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What does Sexual Attraction feel like?


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I am so fucking confused, Like every damn thing I find says it’s like looking at someone and saying tow yourself I want to have sex with them but is it more intracit then that, Before finding out I was ace I would look at someone that I find aesthetically attractive and said to myself I would have sex I didn’t really mean it and I would just say it because I thought that’s how teenagers are supposed to act etc. Or did I really mean it because I experience arousal linked to aesthetic attraction idk, Like do you actually want or have an urge to touch them or do sexual things with them or do you just look at someone and say you want sex with them no matter what there body looks like, I am so fucking confused?

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To be completely honest I'm not 100% sure but the best way I've had it described to me by friends is that it's a super "in the moment" type of thing most of the time. Like of course you can experience sexual attraction over a long period, but I guess the feelings that usually end up actually leading to sex are generally something that is sort of intense and a spur of the moment type of thing and you get more aroused the longer you're with them and the closer you are to them and the urge to touch them and be closer increases. I guess too like apparently when people are sexually attracted to one another their disgust response is lowered significantly so I guess that's they are able to do a lot of stuff during sex without feeling grossed out. I don't know if thats the case for everyone, but that's just what I've been told.

 

Or like I've also heard people say that it's like you can picture yourself having sex with the person and you genuinely would act on those feelings in real life and enjoy the process of having sex with them. Although I feel like this phrasing is sorta vague and unclear because I know of many asexual people who have sex and enjoy it so idk.

 

Idk take my word with a grain of salt though considering that I don't think i've experienced sexual attraction, at least not intensely.

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Well I've never truly wanted to have sex with someone on the basis of appearance alone. Finding someone attractive certainly doesn't automatically mean things like I instantly picture them naked and become sexually aroused.

 

For me, there's mild passing acknowledgment of someone's attractiveness that I'm aware is based in my sexuality, but I don't think about sex with them and it's kind of like walking past a coffee shop or a bakery and thinking 'That smells good' and then... moving on with your day.
 

Mostly I experience it this way: I start to get to know someone and I feel a kind of 'spark' between us. The thing people often call 'chemistry'. I like something about them that really connects to things that are important to me... maybe we've had some great conversations about shared favourite music, perhaps they make me laugh regularly and I realise we have a similar sense of humour, that sort of thing. Unless there's something truly off-putting about their appearance, I start to find myself liking how they look as well. The way they smile, how they look at me, something about their physical mannerisms, whatever. I'll admit I'm not really someone who does a lot of checking out people's bodies... boobs, bum, whatever. Some sexual people are more visual that way than I am; generally it's someone's face and their overall demeanour that appeals to me. Anyway, if we continue to get on and connect, I'll feel a desire to be close to them, to want to touch each other, and that includes wanting to share sexual intimacy. Like... 'I'm really into you so I want to be as close to you as possible'.

 

The latter experience doesn't have a whole lot in common with the former for me, really. A random hot/gorgeous/handsome/sexy person is eye candy. A desire to really be intimate involves being attracted to multiple aspects of who a person is, and if I'm actually wanting to have sex, the main reasons aren't because they're super duper hot (I mean, they might be, but that still wouldn't be the reason for wanting sex).

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When people say "sexual attraction," I agree with Ceebs in that I really don't think it translates to immediately picturing them naked or being aroused.

 

For most people, it seems to be that desire, feeling the spark with someone, usually after developing some kind of relationship, and wanting more, closeness, whatever.

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46 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Well I've never truly wanted to have sex with someone on the basis of appearance alone. Finding someone attractive certainly doesn't automatically mean things like I instantly picture them naked and become sexually aroused.

 

For me, there's mild passing acknowledgment of someone's attractiveness that I'm aware is based in my sexuality, but I don't think about sex with them and it's kind of like walking past a coffee shop or a bakery and thinking 'That smells good' and then... moving on with your day.
 

