How has being asexual/non-sexual shaped your life?

[EarthAngel]

Hello everyone, I may be going out on a limb here, but it makes sense that sharing our struggles helps those who read them, and I, for one, am new to all this, although I suffered with this all my life.

I was thinking the other night how much my non-sexuality has affected and shaped my life, and the person I am today and wondered if anyone else feels the same way. So, here goes…

All my life I have felt left out, and consequently become a loner, of sorts. I am, by nature, an introvert, and this seems to have contributed to the extent of my isolation. I was always the odd person out, the third wheel, the girl standing alone in the corner, which caused me to retreat inward. As a result, I have developed a very rich inner life and a deep spirituality, and cultivated written communication skills, as well as a deeper than most ability to “feel” others feelings. Spent my summers reading the dictionaries and encyclopedias and writing poetry (I know that’s sad), but that’s how left out I was, (even a s child). That song by Janice Ian comes to mind, “At Seventeen.”

In terms of opposite gender relationships, I’ve had a few, all of which have ended quite quickly due to my “prudishness,” which I hid for many years behind the guise of religious necessity. While everyone was marveling at my “self-control,” I was secretly wondering what all the fuss was about, as there was virtually nothing to control.

Now, as a “mature” (and I use that term loosely) adult, I find that I have grown into a hyper-responsible, introspective, serious (I can be funny when I feel comfortable with a person), self-sufficient, pragmatic and intensely private person, although I have a very creative and idealistic side too. Men, what would I need them for? (sorry guys) I have lots of guy friends, it’s just near impossible to find one that’s like me who doesn’t want sex. And, quite frankly, that is the least of my concerns.

Fitting into the social setting is still quite a challenge for me, too; at my age, people are already married and growing families, and I am still single. People still ask me “what’s wrong with you, don’t you want to get married and have children?” To that I say, no way! (Why, so I can get stretch marks and gain weight that’s hard if not impossible to lose, not to mention mess up my hormones? NO thank you! Plus, you have to have sex to do it, which I am not about to do. Yuck!) And then you become responsible for another life for a lifetime. Well, I have enough challenges of my own right now just trying to deal with health issues and the loss of my Dad, and supporting my brothers through all of this. People call me selfish, but I don’t care. Maybe I am; so what? Or, maybe I’m just smart enough to know that kind of life is not for me…wish more people were. But I won’t go there.

So, there, in a nutshell is how my non-sexuality has shaped the person I have become. I personally think it has been a good thing, in most ways. Although the path has been fraught with loneliness and isolation, it has made me the person I am today, and I’m fine with that. It would have been nice to have grown up with a little support and understanding, though. Unfortunately, I missed out on that.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention one other very important thing…it has expanded my horizons and has engendered more compassion in me towards others, and especially those who live alternative sexual lifestyles (even if they don’t accept mine). I don’t feel that I can totally relate to them because to me a-sexuality is not a form of sexuality, it is non-sexuality (my preferred term), anti-sexuality, but I certainly know how it feels to be “different,” and be ostracized and judged for that.

This has made me a stronger person for living through it, which, at times, was pretty challenging. Wanted to deep-six it more than once, but I persevered, and here I am. Not being preoccupied with sex sure frees up your mind and your time for other, dare I say, more important endeavors!

It’s a true blessing to be a part of this community, which has given me a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. Thanks for reading. Hope you share your stories too.

EarthAngel

[cijay]

I think I could pretty well echo what you said except the being left out didn't leave me withdrawing - that had happened earlier. More what it did was gave me the freedom to get out and do my own thing without anyone really giving a shit what I was doing or even noticing I was gone! I did have my one best friend (still IS my best friend) when I was a kid but when we moved to opposite ends of the city, we didn't see each other as much - but still enjoyed out times together.

Reading dictionaries/encyclopedias may sound boring but is there anything more boring than being 3rd or 5th wheel? And that phony 'where did you get to? We missed you!' the next day. Bullshit, you didn't miss me, you were too busy sucking each others' faces to miss me.

