enjoy it because I wouldn't appreciate it if some strange girl decided to latch on to me and that I wouldn't be impressed if my friends disappearing with women.  She was partially right
     
  • Some people think I'm gay.  One person thought I was gay because I wouldn't see a prostitute.  That's his ignorance, but people have noticed my apparent lack of interest in women, though I did have a private dance at a stripclub which my body enjoyed but my mind thought was sleazy.

 

No doubt I'll think of more things when I post this, but does the above person sound asexual to you?


 

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Monke Jimmy

I think that most of these things don't seem abnormal for the average person, but you've said nothing about feeling the desire to have sex with anybody, so sure. You might be asexual. Nobody knows you better than you, though.

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I think I can take each of the examples and sort of breakdown whether or not these are sexuality, libido, aesthetic appreciation or possibly something else. At least, within the scope of the details provided.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

Never fantasised about making love or having sex.

This comment seems more related to libido, or a particular kink that was described in the information later.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

I do get excited down there when kissing

This is also related to libido.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

My big nights out were satisfactory when drinking and dancing with friends of both sexes.  The aim was never to 'pull', whereas others seemed desperate to do so

I don't know what 'pull' means, but I suspect it has something to do with ending in a sexual act? Either way, this is just fun, people of all sexes can enjoy dancing with any gender/sex regardless of their sexuality.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

The term 'just friends' annoys me.

Friendship, not sexuality.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

I do notice women's attributes and have to stop myself from staring but I don't feel an overwhelming urge to attempt to bed them

Most allosexuals are not overwhelmed with sexual desire to the point of attempting to bed someone. Sexual attraction has to do with noticing someone is attractive in a way that it sexually arouses you (but not overwhelmed, necessarily, not immediate jump on them, but that you are aroused to some degree by looking at them). This is separate from aesthetic appreciation where someone can understand that a person meets the social standards of attractiveness, but it doesn't arouse any sexual feelings. The most common comparison I can make is that many heterosexual women can look at another woman and appreciate how pretty/beautiful/put-together they are. It doesn't mean they are bisexual, homosexual or at all aroused by looking at that woman, but they can appreciate that she's pretty. People do this with siblings, children, even, when they 'dress up', etc. My apologies if this explanation comes off clinical, I experience neither sexual attraction or aesthetic appreciation.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

One day at work, I was doing Physiotherapy exercises for a condition in my wrist.  It was unwise in that crowded office while I was walking past that girl who was facing the filing cabinet.  When I was summoned before the big bosses because of a nasty allegation, I learned also that this person had accused me of ogling her.  I did notice her inappropriate clothing but just thought she shouldn't be wearing it at work.  Everyone laughed at the fact that someone like me could be accused of something like that and no-one was surprised when it turned out she was just making the accusation to try and get a transfer to somewhere nearer home

I don't think this one relates to sexuality or aesthetic appreciation. I would think this is more a modesty/cultural commentary.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

When I was in my twenties and anxious that I hadn't started socialising in nightclubs,

Same as above. Some people do not like night clubs, some people do, regardless of sexuality.

1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

Some people think I'm gay.  One person thought I was gay because I wouldn't see a prostitute.  That's his ignorance, but people have noticed my apparent lack of interest in women, though I did have a private dance at a stripclub which my body enjoyed but my mind thought was sleazy.

This seems more like the above than sexuality again. To be fair, my parents went through a time where they thought me 

 

Overall, the person that was described could be asexual certainly (snippets of external lives are hard to confidently talk about internal lives), but my first leanings from experience with allos would be a person who is not attracted to what they would call immodesty and may have a social group that has interests/hobbies they don't share. There are some questions you could think about:
Are there any men or women that you have been attracted to?

Did that attraction also create sexual arousal, even if minorly?

What was it about the person you were attracted to?


This kind of thinking can aid in deciphering more than just the label 'asexual', but other things as well. Under the asexual umbrella includes varying degrees and contextual sexual attractions such as demisexual. Sexuality is about attraction, and sometimes people will confuse low libido for attraction as well. For instance, someone may have been attracted to women their entire life, then get on medications or go through a bout of depression that dramatically lowers their libido, and then they don't feel like they want to complete the 'effort' of 'going after' someone but are still, attracted to them. In other situations, you have asexuals who have high wired libidos, but there's no attraction guidance at all. And varying degrees of both (this is an oversimplification to describe the wide scope not the only options).

I am happy to answer additional questions if you have any that you feel would be useful if directed at me.

