Older aces, how long have you known you were asexual?

[Southeastenjock]

I'm 55 and been in my current relationship for 20 years. Sex has never been the driving force if our relationship. Asexuality was mentioned in the last few weeks. I have done some research, some soul searching and have come to the conclusion I fit the definition of asexual. 

[MacabreMagpie]

I think I've flirted with the idea for 10 years or so since I first saw a documentary about it on Netflix, I related to aspects of it but never really believed it applied to me. I'm still not 100% sure but I've learned a bit more about some of the nuances and different types in recent months and I'm much more convinced now. 

[TeddyMiller]

I'm 63 now, and found out about asexuality when I was 47, but I had an idea before that about being different from other people.

[BlueHeart439]

Wow, a lot of relatable stuff here! 

 

Mostly RE: not understanding what the proper definition of "asexual" is.  Just . . . yeah, I didn't know what that was.  I'm embarrassed to say what I thought it meant.  Also brings me to my next point: I lived most of my life with undiagnosed Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that festered until it became a proper dissociative disorder.  So essentially: everything I learned about the world was basically not accurate for about 30 years.  I was born in 1981.

 

Early 30s, while I was in a live-in relationship that didn't last, is when it started to come into focus with a bit more clarity.  Didn't really get it completely sorted until about five years ago.  

 

Like a good millennial, I blame the sex education in school.  I was mostly raised by my mother, who was a textbook Baby Boomer™ and never would have been able to inform me about anything with regards to sexual preference.  I know that sounds bitter but I promise you, dearest reader, that I mean it with a very self-aware jest.  

 

Thanks everyone for posting and sharing.  Nice reminder that I'm a little less alone than I've always thought myself to be.  Hoping those friends facing the difficult situation of having to tell a partner find the peaceful resolution that they deserve.💙👋

[HelpImLost]

I’m 40 and figured it out this last year when my husband though I was cheating on him.  He thought I must be filling sexual needs elsewhere since I didn’t want it from him. It was all very earth shattering because we have a close and nice relationship. But he lacks communication 🤣

we are working it out and have come a long way in communicating. 

 

I only heard the word asexual as I was looking for a way to ‘fix my broken sex drive’. I’ve never been so relieved. Everything clicked into place. 
I even pulled out my old journals to look at the way I wrote about all the relationships I went through. I wrote about sex as a task that was expected at a certain part of the relationship, and I’d hold out as long as I felt was socially acceptable. And then I would write about ending things because I needed space. 
I felt so obligated to uphold societal expectations. My family pressure to ‘find someone’ didn’t help. 
 

I have a bit of resentment about it all. But I’m moving forward and my husband is very supportive, we are finding ways to compromise. And my therapist is gold! 
 

[sexlessbychoice]

Before I got married I always assumed I was a very sexual person as I frequently masturbated.  But, I was a virgin and had little dating experience.  While dating, we were quite sexual and both of us appeared to really enjoy it.  However after marriage my wife seemed to loose interest fast.  At first I found it frustrating - there was sex but it was very infrequent - certainly less than the 10 times per year talked about in the definition of sexless marriage.  After we were done having kids it dropped further.  But when we stopped, e.g. no sex at all - and my wife made it clear that she had zero sex drive but loved romantic emotional connections, kissing cuddling etc. together but with private solo masturbation - I realized that is what I wanted too.  We both love intimacy, but for us intimacy does not include sex.

[NHD]

Less than a month.

[daylily]

I was around 42. Suspected it when I was navigating getting a divorce. I imagine I googled something to the effect of "I hate sex" and was directed to stuff about asexuality. In high school, I assumed I was just nervous and that is why I wasn't attracted to even a person who I most certainly loved at age 17. 

[simpleminded90]

About 2 months ago aged 52 and I am amazed that I did not know earlier

[will123]

1 hour ago, simpleminded90 said:

About 2 months ago aged 52 and I am amazed that I did not know earlier

Welcome to AVEN!  I didn't find out until I was 44.

[MidnightStar]

A year ago at age 35. Sex was causing so many problems In my marriage. I avoided it and my husband was super frustrated and would be mad/sad at me for days if I turned him down. Resentment was building on both ends. I couldn’t figure out why I was turning him down all the time other than ‘I just don’t want to’ and the times I said yes weren’t because I wanted to, it was because I was worried he’d be upset if I said no. 
 

then I found out the term asexual and my whole life made sense. I was having sex for nearly 20 years with multiple different people (I was kinda a whore in college) and it was always for the other persons benefit. So here I am. My husband has come a long way in a year. He says he accepts me and isn’t going anywhere, but I am still unsure what the future holds for us. We have young children so it’s extra complicated for us. If anyone is in a similar boat… married to an allo and trying to figure things out please msg me. I’d really like a friend 

[Ace_Reporter]

Honesty? Like 5 minutes, and I'm still not 150 percent sure, LOL.

