Jump to content

A sexual person hating sexuality?


chaku

Recommended Posts

...Sexuality, I believe, exacerbates cruelty...

absolutely. my ex demanded i be slim and athletic. i have been much happier since i left him, even though i have a few curves now.

sexual competition can really destroy self-esteem and warp values.

go well.

I do agree. I'm a rebelious person by nature... People want me to work out and get muscular, I ask why it is so important to them? They don't want me pale... I say that is the way I am, deal with it. Others get upset because I have long blond hair which is not masculine enough for them. Well, that's really too bad.

The point is, I think this is a fundamental flaw with human sexuality. I know I have been shallow in the past too and if I were to embrace my sexuality, it would be embracing many of these things. So, I've made the decision to view my sexuality as evil.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey, Chaku... listen, I gotta agree with Bunny here, okay... Now, normally I think psychiatrists have an irrational habit of medicalizing every day life... like yah know, you got PMS they give yah Prozac for pete's sakes when that just part of being a normal woman & all that... but in this case, man, if you are suicidal... maybe you ought to ask around for a doctor who's a real professional, or maybe talk to a clergy person? Don't be suicidal, dude. There is no way back if you go through with it.

Not coming back is precisely what I want. Disappearing forever is what I want more so than anything. I've stayed largely because I'm worried my mother won't live through my suicide and I will in some sense be taking her life as well.

Aside from that, I just want a painless way to die.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If you believe that treating people less because you think they are ugly is right... Fine. But, if not, why not have some sympathy for those that have been mistreated instead of being offended that you may be doing something wrong?

Even if you don't change your actions, is it that hard to have some sympathy for those that have been hurt?

Actually, I don't believe that I treat people as less, nor do I fail to have sympathy for people who are hurt. I'm sorry you interpreted my post that way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, I'm trying to convince myself to cut off all ties from the internet now, but honestly the internet is all I have so it is very difficult.

My main reason for leaving is "the more people in my life who are affected by my suicide, the more people potentially hurt."

So, I think maybe this topic should be locked and/or I should potentially be banned because I don't seem to have the self control to leave the internet.

I don't see why I should come here if I want to die and make everyone else's lives a little bit more miserable. I need to find a way to kill myself while hurting the least amount of people.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mark from the OCD board
I don't see why I should come here if I want to die and make everyone else's lives a little bit more miserable. I need to find a way to kill myself while hurting the least amount of people.

You are not hurting anyone by being here. Anyone who does not want to see your posts can skip the thread. Case closed.

That people are reading and responding, even if the responses are not always what you are looking for, says that people are interested in what you have to say. Think about that. People are interested in what you have to say. People on the Internet are still people. We are all in the real world. And we are interested.

This board is a place where many talk about pain and look for empathy and understanding. If anything, you are using the board for very the purpose for which it was set up.

Trolls hurt others on the Internet. They speak lies for the purpose of disrupting others' lives. You, on the other hand, speak truth and are not afraid to say exactly what you are feeling. I admire that. It actually takes courage to do so, and I think your posting here is a sign that a part of you is looking for an alternative to suicide.

Don't be ashamed of anything you feel or have to say. If you feel bad, you have the right to say so. If you are afraid that your posts will bum us out, then bum us out. I have seen plenty of posts by others that said a lot of depressing things. That's part of why we are here--to get it out.

Most people here, whether asexual or sexual, have been mistreated by others because of asexual or sexual issues. Whether or not my issues or someone else's issues are the same as yours is unimportant; our being human and knowing what it is to need an empathetic ear is what unites us.

You are not alone!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see why I should come here if I want to die and make everyone else's lives a little bit more miserable. I need to find a way to kill myself while hurting the least amount of people.

You are not hurting anyone by being here. Anyone who does not want to see your posts can skip the thread. Case closed.

That people are reading and responding, even if the responses are not always what you are looking for, says that people are interested in what you have to say. Think about that. People are interested in what you have to say. People on the Internet are still people. We are all in the real world. And we are interested.

This board is a place where many talk about pain and look for empathy and understanding. If anything, you are using the board for very the purpose for which it was set up.

Trolls hurt others on the Internet. They speak lies for the purpose of disrupting others' lives. You, on the other hand, speak truth and are not afraid to say exactly what you are feeling. I admire that. It actually takes courage to do so, and I think your posting here is a sign that a part of you is looking for an alternative to suicide.

