Luna Not-so-Lovegood Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I'm 20 and I've known that I'm ace for quite a while. I've had a bf in high school but was uncomfortable with pretty much any kind of physical affection and it didn't work out. After this I started wondering if I really was romantically attracted to him, and though I really longed for a romantic relationship I started thinking that I might be aro too. Well, guess I was wrong, cause I actually think I fell in love. It feels different from what I felt in high school, it doesn't drain me, and I think about him (a lot), and I want to be close to him, also physically. We've been seeing each other for about two weeks now and we've kissed as well (first time was a bit strange but not unpleasant). The thing is, I can't shake off this hope that I will start to feel sexual attraction to him too, or that I at least won't be completely averse to sexual intimacy, which I am now. Like I said, I feel this sort of physical attraction of wanting to be close, but the thought of doing anything sexual just makes me freeze inside, and it doesn't feel like this will go away anytime soon. We haven't talked about it yet (it's only been two weeks, I plan on discussing it once it becomes more serious or actually "official"). Thinking about the future of a relationship is so conflicting because it makes me really happy and excited, but simultaneously I just don't see how two people could have a working relationship when one of them is sex averse. I more and more often find myself wishing that I wasn't asexual at all, or at least indifferent to sex so that we could work something out. I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to vent a little bit into the AVEN void 😕 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TormentDubz Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 Don't force yourself to do anything your body isn't comfortable with 9 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkullBee Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 11 minutes ago, TormentDubz said: Don't force yourself to do anything your body isn't comfortable with I second this. You aren't obligated to have sex with anyone. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hypnopompic Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 25 minutes ago, Luna Not-so-Lovegood said: Like I said, I feel this sort of physical attraction of wanting to be close, but the thought of doing anything sexual just makes me freeze inside, and it doesn't feel like this will go away anytime soon. You crave affection and intimacy without wanting sex; that is unfortunately the eternal dilemma for a lot of asexuals. Physical closeness that expresses love and connection is welcomed and even initiated but as soon as it turns sexual, it becomes off-putting for a lot of us. However, allosexuals often have trouble dinstinguising between those two forms of physical closeness because to them, they are intertwined. I have been in your situation before (although I would describe myself more as sex-neutral leaning towards sex-aversed) and all I can tell you is: Do not have sex to make your partner happy or to please them. It will make you resent them over time because even though you agreed to it, you might still feel forced and even violated. There were phases where I would hate my ex-boyfriend because I felt he made me go through this. So put yourself first and do not force yourself to do anything you do not want to do. 9 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TormentDubz Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 22 minutes ago, hypnopompic said: Do not have sex to make your partner happy or to please them. Absolutely this 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
oldgeeza Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I would broach this immediately, the longer you leave it the more you could be hurt if and I say if because he might be happy with the arrangement, but if not, you don't want to get too attached. I'm in my fifties now, if I could turn the clock back, I would never have tried to have sex, I only had sex due to peer pressure, every woman I dated cheated on me from day one, but more than anything else, I wanted approval from my sperm donor, rather ironically, it and its side of the family disowned me, that aside, I felt physically sick, violated, I only had sex a handful of times in total but with two different women, for years I couldn't even look at them and I felt ashamed of myself, I don't see anything wrong with people having sex, but only if they're happy to do so, I'm not and I wasn't back then either, it put me off relationships for a long time, it was another five years before I had another relationship, again it didn't last as she was cheating too, I haven't been in a relationship since, but that was my choice, but in all honesty, you will resent yourself for doing something you don't want to and you'll resent your partner too and the relationship will turn sour, I can only advise you, but you need to think of yourself too. I know that asexual people are few and far between, but not impossible to find, I know of a couple who met online and are now living happily together so don't write that off, I also know of couples where one of the partners is asexual and it's still worked out so again, don't write that off, but seriously, talk about this as soon as possible so you both know where you stand. Being asexual isn't a bad thing, it's how we're made, it's no different to being heterosexual, gay, bisexual, or any other orientation, it's a part of who we are, if someone respects you, they'll respect you being asexual. 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lysandre, the Star-Crossed Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Luna Not-so-Lovegood said: I'm 20 and I've known that I'm ace for quite a while. I've had a bf in high school but was uncomfortable with pretty much any kind of physical affection and it didn't work out. After this I started wondering if I really was romantically attracted to him, and though I really longed for a romantic relationship I started thinking that I might be aro too. Well, guess I was wrong, cause I actually think I fell in love. It feels different from what I felt in high school, it doesn't drain me, and I think about him (a lot), and I want to be close to him, also physically. We've been seeing each other for about two weeks now and we've kissed as well (first time was a bit strange but not unpleasant). The thing is, I can't shake off this hope that I will start to feel sexual attraction to him too, or that I at least won't be completely averse to sexual intimacy, which I am now. Like I said, I feel this sort of physical attraction of wanting to be close, but the thought of doing anything sexual just makes me freeze inside, and it doesn't feel like this will go away anytime soon. We haven't talked about it yet (it's only been two weeks, I plan on discussing it once it becomes more serious or actually "official"). Thinking about the future of a relationship is so conflicting because it makes me really happy and excited, but simultaneously I just don't see how two people could have a working relationship when one of them is sex averse. I more and more often find myself wishing that I wasn't asexual at all, or at least indifferent to sex so that we could work something out. I don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to vent a little bit into the AVEN void 😕 Attraction=/=orientation=/=behavior. It's totally up to you whether you do anything about it or not, but I'll echo what is being said by the other folks...please do not force yourself to have sex for someone if you do not want to do it. Wanting sex for the sake of your own sexual gratification, wanting to procreate, wanting to please a partner, wanting to engage in consensual sex work...those are valid reasons to have sex. Unless one or more of those reasons applies to you, don't do it. