Insecurities for Allo’s partnered with an Ace

[Ceebs]

3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

So I had to Google, found 16personalities online and did the free test. I’m ESTJ-A apparently. Now I must go learn about that and then promptly forget it. Haha

 

EDIT: For the unedumacated folks, thats 

extroverted, observant, thinking, judging and assertive. 🤔.

I spent so long immersed in that world that I can guess at people's types if I know them well enough, and that result for you doesn't surprise me in the least. 😂 I mean, it can get obnoxiously complicated when you bring all the Jungian stuff in... the 16 'cognitive functions' (things like 'introverted feeling', 'extroverted intuition', blah blah blah)... and tests aren't always accurate, but that sounds absolutely right for you. The literal opposite of my INFP introversion, intuition, feeling and perceiving, which is more or less a fancy way of saying I'm quiet (well, until I'm not, with people I'm close to) and spend far too much time in my head with my complicated thoughts and intense emotions and have little tolerance for the practical side of life lol. That particular test tacks the other letter on at the end, A or T, assertive or turbulent, which isn't really part of traditional MBTI, but it's interesting anyway. Unsurprising you're an A on that; I'm a T. Perhaps this explains why I admire all the traits you seem to have that I don't haha.

 

Well this got nerdy. Go do your work lol. I ought to be doing many things here myself instead of sitting on my arse scrolling the internet... just remembered my laundry that's been sitting in the washer for a couple hours and I meant to wash patio furniture here...

 

Aaaaaand back to your regularly scheduled thread, folks...

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

It's pseudoscience, but it's interesting and still potentially informative and occasionally useful pseudoscience.

Yeah, that’s the challenge with attachment styles and love languages as well.  They’re theories that may help people express and understand things in ways they can then communicate to others, but they do tend to get talked about as proven scientific fact when they’re more like… terminology shorthand.

[ryn2]

I spent a long time a while back fascinated with MBTI.  I test as an INxP on the “real” test, actually almost an INxx - my T and F answers are exactly equal, and P has only a small edge over  J, whereas my I and N results are  close to 100% each.

 

However, the purpose of the test is to narrow down the number of profiles you need to read in order to “find yourself,” and that’s where it falls apart for me.  In the end I studied all of them and - while there are some that are clearly not me in any way - there isn’t a single one where nothing stands out as jarringly untrue.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

It's pseudoscience

😁

 

I was asked to take the official test at a very prominent cutting edge software lab where I worked*. So, I did. When the peeps on the team saw the answer (I didn't care so didn't pay attention) they came to my office to tell me. The first thing they said was that my personality will think this result is crap. I concurred. Then they told me.

 

I am barely I. In the D&D world the I/E would be considered neutral  - I believe that. If you consider at the official criteria for introvert/extrovert, I find that I need to regen alone and then I need to regen in a group and then alone/group/... and I do tend a little more towards alone.

 

Weird how that matched me.

 

And then, even though I felt this was just some crap pigeon-holing mumbo-jumbo, the rest of the INTP traits seem to be pretty spot on. Enough I can't ignore that there is some sort of correlation. Especially this.

 

* - because my personality was curious for the team. It's apparently a rare type.

 

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Well, that changes depending on who I'm with.

I think context can matter too. I recently had a breakup and my partner went communication distant on me. I'm sure that created anxiety, I felt anxious, but I'm not sure that counts as anxious attachment. I bet if I had taken a test then it would have called it anxious attachment.

[Ceebs]

56 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

However, the purpose of the test is to narrow down the number of profiles you need to read in order to “find yourself,” and that’s where it falls apart for me.

Yeah I got hung up on the minutiae and being like, 'OH BUT THAT ONE THING DOESN'T REALLY FIT!' and if you look at it like that, no one is any particular type. Which is, you know, a good thing. Not everyone who tests the same on a pseudoscientific personality test is going to be identical. If you look at it in a big picture way, generalities, many people fit somewhat more into one than the others.