A lot of people find they turned to books and writing and the like because they were lonely as kids but I found it the opposite. I spent just as much time alone but I went EVERYwhere! Then, as I got older, my trips involved more than the zoo, walking around downtown or going on short jaunts to Calgary for the weekend and I just LOVE travelling by myself. I don't mind travelling with other people either but as long as we do our own thing for part of the time.

Even when I was quite young, I recognised that I could lead a miserable existence waiting for someone to come along who would enjoy the same things as me...or I could get out there and have a fun life that ws more a party for one with a few visitors every now and again. Even by the time I was 10 or 12 I recognised that it was entirely my decision which I wanted to do. When hard things happened, I learned to deal with them without anyone bailing me out - there was nobody. (If it got REALLY hard there was my mother but it had to be really hard to ask).

There were a few times I could've used a bit of support - I went 16 years or so figuring I was a bit insane before I found out I was epileptic and had endometriosis - so I coulda' used some mom-support for that but it didn't happen.

I recognised to not blame the world for everything that went wrong. The way I am and feel is mostly from inside, not by someone else's opinions or actions. Yes I was left alone and didn't fit in because I was 'insane' and wierd...but it was MY choice as to what I was going to do in the fallout.

I don't believe that I have stayed free and childless because I'm selfish but I do believe I am selfish BECAUSE I have stayed free and childless. How could one NOT be? I had 20 years of living on my own, spending the money I made on trips and helping the poor and not diapers and little league. I have had fun doing things and going places while my peers were changing diapers, at recorder concerts, graduations and socking their money away for their kids to go to another city and drink beer for 4 years. This is the life they chose, I'm not going to call THEM selfish.

Mostly, people tell me I'm lucky for the life I live. I don't believe it's luck. There have been bumps and snags and I haven't come through it smelling like a rose but I have come through it.

Am I going to die with no kids to bury me? Well, if they put it that way I am...but what will I care? I'm dead.

[Nalle Neversure]

I have been thinking about same kinds of things...

When i was little girl i was a bit less introvert, as far as i can remember.

But when others started to became sexual beings (puberty, that is) i kind of isolated...

As a result, I have developed a very rich inner life and a deep spirituality, and cultivated written communication skills, as well as a deeper than most ability to “feel” others feelings.

Sounds so much like my spare time (except that spirituality). I was also bullied at primary school (6 years) so rich inner life was the thing that saved me.

I have never really grown up (i'm 21, i still have time, i know). I recently started thinking that maybe it's because wearing childish clothes and loving teddy-bears makes other people (and me) forget that i should be interested in sexual things (whatever those are :? ). And i never ever had skirts or dresses and many people called me a boy. No gender meant no sexuality to me (although i didn't know that when i was 10 or 12 years old.)

Now, after finding my "home" here at AVEN, i've started to open up a bit... And i still act like a 5-year-old girl, but that happens only once or twice a week. And i have bought some skirts that actually make me look a real girly girl (not a woman, that would be too much too soon :D ). And i actually like being my new me.

I may be over-diagnosing myself, i have bad habit of doing that. But i can't find any other reasons (well, not as big reasons) for my "complete make-over" that has been happening over the past year...

I'm not planning to grow up, no way. I just want to be happy being me!

-Laura

[EarthAngel]

Cijay,

That's great that you were able to go out and explore. That may have been an option for me if I didn't have siblings to care for and a Dad that worked so hard, he was out of town quite often, and a birth mother that cared more about her alcohol than anything else. I ADMIRE adventurers, but its sad that you didn't get the support you needed. (I'm glad you're here now.) You sound like an incredibly strong person, and I really respect that.

All in all, its a double-edged sword I think. We do the best we can with what we have at the time.

There were a few times I could've used a bit of support

-Support and nurturing would have been nice, for all of us.

Nalle,

Sounds like you and I have some things in common too.

I have never really grown up (i'm 21, i still have time, i know). I recently started thinking that maybe it's because wearing childish clothes and loving teddy-bears makes other people (and me) forget that i should be interested in sexual things (whatever those are ).

I was bullied too. I also love teddy bears and have quite a collection. But, I am actually an extremely feminine person, although its taken me years to feel comfortable with it. (Go figure!)