Don't be ashamed of anything you feel or have to say. If you feel bad, you have the right to say so. If you are afraid that your posts will bum us out, then bum us out. I have seen plenty of posts by others that said a lot of depressing things. That's part of why we are here--to get it out.

Most people here, whether asexual or sexual, have been mistreated by others because of asexual or sexual issues. Whether or not my issues or someone else's issues are the same as yours is unimportant; our being human and knowing what it is to need an empathetic ear is what unites us.

You are not alone!

Thank you Mark... I went ahead and got myself banned from a website I've been a part of for 2 years now because I was feeling so guilty and miserable. (Depressionforums)

I don't know what to do. I guess maybe I shouldn't be banned from here because I feel all alone now. I threw 2 years of contact with people away because I felt like I was not going to get better and wasting everyone's time.

Now I'm sitting here feeling like there is no chance of me killing myself because I can't handle the pain. I guess I've about lost it, really.

So, I came here for an a-sexual impression on my views, and now this is the only place I know of to be. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mark from the OCD board

You know, people on a depression forum should know what depression is and what it can drive someone to do.

You can always write to a moderator, apologize, and ask to be given another chance. We are all human, and humans make mistakes. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
You know, people on a depression forum should know what depression is and what it can drive someone to do.

You can always write to a moderator, apologize, and ask to be given another chance. We are all human, and humans make mistakes. :)

Nah, I think it's too late. I can't even look at the website now. Either way, we humans just have to live out our mistakes, I guess.

But, the thing that made me freak out more than usual was someone that I've known for many months on the site just completely ignored me and blocked everything I could possibly say to them without even saying why. She started talking regular afterwards and laughing as normal with everyone else. It really hurt my feelings and made me question whether I can have friends at all.

I say no friends. I've tried, don't need to bother with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GetUnconscious
You seem to have a lot of self loathing. You deem your own sexuality as 'evil' whats with that? I love lots of people for the way they look, but that is something that remains completely independent to their personality, skill, art, humour etc etc. You sound like you cant detach the two. I was only talking about physical worth in this instance. Continuing with my chef anology; I would not taste a dish someone had made for me and compliment their work as an architect with my delight...You have obviously been hurt by peoples preferences of beauty...or maybe that your own preferences shock you... You need to get a grip on reality and start embracing your feelings. That is love. Not evil.

I see it evil because it is judging another person's worth from their appearance (just like racism).

About love, my mother "loved" my father, but he beat her and abused her in just about every way you can imagine.

Love, like beauty is just an emotion that can be wrong, inaccurate, and worthless.

If you are treating people differently because of the way that they look, then you are not detaching appearances from personality, as it is influencing their worth.

How do you define "physical worth?" How is this different from racism?

You seriously need to look at yourself and then get a grip. Stop equating people with being racist when that is just silly bollocks really. Maybe you are worth less to some people than other people are...so what!? Thats just life. What really matters is your self worth...and that is evident because you are wallowing in such self pity. Stop considering what other people feel as the most important thing, start moving forward and pleasing yourself.

I'm afraid the words "silly and bullox" don't really form a good rational argument.

I'm also not one to believe "that's just life" is a valid response to an injustice.

If by pleasing oneself my actions will be evil, I won't act upon them. There is nothing silly about that.

Maybe one day you will get into a disfiguring car accident and finally feel what it is like when someone judges your "worth" from your appearance?

I suppose to you now, "that's just life," but you would be singing a different tune, believe me.

Look. I can not deny I would be saddened if I was physically difigured, but there are plenty of people that arent pleased with the way I look currently. I find how I feel is the important part though. I also value my brain a lot, while not being mobile could frustrate me I would choose it over being a sex object. Do NOT assume that everyone treats people as you may have been treated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mark from the OCD board
But, the thing that made me freak out more than usual was someone that I've known for many months on the site just completely ignored me and blocked everything I could possibly say to them without even saying why. She started talking regular afterwards and laughing as normal with everyone else. It really hurt my feelings and made me question whether I can have friends at all.

That's one person with issues, chaku. It is possible that something you said hit too close to home, and that rather than deal with it she chose to ignore you. That has everything to do with her and her fears and nothing to do with you.

There are also people who are fickle and honestly don't realize the hurt they cause. Again, nothing to do with you.