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GawainNotWayne
1 hour ago, dwest said:

I think I can take each of the examples and sort of breakdown whether or not these are sexuality, libido, aesthetic appreciation or possibly something else. At least, within the scope of the details provided.

This comment seems more related to libido, or a particular kink that was described in the information later.

This is also related to libido.

I don't know what 'pull' means, but I suspect it has something to do with ending in a sexual act? Either way, this is just fun, people of all sexes can enjoy dancing with any gender/sex regardless of their sexuality.

Friendship, not sexuality.

Most allosexuals are not overwhelmed with sexual desire to the point of attempting to bed someone. Sexual attraction has to do with noticing someone is attractive in a way that it sexually arouses you (but not overwhelmed, necessarily, not immediate jump on them, but that you are aroused to some degree by looking at them). This is separate from aesthetic appreciation where someone can understand that a person meets the social standards of attractiveness, but it doesn't arouse any sexual feelings. The most common comparison I can make is that many heterosexual women can look at another woman and appreciate how pretty/beautiful/put-together they are. It doesn't mean they are bisexual, homosexual or at all aroused by looking at that woman, but they can appreciate that she's pretty. People do this with siblings, children, even, when they 'dress up', etc. My apologies if this explanation comes off clinical, I experience neither sexual attraction or aesthetic appreciation.

I don't think this one relates to sexuality or aesthetic appreciation. I would think this is more a modesty/cultural commentary.

Same as above. Some people do not like night clubs, some people do, regardless of sexuality.

This seems more like the above than sexuality again. To be fair, my parents went through a time where they thought me 

 

Overall, the person that was described could be asexual certainly (snippets of external lives are hard to confidently talk about internal lives), but my first leanings from experience with allos would be a person who is not attracted to what they would call immodesty and may have a social group that has interests/hobbies they don't share. There are some questions you could think about:
Are there any men or women that you have been attracted to?

Did that attraction also create sexual arousal, even if minorly?

What was it about the person you were attracted to?


This kind of thinking can aid in deciphering more than just the label 'asexual', but other things as well. Under the asexual umbrella includes varying degrees and contextual sexual attractions such as demisexual. Sexuality is about attraction, and sometimes people will confuse low libido for attraction as well. For instance, someone may have been attracted to women their entire life, then get on medications or go through a bout of depression that dramatically lowers their libido, and then they don't feel like they want to complete the 'effort' of 'going after' someone but are still, attracted to them. In other situations, you have asexuals who have high wired libidos, but there's no attraction guidance at all. And varying degrees of both (this is an oversimplification to describe the wide scope not the only options).

I am happy to answer additional questions if you have any that you feel would be useful if directed at me.

Wow.  Thank you very much for your time.  You've certainly helped me along in my quest to figure myself out before contemplating joining an asexual dating site.   I shall re-read all this another time, but for now, to answer your question, to my mind to 'pull' means to find someone to have sex with, generally on a night out.

 

I have another comment.  Female friends used to laugh whenever a woman was dancing near me trying to attract me as I never noticed the signals.  Male friends used to frustratedly point out when a female was attracted to me, as I simply could not or would not recognise flirting.

 

Thank you once more.

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1 hour ago, GawainNotWayne said:

Wow.  Thank you very much for your time.  You've certainly helped me along in my quest to figure myself out before contemplating joining an asexual dating site.   I shall re-read all this another time, but for now, to answer your question, to my mind to 'pull' means to find someone to have sex with, generally on a night out.

 

I have another comment.  Female friends used to laugh whenever a woman was dancing near me trying to attract me as I never noticed the signals.  Male friends used to frustratedly point out when a female was attracted to me, as I simply could not or would not recognise flirting.

 

Thank you once more.

You are most welcome. I'm happy, at least, that you found it worthwhile to read through.

There can be all sorts of reasons not to pick up on signals. I don't pick up on signals from flirting/sex attraction not because I'm ace but because of my neurodivergence. I know many experience that for ND reasons. What I found fascinating was I was more able to pick up on them when I was in India, for instance, just the different culture seemed to make 'more sense' at which point my asexuality did become the limitations.


Self-discovery can be uncomfortable, but I think of it as the greatest thing to spend your time on. So, good on you for asking the questions and being curious enough about yourself to find your way here.

