Orbit Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 If both people are sexuals and require sex to feel intimate, and they are witholding it from each other or don't bother making it happen, there might be a case to make that they don't view their relationship as important.HOWEVER - to just say 'sex' is required to qualify as a marriage overlooks so many other differences (besides asexuality, there are people who are incapable of having sex) and ways of being intimate and staying connected that this so called expert is generalizing and missing something that is SOOO obvious that it's even stated in the article, I'll bold. Expert: A Sexless Marriage Is Not A Marriage(CBS) We joke about it, talk about it and definitely think about it often. We see it almost every time we turn on the television or go to a movie.The sensitive subject of choice for this edition of February series focusing on relationships can be summed up on a single word.Sex.Society is preoccupied with sex, but the reality is many people who ought to be enjoying it the most often are actually doing it the least, according to experts, reports Jeanette Trompeter of CBS station WCCO-TV in Minneapolis."A couple's sex life is the number one best barometer of how well their marriage is going," said Dr. John Friel, psychologist and bestselling author.Marriage, he says, is by definition a sexual relationship, and if sex has gone by the wayside, so too has the marriage. If you are in a sexless marriage, "you can't call it a marriage. You can call it a friendship. You can call it a working, parenting relationship."Couples with two jobs, two cars and two kids say they're often too tired, too stressed and too bored when they do manage to find one-on-one time."They're really good business partners in the business of shuttling their kids from one hockey game to the next, going to band practices, making sure homework gets done," said Friel, who stressed letting a marriage's sex life die shouldn't be an option for those who want to stay happily married, "because it isn't about sex. It's about being connected and about nurturing each other."Intimacy, said Friel, is not just found between the sheets but in the day to day details of life. If a couple does not nurture each other in that process, the connection in the bedroom will eventually suffer."The research all shows that a good sex life is the glue that holds a couple together," said Friel.Another barometer of how intimate we are is how we argue - or, for that matter, how we don't argue, according to Friel. Every relationship has its share of conflict, and expressing it is key to building a healthy relationship.(© MMVII, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.) If the couple is asexual or have just mutually lost interest in sex as they've gotten older and are HAPPY and sharing other forms of intimacy, there is nothing wrong with a sexless marriage.The idea of trying force 'sex' as a definition of marriage instead of committment can potentially be a big problem for 'out' asexuals who want to marry. But it can also IMPOSE UNHAPPINESS on people who will think that even though they love their spouse, they must not be in love 'enough' because sex isn't important to them anymore.2014 Mod Edit: The above link doesn't work anymore, but the article can be found here. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 If sex is the definition of marriage, then any two idiots who run down a back alley to fool around are therefore married. What's this world coming to? Link to post Share on other sites
Shockwave Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 We also need to consider that many people define sex differently than we tend to here. I don't think Dr. Friel in this case is referring to just genital interaction. What some of us call sensual many other people would call sexual. Many people consider any kind of physical intimacy to be sexual in nature. I think it likely that Dr. Friel is using the much more broad definition there. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalavinka Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 The sensitive subject of choice for this edition of February series focusing on relationships can be summed up on a single word. Sex. UFF. I'm sorry, but I snorted so loud at that point that I think I woke up my neighbours. :roll: The guy may have a point there though, but I believe he is using either a really broad definition of "sexual activities" or a really narrow definition of "marriage". I don't agree with him obviously, for some asexuals it is easy to imagine a perfectly working sexless marriage... Making it work is another thing, but hey, it has worked for some people. :? Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 I don't understand. First he says, "because it isn't about sex. It's about being connected and about nurturing each other."Intimacy, said Friel, is not just found between the sheets but in the day to day details of life. Which makes it sound like being caring is the most important, and yet then he says that, "The research all shows that a good sex life is the glue that holds a couple together," said Friel. Huh? And anyway, if people really are . . . too bored when they do manage to find one-on-one time. then why in the world should they force them to do something that they don't want/don't have energy for? This must be one of those things that I will never understand, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
spinneret Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 *nod* I think Dr. Friel is probably right, in cases where "no sex" means that someone's on the couch. But anyone can see that marriages with disabled individuals, elderly partners, etc can be just as affectionate and loving and functional and married as any others. I'd hope the Dr. would backpaddle pretty fast if handed that argument. Link to post Share on other sites
