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Understanding Asexuality: From a Sexual to Other Sexuals


Mark from the OCD board

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Mark from the OCD board

Hello, everyone.

Ever since I discovered this board, I have wanted to do something for it--the way I do on my OCD board. Last week I had an inspiration, and this article is the result.

There is no copyright, and I give my article freely, in love, to the people on this board. If any of you can use it in any way to help others understand asexuality, feel free to copy any or all of it.

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"Understanding Asexuality: From a Sexual to Other Sexuals"

by Mark-Ameen Johnson

A friend who rarely mentions sex has not had any in at least a decade. It has always seemed odd to me, but he is someone I really care for, and I accept him as he is.

When I discovered the AVEN board, I put two and two together and got asexuality. I did not want to confront my friend over something he might not be comfortable talking about, but I did want to let him know that I was asexual-friendly.

Unable to concoct a better plan, I sent a FYI e-mail to a dozen friends, letting them know that I was reading very interesting threads on the AVEN board. I even sent links to some of my favorites. My e-mail was not for the other eleven; it went to them so my friend would not think I was singling him out.

He wrote back a few days later, saying he had looked over the board and found it fascinating. He also said he wished he had been born asexual, as that would have made his life easier.

O.K., he is not asexual.

Two days later I received e-mail from a different friend, one of the eleven. He said he had always suspected he was asexual.

I was floored. Friend number two goes on and on about crushes on TV personalities, and I had long ago chalked him up as a typical heterosexual male. Of course, now that I understand asexuality, I know that asexuals may or may not be romantically oriented and may or may not fantasize about fictional characters. I should have known better than to stereotype.

I am really embarrassed to admit this, but my stereotyping goes further. My friend is a very good looking guy, and I suppose I assumed that guys who look like that have a harem of women at their beck and call. And here I pride myself on being a male feminist... Shame on me! And double shame on me for assuming that a handsome man could not be asexual, as physical appearance and asexuality have nothing to do with each other. If handsome men are by definition sexual, then what does that make asexual men? Triple shame on me.

My stereotype says a lot about my values as a sexual despite my efforts not to overvalue physical appearance. Logically speaking, why is it impossible for a Tyra Banks or a Brad Pitt to be asexual? To deny the possibility is to deny the worth of asexuals, to say that sexuality and beauty alone define who a person is.

And here, having reached the semi-ripe old age of 41, I thought myself wise. I clearly have a lot to learn, and the AVEN board is a good place to start.

THE FIRST PREMISE

So, what premise should a sexual who wants to understand asexuality start with? Here is a suggestion: Being asexual instead of sexual is like being left-handed instead of right-handed. It's not the way most people are, but it is no better or worse than being anything else. In a classroom with movable one-arm desks, a right-handed person can sit anywhere; a left-handed person can either sit in discomfort at a desk made for the right-handed or locate a left-handed desk and be as comfortable as everyone else. It takes a little more effort for the left-handed person to fit in, but that is because culture is dominated by the right-handed, not because a left-handed person is biologically inferior.

In the past, left-handed people were thought to be evil: On Judgment Day the damned stand on Christ's left side. Teachers once used physical punishment to force lefties to write with their right hands. Today we know better--and we further realize that some people are ambidextrous (neither left- nor right-handed). "Infinite diversity in infinite combinations," says the Vulcan IDIC.

Accepting equality on an intellectual level is one thing, but how can we sexuals know on an emotional level what being asexual is like? We cannot. Since I am not asexual, I cannot say with certainty what it is to be asexual--just as I cannot say with certainty what it is to be a lesbian, a woman, an aspie, an African American, a Hungarian, a Korean, or a senior citizen. Despite my limitations, however, I can still gain some understanding, and I can use analogies to put myself in asexual shoes; moreover, I can use simple human love and understanding to rejoice in difference and treat others as I wish to be treated.

THE WORLD OF EYEBROWS

Let us now imagine ourselves on another planet, perhaps Alpha Centuari, where the dominant culture is based on eyebrow beauty. In fact, males of the species are said to think about a raised eyebrow every 17.3672 seconds. The Centauri film industry is dominated by eyebrow flicks, once considered too obscene to be shown in public. Touching another's eyebrow is, well, something you still do behind closed doors. Licking another's eyebrow... That is supposed to be reserved for marriage, although there are plenty of teens who slurp in parked cars, far from the eyes of prudish parents. Some teens' grades are bad because they cannot concentrate on academics; all they ever think about is eyebrows, especially big bushy ones.