Mostly I experience it this way: I start to get to know someone and I feel a kind of 'spark' between us. The thing people often call 'chemistry'. I like something about them that really connects to things that are important to me... maybe we've had some great conversations about shared favourite music, perhaps they make me laugh regularly and I realise we have a similar sense of humour, that sort of thing. Unless there's something truly off-putting about their appearance, I start to find myself liking how they look as well. The way they smile, how they look at me, something about their physical mannerisms, whatever. I'll admit I'm not really someone who does a lot of checking out people's bodies... boobs, bum, whatever. Some sexual people are more visual that way than I am; generally it's someone's face and their overall demeanour that appeals to me. Anyway, if we continue to get on and connect, I'll feel a desire to be close to them, to want to touch each other, and that includes wanting to share sexual intimacy. Like... 'I'm really into you so I want to be as close to you as possible'.

 

The latter experience doesn't have a whole lot in common with the former for me, really. A random hot/gorgeous/handsome/sexy person is eye candy. A desire to really be intimate involves being attracted to multiple aspects of who a person is, and if I'm actually wanting to have sex, the main reasons aren't because they're super duper hot (I mean, they might be, but that still wouldn't be the reason for wanting sex).

I’m kinda more confused because from I’ve heard from other people and kinda how society portrays sexual attraction in general it seems like it is mostly like it’s an immediate thing. Idk

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5 minutes ago, Bozi said:

I’m kinda more confused because from I’ve heard from other people and kinda how society portrays sexual attraction in general it seems like it is mostly like it’s an immediate thing. Idk

Well I did say there can be an instant acknowledgment of someone being physically attractive. Sure, I've seen people and had that thought. I don't become sexually aroused from it though and I don't picture explicit sex acts or what they look like without clothes. It's just 'Yep, there's a really good-looking person' in a way I'm aware is connected to my sexuality (could be a man or a woman since I'm bisexual) and I'll look at them more than I'd look at someone I wasn't drawn to.

 

So if that's what you mean by immediate, ok. If these other people you speak of are truly ready to rip their clothes off and get naked with a hot stranger, then no, my sexuality does not include that.

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There is also a large difference between attraction, desire, and arousal - even among sexuals.

 

Also, the basis of these things in media is not real.

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27 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Well I did say there can be an instant acknowledgment of someone being physically attractive. Sure, I've seen people and had that thought. I don't become sexually aroused from it though and I don't picture explicit sex acts or what they look like without clothes. It's just 'Yep, there's a really good-looking person' in a way I'm aware is connected to my sexuality (could be a man or a woman since I'm bisexual) and I'll look at them more than I'd look at someone I wasn't drawn to.

 

So if that's what you mean by immediate, ok. If these other people you speak of are truly ready to rip their clothes off and get naked with a hot stranger, then no, my sexuality does not include that.

So does that mean that aesthetic attraction to someone physically is not really aesthetic attraction? Like, If it leads to arousal?

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40 minutes ago, Bozi said:

So does that mean that aesthetic attraction to someone physically is not really aesthetic attraction? Like, If it leads to arousal?

Uhhhhh... well if it leads to arousal there's clearly a sexual element to it. I mean, even if it doesn't lead to arousal, I'm quite aware of when my draw to someone's appearance is still part of my sexuality. I just need more than that to actually get turned on.

 

And once again, this is why I don't like how AVEN defines sexual attraction much of the time. If you desire sex with other people, you're sexual. If you never do, you're asexual. End of.

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13 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Uhhhhh... well if it leads to arousal there's clearly a sexual element to it. I mean, even if it doesn't lead to arousal, I'm quite aware of when my draw to someone's appearance is still part of my sexuality. I just need more than that to actually get turned on.

 

And once again, this is why I don't like how AVEN defines sexual attraction much of the time. If you desire sex with other people, you're sexual. If you never do, you're asexual. End of.