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18 hours ago, GawainNotWayne said:
  • Never fantasised about making love or having sex.  My fantasies involve me being naked in front of women who have all their clothes on.  I've either performed a striptease and the ladies are laughing with me (note - not lusting over me, just laughing and have fun along with me) and sometimes the ladies have physically taken my clothes or have coerced me into stripping and are being quite cruel.  However, these scenarios never involve actual sex, and they always involve me managing to keep my private parts covered while still being obviously and physically naked either using my hands or an object like a cushion.  In the voluntary striptease scenario, I keep it covered for comic effect, and in the other scenario, I keep part of my dignity only with a struggle and only very occasionally do I imagine that struggle being unsuccessful.  Yes, I have 'alone time' with these thoughts
  •  
  • The term 'just friends' annoys me.  The word 'just' to my mind lessens the importance of friendship
  •  
  • I've been with men who ogle women saying they like the view, and as well as finding it disrespectful, I also see what they mean but I've just never understood why they get so excited.  I do notice women's attributes and have to stop myself from staring but I don't feel an overwhelming urge to attempt to bed them
  • Some people think I'm gay.  One person thought I was gay because I wouldn't see a prostitute.  That's his ignorance, but people have noticed my apparent lack of interest in women, though I did have a private dance at a stripclub which my body enjoyed but my mind thought was sleazy.

 

No doubt I'll think of more things when I post this, but does the above person sound asexual to you?


 

OK, just a couple thoughts to add to your pondering. 

 

First, to me it sounds very much like you are somewhere on the ace spectrum.

 

These fantasies, and your relationship to them, might indicate aegosexuality, especially since they apparently help you masturbate. As an aego myself I recognize elements of some of my own fantasies, notably the distinct lack of an included 'happy ending' even in the pleasant version, and the coercion elements in the other.

Combined with the aesthetic attraction noted by dwest - which I also share (it seriously confused my search early on until I realized it's just that I enjoy beauty with no sexual attraction involved), aego might be worth investigating. 

 

Basically if you have no problem with other people having and enjoying sex, and you can enjoy sex related fantasies but have no interest in engaging in it yourself, you might fit this label. It's possible to be aego and still enjoy being close to people, and I agree with your assessment of the phrase "just friends",   to appreciate "the view" of either gender in an aesthetic rather than sexual way,  to have fantasies, kinky or otherwise, with no 'happy ending' either required or desired. 

 

Just another perspective from a 67 year old who only discovered her label a couple years ago. Best of luck fine tuning your search! 

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GawainNotWayne
8 hours ago, slywlf said:

OK, just a couple thoughts to add to your pondering. 

 

First, to me it sounds very much like you are somewhere on the ace spectrum.

 

These fantasies, and your relationship to them, might indicate aegosexuality, especially since they apparently help you masturbate. As an aego myself I recognize elements of some of my own fantasies, notably the distinct lack of an included 'happy ending' even in the pleasant version, and the coercion elements in the other.

Combined with the aesthetic attraction noted by dwest - which I also share (it seriously confused my search early on until I realized it's just that I enjoy beauty with no sexual attraction involved), aego might be worth investigating. 

 

Basically if you have no problem with other people having and enjoying sex, and you can enjoy sex related fantasies but have no interest in engaging in it yourself, you might fit this label. It's possible to be aego and still enjoy being close to people, and I agree with your assessment of the phrase "just friends",   to appreciate "the view" of either gender in an aesthetic rather than sexual way,  to have fantasies, kinky or otherwise, with no 'happy ending' either required or desired. 

 

Just another perspective from a 67 year old who only discovered her label a couple years ago. Best of luck fine tuning your search! 

It really is all starting to make sense.

 

Trouble is, on Ace-Book, there aren't really any matches for me.  Patience is the key, I suppose.

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GawainNotWayne
On 3/24/2022 at 9:42 PM, Monke Ilahi said:

I think that most of these things don't seem abnormal for the average person, but you've said nothing about feeling the desire to have sex with anybody, so sure. You might be asexual. Nobody knows you better than you, though.

Thank you.  I know nobody knows better than me, but your short-but-sweet answer and other longer answers are helping me more than you probably imagine.