"What on Earth (or Alpha Centauri) is this eyebrow thing?" you ask. You are aware of eyebrows' existence, and you are perfectly capable of admiring a nice set aesthetically, but who would devote such a large chunk of mental energy and waking hours to... eyebrows? It just does not make sense. You certainly do not want every damn conversation to focus on whose eyebrows warrant a good lick.

Do you see where I am taking this? You have never denied having eyebrows, and you can wax 'em, pluck 'em, or dye 'em with the best of them. But come on, eyebrows?!? There are more important things in life.

Now substitute "sex" for "eyebrows," and you are close to passing Asexuality 101.

BOMBARDED BY SEXUALITY

Back to the real world... In our sexual culture, asexuals are bombarded by sexuality that is foreign to them, made to feel as if they must have sexual prowess to hotrod with the cool clique and not be relegated to the geek squad. We never ask if they are interested in sex; we assume they are. Why wouldn't they be? Sex is great. Sex is the ultimate. Sex is da bomb.

So are eyebrows.

People question why asexuals need to come out, but in a society where sexual desire is assumed and many asexuals find they are forced to lie to be accepted, why would they not need to come out? It has nothing to do with asexual psychology and everything to do with the way we sexuals enforce sexual conformity. Asexuals need to confide in other asexuals, and those seeking romantic non-sexual relationships need to find others seeking the same. Painful self-examination and growing self-awareness cannot be endured in isolation. In addition, an asexual's experience in a sexually crass world may be so painful that self-abuse or even substance abuse may be real problems.

The irony is that sexuals ought to understand where asexuals are coming from. Heterosexual women and gay men sport a sort of asexual sentiment toward women, for example. They may desire them as warm friends, enjoy spending time with them, laugh or cry with them, admire their physical beauty... But it just is not sexual. Similarly, heterosexual men and lesbians have no sexual desire for men, but that does not mean men play no role in their lives.

Now here's the key point: Unless it is part of horsing around that all parties are comfortable with, a sexual advance from outside one's sexual orientation is usually not welcome. A heterosexual male does not want to be hit on by a gay male, and a gay male does not want to be hit on by a heterosexual woman. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, and asexuals do not want to be hit on by anyone. When we sexuals claim that asexuality is not normal, we are actually projecting our biological wiring and aspirations onto them. We are hearing our own voices, not theirs.

This is a childishly simplistic definition of sexuality, I realize, and it does not take the full sexual spectrum into account. I am not attempting to define all sexual possibilities here, and I certainly do not wish to alienate bisexuals or people with primary attraction to one sex and low, incidental attraction to the other. They, too, face unjust discrimination and have the right to be who they are. But, I am afraid, this article would be three times its size if I attempted to include all shades of sexual variation in it.

WHY NOT GET "FIXED"?

Back to asexuality. Now that its nature is a bit clearer, we should address the other question many sexuals ask: Why are asexuals reluctant to get "fixed" in therapy or by taking medication? The most important answer is that a number have gone that route, and it does not work. After all, why should it work? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If you, a sexual pondering this question, had no interest in heavy duty sexual bondage and domination, would you want to take a pill that would turn you on to it? Would you be willing to go to a therapist to explore what childhood traumas supposedly left you unwilling to wield a whip? Would you feel as if you were missing out on being submissive while tied up and splayed over the coffee table? Those who love these sex games feel that non-practitioners miss out on a lot. They would also feel that something had been stolen from them if they were no longer able to express their sexuality in this way. You, however, are unaware of missing anything. You can live a happy, productive life without heavy duty bondage. Or golden showers. Or rubber fantasies.

That is how asexuals view sexuality. They do not crave it, and they do not want to crave it.

WHAT ARE SEXUALS REALLY SAYING?

That last sentence is so hard for sexuals, myself included, to accept emotionally even though we may accept it intellectually. Much of human history is in fact the history of sex, and many great works of art--whether paintings or sculpture or music or literature--are very, very sexual, even if clandestinely. Many people have had to fight for free expression of sexuality, and in many societies sexuality remains restricted or denied. Even today some societies perform ritualized clitorectomies, imprison or even execute gay people, insist that sex be between a married couple and only in the missionary position. Foreign films that are clearly not pornographic must be strictly edited to avoid an X rating in the United States. Several episodes of the Canadian series Degrassi: The Next Generation, particularly the ones about abortion, have not been aired in the U.S. Mind you, Degrassi is about teenagers in high school and is hardly Sex and the City. (The latter show, like Queer as Folk, is only for Cable, not network TV.)