 

Mind you, I didn't truly need a personality test to inform me I'm the type of person who does shit like cries at music and sunsets and poems and feels sad for abandoned inanimate objects and overanalyses every single aspect of existence and loves learning stuff but doesn't know how to put it into practice and is very reserved around people until I know them and then they get to discover how absolutely bloody weird I am. 'Prone to melancholy' lol, that sort of thing. I think I hear INFPs mostly called things like 'the idealist' or 'the dreamer' or 'the romantic'. Absolutely not suited to fitting into the practical world and most successful at non-9-to-5 careers like writer and artist. Apparently therapist too, lol... actually my mum used to tell me I'd make a good therapist, but I'm not sure I have the patience for something like that. I'll never forget the time I shared some of my old writing with Tele (who's a 'real writer') and he said something about almost no one writes that well without having taken writing classes and added, 'I feel like we've just fucked'. 😂

 

The emo kids of the MBTI lol.

 

37 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

In the D&D world

Oh man, D&D. That's even too nerdy for me. 😂

 

And that link is a good INTP summary, yeah.

 

37 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

I think context can matter too. I recently had a breakup and my partner went communication distant on me. I'm sure that created anxiety, I felt anxious, but I'm not sure that counts as anxious attachment. I bet if I had taken a test then it would have called it anxious attachment.

Yeah I'm pretty sure context matters a lot, even very temporary context. I mean, there are reasons they tell people not to take things like psychological assessments, personality tests, etc. when they're exhausted, very stressed, inebriated, upset, grieving, in the middle of some type of life upheaval, and so on.

[ryn2]

8 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Yeah I got hung up on the minutiae and being like, 'OH BUT THAT ONE THING DOESN'T REALLY FIT!' and if you look at it like that, no one is any particular type. Which is, you know, a good thing. Not everyone who tests the same on a pseudoscientific personality test is going to be identical. If you look at it in a big picture way, generalities, many people fit somewhat more into one than the others.

Oh, agreed, but this wasn’t minutiae.  These were big “oh, gross, that couldn’t be less me!!” things.  I would be reading along thinking okay, okay, maybe not quite that but close enough, okay, and then I’d inevitably hit (at least) one that closely approached revolting.

[Ceebs]

1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Oh, agreed, but this wasn’t minutiae.  These were big “oh, gross, that couldn’t be less me!!” things.  I would be reading along thinking okay, okay, maybe not quite that but close enough, okay, and then I’d inevitably hit (at least) one that closely approached revolting.

Yeah it doesn't work for everyone.

 

I gave up on trying to type my ex-husband. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[ryn2]

I liked the idea and was good at guessing other people’s results but I struck out personally.  XD

[Ceebs]

3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I liked the idea and was good at guessing other people’s results

Oh yeah I was always all over that sort of thing. Like I say, one of the times I went to the library as a kid, I borrowed a massive pile of books on all sorts of ways of analysing and categorising people's personalities. Fairly reasonable (if unscientific) things like MBTI and Enneagram, and other stuff that I quickly wrote off even at that age as absolute nonsense (astrology, numerology, handwriting analysis, etc.). I mean, actual proper psychology is in there too of course. The way people work -- myself and others -- was fascinating to me then and still is now. I think perhaps some of my obsessive attempts to figure myself out were ways to feel less alone, like maybe I fit somewhere and there was an answer to why I was the way I was, and by extension, perhaps nothing wrong with being that way. Just a theory. 🙃

[Traveler40]

I haven’t read all of the above as I’m short on time, but I had to drop in this hilarity (not meant to be offensive). 
 

So I asked my lover, “What’s your Myers-Briggs type?”

 

Him: STFU

 

He followed with: I’m not a fan of that mother-daughter team. They don’t know crap about it. They have no background in clinical psychology or organization behavior…it’s all BS

 

Me: Happy Thursday! 🤣

[Ceebs]

He's not really wrong lol, so.