For most of my life I thought I hadn't found the "right person." I thought I had a "very particular sub-type." (Try finding somebody who was the same place as me spiritually, also the same place as me politically or at least respectful/apolitical, who also likes big girls.) And I have a big aversion to "toxic masculinity" and am in terror of being stuck with the wrong guy.

 

Last week, I took another internet quiz, which suggested I'm "gray asexual." It's a term that I think fits. There's another term I don't quite remember that separates liking the IDEA of sex from actually doing it.

There is a guy on YouTube called AceDadAdvice that I've been watching a lot lately. Those of you navigating relationship issues may find his videos helpful.

 

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

I discovered the whole asexy world 11 years ago. Seems like a lot of time, but... was it yesterday?

I'm still in the wave, not knowing where I exactly fit and that's irrelevant, possibly irrelevant. 

[StratoChief]

Short answer: I realized I was asexual six years ago when I was 54.

 

Longer version: My wife and I divorced (amicably) almost 20 years ago. I always thought I’d take a bit of time by myself then start looking for a new relationship at some point, but some time after that I realized I’d been... celibate for almost a decade, including the last 5 or 6 years of marriage, hence the divorce 🙃. (And by 'celibate' I just mean the basic definition of not having partnered sex, not strict abstinence or self-denial, and with no religious or spiritual component.) I wasn’t shocked, more like mildly amused since it was pretty much unintentional. It became a little inside joke to myself, so with a smile I’d recognize occasions like 10 years of celibacy (then 11, 12, 13… now up to 25!), or another celibate birthday, or why can’t I have a slice of chocolate cake on Celibate Valentine’s? (I guess that should have been a clue.🍰) So I got more comfortable with it but it still didn’t quite cover exactly what I was feeling about staying single.

 

Over the same time the concept of asexuality was gaining a lot more visibility in the media, thanks to a LOT of hard work by a lot of smart and dedicated aces.  A number of articles would recommend the AVEN website as a valuable resource, so one day about six years ago I finally clicked the link. It took a while over a few sessions, but reading through the FAQ and associated materials got me started and helped me recognize a lot of things within myself. Reading peoples’ stories and opinions and experience and advice in the forums truly brought it home, how I’d always from a young age had that feeling that I was just a bit different, and maybe for the first time realized there were a lot of people like me, and unlike me, in various different ways, and that we were okay to be the way we are. So my celibacy and my comfort with it were the ‘what’ and my asexuality was the ‘why,’ so I'm keeping both labels!☺️

 

Maybe I still have a ways to go, I’m not out to any friends or family yet. Maybe I don't need to be. I’m very fortunate that no one has ever given me any pressure about not being partnered, could be they’ve figured me out as ace, or more likely they have a lot more important things going on in their lives.

[ashpenaz]

When I was in junior high, a girl asked me what I would do if I was in bed next to a naked woman and a Monopoly board. I said, "Play Monopoly." Had I had the terminology then, I would have known I was asexual. I vaguely identified as gay, but the difference between me and my gay friends is that they had sex ALL THE TIME. I never wanted it. I did enjoy cuddling though, and one of my best memories is when a male friend of mine and I fell asleep in each other's arms one night. It was about 10 years ago that I discovered the term "asexual." I've never had sex, and I've never wanted to--but I do have a libido. I'm beginning to be annoyed by asexual purists who see any level of sexual attraction, however faint and fleeting, as disqualifying--as if having sex with a woman disqualifies men from being gay.

 

I am not a "graysexual" anymore than someone who doesn't play golf but every now and then will pick up a set of clubs, think it over, and go, "Nah. Not worth the effort." I don't golf. I'm not a golfer. I don't have sex. I'm asexual.

 

I am a homoromantic cisgender asexual.

[keith1977]

For me it was in 2015 (I'm currently 45) as soon as I learnt that asexuality was a thing.

 

Before then I had no idea really, I knew I was attracted women and liked women aesthetically, enjoyed porn etc, but I guess there was something at the back of my mind that I didn't seem to like women the way my straight male friends did (never saw the point of hardcore... what's appealing about all the grunting and groaning... I want to see the pretty lady!). I did the whole self-questioning thing of wondering if I was just in denial and liked men, but nope. I even realised at one point that I was suffering from depression (and got help for that) but had no idea of the cause.

