Not feeling sexually desired by my asexual boyfriend

[Onerash99]

My boyfriend just came out that he might be asexual and I support him fully. We were friends for 10years before we started officially dating but we always liked eachother. What makes me feel undesirable is the fact that he has been sexual before but now he never wants to be sexual with me. Also, he was sexually assaulted by his aunt which led to hyper sexuality and he also confessed that he never did enjoy it but did it cause of the social pressures. It’s just hard for me cause I was once told that I’m not sexually appealing and even though I’ve been hit on countless times, it still haunts me. I fear that’s what’s happening and he only loves me platonically but can’t tell the difference.  We have been intimate but nothing beyond foreplay and I never do anything for him but having heard all this, I feel like he did it out of obligation and not want. I’d love some advice on what to do cause we were thinking long term but I’m not so sure anymore.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I can understand where your boyfriend is coming from, and so can many aces who feel like they have to pretend to be interested in sex or active just to avoid questions and situations because alot of people still don't believe we exist and far too many times still, we are shamed for not being sexual.

 

Its also common for an ace partner to try and be that sexually interested partner in the beginning because alot of aces still face the "noone is going to be with me if I don't have sex with them" situation, but before long they realize they can't keep up the charade forever. Its not that we actively seek to trick or hurt others. Its not any sort of vengeance scheme, we simply aren't built that way.

 

Its also not the sexual partners fault. Its simply just a case of being incompatible

[nanogretchen4]

You factually are not sexually desired by your asexual boyfriend. It's not personal and it is not related to your sex appeal in general. Tastes differ and probably you are some people's type and not others, so try not to attach any importance to that one rude person who insulted you. However, literally nobody is your boyfriend's type sexually. If you are thinking that a mixed orientation relationship may not be right for you long term, I think that's wise. You and your boyfriend were friends for ten years. Maybe you should go back to being friends, leaving you free to find someone who is unambiguously into you both sexually and romantically.

[alto]

Well, can you live with having a boyfriend that doesn't sexually desire you?

[uhtred]

If your boyfriend is asexual, he cannot desire you, or anyone.  You need to decide if you can be happy with someone who doesn't and can't sexually desire you.

 

You say you have been hit on multiple times - so clearly you are desirable to some people.   No one is appealing to everyone, so the fact that one person was rude enough to tell you that doesn't reflect on you at all. 

[Lara Black]

I see that you feel bad about this, but as a partner of an ace man (5 years together, never had traditional sex) I have a few questions for you that might help you figure things out.

17 hours ago, Onerash99 said:

I fear that’s what’s happening and he only loves me platonically but can’t tell the difference.  

Why would he need to tell the difference or why is platonic attraction a bad thing? Or not enough?

Our modern society says that sexual attraction is a must-have for a long-term relationship, but for the longest time it kept telling us that gays needed to be cured or black people were simply worse and had no right to marry white folk. So can we really trust everything the contemporary propaganda machine tells us?

If your partner is asexual, that doesn’t just mean that he can’t be sexually attracted to you – it also means he doesn’t /need/ to be sexually attracted to you in order to form a happy long-term relationship.

 

The question is rather: can you be happy without being sexually desired by your loved one? Can you two find alternative ways for him to show how much he cares about you, how beautiful he finds you etc?

 

Anyway, if you have any questions, feel free to DM me – I’ll be happy to help.

[nanogretchen4]

OP, the question is not whether you can somehow find a way to make your current mixed orientation relationship work against the odds. The question is, are you sure an exclusive longterm couple relationship with someone who may well have only platonic love for you is your best option?

 

Close friendships are great, and usually not exclusive. You can probably maintain a really awesome friendship with the person you already had ten years of nonexclusive platonic friendship with, and also look for a sexually and romantically compatible person to couple up with.

 

Almost everyone finds sexual and romantic compatibility very important in a life partner type relationship. Don't let anyone shame you or pressure you into a mixed orientation relationship. You are not obligated to date an asexual, and sexual people who date asexuals are not cooler or less shallow or more enlightened than everyone else. 

[MrDane]

Some asexuals find sexual things nice, but as they do not really crave it, then it can wear out. Like anything, which were great at first, but then done over and over and suddenly…not great. And we all change over time. I dont think we change our core sexuality, but our approach or connotations to it can easily change.