Tell people they cannot have something and they want it even more. People get very touchy about any encroachment on their sexual expression, yet they retain their predecessors' sexual squeamishness and condemn anything seen as sexual deviation. Despite our sexual liberation, we are still products of older generations' prejudices, older religious thought, and contemporary backroom humor. Sex is everywhere, yet it is taboo--and outright dirty.

Here lies the problem. We believe that asexuals are not like "us," so "they" must have something wrong with them. They seem to shove their sexuality (actually, their asexuality) in our faces, and that offends whatever Victorian morality still haunts us. Even worse, if an asexual dares not show "proper" sexual interest in us, we are furious. We want to get laid; who the hell are they to say no? How very sad.

Is sex truly the be-all and end-all of love? For a sexual, it is a key part of bonding, but is it the only possible expression of physical love? What of hugging, kissing, caressing lightly, snuggling, cuddling, and giving an arm in support? Is sex the only thing that cements a relationship? What of empathy, understanding, affection, patience, steadfastness, loyalty, honor, companionship, and shared wisdom?

If we forget so much else and define human relations by sex alone, then what does that say about us?

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Three Steps At A Time
WHY NOT GET "FIXED"?

Back to asexuality. Now that its nature is a bit clearer, we should address the other question many sexuals ask: Why are asexuals reluctant to get "fixed" in therapy or by taking medication? The most important answer is that a number have gone that route, and it does not work. After all, why should it work? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If you, a sexual pondering this question, had no interest in heavy duty sexual bondage and domination, would you want to take a pill that would turn you on to it? Would you be willing to go to a therapist to explore what childhood traumas supposed left you unwilling to wield a whip? Would you feel as if you were missing out on being submissive while tied up and splayed over the coffee table? Those who love these sex games feel that non-practitioners miss out on a lot. They would also feel that something had been stolen from them if they were no longer able to express their sexuality in this way. You, however, are unaware of missing anything. You can live a happy, productive life without heavy duty bondage. Or golden showers. Or rubber fantasies.

That is how asexuals view sexuality. They do not crave it, and they do not want to crave it.

Hi Mark,

Thank you for sharing this article with us. There is a lot to digest there but I would like to address the section quoted above...

I think that sentiment may well apply to many asexuals but not all. I do not desire sex, but I would like to. I want to want to have sex, just because it would vastly open up the dating possibilities for me.

My two cents.

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Well, that's a nice article, and a good introduction on the matter IMO - you certainly couldn't cover every side of it or you'd have written an encyclopaedia... Anyway, what you wrote applies to me fairly well, if that counts. I might be passing this on to my sexual friends. :)

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Mark from the OCD board

Thank you, Kalavinka

I understand, Three Steps At A Time, and that's excellent feedback. Consider the article a draft, then. If I need to change that passage or anything else in the article, I will gladly do it. :)

In addition, if I need to do a simpler rewrite because the version you see makes others as dizzy as ><FISH'>, that is fine, too.

Or people may want me to leave it as is. I'll wait to hear from others. In this case, the article is more important than the writer.

In the quote in question, Three Steps At A Time, the problem may be my choice of wording. I consciously used "crave" instead of "want," as sexuals often talk about craving sex; I know I do. That, I think, is different from wanting it so that you can have more possibilities in dating. (Again, I am looking at the issue from a sexual perspective that other sexuals will understand, and that is not an asexual's perspective. I would also use the word "crave" to describe a person who has not eaten in a very a long and "craves" food, for example. "Wants" would understate the issue.)

As a gay male, sometimes I wish I were heterosexual or bisexual so that I was not limited to the slim pickings among single gay men who want more than sex and with whom I feel emotionally and realistically compatible. For this reason, I can see where you are coming from and empathize with you. Maybe my article needs another paragraph or two to describe your feelings. It is always hard to write a short article and condense so much information when you are as annoyingly verbose as me...

Um, yes... For me, that is a very, very short article. When I was a kid, my parents used to call me Chief Running Mouth... ;)

'Nuff said.

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Well, about the dizziness, I had no problems reading it, it was pretty clear. ^^U

I hadn't seen any gay sexuals around here yet (for the little time I've been here at least)... Nice, that can give use another point of view on things, if you'll want to share it ^^

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oneofthesun

It's somewhat embarrassing when someone who doesn't share your "condition" explains it better than you do. That was amazing.

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That's some good writing, and the eyebrow analogy is spot-on. You definitely put it better than I ever could.

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Mark, I just want to say a big thank you.

It is not easy for sexual people to understand asexuality, but you very eloquently explained it.

My closest friends and boyfriend are very supportive of my asexuality, but I know many people who are not as okay with it.