Yes, some people are like that, but not all. Remember what I wrote a few posts ago? Don't take your feelings of self-worth from others. You'll only be on an emotional roller coaster if you do. I know how many people have been cruel to me in my life, including one who got me fired from a job so she could steal it. That was 1992. Then there is the woman who spread lies about me so she could turn her boyfriend (and a number of other people) against me since she did not want him to be friends with a gay person. Ironically, I was the one who set them up in the first place! It was hard on me because I had only been out of the closet for a year and a half and was still insecure about it. That was 1990. I still feel angry at them and others, but I don't let that interfere with the good relationships I have.

There are good people out there. When you are depressed, you replay the gloom and don't see the good. What possible motovation would I and others here have to lie about it? We've all encountered the good folks and the snakes. In fact, I am good to other people because people have been good to me. You, clearly, are good to your mother, and that has to come from somewhere. No matter how much wrongdoing you have seen, you have to know that some people are worth it, else you would not be on the Internet at all.

I know about how depression colors things because I have been there, and sometimes I still battle with depression since that how my OCD is wired. Actually, I feel fairly down today, but here I am posting. I have just eaten an Arabic meal of zatar, which I love, and once I sign off I am going to ride my exercise bike while rewatching an episode of Andromeda. After that, I will either correct papers for work or continue reading Vulcan's Glory, a Star Trek novel by D.C. Fontana. Science fiction is my quickest pick me up.

If I were you I would go back to the board and put the woman who hurt you on ignore. By virtue of sheer statistics, there have to be some good people on that board.

Are there any local support groups for depression or other issues you face? Check on line, with your prescribing physicians, or with a local hospital. There are also suicide hotlines and depression hotlines. If you need some numbers, just tell me and I'll post.

Any opportunities for volunteer work you believe in?

Remember something true about life: We're all in it together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"I've stayed largely because I'm worried my mother won't live through my suicide and I will in some sense be taking her life as well. "

Seriously, dude, don't hurt yourself, okay? We care. Don't... okay? Just don't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Mark and Thylacine. I realized today that I don't think I'm going to be able to commit suicide anytime in the immediate future because I don't have the resources to do it painlessly enough or without involving other people.

So, instead, I'm going to try to be kind to everyone and try to help other people.

Hopefully, I'll get what I want sometime fairly soon, but while I'm here I believe I need to be a kind person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, now that you've decided not to commit suicide, it might be a good idea to revisit the thought about seeing a doctor. I just hate to see anyone feel so bad when I know you can get help, and I know that you can eventually feel better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Shooting Star
For me, I find sexuality to be very evil. As I see it, the concept of judging the way another person should be treated based off their appearance is much the same thing as racism. Whether it involves refusing to give someone an equal opportunity towards having all kinds of relationships because of the way they look or refusing someone the equal right to drink out of a drinking fountain for that reason, I believe both are very wrong.

I couldn't agree more. Techincally, I am sexual, but the collective obsession with "image" and the complete disdain that those who fall short of these standards are met with has thrawted any desire for me to date, let alone get married. Fathers and Jocks intimidate and harrass those who do not live up to their standards of "masculnity" (physical and otherwise) while mothers, grandmothers and gossipy girls torment girls who are not "feminine" (physically or otherwise).

You, on the other hand, have accomplished more tham most people already have. You are immune to the prejudice of the eyes. It sickens me how people, especially religious types who claim to know better, turn away from those they deem "beneath" them. The likes of them are not worth being friends with anyway.

Beleive it or not, there are others who are unspoiled by society's shallowness. Searching around for a meetup near where you live (there's a Meetup Mart section) can be a good start. And feel free to PM me or hit me up on AIM anytime.

Welcome to the forum, BTW. I think you'll like it here.

P.S. Please, please, please don't kill yourself. People like you are the only thing that this world has going for itself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"I'm going to try to be kind to everyone and try to help other people."

Maybe you've found the answer you have been looking for, Chaku. Maybe that's your path in life. Help others, maybe volunteer to help handicapped people or abused animals, and you might find meaning in life, a purpose, maybe even happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, now that you've decided not to commit suicide, it might be a good idea to revisit the thought about seeing a doctor. I just hate to see anyone feel so bad when I know you can get help, and I know that you can eventually feel better.

