Boundaries and (A)Sexuality?

[*a*rteest]

Sorry if this has been discussed before, there's a LOT of posts to search through.

I'd like to pick the brains of the sexually-driven people, especially those in long term relationships, for a moment. I think the eternal conflict in A/S relationships brings up the topic of boundaries.

I'd like to ask those folks if the presence of an asexual person in your life has had an effect on other boundaries you might set for yourself?

I've been doing a lot of thinking about boundaries since there has been, quite frankly, a really REALLY horny guy ten years younger than me at work after me for sex. I'm obviously A, and not interested in having sex with him any time soon, though I do find him aesthetically very attractive.

He flatout doesn't seem to be a person that understands what appropriate boundaries are...he's always had things (booze, drugs, sex, etc...ANY hedonistic experience he's ever wanted) handed to him on a silver platter. Then I came along with my big, fat, asexy "NO!" and it seems to be affecting him.

Sometimes I think he likes me simply to see if he can get a cheap thrill...for example, he gets REALLY hurt and downright angry every time I say "no"....however, there are subtle things about him that make me think he appreciates, maybe not even in a conscious way, of someone he finds attractive setting those boundaries and not treating either one of us like a piece of meat. He definitely seems to be "different" than he was a year and a half ago.

I'm not saying every sexual person is like him, and every A is like me. I'm not saying that I'm going to satisfy his every whim and I'm not expecting him to be a squeaky clean Mr. Cleaver. I'm just curious what effect on boundaries an asexual person, or this group, or whatever has had on you as a sexual person.

[Chiaroscuro]

squeaky clean Mr. Cleaver

This quote interested me, since it's the subtext of all conversations with my wife that involve sex. To her, my desire for sex is an ugly, dirty thing. If I didn't want it, I would be squeaky clean, and she would feel safe and happy.

Unfortunately, I'm ugly and dirty, so she has to erect very high boundaries to keep me at bay. If I sit too close to her, she needs to scoot away. If we argue (not necessarily about sex), she needs to move farther away from me. If I take her hand when we're out walking, she lets it go limp until I drop it.

Those sorts of boundaries are different than the healthy boundaries I experience with my children, and which obviously don't include the sexual/relationship element.

Your conflict with your admirer strikes me more as the first sort of boundary than the second (though, since as you say, he's un-used to being thwarted, there could be some overlap).

-Chiaroscuro

[*a*rteest]

Your conflict with your admirer strikes me more as the first sort of boundary than the second (though, since as you say, he's un-used to being thwarted, there could be some overlap).

Yes, I definitely say it's the first. However, I feel I have to establish this to be sure, as I said, I'm not simply being regarded as a piece of meat. he's quite flirtatious with almost every young, attractive female in the store, so I'm keeping my guard up.

My question, rather, referred to the theory as to whether sexually-driven people have looser boundaries overall than those who are A, for example, in their sense of humor, and if one person's idea of boundaries affect the other's.

[Chiaroscuro]

My question, rather, referred to the theory as to whether sexually-driven people have looser boundaries overall than those who are A, for example, in their sense of humor, and if one person's idea of boundaries affect the other's.

Boundaries or lack of boundaries don't exist orientation-wide... I'm sure there are A's who have boundary issues and S's who don't (and vice versa). I think you're just faced with an individual who hasn't had to deal with folks saying no to him, and he's confused :)

-Chiaroscuro

[*a*rteest]

Boundaries or lack of boundaries don't exist orientation-wide...

I'm aware of this. Let me rephrase it again, and say I asked my question because was wondering whether dealing with someone who has such rigid boundaries makes someone more *aware* of where their own are.

I think you're just faced with an individual who hasn't had to deal with folks saying no to him, and he's confused :)

And he has every right to be confused by me. I'm also betting that he's never dealt with someone who finds him physically attractive (he knows I find him attractive) but doesn't crave to have sex with him.

He's (and AVEN has, too) made me think a lot of my own boundaries and why I set them where I do.

[Indigo]

I don't really know if many people see their own boundaries in the context of someone else's boundaries. I think it's more likely the other way around: people use their personal boundaries as the natural standard by which they evaluate other people's stated boundaries. He sees his own behavior as the norm, and thus he may be confused when confronted with such "abnormal" behavior.

Just like how I realize that my attitude torwards sex is an uncommon one, but I still perceive other people's boundaries as being more loose or strict than my own. The contrast doesn't really make me think any differently about my own boundaries.

Also, from what I've heard, your "unattainability" in and of itself may make you seem even more attractive in his eyes. I could be way off base, but it seems possible.

[thylacine]

"He flatout doesn't seem to be a person that understands what appropriate boundaries are...he's always had things (booze, drugs, sex, etc...ANY hedonistic experience he's ever wanted... " Sheesh... sounds like a lot of people I know in my life.

[Busrider]

Difficult question. I'll try to answer from past experience. 1st thought: Isn't every random woman to be considered practically asexual (from a egocentric male POV)? - I mean the %age interested into sex with oneself is so small, that it is close to neglectable and what they (might) do with others doesn't (and shouldn't!) count for oneself...

Common sense tells: Women demand higher boundaries. One shouldn't drive like a daredevil, drink until they have to carry one home and tell jokes dirty enough to cross a average male out, if one tries to seem attractive. Women raising male dressing standarts and bathroom cleaning frequency are quite common too.

I believe asexuality doesn't play a big role in the beginning. It might only count when one decides to give the relationship up, according to all that hassle (for what?).

I was wondering whether dealing with someone who has such rigid boundaries makes someone more *aware* of where their own are.

Awareness: I'm the most normal person in the universe until I meet others.

As soon as I 'm trying to tune myself into their level, I become conscious of differences. If they are too big and uncomfortable to live with I start developing negative emotions after a while, by missing something or feeling myself pushed or pulled too much. What works for a moment doesn't always work forever. Quirks and demands of others are interesting in the beginning, but might suck, when routine is established and mastering daily life becomes more important again.

In the end it's all a deal / compromize which some relationships seem to be worth. I've seen guys changing towards reasonable and responsible.

I can't tell if sexuality raises or lowers boundaries. I've heared of sexuals in relationships, who avoid nudity in the light, while there are asexual nudists too.

The only thing I'm sure about: Unwanted sexual interest raises the boundaries of those who like to avoid causing it.

[*a*rteest]

Awareness: I'm the most normal person in the universe until I meet others.

That's an awesome sig quote.

[!]

Awareness: I'm the most normal person in the universe until I meet others.

That's an awesome sig quote.

I like that quote too :P

I think any type of relationship between two or more different people has bondaries.