I do not post much on AVEN, but as a constant visitor/lurker I really have enjoyed your recent additions. I hope you feel welcome to stick around and continue to share your insight.

It really is appreciated.

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Three Steps At A Time
Thank you, Kalavinka

I understand, Three Steps At A Time, and that's excellent feedback. Consider the article a draft, then. If I need to change that passage or anything else in the article, I will gladly do it. :)

In addition, if I need to do a simpler rewrite because the version you see makes others as dizzy as ><FISH'>, that is fine, too.

Or people may want me to leave it as is. I'll wait to hear from others. In this case, the article is more important than the writer.

In the quote in question, Three Steps At A Time, the problem may be my choice of wording. I consciously used "crave" instead of "want," as sexuals often talk about craving sex; I know I do. That, I think, is different from wanting it so that you can have more possibilities in dating. (Again, I am looking at the issue from a sexual perspective that other sexuals will understand, and that is not an asexual's perspective. I would also use the word "crave" to describe a person who has not eaten in a very a long and "craves" food, for example. "Wants" would understate the issue.)

As a gay male, sometimes I wish I were heterosexual or bisexual so that I was not limited to the slim pickings among single gay men who want more than sex and with whom I feel emotionally and realistically compatible. For this reason, I can see where you are coming from and empathize with you. Maybe my article needs another paragraph or two to describe your feelings. It is always hard to write a short article and condense so much information when you are as annoyingly verbose as me...

Um, yes... For me, that is a very, very short article. When I was a kid, my parents used to call me Chief Running Mouth... ;)

'Nuff said.

Yes I understand what you are saying, and you are right I don't have any interest in craving sex. I guess in that sense you might say asexuality is kind of a blessing. I just wish I could "turn on" the desire at certain times and then turn it off *lol*

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Yah know... that is one hell of a good essay. Dude, that needs to be read by every so called sex therapist on this planet... Really.

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Woah. I was actually very much enlighted by that. I think I might print that out for future reference to help educate some of the people who are having difficulties comprehending when I've been trying to explain.

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Phlying Ace
It's somewhat embarrassing when someone who doesn't share your "condition" explains it better than you do. That was amazing.

Very much seconded. It doesn't quite cover all asexuals — I, for instance, don't mind being hit on, even if I don't quite know how to respond to it :wink: — but as a summary, it's damn near perfect. Definitely one to save for future reference.

(I especially like the eyebrow analogy, though it's making me want to go watch FLCL again. :P)

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Mark from the OCD board

Just had to share this...

I have just returned from visiting my parents, who also live in Brooklyn, and I showed my 69-year-old Lebanese mother, who speaks English as her second language, my article. This is a quote (before she read it): "Well why wouldn't people understand asexuality? Even I know what it is."

Similarly, my father, age 72, thought the article made sense.

They are both Christians who take their faith very, very seriously. Dad substitutes as a lay minister when the real minister is too ill to lead the service; Mom is the church secretary; my sister is the head Sunday School teacher. All three sing in the choir and have served on the Session. I know that some people here have had problems with some Christians' take on asexuality, but I want you to know that the three Christians in my immediate family are open-minded--and they are hardly the only ones in the world.

Thank you, everyone, for all the wonderful comments!

While I love compliments as much as the next person, I must admit that it was not such a leap for me to understand asexuality and write about it. After all, I have been writing about my own OCD and homosexuality for years. As an Arab-American gay atheist with OCD (!!!), I am hardly mainstream, and I glory in my differences.

And thylacine: I did send a link to this thread to some therapists I know. One of them is the person who helped me with OCD, and, as I mentioned in another thread, he knows what asexuality is and would not try to "cure" someone of it.

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Eyebrows? Splayed over the coffee table? :shock: I LOVE it!!! I love writing that delivers the message in a way that makes so much sense and makes you laugh, too--thanks for that!

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Very cool and well-said. I think that could really help sexual folks understand us better. And bonus points for getting "Degrassi" in there!

(it's my guilty pleasure :wink: )

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I have to admit that I haven't read through the whole post yet, but what I have read I think is very well done. I'm not the best when it comes to expressing myself with words, so I'm very grateful that you've written this to help explain asexuality to people who are unfamiliar with it. I think the eyebrow analogy is great!

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Very well done!

It didn't make me dizzy at all. I thought it very clear, very precise but not to bogged down in the wording.

There wasn't anything in there I particularly disagreed with. I think it's one of the best descriptions/summaries I've read. There were naturally a few things that I didn't 100% think, but they were definately close enough. As you said, you can't get everything in.