It's getting difficult to explain this wherever I go, but I've already tried to get help before. I've been sent to the mental hospital where they wanted to strip me naked and watch me shower. When I told them no they locked me in a room with a video camera and demanded that I strip for them or else they would tie me up naked for 24 hours.

I'm not getting anymore help. Never again. I'm doing this on my own. This is my body, and if they can't respect it, I will fight.

Everyone tells me suicide is wrong... Well, this is MY body. I can do what I want with it. In my country it is legal to kill your baby claiming it is part of your body, yet when it comes down to true freedom, they rob you of everything.

I can't trust anyone to help me, because the law doesn't respect me and my freedom. Counselers/psychiatrists/doctors are obligated to report suicidal behaviors and send people to the mental hospital where they have no respect for my body.

Link to post
Share on other sites
For me, I find sexuality to be very evil. As I see it, the concept of judging the way another person should be treated based off their appearance is much the same thing as racism. Whether it involves refusing to give someone an equal opportunity towards having all kinds of relationships because of the way they look or refusing someone the equal right to drink out of a drinking fountain for that reason, I believe both are very wrong.

I couldn't agree more. Techincally, I am sexual, but the collective obsession with "image" and the complete disdain that those who fall short of these standards are met with has thrawted any desire for me to date, let alone get married. Fathers and Jocks intimidate and harrass those who do not live up to their standards of "masculnity" (physical and otherwise) while mothers, grandmothers and gossipy girls torment girls who are not "feminine" (physically or otherwise).

You, on the other hand, have accomplished more tham most people already have. You are immune to the prejudice of the eyes. It sickens me how people, especially religious types who claim to know better, turn away from those they deem "beneath" them. The likes of them are not worth being friends with anyway.

Beleive it or not, there are others who are unspoiled by society's shallowness. Searching around for a meetup near where you live (there's a Meetup Mart section) can be a good start. And feel free to PM me or hit me up on AIM anytime.

Welcome to the forum, BTW. I think you'll like it here.

P.S. Please, please, please don't kill yourself. People like you are the only thing that this world has going for itself.

I wish I could say I was unspoiled by shallowness, but I'm just a shallow person that is well aware of it and hates myself for it.

I can't stop judging people for the way they look and I know it is wrong. It is exhausting and I hate it, so I disagree with my sexuality.

Thank you for the support, There'saBadGirlCominThu. I just wish I could be that way. I want to be a good person. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
"I'm going to try to be kind to everyone and try to help other people."

Maybe you've found the answer you have been looking for, Chaku. Maybe that's your path in life. Help others, maybe volunteer to help handicapped people or abused animals, and you might find meaning in life, a purpose, maybe even happiness.

This is the problem, I don't know if I can live through my beliefs. It hurts too much.

I want to live through kindness until I can die (I hope soon), but I'm so tired and it hurts too much. Being kind exhausts me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

:( I always have to explain so much to everyone. I have beliefs against medication, which is why I don't take it. I can explain it, but I'm so tired of explaining everything to everyone. I've been down this path too many times before trying to rationalize what I'm saying to others because they never understand me in the first place.

To put it simply, I believe the natural chemical balance inside my head is me. This natural balance creates who I am as a person good or bad. If I take medications to stop me being me, I see that as a form of suicide. Because, I would be killing who I am naturally as a person by drugging away my identity.

I believe I should only ever take medication if I become directly harmful to others or completely lose my connection to reality (hallucinations).

Otherwise, I see my depression, unhappiness, and even suicidal behavior as part of my identity. Without my identity, I would be nothing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But, the thing that made me freak out more than usual was someone that I've known for many months on the site just completely ignored me and blocked everything I could possibly say to them without even saying why. She started talking regular afterwards and laughing as normal with everyone else. It really hurt my feelings and made me question whether I can have friends at all.

That's one person with issues, chaku. It is possible that something you said hit too close to home, and that rather than deal with it she chose to ignore you. That has everything to do with her and her fears and nothing to do with you.

There are also people who are fickle and honestly don't realize the hurt they cause. Again, nothing to do with you.

Yes, some people are like that, but not all. Remember what I wrote a few posts ago? Don't take your feelings of self-worth from others. You'll only be on an emotional roller coaster if you do. I know how many people have been cruel to me in my life, including one who got me fired from a job so she could steal it. That was 1992. Then there is the woman who spread lies about me so she could turn her boyfriend (and a number of other people) against me since she did not want him to be friends with a gay person. Ironically, I was the one who set them up in the first place! It was hard on me because I had only been out of the closet for a year and a half and was still insecure about it. That was 1990. I still feel angry at them and others, but I don't let that interfere with the good relationships I have.