maco Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 This reminds me of my Intro to Psych class. Professor: What do you call a marriage where sex happens 6 times a year? Middle aged woman: average Me: too much sex Professor: sexless Link to post Share on other sites
Orbit Posted February 25, 2007 Author Share Posted February 25, 2007 Just have to say.... Kalavinka, very cool avatar. House Rocks! Link to post Share on other sites
spinneret Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 This reminds me of my Intro to Psych class. Professor: What do you call a marriage where sex happens 6 times a year? Middle aged woman: average Me: too much sex Professor: sexless HAH!! That's great. Sexual compatibility is important in marriages! I believe in all people getting just as much sex* as they want. For some, that's none :) *happy healthy consentual ad infinitum Link to post Share on other sites
Parth Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Is John Friel related to Joy Davidson? Link to post Share on other sites
Nightmare Posted February 25, 2007 Share Posted February 25, 2007 Perhaps this person is correct in so much that copious sex is one of the only ways with which to provide onesself the constant high necessary to avoid truly noticing what is probably at the core an unworkable relationship. I might be young and simple-minded, but from observation I've come to think that love, intimacy, and sex propel people into otherwise unnatural relationships, which they likely feel as a matter of normaly should be upheld, without regard for reality. Whether or not one is sexual or romantic, I think the better option would be at the least to avoid 'relationships' in the common sense unless they are with persons who could in different circumstances work as close friends. I think that this is often not the case, and that is the strangeness. Link to post Share on other sites
tallfreak Posted February 28, 2007 Share Posted February 28, 2007 If sex is the definition of marriage, then any two idiots who run down a back alley to fool around are therefore married.What's this world coming to? That's not too far from the truth in Alabama. There is an old law on the books that if sexual intercourse occurs between a man and a woman, within 24 hours, the woman (if she can prove the sexual encounter and both are unmarried) can claim marriage and they are legally married. I don't know how enforceable it is, but it's on the books. Dr. Friel IMHO is one of those wacky sexuals that can't separate intamacy and sex. I believe a sexless marraige can be healthy and work as long as intimacy is in the picture. So I agree with part of what he is saying. The problem with many (but not all) sexuals is they can't experience intamacy without sex. Link to post Share on other sites
thylacine Posted March 1, 2007 Share Posted March 1, 2007 I know people who sleep together & don't know the other person's last name... sad, but true. One girl I used to work with was living with this guy, she said, "My boyfriend has really bad body odor. But I don't know him well enough to tell him." What? Honey, you are sleeping with him & you don't know him well enough to tell him he stinks? Anyway... in some states... if two people live together long enough, it becomes a "common law marriage." This is what is meant by the term "common law wife." I do not know if there is a term "common law husband" but I suppose nowadays there is... Link to post Share on other sites
oneofthesun Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 I wouldn't be surprised if this type of thinking is becoming responsible for breakups. Couples who aren't having sex regularly or at all but are happy get told there's something wrong with them, they go to therapy but can't "fix" things and so one or both of them decide to end the relationship because it's "not healthy." So sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Kallan Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Any half decent intimacy counseler will tell you 'great sex does not make for great relationships, it's the other way around' Now obviously for asexuals that's still not accurate, but you have to be pretty naive to think that just because you're having sex that your relatioship is good. The lack of sex is a symptom of a stale relationship, not the cause of one. Link to post Share on other sites
Sukuun Posted March 11, 2007 Share Posted March 11, 2007 Any half decent intimacy counseler will tell you 'great sex does not make for great relationships, it's the other way around'Now obviously for asexuals that's still not accurate, but you have to be pretty naive to think that just because you're having sex that your relatioship is good. The lack of sex is a symptom of a stale relationship, not the cause of one. Funny how we "lay" persons are much more attuned then the so-called "experts." Link to post Share on other sites
agentkgb Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Is John Friel related to Joy Davidson? LOL, I remember reading that. Some people just can't get their brain around the idea that not everyone wants sex I guess. Also, I imagine this guy wants to sell more of his books. Link to post Share on other sites
choose_abstinence Posted April 4, 2007 Share Posted April 4, 2007 I consider a happy marriage when they are attuned to each other's emotional and romantic needs. Marriage is like a friendship, a bond and a romantic relationship. You don't even need a piece of paper to be "married" it's the love in your hearts. I won't ever get married, there is no need to go thru this legal process. I can demostate my romantic love by using the "girlfriend" lable. Link to post Share on other sites
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