I'm not planning to grow up, no way. I just want to be happy being me!

- I'm right there with you! :)

So glad to hear from both of you. Thanks.

EarthAngel

[Aventually]

Wow, Cijay--epilepsy and endometriosis are what made me asexual! Not to mention the last creep I dated...lol. I had brain surgery to remove a hemorraghing lesion that was causing up to a dozen seizures a day, and that killed most of the sex drive. You know how they say sex begins in the brain? Well, it's true. And what little was left (the libido, not the brain, tho sometimes I wonder :shock:), disappeared sixteen months later, after a total abdominal hysterectomy, necessitated by endometriosis.

It was actually a blessing, and an answer to prayer. I used to pray that God either send me the right man or take away my sexual desire, as it was only torturing me. I was actually oversexed for most of my sexual life, even treated for sexual addiction!

So, yes, being asexual is a great relief for me, esp. since I like being alone. And oh, I was tormented by bullies as a child ("Fatty, fatty, two by four...!"), read the dictionary for fun, and ended up as a spelling champion and a writer!

For a long time, I thought I was a misfit even here on this site, as I wasn't born this way. But I seem to have a lot in common with some of you! I consider it a rebirth. Hey--my name, "Renee'", literally means "reborn" in French! :D

[treetopteresa]

Wow Earth Angel all I can say is Deja Vu! Except that my dad was never home; he spent all his time at work (either working or partying). When he came home we did our best to avoid him. Thanks to him I'm distrustful of men and my brother has anger management problems. I hated being a fifth wheel. I didn't grow up (emotionally until I was in my late 20's). My mother tried to work hours that kept her away from home when my dad was home. I've done my best to block out my teenage years; they were that rough. I like living alone; I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and I don't have to explain how and where I spend my money. By the way; I also collect teddy bears! The only family I take care of right now is my pets.

[cijay]

Cijay,

That's great that you were able to go out and explore. That may have been an option for me if I didn't have siblings to care for and a Dad that worked so hard, he was out of town quite often, and a birth mother that cared more about her alcohol than anything else.

I think you're right, I was lucky because I only had to bother with a parent from 6-9 every night - that's probably another reason I don't like behing dictated to. I know I ALWAYS resented it when my dad was home because he just simply wasn't supposed to be there. We'd do fine without him LOL.

All in all, its a double-edged sword I think. We do the best we can with what we have at the time.

And how we choose to let it affect us later on. Gaining independance (and I mean REAL independance - not only being alone but having your own mind, making your own decisions etc) is a great blessing.

It was actually a blessing, and an answer to prayer. I used to pray that God either send me the right man or take away my sexual desire, as it was only torturing me. I was actually oversexed for most of my sexual life, even treated for sexual addiction!

I never asked for the man and didn't have a sexual desire to pray to take away but I agree that the hyst was an answer to a prayer. And God does indeed listen!

[Jake]

Being this way has really hurt my self-esteem and self-confidence. I have no choice but to be a loner because I do not fit in. I struggle with making simple conversation with people. I even struggle during family get togethers, I usually spend my time playing with the animals. I really hate it when I go to the events and my nephews/nieces bring their boyfriends/girlfriends. Its really sad to see my nephews/nieces pass me by.

[cijay]

Wow, Cijay--epilepsy and endometriosis are what made me asexual!

I missed this last year. Uh, no, this was not what I was saying, obviously our situations are quite different. I don't believe anything 'made' me asexual. I believe I was asexual when I arrived.

Being this way has really hurt my self-esteem and self-confidence. I have no choice but to be a loner because I do not fit in. I struggle with making simple conversation with people. I even struggle during family get togethers, I usually spend my time playing with the animals. I really hate it when I go to the events and my nephews/nieces bring their boyfriends/girlfriends. Its really sad to see my nephews/nieces pass me by.

You do have a choice and you made it. It's in your hands because other people can't control you unless you let them. I didn't fit in, I couldn't converse with people and for years and years I struggled at family get togethers because once there are more than two other people in the room I become invisible. I love animals, too and when I'm upset, that's the first thing I do is go somewhere there is animals. So, I had/have all of that, the bashed self-esteem...and as for confidence ... I "hold my breath and plunge" before I do anything and sometimes I do some really stupid things. But I will not let people own me.