There are good people out there. When you are depressed, you replay the gloom and don't see the good. What possible motovation would I and others here have to lie about it? We've all encountered the good folks and the snakes. In fact, I am good to other people because people have been good to me. You, clearly, are good to your mother, and that has to come from somewhere. No matter how much wrongdoing you have seen, you have to know that some people are worth it, else you would not be on the Internet at all.

I know about how depression colors things because I have been there, and sometimes I still battle with depression since that how my OCD is wired. Actually, I feel fairly down today, but here I am posting. I have just eaten an Arabic meal of zatar, which I love, and once I sign off I am going to ride my exercise bike while rewatching an episode of Andromeda. After that, I will either correct papers for work or continue reading Vulcan's Glory, a Star Trek novel by D.C. Fontana. Science fiction is my quickest pick me up.

If I were you I would go back to the board and put the woman who hurt you on ignore. By virtue of sheer statistics, there have to be some good people on that board.

Are there any local support groups for depression or other issues you face? Check on line, with your prescribing physicians, or with a local hospital. There are also suicide hotlines and depression hotlines. If you need some numbers, just tell me and I'll post.

Any opportunities for volunteer work you believe in?

Remember something true about life: We're all in it together.

I'm really torn between trying to volunteer and staying home. I'm afraid of having to go out and deal with people because I hate it and it stresses me out really badly.

I want to be a kind person, but it seems like my brain and my body don't want to go out into the world and help people.

I'm so tired and afraid... I'm so afraid of leaving my house. I just want to hide away from everyone until I can die, but I want to be a kind person.

I guess I'm pretty mixed up about what I want. It is very, very stressful for me. The only thing that calms me down is hiding in my house.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GetUnconscious
:( I always have to explain so much to everyone. I have beliefs against medication, which is why I don't take it. I can explain it, but I'm so tired of explaining everything to everyone. I've been down this path too many times before trying to rationalize what I'm saying to others because they never understand me in the first place.

To put it simply, I believe the natural chemical balance inside my head is me. This natural balance creates who I am as a person good or bad. If I take medications to stop me being me, I see that as a form of suicide. Because, I would be killing who I am naturally as a person by drugging away my identity.

I believe I should only ever take medication if I become directly harmful to others or completely lose my connection to reality (hallucinations).

Otherwise, I see my depression, unhappiness, and even suicidal behavior as part of my identity. Without my identity, I would be nothing.

I can kind of relate to that. When I was 15/16 I was put on like four different kinds of medication; depression/anxiety/schizophrenia. I stopped taking teh tablets, I knew they weren't going to help. I also felt the same as you; that I didnt want my personality squashed by a pill. But recently (six years later) I have been considering it. Simply because I know now that they only thing they will supply for me is reliability. I wont get the urge to jump in front of a train again. I love life. Life is amazing. Life is beautiful and I have so much more to accomplish and witness.

Link to post
Share on other sites
To put it simply, I believe the natural chemical balance inside my head is me. This natural balance creates who I am as a person good or bad. If I take medications to stop me being me, I see that as a form of suicide. Because, I would be killing who I am naturally as a person by drugging away my identity.

Your neuro-chemical balance and uptake is already heavily influenced by external factors. The amount of sleep you're getting, early and recent socialisation experiences, any drugs and your diet will all affect your brain's development and chemical content. Perhaps this belief might explain some of your guilt? You seem to be identifying with your depression, which isn't healthy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mark from the OCD board

Hey there, chaku!

I'm glad that you are still posting. :)

Just sharing my own experience...

When I was at my OCD worst, I talked to my therapist about feeling suicidal and I did not end up in a hospital. (In fact, in some people with OCD, suicide can become one of the obsessions.)

Here's how I see medication. My real identity started getting lost because of whatever chemical imbalance that caused my OCD and depression. I had lost all desire to do the things that usually gave me pleasure. Medication brought back the real me since it allowed my brain to function properly again. On medication I still wrote (the way others still painted or created other forms of art), read, felt deeply about my interests, devoured science fiction, and did all the things I did when OCD/depression were not ruling me.