 

By pure luck, a good friend of mine commented in passing about his own love life that he was "probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum", and I had no idea what he was talking about. Not wanting to show ignorance I kept quiet, but once home I went online to find out what the word meant. What started as an attempt to be a good friend soon became a journey of self discovery as I read everything I could find on the topic in the course of a day, recognising myself in what I read, understanding more and more about situations I'd been in over the years, and feeling the depression lift entirely.

 

The funny thing, or the positive take depending on your perspective, is that while still not a prolific dater, I've probably dated more women in the last 6/7 years since discovering I was Ace than I had up until that point, in large part I suspect due to simply better understanding what I'd like from a relationship. Plus in the past I think I felt like I'd find a woman attractive in some way, eg aesthetically, mentally, emotionally, but I was half expecting some mythical sexual attraction that never came so I wouldn't say anything, or I'd wait a really long time, while now I know better.

 

 

[will123]

On 7/3/2022 at 7:47 PM, StratoChief said:

 

Maybe I still have a ways to go, I’m not out to any friends or family yet. Maybe I don't need to be. I’m very fortunate that no one has ever given me any pressure about not being partnered, could be they’ve figured me out as ace, or more likely they have a lot more important things going on in their lives.

I'm out to a few friends, but have no plans to tell family. There's enough drama in it without telling them at 60 that I've never been interested in sex, 'No I'm not gay as my sister in law once told my mother'.

 

15 hours ago, keith1977 said:

For me it was in 2015 (I'm currently 45) as soon as I learnt that asexuality was a thing.

 

Before then I had no idea really, I knew I was attracted women and liked women aesthetically, enjoyed porn etc, 

 

 

I had friends that were girls too! For that same reason I thought I was straight, but as I say here, 'Not putting much effort into it'.

[Heatplant]

I had a good idea that I was asexual as a young teen, long before I ever had a boyfriend. When I DID start dating it confirmed my suspicions. I tried so hard to be "normal". Had the relationships, the kids, the regular life that everyone said I needed to have. 

My children's father ended up cheating on me, because I wasn't giving him enough in the bedroom. I can't say I was surprised. I saw it coming. And it made me reevaluate my life. I focused more on my kids and myself. I finally gave in at 41. I let my family know that I was asexual and they were really supportive. I apologized to my ex for essentially robbing him of time to find someone who could give him everything I couldn't... And he said he didn't regret our relationship, because our beautiful children came from it. But I still feel i could have spared us both all that emotional pain of the breakup had I just been honest to begin with.

We have actually remained friends. He means a lot to me, and our kids. 😊 

Finding acceptance in a romantic relationship without sacrificing my body is virtually impossible. THAT is why I lied to myself and others for decades. I knew if I said I was asexual that my relationship would be over. The love and acceptance that I desperately wanted came with a price... 

I had to face that, and stand alone, no matter how much it hurt. 

And I have to say, I am a better person for doing just that. I am finally ME. Unapologetically ME. 😊

 

 

 

 

[will123]

@Heatplant Welcome to AVEN! 

[Skycaptain]

@Heatplant, welcome to AVEN 🍰🍰

[Grassdancer]

As in being able to put a name to it, finding out it was a sexual orientation and that others shared it, not until about 6 years ago, or there about.

 

As in that I knew I did not like sex - the moment I entered the war (at the age of 17).

 

 

Long answer:

 

Back then there was no information available. I was just left to feel something was wrong with me. At around age 29 I went to see a psychologist, as I thought the emotional traumas of my childhood (my mother had suffered clinical depression, but also heaped loads of guilt on me, telling me her life had been ruined by my birth, I was a late child she had not longed for, my siblings are way older) may be responsible for my aversion towards sex, that maybe I struggled to feel truly safe in relationships because of the many hurts, thus could not 'let myself go' and enjoy physical intimate contact. I only had one session, I could not handle the man's sympathy, tragically, he was truly kind, but I never went again and just ploughed on, trying to live up to the needs and expectations of others, causing new traumas in the process.

 

I felt my original assessment, tying my aversion to sex to those childhood wounds, were incorrect though. It was clear to me something else was at play, as I clearly longed to romantically love and was able to develop those feelings. I left every relationship I ever had, even though partners tried to hold on to me, but I could not handle their demands and the guilt I felt for not being able to respond to their needs. I inherited enough money to recluse fully from society, 9 years ago (I loved my parents deeply and miss them terribly, they never intended any ill, life was just complicated) and have remained single since. It has been a huge relief, I no longer have to live in fear of the physical desires of another, and finding out about the asexual orientation has aided me to finally also explain this part of me.