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Luna Not-so-Lovegood Posted March 18, 2022 Author Share Posted March 18, 2022 2 hours ago, hypnopompic said: You crave affection and intimacy without wanting sex; that is unfortunately the eternal dilemma for a lot of asexuals. Physical closeness that expresses love and connection is welcomed and even initiated but as soon as it turns sexual, it becomes off-putting for a lot of us. However, allosexuals often have trouble dinstinguising between those two forms of physical closeness because to them, they are intertwined. I have been in your situation before (although I would describe myself more as sex-neutral leaning towards sex-aversed) and all I can tell you is: Do not have sex to make your partner happy or to please them. It will make you resent them over time because even though you agreed to it, you might still feel forced and even violated. There were phases where I would hate my ex-boyfriend because I felt he made me go through this. So put yourself first and do not force yourself to do anything you do not want to do. Thank you, and I definitely won't do anything I'm not comfortable with. He checks in on me a lot, asks me if I'm comfortable even when we're just sitting somewhere, so he's quite careful. And I know where my boundaries are. I suppose I'm just frustrated with myself because of it, because I know I can't (and shouldn't) change myself for someone else. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dnny_Shv Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I spent a while wishing I wasn't ace in my late teens and early 20's. When I first heard about asexuality, it kinda made sense to me, but I didn't really want to believe it. After a time of experimenting I came to terms that sexual activity was not for me. I used to feel that there's an assumption that if you're a guy, you're expected to be proficient at sex, so there was always a pressure. I've stopped caring at this point but as far as finding an asexual partner, I don't realistically see that happening seeing how few of us there are. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 I will second the advice that it is high time to talk to this person you are seeing about your orientation if you want to continue dating him. When things become serious or official will be much too late. At two weeks it would be fine to break things off without giving any specific reason, but it seems like you are hoping things will work so it would make sense to come out rather than preemptively breaking up. If you are questioning you can say that you are questioning. Just tell him what is on your mind before he brings up sex and you have to reject him, which will be more embarrassing than coming out in a timely fashion. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
hypnopompic Posted March 18, 2022 Share Posted March 18, 2022 1 hour ago, Luna Not-so-Lovegood said: Thank you, and I definitely won't do anything I'm not comfortable with. He checks in on me a lot, asks me if I'm comfortable even when we're just sitting somewhere, so he's quite careful. And I know where my boundaries are. I suppose I'm just frustrated with myself because of it, because I know I can't (and shouldn't) change myself for someone else. I understand your frustration. Sometimes I think that being allosexual must be so much easier. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
StruggleSession Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 Being true to yourself isn't always easy --- I've struggled with it plenty. But it's also the only way to have a chance at achieving REAL happiness. Living authentically beats the alternative, no matter how difficult. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Libellule Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. However, I second that you should tell the guy about your sex-aversion now rather than later. It's not going to get any easier for either of you if you wait. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted March 19, 2022 Share Posted March 19, 2022 The thought hadn’t come to mind either way. Maybe because I’ve found my BF is Asexual who did identify as Bisexual. Maybe I’d would wished on being sexual if he was sexual. Even so, I weren’t wishing to be sexual knowing he identified as sexual. I probably could sense our sexualities matched quite well along with almost everything else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rylovesbooks Posted May 18, 2022 Share Posted May 18, 2022 Hi Luna, your story really resonated with me. I just turned 21, and recently have accepted that I'm a sex-repulsed asexual. Also like you, I've had some unfavorable sexual experiences that only confirmed my fears about myself. I'm also looking for a lil romance, just like you were with the man you mentioned in your post. I have been talking to this guy for maybe a couple weeks, but I've been out of town so we haven't had a chance to actually see each other in person. I know I like holding hands, kissing etc, but like you, I currently can't fathom doing anything more than that. so I 10000000% identify with you on this. I just wish I could be like everyone else, be like my friends, heck, even be more sex-favorable at least. But I'm slowly learning to love this part of myself too, although it is often difficult. Talking to my allo friends also hasn't been helpful because they just say like "oh you'll have to at least pretend to like sex to be in a relationship with a sexual person" or just that I'll never/or really struggle to find someone who would be willing to be in a sexless, monogamous relationship with me, but ultimately that's what I need in a romantic partner. One thing I've gotten from accepting my asexuality is that I am worthy and deserving of love and romance even if it's not conventional to society's standards. And also that I don't have to compromise as I did in high school so many times to make my boyfriend happy with me but would leave me feeling so horrible. In short, girl we are basically the exact same person!! You should definitely PM me so we can be friends Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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