 

I think I see it as one of those 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water' thingies. You can actually learn stuff from it, about yourself and other people, if you see it for what it is. Taking it too seriously like it's Proper Science (and I've known people who do and they're quite insufferable) is just... no. Don't. 😂

[ryn2]

The only thing I’ve consistently found is that there seems to be some sort of fundamental difference between how people who test as sensing/observing (in my case, people who test ES, as I’ve not personally met anyone who’s told me they test IS) and those who test as intuiting experience… existence. Like, just zero common ground on how our brains work on a day-to-day basis.  That’s not meant to disparage either side, or to imply I don’t like sensing/observing folks; it’s just one of those things where trying to “get” what the other group is experiencing seems futile.  So, that particular part feels less like bunk to me.

 

But, yes, I’m glad we’re past the days where those types of tests were the workplace flavor of the week.

[Ceebs]

4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

The only thing I’ve consistently found is that there seems to be some sort of fundamental difference between how people who test as sensing/observing (in my case, people who test ES, as I’ve not personally met anyone who’s told me they test IS) and those who test as intuiting experience… existence. Like, just zero common ground on how our brains work on a day-to-day basis.

Yeah I get that. By my own evaluation at least, my parents are both ISxx types. Dad's the most classic ISTJ in existence lol, and I think mum is ISFJ. Maybe an ESFJ, but she'd be on the I/E boundary.

 

My parents and I navigate the world very differently.

[Mountain House]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

it’s all BS

INTP then... 😁

[Ceebs]

Just thought I'd mention that Tele wondered if there were responses to what he wrote in those screenshots, and after reading, he said, 'Bit weird seeing the exegesis on my words lol'. 😂

[Guest]

On 3/13/2022 at 1:57 AM, MyWifeIsAce said:

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 decades and although we didn't always have the language to explain her asexuality we've been experiencing the same issues for years. Recently my wife and I came into full acceptance of her Ace orientation. That process is a whole other issue to discuss but in this post I wanted to validate and touch on the deep insecurity that an Allo may feel when partnered with an Ace. 

I'm sure the insecurities the parter of an Ace experiences are different in every unmatched relationship, however if it's anything like my experience, these feelings of insecurity and sometimes even questioning trust can be crippling at times - completely unwarranted but no doubt real. I've learned, and we communicate constantly about this and my need for reassurance and staying connected. I guess there are many ways that this can be addressed, communication is likely the most important of any, although actions and other ways of addressing insecurities are very helpful.

 

I know, when I first found out my partner was Ace and multiple times prior to this understanding, I would go crazy trying to figure out what was missing or what other experiences she might be having that were more important than the one we were sharing. As an Allo partnered to an Ace, I felt and often still question if everyone else is somehow equal or maybe even more important than I am to my Ace partner, and from personal experience that type of thinking can lead to some pretty detrimental thoughts and potential actions. 

 

If you are matched with an Ace, or an Allo with a partner of different orientation, I would just recommend to both of you that recognizing and helping these feelings are helpful, often these feelings are not justified but they are real and are part of the Allo's (at times crushing) reality.

 

Finally to all the Ace partners of Allos, who are out there working hard to keep our unwarranted insecurities in check, thank you for continuing to work hard to make these relationships function, grow, and be some of the craziest, fullest, and deeply loving relationships possible. 

 

What special ways do you and your partner address insecurities and stay deeply connected? What habits do you practice to keep, grow, and deepen your relationship together? 

 

Peace, love, security, and understanding for all. 

Hi there. I've had considerable time to think about this question and in short it's communication, communication and lots of cuddles.

 

However, the long story can be wrapped up with my own personal perspective to date. It's a bit long winded but unfortunately I have to piece the bits together for them to make sense.  (Writing we / one but do substitute with I as it's my own personal take).

 

When one of the partners in a marriage is asexual without knowing that asexuality exists it causes havoc. Initially, when the sex dies there's immediately the notion that something is wrong on both sides.

