Older aces, how long have you known you were asexual?

[coderedclover]

Just curious

[Lord Jade Cross]

I suppose knowing exactly would be subjective but since I didn't have any real urges for sex, even in the so call "awakening" phase, that was the time? Although back then, I didn't know a term existed for it

[Gray Watcher]

I'm 61.  Figured it out about 5 years ago.

[Tetus]

Dunno what you consider 'older', but as part of the elder millennial set, I only really heard of asexuality in terms of orientation about 6 years ago (I'm 36), and once I started reading some other people's experiences here, a lot of things kind of clicked into place for me.

[stardust628]

About a year ago, when I was 41.

[Techie]

It was back in October 2013 when I was 51 and I stumbled across a long post on this site from a Google search on what turned out to be Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. I always suspected something was “missing” in me as I found females attractive but something seemed to be lacking in me. Came to find I could be considered a heteroromantic asexual. Did not really sleep that night. 

 

Most recently I have come to believe I also have Aspergers. Having ADHD diagnosed and on meds for as a child, and asexuality are markers as was having an uncle and now a nephew diagnosed as “Aspies”. 

[Lilibulero]

1 hour ago, Gray Watcher said:

I'm 61.  Figured it out about 5 years ago.

Same here. 62 and found out 5 years ago.

[daveb]

Since Feb. 2009.  

[Zagadka]

Born in 1980; I just stopped pursuing relationships when I realized I did not desire or need them around 2007/2008; I didn't hear about asexuality/aromanticism until... 2017 or 2018?

[Acing It]

For me it was a gradual process since puberty, if not before, of trying to fit in, not fitting in, questioning and finding Aven in my 40s and then a light bulb coming on in my mind. 

[sirenian]

I'm in my 40s now.

First learned that asexuality was a thing when I was 30; part of me knew immediately that that's what I was (though I hadn't known before then that I was very different from everyone else), and part of me took another five - ten years for it to really sink in.

[Sally]

All my life, I just didn't know it was called being "asexual."

[ponz]

I'm 31 (if that's considered "older"), and I knew I had no interest in sex and was "different" since my first relationship at 14 years old, but didn't know the word or concept back then.  I discovered asexuality as a thing at around 21 or 22 (when I joined this site).

[PenultimateSandwich]

12 hours ago, sirenian said:

I'm in my 40s now.

First learned that asexuality was a thing when I was 30; part of me knew immediately that that's what I was (though I hadn't known before then that I was very different from everyone else), and part of me took another five - ten years for it to really sink in.

Exactly my story but ten years bumped down. I was 21 when I heard about it but my only example was a heteroromantic sex positive asexual. I thought, "this isn't me" and denied it for a good eight years. I didn't start to accept myself until I was 29. I still deal with self esteem issues and am really enjoying learning from people who love themselves as asexual and aromantic.

[slywlf]

In 20-20 hindsight I suppose it should have been all too obvious. Never felt interested in dating because, unlike my peer group, I never felt 'ready' for the inevitable back-seat grappling that was rather a given in the 60's and 70s, and since the idea of being a 'tease' appalled me I opted to avoid the rush and not enter the fray. 

I knew there was something profoundly different about the way I viewed the 'mating games' going on all around me, but had no idea how to pin it down.

 

 

I didn't discover the terminology I needed until after my husband of 30 years passed, totally unaware to the end that he had married an Oscar worthy actress, smh.

Finally in my early 60s I found asexuality, and then a couple years later aegosexual and aegoromatic, which, between them, explained everything that had baffled me my whole life.

 

[Lilibulero]

@sirenian, love the name. Only met one sirenian, who nibbled on my hand while I was swimming 😊.

Sirenians are cool.

[Antique]

Realized I didn't really like sex in about 1999 didn't discover AVEN and the concept of asexuality until about 2018. So I'd guess the first realization was when I was about 50 years old or so.

[Geekykitty]

I'm 37 and since I was a teenager I knew I wasn't interested in having sex or really much other physical affection. Didn't have a name for it though, just thought I was weird and different and I had anxiety. Only a few years ago I read about asexuality and realised there were others like me and it was an actual sexual orientation. Glad to not feel so alone now 😁

[will123]

I'm 60 and found out about asexuality (and identified as asexual) when I was 44. See the link in my signature.

