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why me, why can´t I just be like most people (rant)


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tiredandconfused

I dont want to be aroace, but I probaly am, I dont want to accept it. Its not even like I didnt have any time to accept it, I have known for years, ever since I first heard the term asexual. At first I was okay with it, it was just sex, right? I could still fall in love, right? I could experience what the movies portrayed as the best experience youll ever have. No I probaly never can. But okay okay, I can still feel sexual pleasure. No of course not, because stupid me doesnt even have a libido. What about friendship cuddles? No, I dont have any close friends, I mean I do have friends but I dont have a best friend, I dont have friends that I would feel comfortable talking to about my issues, I dont have friends that I could cuddle with, that I could ask to hug me. I feel so unhuman, I am pathetic. I dont want to be this way. I want to have a girlfriend, I think I do at leat. The Idea sounds so nice, with sex, kisses and everything. But I know that I probably just want to want it, because ideas and reality are so fucking different. Maybe I am just a late bloomer, maybe I will fall in love when I am in my twenties? Maybe I will start to have a sex drive? Maybe everything will just change and I wont have to accept the fact that I feel wrong even if there is no right. I want to live in denial because the I can still hold onto the very thin string of hope that has held me for so long already, that saves me from falling into the unkown, I know that its tearing but maybe itll hold long enough. Long enough for me to grow my hair out, cut it and make a rope to hold me instead. 

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MarRister

Just because you don't have these friends now, doesn't mean you can't make these friends going forward or can't develop the friendships you have now. And many people don't fall in love until their 20's, it may be later than the average but there is nothing wrong with that. I was questioning being asexual up until 27ish and then figured out I was not, and could enjoy sex despite my low libido. I'm nearly 30 now, and have still never been in love or a serious relationship, though I had few doubts that I could be capable of being in love in a romantic sense. I have had endless doubts that I would be capable of being in a relationship though, still do have doubts. 

 

The thing that really got me into thinking I could be sexual was a great friend group I happened to fall into, who accepted me no matter what, but were also very open and diverse in their own sexualities. I figured out I just had some bad ideas around sex and men and they were getting in my way of going after what I wanted, so took me some years to work through those. I had to get rid of what society and my childhood taught me was sex, sexuality, and relationships, and figure out what these things meant to me personally. 

 

It may be you find you are aro ace, and there is nothing wrong with that, but none of this has to be figured out right away. Life is a process and these things take time. A lot can change when you are young.

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I understand. I felt much the same when I was your age. The loneliness and desire for companionship can be difficult to deal with at times. But so long as you focus on other things in your life, you can get by. And it does get easier.

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tiredandconfused
8 hours ago, MarRister said:

Just because you don't have these friends now, doesn't mean you can't make these friends going forward or can't develop the friendships you have now. And many people don't fall in love until their 20's, it may be later than the average but there is nothing wrong with that. I was questioning being asexual up until 27ish and then figured out I was not, and could enjoy sex despite my low libido. I'm nearly 30 now, and have still never been in love or a serious relationship, though I had few doubts that I could be capable of being in love in a romantic sense. I have had endless doubts that I would be capable of being in a relationship though, still do have doubts. 

I think the friendship thing is mainly a me problem, because I am just scared to open up and make those connections. Those friends are the closest friends I had al my life but they are not close. I get so jelous when one of them told me that they were meeting their 4 close friends that they met on discord and that they talk about evrything with. I dont even know if I am capable of those friendsships, so I tell myself its better to be alone. I know that is something I should work on but I dont know how. Why make these connections when theyll have forgotten me in the next two years? 

 

I never really thought about sex as necessary, In my friend group I think that I might even be the most sex positive person, I dont even think I ever wanted a relationship, I think that I just want to want it but I know that I cant force myself to want anything. At this point I dont think that I want anything exept to run away from my life, to let everything just go and never see anyone again.

 

Still I hope that I am allo, I hope the memory of me kissing my friend in elementary school  and declaring her my wife is true, I hope that I meant it in at least a romantic way (if this even ever happened). But then again the label aroace fits just perfectly, going through threads about what other asexuals and aromantics experience is just so relatable. It feel true and I dont like it.

 

I so much hope that I can just wake up one day and at least be randomly horny or that I see a person (hopefully a girl, because I feel repulsed by the idea of men) and just feel at least some romantic or sexual attraction. 

 

But then again, its very likely that none of that will happen (or it will happen very late) and then I just have to live in a mixture of whatever is going on in my mind right now and other problems that are going to come.