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Richie Fashion Cat

I am a couple of years younger than you at 45 but I really identify with a lot you been saying if it helps you identify.  2 add my 2 cents - A issue I think us more senior ACE's have with identifying is often believing in your own bravado.  The options to even say you were asexual were just not a thing when we were growing up and I feel guilty about basically bulshXXing to people, playing along with innuendo and even being quite rude about criticising other peoples sexuality! Social conditioning aside, lack of education as a reason kind of doesn't matter to me - living a lie to protect yourself is still living a lie.  I am going to have to forgive myself before I'm really comfortable talking with  some old friends about being ACE.  Anyway i digress welcome to you and all older aces :)

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GawainNotWayne
On 3/28/2022 at 1:04 AM, Richie Fashion Cat said:

I am a couple of years younger than you at 45 but I really identify with a lot you been saying if it helps you identify.  2 add my 2 cents - A issue I think us more senior ACE's have with identifying is often believing in your own bravado.  The options to even say you were asexual were just not a thing when we were growing up and I feel guilty about basically bulshXXing to people, playing along with innuendo and even being quite rude about criticising other peoples sexuality! Social conditioning aside, lack of education as a reason kind of doesn't matter to me - living a lie to protect yourself is still living a lie.  I am going to have to forgive myself before I'm really comfortable talking with  some old friends about being ACE.  Anyway i digress welcome to you and all older aces :)

Thank you, didn't see this until now.

I recently rang a LBGTQ+ helpline just so I could say out loud that I was asexual.  The chap I spoke to didn't know what the asexual flag was, so I think more education is required on these helplines, or at least to the person I spoke to on that helpline.  But saying it out loud did give me the confidence to send someone a Whatsapp message just explaining about my asexuality.  She responded very well, and I'm just choosing carefully who else to tell.

With a lot of my friends, I don't think I've got the option to say I'm asexual even now without getting lots of questions fired at me.  If I was gay, I could say so and use impolite words to those who didn't like it - but this isn't so with asexuality.

 

I use innuendo with certain friends, and I don't mind doing so.  I don't listen to Elvis much, but I can still tell the joke about the Elvis Tribute ticket-booking hotline - "press one for the money, two for the show," etc..  I don't like Australian indigenous music but I can still say, "My friend failed his exam in Australian indigenous music, so I asked him, 'didgerido (did you redo) it?'"  Therefore, I can make jokes about sex,

 

There's just still so much ignorance out there around sexuality.  Before I discovered asexuality, I had a Plentyoffish profile, and made the mistake of asking for profile reviews.  "You say you like Queen and musical comedies, therefore you must be gay."  Hmmmm.  So liking a good tune and a laugh defines my sexuality, and all those kissing boy-girl couples at a Queen concert I went to were cheating on their same-sex partners?  Even on Youtube, someone once wrote a comment on the video of Queen's 'Fat Bottomed Girls' saying that Freddie shouldn't have sang about girls when he was gay.  I had to point out that the Beatles didn't really all live in a Yellow Submarine, that none of them were a walrus and that they wouldn't have liked to have been under the sea in an octopus's garden in the shade because they'd have drowned.  At least that comment got hundreds of Likes, but how are you supposed to get over your fear of being alone in your old age with people like that around? 

 

To digress, dating sites in general are a minefield.  On that same profile where someone decided my sexuality based on the fact that I love one of the most popular bands of all time, I had the audacity to write the word 'fun', prompting a lady to say that I'd "get my chance" if things went well.  I was referring to things like the beach and the fairground when I used the word 'fun' - and it didn't go down too well when I pointed out the absurdity of her assuming I was a pervert when she was the one who thought immediately of sex upon seeing the word 'fun'. 

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On 5/10/2022 at 8:23 AM, GawainNotWayne said:

I recently rang a LBGTQ+ helpline just so I could say out loud that I was asexual.  The chap I spoke to didn't know what the asexual flag was, so I think more education is required on these helplines, or at least to the person I spoke to on that helpline. 

I'm facing something like this myself. I have been trying to make contact with the local group but it is unbelievably difficult. 

I can understand not wanting hate but you can't be much of an advocate group if no one can make contact. 

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Richie Fashion Cat

Recently i have been more "agressivly" ACE - loud about it and also "what you mean you don;t know about it its 2022 get with the times" kinda attitude.  

And I am loving it - As far as I am concerned its up to the Allo People to read up on it and get it - its not my job to explain every thing,.  

 

I simply say Im Asexual, Im not a mainstream Person and I don't "vibe with sexual attraction"  (thanks Ace Dad for that Meme)

 

Apart from that Nice Hat loud shirt and  Flamboyant, Sex positive to everyone and also Funny (well i think so\) impeccable manners - A class act all, the way

 

As it always was to be frank I am just being myself really but Assertive about Being Ace and Making sure the people around me know well im Special innit :)

 - I figure if Aces are 1-2 % of Population then that makes us pretty Niche and I do like being Niche. Oh Yeah and Confidence I can fake it :)

 

But Thats me - better you be Ace in your own way :)   

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