[JaiBee]

I started reading up on asexuality in 2020, after watching a YouTube video by Rowan Ellis on ace and aro myths. Came out this year, just before my 49th birthday. But I'm pretty sure I've always been ace; I just didn't have the word for it when I was young, and then I've been married for 20 years so that comes with its own set of negotiations re boundaries and what works for each person...

[ElloryJaye]

Don't remember when I found the correct term (it was earlier than many people here, in a print source whose details I no longer recall).  I knew from my teens that I wasn't interested in sex and relationships, but by that time I'd long since figured out that I would never fit in with my so-called peers, and that was just More Of The Same.  It never even occurred to me to try to pretend I was sexual or romantic.

 

[Sandy61]

I'm soon 61 and the asexual label started dawning on me just this year.  I explain more about this in a topic on the forum called "60 and Shaking."  Some of this is crushing/liberating realization all at once.  Overall I'm having a positive experience as I dig into reading materials. 

[JeninMT]

Today, actually.  My therapist brought it up as a possibility, and it seems to explain more and more. I’m 48. 

[will123]

7 hours ago, JeninMT said:

Today, actually.  My therapist brought it up as a possibility, and it seems to explain more and more. I’m 48. 

Welcome to AVEN  from Canada. I was 44 when I found out about asexuality.

[JeninMT]

27 minutes ago, will123 said:

Welcome to AVEN  from Canada. I was 44 when I found out about asexuality.

Thanks for the welcome.  I’m still in a fog, trying to function.  This place has been very helpful.  

[will123]

15 minutes ago, JeninMT said:

Thanks for the welcome.  I’m still in a fog, trying to function.  This place has been very helpful.  

Finding out was such a relief, not that I was all that concerned about my sexuality (or lack thereof). It made sense of a lot of things that did and didn't happen beforehand.

[JeninMT]

1 hour ago, will123 said:

Finding out was such a relief, not that I was all that concerned about my sexuality (or lack thereof). It made sense of a lot of things that did and didn't happen beforehand.

It is a relief to not feel like I’m broken. My head has been swimming with memories since yesterday and having them fit into place is great, but emotionally draining.  And I dread revealing any of this to my family.  Realization is great for the heart, but so scary for the brain. 

[Phantasmal Fingers]

I first used the term to describe myself when I was 18, back in 1983. I was immediately told there was no such thing as asexuallity. I saw red and told my interlocutor to shove it in no uncertain terms. And then I decided not to mention it ever again. So I never did - until I joined about AVEN 10 years ago. 

 

But I knew before I was 18, even when there was no word to describe this state of affairs. For example, there were occasions when my parents said things like, "when you get married and have children... " and my inner voice would immediately kick in and say "No! That's not going to happen!" I was always rather stubborn as a child - positively bloody minded at times - so it surpises me very much that other people say they didn't know until much later in life. But surely there was some kind of unvoiced awareness there? There must've been! Beneath the consciously not knowing. 

 

I can think of 3 elderly relatives - now long dead - who I think were ace. In fact, I'm absolutely sure they were. I'm also quite sure they knew I was (which I think is partly why we got on so well) but we never explicitly discussed this. It would've been interesting if we had! We've always been around, I think, we aces. 🙂

[Phantasmal Fingers]

22 minutes ago, JeninMT said:

It is a relief to not feel like I’m broken. My head has been swimming with memories since yesterday and having them fit into place is great, but emotionally draining.  And I dread revealing any of this to my family.  Realization is great for the heart, but so scary for the brain. 

In a way I envy you! @JeninMT! 😯 😉 😄

 

You can drop a bombshell, secure in the knowledge of your own identity, without being worried by peer pressure or the disapproval of 'elders and betters' who have some kind of hold over you in terms of the way you choose to live your life.

 

Enjoy the anticipation, I would say! Could make for a really interesting Christmas! 

 

Have a good one! 🙂

[will123]

1 hour ago, JeninMT said:

It is a relief to not feel like I’m broken. My head has been swimming with memories since yesterday and having them fit into place is great, but emotionally draining.  And I dread revealing any of this to my family.  Realization is great for the heart, but so scary for the brain. 

Coming out is a completely personal thing. Here there is a wide variety of thoughts. I've told a few close friends but have no plans to tell family (enough drama).

 

Besides at age 60, I'm definitely not looking for romance even if I wasn't a aromantic.