If I had, say, a problem with my liver that affected my health, I would take medication for it. Medication for depression or any other mental issue is the same: I am less healthy without the medication.

Last thing... Do what feels right to you. If you want to do volunteer work, by all means do it. Start off slow. Maybe volunteer work with small children or senior citizens would be less anxiety-provoking since they would be so grateful for your company that you would get a lot of positive energy from it. If you are not ready, then no problem. Don't ruminate over it. Do whatever you must to get better, and hold off on altruistic acts if that is what you need to do right now. Take care of yourself first.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is there any reason why someone should continue living when they do not want to at all?

I try to stay here for my family but I don't want to be here. It is very unfair for me to have to stay here for the rest of my life because everyone else wants me to stay. I'm 23 right now, if I was older it wouldn't be quite so bad because I'd know I would die soon.

What about what I want? And why are all of the best methods of suicide kept away from suicidal people? There are great, relatively painless, and relatively clean ways to die which the government has outlawed. Do I have to commit a terrible crime to be allowed to die painlessly and peacefully? Are these methods kept away from me so I will be punished to a excruciatingly painful death?

I don't want to burden anyone else. I don't want to make a mess. I don't want to have anyone else have to see my suicide and get traumatized. They let criminals die and even help them die... Why won't anyone let me die?

I need just enough help to where I can die cleanly and be the least amount of burden on anyone. All of the methods I've seen that are available involve hurting other people in one way or another. But, there are certain chemicals that would simply kill me and not do any harm to anyone else. Why can't I have them? I don't want people to have to clean up my dead body because of a gunshot. I don't want to have to bleed to death... It hurts and somebody has to clean it up!

I won't nothing more than death. A nice, peaceful, and clean death. No one will help me and all of my options are very violent and disturbing to everyone. :( I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to die more so than do any living thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is there any reason why someone should continue living when they do not want to at all?
You mentioned your family as one among them. Another might be almost everything and anybody which / who could benefit from your help. - This includes doing some job and paying taxes BTW.
And why are all of the best methods of suicide kept away from suicidal people?
The system is ashamed. They (or should it be "we" :shock: because even I, a ocean away, might be a part of it?) don't want to confess their (/our?) failure to lead you towards a reason to live, which will be proofed by your suicide.

Sorry, I'm the wrong person to ask, what's so great about life. I like certain food, drinks , my comfy warm bed and internet access. I also can enjoy reading a book, like certain views and feelings...

Saying something like "I'm looking forwards to eat chocolate pudding, while watching Star Trek" is as close to the meaning of life as I can think. I firmly believe my 90+ year old grandmother lived through her pre-final days, just not to miss tomorrow's dessert. She was a unlucky person; she already died during her soup.

Hey, I'm not pulling your leg here. I just don't like thinking as far and painfully as you're doing. Last time I went to school, I had a stunningly wise teacher, who reacted on "I don't know"s, replied to his questions by demanding people to think, until they feel a slight headache. I'm a frightened coward. I don't want to reach that point.

Have you tried reading Terry Pratchett's diskworld novells? - I like them.

When was the last time you ever laughed?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is there any reason why someone should continue living when they do not want to at all?
You mentioned your family as one among them. Another might be almost everything and anybody which / who could benefit from your help. - This includes doing some job and paying taxes BTW.
And why are all of the best methods of suicide kept away from suicidal people?
The system is ashamed. They (or should it be "we" :shock: because even I, a ocean away, might be a part of it?) don't want to confess their (/our?) failure to lead you towards a reason to live, which will be proofed by your suicide.

Sorry, I'm the wrong person to ask, what's so great about life. I like certain food, drinks , my comfy warm bed and internet access. I also can enjoy reading a book, like certain views and feelings...

Saying something like "I'm looking forwards to eat chocolate pudding, while watching Star Trek" is as close to the meaning of life as I can think. I firmly believe my 90+ year old grandmother lived through her pre-final days, just not to miss tomorrow's dessert. She was a unlucky person; she already died during her soup.

Hey, I'm not pulling your leg here. I just don't like thinking as far and painfully as you're doing. Last time I went to school, I had a stunningly wise teacher, who reacted on "I don't know"s, replied to his questions by demanding people to think, until they feel a slight headache. I'm a frightened coward. I don't want to reach that point.

Have you tried reading Terry Pratchett's diskworld novells? - I like them.

When was the last time you ever laughed?