I don’t really look at bodies as sexual, Kinda more like artwork, I also don’t like completely nude bodies either or boobs or butts or anything like that, I like to look more at faces, hair, fashion and presentation, it has to be certain body type anyway and I don’t really have a control over what I get aroused by and what I don’t, Attraction is very weird and complicated thing that is different for everyone. The fact that I don’t understand sexual attraction probably tells how ace I am. Anyways sorry for bothering you I have really bad OCD.    

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@Bozi You're not bothering me, I'm quite happy to answer questions.

 

But yeah, if you don't want to have sex with anyone... you're likely asexual. From my understanding reading people's posts on AVEN, and from my relationship experience with my ex, asexuals can still get aroused. Asexuality is about whether you have a desire for partnered sexual activity.

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1 hour ago, Calliers said:

1p7bq7.jpg

Yeah that works too hahaha.

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J. van Deijck
5 hours ago, Bozi said:

I experience arousal linked to aesthetic attraction

Me too, but that doesn't mean much. When it comes to actual sex, I do my best to avoid it because it's boring like hell, and I'm okay with everything as long as certain body parts are not involved.

So yeah, I'm yet another one who would like to know how sexual attraction really feels like :D because it's somewhat hard to comprehend for me.

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13 hours ago, alsjeblieft said:

Me too, but that doesn't mean much. When it comes to actual sex, I do my best to avoid it because it's boring like hell, and I'm okay with everything as long as certain body parts are not involved.

So yeah, I'm yet another one who would like to know how sexual attraction really feels like :D because it's somewhat hard to comprehend for me.

Nice to see another one:)

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For me sexual attraction is a very broad thing, and depends on the person and the situation.

 

I may see someone I think of as sexually attractive - but I don't *really* want to have sex with them, even though it might be fun to think about.  OTOH, in the right situation, (including not being in a relationship), I could imagine it - but it would take a very unusual set of circumstances.

 

More often I'm attracted to people I know, and that isn't very much driven by appearance.  There is sort of  a threshold, I do find some people unattractive, but above that threshold, appearance doesn't matter nearly as much to me as other things.

 

Sexual attraction can also take different forms.  Its rarely "lets find a private space and F right now", and more "I'd love to spend a day hanging out with this person and have the day end in passionate sex".  

 

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3 hours ago, uhtred said:

Sexual attraction can also take different forms.  Its rarely "lets find a private space and F right now", and more "I'd love to spend a day hanging out with this person and have the day end in passionate sex".  

 

Ok, That makes a lot of sense of what Ceebs was trying to say, I guess it also has a lot to do with the person of which type they feel more, like it seems like most allos I know are like “I want to touch this person right now!” Or “I want to see naked and to fuck me so bad!”  Either way I don’t think I have felt that towards anyone or at all in general, Thank you:)

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queerandtired

So I want to preface that I am a very sexual and very romantic person who before my marriage was very okay with casual affairs and had major issues with commitment (I have never cheated, but the idea at the time of locking myself into a single relationship was so scary). So this may be a unique take and might possibly be widely unrelatable, but I will try my best to articulate it to the best of my ability.

 

For me, the feeling of sex stems from the feeling of wanting to connect and feel close to someone. I think everyone can relate to meeting someone that on some degree you vibe with really extremely well, and instantly knowing you have met someone who you understand and who understands you. I feel like on some level, sex is very similar to that. It is the quick and sudden awareness and need for connection but on a more extreme level than the need for friendship, or even wanting to hold hands with someone if thats something you relate to. For me, it is the need to experience a way to obtain the closest closeness physically possible. But the stemming of this feeling doesn't always come from physically finding that person attractive; it can be sparked by the cadence of which someone talks, their intelligence and how they navigate words, it can come from their unique expression of personality, how they treat you (with respect, love, admiration, kindness), etc. When I feel just that overwhelming sense of connection or of feeling seen? My brain will suddenly crave more instantly and if those factors all align right, my body will react to that craving for closeness and cross that boundry from craving mental closeness to physical closeness. When your body reacts, even if your mind has dismissed the notion of sex for the time being, you actually physically will feel an ache because the need for closeness now has translated into a physical reaction. Biologically, it is due to the receptors in your brain telling you loudly that "you need this" almost as if it were a flight or fight response, or like the desperate need for air when you hold your breath. It is a strange feeling and often before puberty we dont feel this way at all, so it's really alarming and jarring regardless of if you've felt this way many times, or very few times. 