Most loving relationships try and find a solution, but if asexuality is unknown the relationship spirals into a battle between the two parties. 

On the one hand there is an indecipherable refusal and on the other there is a constant demand for something which is unachievable. 

Little by little this gnaws away at the relationship, each party feeling guilty, pressured or tense, blaming each other for something which is blameless. Physical closeness dissipates lest it takes on sexual meanings, conversations sour.

For those who remain and try and find out the cause there is the profound knowledge that there's an unknown truth to be found.
(The reason for staying has a multitude of reasons from love to security to apathy to kids to whatever...)

Once the well hidden truth is found the relationship can be rebuilt.

For some it's a dead end, for others it's the beginning of a new relationship with one's partner or with multiple partners.

Either way the new found knowledge makes us strong. 

For some knowledge is unimportant, better live in the here and now. Or sex was the main key to the relationship and without it all else is lost. 

Because sex means different things to different people, an outsider can't tell us how rellevant or irrelevant sex is for our well being. Similarly our resilience, adaptability, self care differs for each of us. We alone can find our direction, but others' can help us in navigating these high seas.

Some say we find ourselves in these relationships because of our upbringing, past baggage, but I rather think that for both the asexual and sexual partner the reason is much more about ignorance. 

 For me the latter affirmation can only be true if both parties had been aware of asexuality, made an agreement and then realized it could not be upheld. Staying under such circumstances could well explain some sort of masochist behavior, low expectations or what not.

I have taken part in the Aven forum for several months now and on the whole it has given me a lot of food for thought.

Reading through other people's stories helps to put one's own into perspective. 
I've been able to unload an incredible amount of worries by being part of a community and discovering that I'm not alone with this issue on this planet.

Those of us who stay in these relationships, find their own way, either by some sexual compromise, others by starting polyamory relationships or clandestine ones others become or continue to be celibate. 

These choices all carry pros and cons. They bring up other problems. The one thing they have in common is having  extremely good  communication skills with your partner/s. Unfortunately, some can't communicate openly with their partner which makes finding peace of mind and/or body more problematic. Some have found good therapists.

One's choices are undertaken according to one's own capabilities. By that I mean physiological, intellectual, emotional and sometimes financial too.

Not one single choice is arbitrarily better than an other and none are worry free.  Let's not forget we are embarking on these choices out of necessity and not personal exploration.

To help us we read the stories from the forum.
Some stories ring truer to us than others or some are so well told that you see yourself at the kitchen table having tea with the couple.

I recall a story of an elderly couple the woman had opened up her marriage and was staying away for some time feeling guilty about how much time she was away her husband commented that of course she was guzzling as she'd been thirsty for so long ( not their exact words). It stamped an empathetic smile on my face. I could see why she wouldn't want to leave a man with such warm understanding. Absolutely cuddle able.

Another story, this time one that broke my heart, was of an asexual woman who opened up her relationship, she ended up with no husband, no best friend and no house.

Because I am the sexual partner, I often read of the stories from other sexual partners. It would be interesting to hear their partners' perspective. Or I might read stories of an asexual partner in a mixed marriage in distress. Or I have read stories of asexuals who have accepted their identity even before it had a name and feel serene, but a little lonely. There truly is so much to read and learn.

Indeed, another thing I've learnt is that sex is different for everyone. Most of all we know so little about it despite it's all around us or maybe because it is all around us.

Unfortunately sex carries a lot of unintended meanings too. Whether cultural, gender, psychological, religious, societal and so on.
Often we are judged or accepted by what others perceive our sexual behavior/s to be.

I can see how some of us become protective about our choices or sex life. There is fear that our new or old status could wrongly label us. We think this is really not us I'm here by force not by some internal choice. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

The ones who find sex in polyamory relationships don't necessarily become die-hard sexual fanatics, freaks or sex savants or slaves, and celibates don't necessarily find their nirvana or holiness or become boring puritans. Those who find some sort of agreement aren't hideaway rapists, sadists or whatnots. ( I'm finding it hard to find strong negative language here, thinking of some extreme fascist like persona).