[sturnusvulgaris90]

So... I didn't really have the word "asexual" in my vocabulary until my 20s, otherwise this would have been a lot easier! I knew from around 13 something was "off" with the fact that I didn't have crushes and had zero interest. I used to make up crushes just to have something to talk about with my peers 😅... But again, it wasn't really a discussed thing. I figured if I didn't like guys, maybe I was bi? Because THAT was a popular topic at the time. And then I thought okay, no, that's not right--maybe I'm gay? Which also didn't fit. So basically for the next decade I just thought something was wrong with me. Then I finally stumbled across the idea of asexuality online in my early to mid 20s and after some wrestling with it came to the realization that I am in fact ace. I'm so glad it's so much more public now so the younger generation has the right vocabulary to describe their experiences. 

[will123]

21 minutes ago, sturnusvulgaris90 said:

So... I didn't really have the word "asexual" in my vocabulary until my 20s, otherwise this would have been a lot easier! I knew from around 13 something was "off" with the fact that I didn't have crushes and had zero interest. I used to make up crushes just to have something to talk about with my peers 😅... But again, it wasn't really a discussed thing. I figured if I didn't like guys, maybe I was bi? Because THAT was a popular topic at the time. And then I thought okay, no, that's not right--maybe I'm gay? Which also didn't fit. So basically for the next decade I just thought something was wrong with me. Then I finally stumbled across the idea of asexuality online in my early to mid 20s and after some wrestling with it came to the realization that I am in fact ace. I'm so glad it's so much more public now so the younger generation has the right vocabulary to describe their experiences. 

Looking back at my life (I'm 60) it was obvious that I was aro in my teens and 20s, but still thought I was straight. It wasn't until my late 30s that the wheels fell off that idea. Thankfully I found out about asexuality when I was 44. I hope asexuality is more 'visible' as an identity to younger people. In my teens (the 70s) you were either straight or (fill in the blank).

[MonaBeeswax]

For one or two years now.  I had never heard the term before or even tried to consider it.  It literally never occurred to me.  When I lived in a Rainbow house w/ 3 gay members, I finally began talking about it and I think one of them suggested it might be true.  I was like.. okay, lets try it on and see if it fits and it did.  

[will123]

Just now, MonaBeeswax said:

For one or two years now.  I had never heard the term before or even tried to consider it.  It literally never occurred to me.  When I lived in a Rainbow house w/ 3 gay members, I finally began talking about it and I think one of them suggested it might be true.  I was like.. okay, lets try it on and see if it fits and it did.  

I had heard the term in high school biology in relation to lower form animals.

[MonaBeeswax]

3 minutes ago, will123 said:

I had heard the term in high school biology in relation to lower form animals.

and at the time did you feel any aversion around that terms as if it was abnormal?  They also still had forms of reproduction, though.  

[StratoChief]

I'd learned about asexual reproduction pretty early on as a biological concept (bacteria, amoebas, etc.). But when I first heard it (or more likely, read it online) being applied towards people it was in the derogatory sense, i.e. directed towards someone (usually a woman) who was too unattractive to have sex with, combined with them having absolutely no sex drive themselves. Definitely meant as a nasty insult being hurled around by toxic jerks so it was a term I would have avoided. So that definitely delayed my own understanding of the real nature of asexuality and my acceptance of it within myself and in others.

[will123]

1 hour ago, MonaBeeswax said:

and at the time did you feel any aversion around that terms as if it was abnormal?  They also still had forms of reproduction, though.  

No it was in a pretty positive article in 2005 about asexuality. I'll post the link from the media archive here on the forum.

[MonaBeeswax]

1 hour ago, StratoChief said:

I'd learned about asexual reproduction pretty early on as a biological concept (bacteria, amoebas, etc.). But when I first heard it (or more likely, read it online) being applied towards people it was in the derogatory sense, i.e. directed towards someone (usually a woman) who was too unattractive to have sex with, combined with them having absolutely no sex drive themselves. Definitely meant as a nasty insult being hurled around by toxic jerks so it was a term I would have avoided. So that definitely delayed my own understanding of the real nature of asexuality and my acceptance of it within myself and in others.

That makes me sad.  I'm giving your inner younger self who heard that a hug and saying those people are idiots and they can kiss my (&*(%%$).  

 

[StratoChief]

13 minutes ago, MonaBeeswax said:

That makes me sad.  I'm giving your inner younger self who heard that a hug and saying those people are idiots and they can kiss my (&*(%%$).  

 

You're really so kind! Fortunately I recognized those sorts of people as nasty and hateful quite early on, and had the good luck (and maybe good sense) not to directly interact with them online or in real life. But it was so many people telling their stories in media articles and on sites like this one (especially this one!) that helped so much.