[tbird_energizerbunny]

Being an asexual is something that I've just always been. For the longest time, I tried to "find" out my sexuality, when I knew it was nonexistant the whole time.

But as for my being an asexual...it's been wonderful. Because I'm asexual, I have ironically, learned to love people in a deeper way. Instead of friendships I have relationships with people. Serious relationships, because I know I won't have that single most important person in my life, and that's okay. Love is such a wonderful thing, and I can't get enough of it.

[BaronTheCat]

I can relate to being a loner and the odd person out, and as with Laura, this started at puberty. That was when I realized I was different (and when others realized that about me). For teenagers, sex and being sexually attractive is such an important thing... :(

[Angelica Soprano]

Hello everyone, I may be going out on a limb here, but it makes sense that sharing our struggles helps those who read them, and I, for one, am new to all this, although I suffered with this all my life.

<Large snip>

It’s a true blessing to be a part of this community, which has given me a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. Thanks for reading. Hope you share your stories too.

EarthAngel

Thanks for describing my life, it saved me a lot of writing. :)

Other than I'm an extrovert, and have no trouble telling the sexual chimps to 'get lost!' - life has been very similar. Welcome to the 'Strange One's Morning Club.' :)

[jcortese]

The only things I really think it's done are:

1) It's made me more self-sufficient, and very unlikely to assume that ANYONE will be there to help me. My first instinct when something goes wrong is to work it out myself, and I think that's because it's never occurred to me that there will be someone else I can rely on. I still feel that way.

2) It's made me incredibly feminist, in the classical sense, not the "I'm so feminist I can CHOOSE to get breast implants so there neener!" way. I see a lot of women who talk the talk real good who turn around and cave the second it looks like it's impacting their likelihood of getting laid. They are SO DRIVEN to get a dick shoved up them that they literally will and do flush their self-respect straight down the toilet to do it. The drive to copulate is so strong in them that it overcomes and dissolves any supposed devotion to women's causes, because it would get in the way of the almighty Boyfriend or Husband who is "such a saint!" for putting up with their trivial stupid little hobbies like, oh caring about half the planet.

Sorry, but sexual women really piss me off sometimes. That freaky addiction to getting something stuck up you is what's kept women down for the last million years, and it's why women are going to be kept down for the next million. Because women KEEP THEMSELVES down there out of threat of losing access to penises. (As if men would ever be capable of withholding sex! "Lysistrata" only works one way.)

So that's probably been a big impact on me; my hyposexuality/asexuality means the complete and total absence of any reason to cave in on my self-esteem and ambitions. It's given me the freedom to be myself, whole and entire, while my brain goes as fast as it wants, I study whatever I want, I meet and learn whoever and whatever I want, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

If someone invented a pill that would "cure" TLE and the attendant hyposexuality it brings, I'd wonder why the rest of the world wasn't busily pursuing a pill that would "cure" their neurotypicality and druglike dependency on rubbing a couple body parts together and squirting stuff at one another, and give them a mind and a life like the one I've had.

Snobby, but it's the truth. *shrugs*

[< retired >]

...People still ask me “what’s wrong with you, don’t you want to get married and have children?” To that I say, no way!

Every way of life has advantages and disadvantages. The problem is that the (often religion inspired) marketing literature for the conventional dream of marriage & children fails to mention the disadvantages (potential as well as actual), leaving spouses/parents woefully unprepared for what awaits. It's a shame that humans sexually mature so young - 35 or 40 would be much better.

[Sally]

Apologies if this seems redundant, but I don't think my reply "took."

What I said was that I don't think sexual women are addicted to having something stuck up them; they simply want security, and sex is the coin that has traditionally given them security. We are biological creatures; women have children and need security to raise them; men want to spread their genes around so are attracted to what looks like the best seed pod. I've known a lot of sexual women in my long life and since women talk pretty honestly with each other, I know the majority of them were not sex freaks, by any means. In fact, as they got older, they were just tired of it. The men were a different matter. We can't blame all sexual women for the needs/behavior of a few sex addicts.