On either side I think we push these labels away and seek neither pity nor acclaim.  For some our choices are forced upon us according to what we are willing to accept. We neither seek approval nor disdain, but rather seek acceptance, understanding and a place to openly share our thoughts.

 For me it's a never ending quest for  better understanding.

My motto?
Take from the forum what you need. Share and try and give something back. Grow strong. Be kind to yourself and others.
Face challenges, be empathetic and keep an open mind.
Don't imagine one size fits all, be prepared to stumble and start again. 

 

And to end it all off not another chocolate wafer but this link that

someone sent. Might be useful. They are very common sense.

https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/reasonable-expectations-save-your-marriage#.YlnAMQdvnUY.mailto

[Traveler40]

3 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Just thought I'd mention that Tele wondered if there were responses to what he wrote in those screenshots, and after reading, he said, 'Bit weird seeing the exegesis on my words lol'. 😂

Too funny! I was thinking, “Wow, thanks to Tele we rolling like the old days!” haha
 

He needs to be resurrected, and of all weekends to contemplate that, this is the one. 
 

Easy Tiger, no direct correlation on that reference! 🤣

[Ceebs]

Just now, Traveler40 said:

He needs to be resurrected, and of all weekends to contemplate that, this is the one. 

Oh I know. My dumb ass is still holding out hope that there's a way. Other than passing him my phone a few months from now and saying 'Go nuts' lol. 🙃

[Traveler40]

I’m with you - we should start a thing. 

 

🤔 wait….we did that. I mean, should we do that again? 😂 

 

You know how that would go though. Wash, rinse, repeat. Double 🤣

[Traveler40]

I’m waiting for my ride. It’s get away with the lover night around here. The next 24 hours should be heavenly! Oh, the anticipation….

 

I should think you know a bit about that. 🤣

[Ceebs]

I'm always up for starting a thing anyway. 😂

[Traveler40]

I’m in 💪🏼

[Ceebs]

30 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I’m waiting for my ride. It’s get away with the lover night around here. The next 24 hours should be heavenly! Oh, the anticipation….

 

I should think you know a bit about that. 🤣

Fair.

I mean. Tele and I had a very... very... good afternoon here lol, so.  Can't fault ya.

 

He's gone shopping for crème fraîche now (I have no idea what for) and I'm drinking beer and cooking applesauce. It's all very domestic really, in between the smut. 😂

 

Edit: I've moved on to dancing stupidly in the kitchen to the Bee Gees now. 

[Traveler40]

I’d like to think it’s all very smut here, in between the domestic. 😉
 

Perspective, it’s a thing!
 

EDIT: Not always, but a girl can dream. 😁

[Traveler40]

And I need the damn ninja emoji! 
 

As you know, I ♥️ emojis. So much.

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

As you know, I ♥️ emojis. So much.

I do, yes.

You're not as bad as my 77-year-old mum, though. She's taken to the things like a caveman with hieroglyphics. It's... tedious lol.

 

I'm somewhere in the middle. I've got Tele using them more than he ever did before. It's not hard to crack the shell of a curmudgeon when he's all lurrvvvved up. 😂

 

Btw, the ninja... it's just : ph34r : (remove the spaces between the colons and the 'ph34r').

[Traveler40]

1 minute ago, Ceebs said:

: ph34r :

[Traveler40]

O

M

G

 

You have made my day! 🙌🏼♥️

[Ceebs]

Just now, Traveler40 said:

Theeeeeere ya go. 😁

[Traveler40]

Holy crap, lover coming up the road - I’m off @@@@@@@@@@. Yeah, it’s gonna be a SMUT fest! 
 

#domesticfreefridays.

 

I’m out! Hugs 🤗