 

I hope this makes sense, and is written in a way that is inoffensive and more relatable than how people typically talk about this. It must be frusterating, and I empathize :c

I hope this helps in some way?

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J. van Deijck

This thread is actually interesting to read. Still it's hard for me to get it because it's not what I experience whatsoever, but it gives yet another perspective to things I will probably never know from my own experience.

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Still a little confused? I thought sexual attraction was a strong desire or urge to touch someone sexual, From what you guys are describing it sounds kinda like Romantic Attraction with a little bit of a Sexual Element, I am so sorry for being annoying I just don’t understand what you guys are explaining because it seems like all my friends and people at school make seem like it is a strong desire or urge to touch someone sexual?

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Lost my voice on this forum as my views aren’t in keeping with what they are ordered to be. 
 

Sexual attraction is the desire to have sexual contact with another person be that male or female, same or different sex to you.

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Sexual attraction can manifest in different forms, and it doesn't always have to be an extremely strong desire or urge. For me personally it tends to be a very subtle 'pull' towards the other person. 

 

I find it hard, if not impossible, to distinguish if something is sexual, romantic, sensual or aesthetic attraction because they are usually intertwined in some way for me. I don't necessarily have to have romantic feelings for someone to feel sexually attracted to them, but I need some type of connection and spark with them to get there. I'm not a very visually-driven person either, although I have found everyone I've felt sexually attracted to also aesthetically attractive in some way. So I would say aesthetic attraction always plays a part in it, though not the most prominent one. But yeah, it's never been a case of "yeah that person is hot and I want them here and now" for me. 

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22 minutes ago, James121 said:

Sexual attraction is the desire to have sexual contact with another person be that male or female, same or different sex to you.

I feel like this isn't really the whole picture. I'm not saying it's entirely inaccurate either, but experiencing attraction to someone doesn't automatically mean you'd for sure have sex with them.

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3 hours ago, Bozi said:

Still a little confused? I thought sexual attraction was a strong desire or urge to touch someone sexual, From what you guys are describing it sounds kinda like Romantic Attraction with a little bit of a Sexual Element, I am so sorry for being annoying I just don’t understand what you guys are explaining because it seems like all my friends and people at school make seem like it is a strong desire or urge to touch someone sexual?

It can mean different things to different people, and at different times, different things to the same person. To add to the confusion, a lot of people are not aware of what it means to themselves.  Its not uncommon for someone to think they want casual sex, and then discover that they actually fell in love with what was supposed to be a casual partner.

I feel that if I were not in a relationship, I could have a wonderful evening having sex with an attractive stranger and each go our own ways.  I really feel that BUT.... I also know its not true.  I would become emotionally attached.   (and I know of several cases of this happening to friends).

 

 

For me  (and no claim this is generally true), the way it works is that love, romance and sex are all tangled together in my mind - I can't enjoy just one or two of them.  I might feel attraction of one,  but it would quickly turn in to feelings of all

 

 

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3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

I feel like this isn't really the whole picture. I'm not saying it's entirely inaccurate either, but experiencing attraction to someone doesn't automatically mean you'd for sure have sex with them.

No I agree. But there’s attraction and then there’s sexual attraction though. If it’s the latter I’d say it’s almost certainly going to involve a desire to have sex.

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5 minutes ago, James121 said:

No I agree. But there’s attraction and then there’s sexual attraction though. If it’s the latter I’d say it’s almost certainly going to involve a desire to have sex.