[Angelica Soprano]

The only things I really think it's done are:

1) It's made me more self-sufficient, and very unlikely to assume that ANYONE will be there to help me. My first instinct when something goes wrong is to work it out myself, and I think that's because it's never occurred to me that there will be someone else I can rely on. I still feel that way.

<Even larger snip>

If someone invented a pill that would "cure" TLE and the attendant hyposexuality it brings, I'd wonder why the rest of the world wasn't busily pursuing a pill that would "cure" their neurotypicality and druglike dependency on rubbing a couple body parts together and squirting stuff at one another, and give them a mind and a life like the one I've had.

Snobby, but it's the truth. *shrugs*

Sometimes I read a great post, and this is it! Women are the way they are from 1000's of years of religious mysogenistic bullying, but it sure is time they learnt how to snap off a few erect dicks!

Amuses me when men accuse me of penis envy, (usually after refusing some lame sexual advance) - because I want the very freedoms they have! I answer with - If I had that ugly appendage, I'd stick it in the blender!

Women are their own worst enemy, and really need to drag themselves out of the Fred Flintstone Age!

[Lucinda]

... but it sure is time they learnt how to snap off a few erect dicks!

... I answer with - If I had that ugly appendage, I'd stick it in the blender!

:o

Your Mel Gibson look-alike was last seen running out of the building.

[Loki]

In terms of opposite gender relationships, I’ve had a few, all of which have ended quite quickly due to my “prudishness,” which I hid for many years behind the guise of religious necessity. While everyone was marveling at my “self-control,” I was secretly wondering what all the fuss was about, as there was virtually nothing to control.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention one other very important thing…it has expanded my horizons and has engendered more compassion in me towards others, and especially those who live alternative sexual lifestyles (even if they don’t accept mine). I don’t feel that I can totally relate to them because to me a-sexuality is not a form of sexuality, it is non-sexuality (my preferred term), anti-sexuality, but I certainly know how it feels to be “different,” and be ostracized and judged for that.

Those two pretty much summarizes what I am going through with others When I first got in college, it was my real first exposure to variety of people and in turn it made me accept myself for who I am in some sense however it was AVEN that put the last piece of puzzle as I always thought I was the only one that was "broken" and its made me more confident in myself as a whole. Its just the knowledge that I am not alone for what I am.

It has not isolated myself from others, though when growing up. When I look back my childhood- I was either exploring in the woods/lake alone or chatting/playing away with friends.

Cheers and EarthAngel, the post was well written.

[lotuschani]

Hello everyone, I may be going out on a limb here, but it makes sense that sharing our struggles helps those who read them, and I, for one, am new to all this, although I suffered with this all my life.

I was thinking the other night how much my non-sexuality has affected and shaped my life, and the person I am today and wondered if anyone else feels the same way. So, here goes…

All my life I have felt left out, and consequently become a loner, of sorts. I am, by nature, an introvert, and this seems to have contributed to the extent of my isolation. I was always the odd person out, the third wheel, the girl standing alone in the corner, which caused me to retreat inward. As a result, I have developed a very rich inner life and a deep spirituality, and cultivated written communication skills, as well as a deeper than most ability to “feel” others feelings. Spent my summers reading the dictionaries and encyclopedias and writing poetry (I know that’s sad), but that’s how left out I was, (even a s child). That song by Janice Ian comes to mind, “At Seventeen.”

...snip snip...

It’s a true blessing to be a part of this community, which has given me a sense of belonging for the first time in my life. Thanks for reading. Hope you share your stories too.

EarthAngel

I could have written this post, too, although perhaps not as articulately. It does have a way of isolating us. Now that I am getting older, I still have the hopes of finding someone who will be my life partner, someone I can count on as I get older. Perhaps that's the only significant difference is that I do want that. It's not simply an emotional issue - but a practical one as well.

[KAGU143]

I hear what you are saying, lotuschani.

It can be very hard to survive on a single income.

Welcome to AVEN!

We traditionally serve cake when we welcome our newcomers, so let me be the first to offer you some, and a beverage too, of course!