You see, I don't want to get a job. I don't want to pay taxes. I don't want to be here at all on this planet. I want to die, plain and simple. Yet no one will help me and people restrict access to fair and humane ways for me to end my life.

I agree that aside from hurting my family (which are all also on disability by the way) it would be best if I end my life. I wouldn't be taking anymore "tax money" for my disability and people wouldn't need to be worried about me being a "waste of resources" anymore.

It hurts me to not be able to end my life in a humane way. All I can think about is getting a gun or sticking my neck on the train tracks. But, I DONT WANT anyone to have to clean up the mess. Why can't someone help me find a better way for everyone? I guess they just want me to suffer to punish me for not being like them.

What works for everyone else does not work for me. I'm not the kind of person that will be able to work a job I hate for the rest of my life because I already hate being alive. I've seen through the worthlessness of human relationships and don't want to have anymore relationships. I want to die, but I am disabled. I need help... Just as a bedridden person who wants to end their life may not be capable, I'm mostly housebound because of my issues and can't seem to do this on my own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyway, I'm sorry I started this topic everyone. It was completely pointless and a waste of everyone's time. There is no hope for me and I have pretty much nothing but hatred for this world and myself. My beliefs are worthless because I can't stop hating everything enough to bother living them.

I keep reaching out to people because for some horrible reason I'm not dead yet. I just wish I would have died a long time ago. None of this would be here. I wouldn't have wasted anyone's time here and I wouldn't have suffered through these past 8 years of wanting to kill myself.

Why can't I have the strength that people who commit suicide do?

Like I said... I'm sorry... I'm completely hopeless and can't even stay on topic because being dead would solve my issue with sexuality completely.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mark from the OCD board

Hey, chaku.

I'd like to reprint something that Busrider wrote because it is excellent.

The system is ashamed. They (or should it be "we" :shock: because even I, a ocean away, might be a part of it?) don't want to confess their (/our?) failure to lead you towards a reason to live, which will be proofed by your suicide.

Traditional cultures have always had ways of helping people in their extended family and friendship circles, and the loneliness many feel today comes from the insane, impersonal way we live--the wealth of some and the poverty (both physical and emotional) of so many others. Modern society fails to provide for many of its members and does not even try to understand them. That's why this board exists: Asexuals come together to help each other despite what society says. And for that, I have tremendous respect for asexuals who stand up for who they are. That is also why I am vocal about being a gay sexual and having OCD; I will not be marginalized and will not allow my people to be. Similarly, you are expressing yourself openly and honestly, and I respect that.

I don't deny that you are going through a hard time, and I don't deny that there have been cruel people in your life. What I see, though, is your assumption that everything will always be bad, that you will never have a job you like, that no one cares. That is your depression talking. I know how real it must feel, for as an OCD person I, too, have to struggle with depression. The truth, though, is that you cannot predict the future. You have no magic wand that can create a fairy tale life, but there is also no anti-wand that will create a hellish life. Recovery is a step by step process, not an instantaneous one. And there are many people, some who have suffered the way you have and others who simply care, worth knowing.

It's O.K. if you are so angry that you don't want to see anyone now. Depression is anger turned inward because you cannot "get back at" the person who angered you. You are human, man.

It's O.K. to have a disability. It's O.K. for you to be on disability. Why wouldn't it be? Our society likes to label people's worth by how much they make, but that is nonsense. Some of the nastiest people make good money, and some of the kindest people who do a lot to help others make very little. If you spent the rest of your life on disability but, when you felt better, did a few kind things for people, you would be ten times better than a Donald Trump. And I would rather have you for a friend than The Donald.

I think you are a strong person for coming this far despite the issues that bother you. I think you would have already committed suicide if you were weaker, not stronger.

You don't have to apologize for this topic, and you are not wasting anyone's time. How could you waste people's time when everyone posting here chose to do so? Again, you are human, and humans reach out to other humans.

Keep posting as much as you wish.

So, what does chaku mean? Is it a nickname or a character?

I am a big science fiction fan and comic books reader. And you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Why can't I have the strength that people who commit suicide do?" Hey, Chaku, strong people do not commit suicide. Weak people commit suicide, okay? You need to be strong and you need to face your problems and get help. People obviously care about you enough to answer your messages. We care and we want you got seek assistance for your issues. People have suggestesd you might seek help. Maybe that would be a good idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...