Honestly I meant 'sexual attraction'.

 

Let's take the stereotypical crush on a hot celebrity scenario, based purely on looks. Let's say you have a crush on a celebrity who has a reputation for being kind of a twat. Their personality is quite off-putting to you. Or let's say you're someone who wants sex only in the context of a loving, committed relationship and you feel horrified by the idea of casual sex. If you changed a whole bunch of things about that scenario... if the celeb had an appealing personality, if you knew them and had an emotional connection with them in the context of a relationship, whatever, then you'd have sex with them. But those things aren't true. Except... they're still physically attractive to you. You know your attraction is connected to your sexuality, because it's not like, say, a straight woman thinking another woman is beautiful but having no desire to have sex with her. Maybe if you're the type of person who experiences physical arousal from looking at someone, you actually get turned on by them. Supposing you're a sexual person who does want sex with people (and not an asexual who never does regardless of how physically attractive someone might be to them) are you not still experiencing sexual attraction?

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2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Honestly I meant 'sexual attraction'.

 

Let's take the stereotypical crush on a hot celebrity scenario, based purely on looks. Let's say you have a crush on a celebrity who has a reputation for being kind of a twat. Their personality is quite off-putting to you. Or let's say you're someone who wants sex only in the context of a loving, committed relationship and you feel horrified by the idea of casual sex. If you changed a whole bunch of things about that scenario... if the celeb had an appealing personality, if you knew them and had an emotional connection with them in the context of a relationship, whatever, then you'd have sex with them. But those things aren't true. Except... they're still physically attractive to you. You know your attraction is connected to your sexuality, because it's not like, say, a straight woman thinking another woman is beautiful but having no desire to have sex with her. Maybe if you're the type of person who experiences physical arousal from looking at someone, you actually get turned on by them. Supposing you're a sexual person who does want sex with people (and not an asexual who never does regardless of how physically attractive someone might be to them) are you not still experiencing sexual attraction?

Personally what I think you are referring to is (this is my perspective)

 

Amazing or nice body but total dick of a person - sexual attraction only (sex alone would be nice)

 

Amazing personality but I’m in no way sexually attracted - attraction alone and I like spending time with them

 

Amazing or nice body and killer personality - sexual attraction and attraction so therefore I want to have sex with them and spend time with them. This is the gold standard for relationship material.

 

For me sexual attraction involves wanting to or feeling that the idea of having sex with them would feel great. It’s very basic and it’s generally instinctive/instant.

 

The other type of attraction can be instinctive and instant but can also take time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, James121 said:

Amazing personality but I’m in no way sexually attracted - attraction alone and I like spending time with them

I think I just call that 'liking someone as a friend'. I've known people with great personalities, people I find interesting or funny or smart or whatever, but there's no sexual spark. So I don't call it 'attraction'. I'm not attracted to my friends and I'm obviously not attracted to my favourite family members, but I really like who they are. In some cases, I love them. But I'm not attracted to them.

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10 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I think I just call that 'liking someone as a friend'. I've known people with great personalities, people I find interesting or funny or smart or whatever, but there's no sexual spark. So I don't call it 'attraction'. I'm not attracted to my friends and I'm obviously not attracted to my favourite family members, but I really like who they are. In some cases, I love them. But I'm not attracted to them.

But therefore sexual attraction would surely mean that a different line has been crossed and you find yourself wanting to touch or be touched by them? Sexual contact.

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Well I fully maintain that I can find people attractive in a way that's very clearly an attraction based in my sexuality and not just 'I really like this person's character in a platonic way and think they're a great individual', but it's not strong enough or there's a specific reason I wouldn't actually desire to be sexually intimate with them even if given the chance.

 

But sure, it's subjective. If you would say that you're attracted to your friends, and also that everyone you think is pleasing eye candy in a sexual way is someone you'd want to touch or be touched by no matter the circumstances, that's up to you.

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