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*applause*

Very eloquent, Mark. With your permission, could we feature this essay on the main page? We haven't had any new articles up there in a while, and a message from a sexual person would be fantastic.

Also, come hang out with us in NYC some time!

-Hu from Jackson Heights

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Mark from the OCD board

More thanks for all the additional comments! :)

With your permission, could we feature this essay on the main page? We haven't had any new articles up there in a while, and a message from a sexual person would be fantastic.

Also, come hang out with us in NYC some time!

Hi, Hu.

Of course you can--and you don't need my permission. :) As I posted, there is no copyright, and anyone can use this article for any reason. In addition, if you want to make any changes per what others have said in this thread (one person enjoys being hit on even though he is not sure how to respond, another wishes he could desire sex...) feel free. Such sentiments illustrate the diversity of asexuality, and I am afraid that, despite my best efforts, I may have painted asexuality as homogenous.

It would be fun to meet some of the folks from the board. :)

------------------------------------

And bonus points for getting "Degrassi" in there!

(it's my guilty pleasure :wink: )

Ditto, Ily.

I grew up with the original Degrassi--I remember Joey, Spike, and the rest in JUNIOR high--and I adore the new one. I only wish there had been a Marco on TV when I was growing up as a closeted gay kid. In the old series we had Snake's brother, but he appeared in only one episode--the one in which he came out. We never found out anything more about him.

I also adore the episode from the current series that was based on The Breakfast Club, one of my favorite movies of all time. I first saw it in a theater in 1985, when it was a new movie. Movie and Degrassi episode--both absolutely brilliant.

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Chiaroscuro

What a wonderful, thoughtful essay, Mark. You clearly have been on the outside looking in... it's given you some wonderful insights. Shows you that the specifics of the case are basically unimportant... when somebody's different than you, and it threatens you in some way you don't really understand, stop and take a deep breath before you start to judge them.

Thanks for taking the time and effort to think this through so clearly.

Chris

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It's a really well done article. Let me post my thoughts.

That is how asexuals view sexuality. They do not crave it, and they do not want to crave it.

I think the issue is deeper than this, though I recognize time and space limit things.

Some As (like myself) would find it tolerable to explore sexuality of the benefit of someone else....because let's face it, they'd never explore it for their own benefit....for an A, there are NO benefits, in the strictest sense, to be had by SEEKING OUT sex with someone else.

There are seemingly no benefits to me skydiving, and it's a dangerous, inconvenient, and expensive activity, so why should I put up with the danger, inconvenience, and expense of skydiving when I won't get an acceptable level of pleasure from it?

People skydive regularly because in SPITE of the effort, expense, and danger, they DERIVE pleasure from it enough to seek it out often.

I do not WANT to crave sexuality and sex, on my own. However, for the benefit of a sexually-driven partner (who meets x, y, and z of what I'd like in a person), and clearly acknowledges the fact that I am not simply a piece of meat, I'd gladly WANT to crave it...or at least the "expense", "inconvenience" and "danger" would not be such an issue, and I would reap benefits for myself from it. Giving someone else pleasure in the form that they can accept it would give *me* pleasure in itself.

Of course, the actual *desire* will never exist. I cannot make myself crave brussels sprouts anyone twenty years from now as I do today. Eating lots and lots of brussels sprouts will never make me want them.

However, if most of the time, we can either work through what we both like to eat, we have similar palettes and our entire relationship does NOT revolve around why EVERY meal does not involve Brussels Sprouts, you betcha I can tolerate a brussels sprout or two.

Because I derive pleasure from the things that are NOT Brussels Sprouts. And if there are enough "NOT-Brussels Sprouts" things about the relationship that make it worth my while to eat them once in a while, I may do it.

Yes, there are As who flat out, would NEVER bend themselves enough to be willing to give sexually what someone else enjoys. I think these are the As that strictly *cannot* function in a mixed marriage without taking total control over the sex aspect, which would make the occurances zero. This is definitely the "take-it-or-leave-it" scenario.

But I think the most successful relationships in mixed couples stem from the desire to GIVE the way someone else can accept it, and the ability to ACCEPT what someone else gives with their best efforts.

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Mark from the OCD board

My pleasure, Hu.

What an incredibly beautiful post, *a*rteest. I regret not thinking through the line about craving a little more.

When somebody's different than you, and it threatens you in some way you don't really understand, stop and take a deep breath before you start to judge them.

Amen, brother! How I wish more people realized that. When we accept others, we not only make the world a better place for them, but we also pave the way for our own acceptance.

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SpirallingSnowy

Thanks Mark, thats brilliant! i really enjoyed reading it :)

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