-GB

[Guest EGD]

deleted... sorry....

[SorryNotSorry]

One thing I've learned from being A is that sex is not the solution to every problem.

[Sally]

Sex indeed IS a problem, when you don't want it and everyone else seems to.

[Islander9]

It is really neat coming back to AVEN and catching up with threads like this one!

Excellent initial post and truly considered responses (hi Cijay! Did you ever get the packet I sent you with thanks for your video??

Please pm if not-)

Just a couple of comments: I always felt - from the time I could think about this - a natural-born fringe-dweller

I didnt feel so much isolated (you cant, in my kind of large family!) as different & out of the normal swim. Which

feeling intensified came adolescence...

Because of family support and encouragement (paticularly from my mother) I just went & did what I felt like.

Tobacco-picking? Check. Law student? Been there. Tv director? Yep. Fishnchip cook? Bloody good one. Etcetera etcetera.

I didnt realise for -nearly 3 decades!- that I was walking a quite traditional writer's path.

Reading? LOVED it! (nearly all the family group - whanau- are omnivorous readers.) Dictionaries & encyclopaedias?

Naturally! Then I started to experiment with rather more than my school magazine publications, poetry, and short stories...

well, it's a long long way & time since then - anyone feel/felt like this? keep on hanging on! It *can* work out, very well.

Having kids? Never an option (having no sex drive and knowing human mammalian structure early convinced me that parthenogenesis

wasnt a possibility) but I have been involved with bringing up children. One of humanity's most rewarding/heartbreaking/difficult/satisfying

annnd unrewarding tasks...

All best to us all-

[KAGU143]

It's good to see you around AVEN, Islander.

Seeing all of the things that you have accomplished makes me feel like a real nOOb at times.

And ... for some reason I find myself wanting to go walk along the beach and turn over the stones to see what might lurk beneath them ... :)

(This despite KNOWING that clams will squirt me in the eye if I look too closely!)

-GB

[anti-natalist]

I have endometriosis too but i've always been ace, perhaps a tad confused about my homo-aesthetic side before but that had to do with being young not not-yet-diagnosed. I haven’t had hysterectomy yet, been treating it for 5 years now, quite successfully.

I relate to what u all say. What makes us similar is our asexuality, and perhaps balance or completeness – that sexuals lack?

[UnicornLady]

I can't say it's "shaped my life" or been any kind of "struggle". It's just one small aspect of my life. I'm single, yes; but I might have been anyway. The only real struggles in my life have been re: employment and money, not sexual orientation. I'm happy with who and what I am, and have been for years.

[Solodancer1]

Made me nervous, cautious, single and childless. The good part is single. The rest just doesn't feel right to me.

Probably saved my life, kept me from getting AIDS. If sex did for me what some say it does for them I'd have done it twenty times a night and once or twice during the day until I died of whatever I got from it. I LOVED a good time. Sex wasn't generally a good time though -- it was mostly bad times, so I mostly refused.

[wingnut]

I'm trying to figure out why posts like jcortese's above make me sad. I don't know if a lot of women are desiring to have a dick shoved up inside them; and I'm not sure about whacking off guys erections. After talking with a lot of people about their sexual habits (or lack thereof) and the trouble and pain it has brought upon them, I think what has happened is that so many people have settled for a counterfeit. What almost everyone is looking for is deep relationship (not deep penetration as jcortese has written). But we have settled for the counterfeit, which is rampant, thoughtless sexual acting out, falsely assuming that's what "real relationship" is all about. I think something I am coming to see here is that a lot of the asexuals on this site are discovering, or have come to find out what we humans really want: depth of relationship, commitment, caring, true intimacy (not just a penis up the pipe). Being asexual has, in a way, been a gift that has shielded many of us from the cultural and madison avenue drubbing that everything has to be about sex. All of that drubbing is just causing so much depression and alienation in the general population--which is the opposite of what people really desire: authentic, meaningful, lasting relationships Because of that shielding, we have the prophetic message for the rest of the world that all the sexual stuff is just a lot of counterfeit whohaw; that there are some deeper and larger gains to be had than just having sex. I think we have a message that needs to be heard.