I dont know anything and its so exhausting.

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MarRister
8 hours ago, tiredandconfused said:

I think the friendship thing is mainly a me problem, because I am just scared to open up and make those connections. Those friends are the closest friends I had al my life but they are not close. I get so jelous when one of them told me that they were meeting their 4 close friends that they met on discord and that they talk about evrything with. I dont even know if I am capable of those friendsships, so I tell myself its better to be alone. I know that is something I should work on but I dont know how. Why make these connections when theyll have forgotten me in the next two years? 

I also have struggled with developing close relationships. I would often hold people at arms length and not truly let them in, and I still do to some extent, but not like I used to. I even had my own brother tell me once he felt he didn't know me even though we grew up together and are only 2 years apart in age. I would also get envious seeing other people's really close friendships and wished I could have the same, but couldn't figure out how to make that happen. It is terrifying to be vulnerable with people. It is not easy getting over those fears enough to make close friends. It is a one step at a time kind of thing though. You can't expect yourself to just wake up one day with a whole new fearless way of approaching the world. It takes time and effort to work on these things. If you feel you are socially anxious you could try talking to a therapist to try and get advice on how to work through that. I think everyone is capable of good friendships, but it is something learned. Some people seem to learn it quicker than others, but I believe everyone is capable of learning it even if it takes them longer. 

 

Why do you think the connections will have forgotten you in 2 years? Why can't some of the connections end up being long term ones? Also, is there anything inherently wrong with short term but meaningful connections? It might feel like wasted effort to you now, but if they are a positive in your life, I can only see that as beneficial even if they are short term. Do you forget friends you had after 2 years? 

 

8 hours ago, tiredandconfused said:

I so much hope that I can just wake up one day and at least be randomly horny or that I see a person (hopefully a girl, because I feel repulsed by the idea of men) and just feel at least some romantic or sexual attraction. 

If you actually are sexual, this isn't a wake up one day kind of thing. It can take great time and effort to explore sexuality, hoping for this is setting yourself up for disappointment. But if you keep asking the questions and keep moving forward you will find clarity in whatever your sexuality may be, but it certainly won't just happen one day. Don't base your sexuality on other people's experiences, base it on your own inner thoughts and feelings. Sometimes other people's experiences can guide you, but it still has to come from within. I could identify with all sorts of experiences on here, and so can a lot of sexuals, we aren't as different as we sometimes feel. 

 

8 hours ago, tiredandconfused said:

At this point I dont think that I want anything exept to run away from my life, to let everything just go and never see anyone again.

This sounds like a defense mechanism due to your fears. It is far easier to hide yourself away than to try and put yourself out there. But what feels comfortable/safe is not necessarily rewarding or what is best for you. It sounds like you really do want real connections with people, but you are just scared of what that entails. It is fine to be scared, but recognize that fear and do your best to push back a little bit at a time. Every time you push back and find out you can, then it slowly becomes easier. Start small and go from there. Just remember you need to give vulnerability and openness to get vulnerability and openness in return; it is a two way street. 

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tiredandconfused
42 minutes ago, MarRister said:

This sounds like a defense mechanism due to your fears. It is far easier to hide yourself away than to try and put yourself out there. But what feels comfortable/safe is not necessarily rewarding or what is best for you. It sounds like you really do want real connections with people, but you are just scared of what that entails. It is fine to be scared, but recognize that fear and do your best to push back a little bit at a time. Every time you push back and find out you can, then it slowly becomes easier. Start small and go from there. Just remember you need to give vulnerability and openness to get vulnerability and openness in return; it is a two way street. 

I guess I learnt that I had to be strong and hide myself. I dont know why exaclty but I remember crying a lot as a child, now I try to hold back my tears, cry silently and act like nothing ever happened. You are right, I am scared of being vulnerable, but I will try to work on opening up. Little by little, step by step and one day ill be able to cry in front of people again without feeling like I have to hide it. Thank you. 

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MarRister
1 hour ago, tiredandconfused said:

I guess I learnt that I had to be strong and hide myself. I dont know why exaclty but I remember crying a lot as a child, now I try to hold back my tears, cry silently and act like nothing ever happened. You are right, I am scared of being vulnerable, but I will try to work on opening up. Little by little, step by step and one day ill be able to cry in front of people again without feeling like I have to hide it.

I understand those feelings all too well. I am working on the whole showing emotion without shame or fear thing myself. I wish you all the strength (that undoubtedly you already possess) to make those connections happen for yourself. :) 

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